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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unplanned pregnancy. confused

98 replies

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 13:39

I do not know where to start. I am only just divorced (however separated from exh for 3 years). I met someone and it has been casual from my side. i ended it last weekend and have found now out Im pregnant. I do not know what to do. The father knows and is in love with me and wants to go ahead and is excited and would do anything. We both have sons from previous marriages. i feel alone and influenced and do not know what I want. It was a one off recently and i got pregnant. anyone been in this situation? I do not feel i can tell my parents. help anyone?

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 17/05/2012 19:03

Fathers do not automatically have parental responsibility. You do not have to put his name on the birth certificate.

DistanceCall · 17/05/2012 22:41

He knows she is pregnant. If he is quite as controlling as she describes, I doubt he will let it go just like that. He may ask for a DNA test.

bumbleymummy · 17/05/2012 23:07

Let him. If his name isn't on the birth cert he does not have parental rights.

bumbleymummy · 17/05/2012 23:18

Sorry, that's over simplifying (tired) but he would have to go through courts etc, he won't automatically get them just because he's the father.

Original poster
peppapiglet · 18/05/2012 00:05

ok so i am going through hell. i have been shouted at, threatened and he has called me to say he is stood outside my mums house and is threatening to tell her. i am frightened. he is controlling and this has violated any trust. thank god i am not going to be having his child. please help

OP posts:
CrispyCod · 18/05/2012 00:21

Peppa Reading through this post it's clear that you do want another child, a sibling for your son but what you most definitely don't want is the ex back in your life. You say you won't allow him to control you but in effect that's exactly what he's doing. By bullying you into keeping the baby he's actually scaring you enough to send you running for a termination. He's still forcing you into a decision.

Think long and hard about this. If you truly want the baby then keep it but do not fear this man. He can be dealt with. As a previous poster said, keep him off the birth certificate to stop any parental rights. If he becomes abusive you can get an injunction on him. Don't let this man define the future of you and your child/children. Stay strong. You will meet someone in time who will look after and support you all and your ex will be pushed further out of your life.

CrispyCod · 18/05/2012 00:25

Seek an injunction on this man immediately. Keep him out of the way while you sort your head out.

Can you confide in your mother?

Original poster
peppapiglet · 18/05/2012 00:29

i dont get on with my mum really and will be annoyed if she has let him in her house and engaging with him. he is unstable. his car is still outside my house. i think he is there telling them. i am so angry. i am going to completely cut off now. i wanted to do this privately for me and my son

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapiglet · 18/05/2012 00:30

i really need someone here now to just support me, hug me. i feel so isolated

OP posts:
CrispyCod · 18/05/2