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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unplanned pregnancy. confused

98 replies

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 13:39

I do not know where to start. I am only just divorced (however separated from exh for 3 years). I met someone and it has been casual from my side. i ended it last weekend and have found now out Im pregnant. I do not know what to do. The father knows and is in love with me and wants to go ahead and is excited and would do anything. We both have sons from previous marriages. i feel alone and influenced and do not know what I want. It was a one off recently and i got pregnant. anyone been in this situation? I do not feel i can tell my parents. help anyone?

OP posts:

Original poster

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 14:05

bump. i really feel like i need support. i cannot concentrate my head is all over the place. where the hell do i start? i have booked a counselling session at an abortion clinic. i am very very sad, numb, alone

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ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 14:13

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though you could do with talking through all of your options as soon as possible.

Do you feel a serious relationship with your ex is completely out of the question? How would you feel about having him as part of your life for the rest of your life?

AceOfBase · 12/05/2012 14:19

It WILL be ok. Make me a list of pros and cons. It might get things a bit clearer in your head. I am currently pg with a very unplanned (and previously unwanted) baby. Dh and I made a list and sorted it out and are continuing with the pg. I know how you are feeling. I realise my situation is different than yours as we are together but its the same set of emotions. I hope I can help you

kittycatwoman · 12/05/2012 14:21

Why did you end the relationship with the father ? If he is excited etc and wants to support its a good thing. It means you have the support/help of the only other important person in this deal, the father. If abortion makes you sad you dont need to go through with it. Have a think about getting back together with him. If you were comfortable with unprotected sex with him then surely you were having some feelings ?

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 14:24

Depends on whether he's someone that would be useful and make a healthy contribution, doesn't it?

Original poster

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 14:30

he is controlling, he makes me anxious, he makes me not be able to think clearly. he overpowers me. i have been extremely unfortunate. it happened once unprotected. he has been harassing me and not given me any space. he is abusive then changes his mood, he is immature, i have made a mistake. he is horrible wrt his ex wife. but he says he can "change" this is just not a good start

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Original poster

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 14:32

hes a charmer, he has slowly ruined my confidence, i feel i am for "show", he mentioned about how great it i to have me on his "arm" I am an educated person and feel an absolute idiot.

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ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 14:36

Oh please, peppa, don't continue with any kind of relationship with him. If you have only just found out you're pregnant, then surely it's not such a big decision?

Your life will be hell if you have a child with this man.

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 14:38

And if you were going to terminate the pregnancy, don't tell him you did this. Say you had an early miscarriage. He could make your life a misery.

AceOfBase · 12/05/2012 14:43

Decide what you want regardless of him. You don't want to regret anything and you don't have to have any contact with him even if you have a child together.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 14:53

well his ex wife has tried to stop contact with their son. i have heard him talk about her. i was taken in. now i have heard his version of what i am trying to communicate to him which is untrue and bloody twisted. its made me question is he doing this about her? maybe she isnt so bad. i feel like i want to talk to her. but know i cant. he grabbed her by the throat in what he said was a moment becuase he was pushed and pushed. i have been at a vulnerable time with divorce. my exh was not like this. i mentioned termination, although this will be extremely difficult for me and he stormed off. nice? immature. he cannot understand how it is difficult he "tells" me i have already made my mind up

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ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 15:04

Ace, it's extremely unlikely that she could have no contact with this man if they had a child together. How would access be arranged? He'd be at every event for the rest of her life.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 15:09

IB
that is not what i would want anyway, i understand it is extremely important for the child to have contact with its father. i actively encourage my son and my exh bond. i talk positively about my exh. but he is educated too and we can do this together. the new ex isnt what i would call educated. i am now getting angry thinking he is fecking uesless and was fun that has gone horribly wrong. i accept responsibility here.

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oikopolis · 12/05/2012 16:38

peppa
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
get your trainers on and RUN

you can keep this baby if that's what you want
but RUN AWAY FROM HIM

Original poster

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 17:34

well i tried to discuss abortion with him and his reaction straight away was "you'll regret it for the rest of your life". very useful at this time. i understand he is in turmoil but we are not right and i dont think i can keep the baby and have him in my life for the rest of my life. its hard enough with 1 ex husband and i do not think he will be reasonable as he has already proven with his ex wife. its so hard.

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ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 18:08

Once you make the decision, especially so early on, it's actually quite straightforward.

His reaction sounds more like "I'll make you regret it", which is why I think if you go for that option you should tell him it's a miscarriage.

I know in many circumstances it's a very difficult situation (eg if someone has a small house and worries that there won't be enough room, or if they've been made redundant and don't know how they'll cope financially) but in your situation I think the thought of being linked to him for life would be hideous.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 21:04

i have space, i have a mortgage, its him.
i said i wanted space and he came banging at my door . again. it has been on at me for 3 hours, crying, making me feel guilty, talking about the baby, his idealistic views. he changes from 1 hour to the next, has mamaged to make me feel in a state and has just left, crying. im sorry but i think it is pathetic. he is being no support. i said about abortion and he said it is like going to he abattoir, he totally disagrees with it.

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MariaCallous · 12/05/2012 21:44

Could you lie about an early mis to get the space you need to decode what you want?

Know that it's short term solution but might remove him from your head space.

MariaCallous · 12/05/2012 21:44

Decide not de-bloody-code

missduff · 13/05/2012 08:14

I think you need to speak to someone totally neutral in this and maybe see a counsellor? This decision needs to be YOUR decision, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy then that's fair enough but you need to know that you are doing it because it's what you want and not what he wants.

You can speak to the Pregnancy Advisory Service and they should be able to put you in touch with a counsellor in your area.

I really do feel for you, I've had 2 unplanned pregnancies, 1 which I didn't keep and the one I am having at the moment but the difference is I am in a relationship and I love him but there has still been times when I have wondered if I'm doing the right thing.

It's such a hard decision to make and the bloody hormones seem to make it impossible to think straight!

Please try and distance yourself from this man if you can, turn your phone off, go and stay with a friend if need be, whatever it takes to get some time to think about what YOU want.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 13/05/2012 18:33

i would love another child, but in the right situation. i am already a single parent (after being with exh 13 yrs) i recognise the alarm bells and red flags from new P and knew i had to get out. i had come to terms with that. he says he is completely in love with me, but i feel it is like a teenage love, not an adult love iyswim. for instance, he says if i have an abortion he will never see me again.. yet he loves me? i am trying to find in my heart if i can make this work, but i do not see him as a long term partner and never did, it went on way too long as i have felt vulnerable and lonely after my divorce. he also has mental health problems. i just simply feel i cannot risk have a child with him and being connected to him, due to his behavior. i did try going for lunch with him today, me feeling vulnerable i am making mistakes and instead of supporting me, he makes me feel like an absolute idiot. he raised his voice at the table next to other people and i felt like the world was closing in on me. he invades my space, i dont feel respect, and at one point in my head i was thinking "you total f-ing idiot". if it is like this now then i think it is unfair to being a child into this situation. perhaps i could cope however having to deal with him for the rest of my life i think would tip me over the edge :-(

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Nanny0gg · 13/05/2012 18:47

Don't answer the phone to him, don't let him in your house. Try and avoid any contact until you have spoken to the counsellor and have had time to think about what you are going to do.

But whatever it is, you do not need this man in your life. You haven't mentioned one positive attribute. He is clearly Bad News. And he doesn't love you - not in any nurturing or life-affirming way.
Do you have any family or friends who can support you while you're going through this time?

oikopolis · 13/05/2012 18:48

i think that if you kept him in your life, you would be a fool.
and in a few years your child/ren will be in therapy asking themselves why you did that to them.

sorry.
you really need to get away from him. and you need to keep any children away from him too.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 13/05/2012 18:53

he feels he wants to come to the councelling with me, however i will be on my own, he will just wait. me being me and not being assertive enough with him. he feels it is the "right thing to do" and he'll "see it through to the end". i am so angry with this, do you see what i mean? this is something i live with for the rest of my life, not just a few week. arghh. definitely not nurturing or life affirming. he is controlling. his ex wife had an affair and possible this is the reason. oh dear, there was an attraction, he is not future husband material, not for me. i am very sad about this situation, especially because i do want another child.
i am not telling family, i have told 2 close friends,

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Original poster

peppapiglet · 13/05/2012 18:54

his ex wife has put their child in therapy, at 5?? i dont understand this however maybe there is more to this?

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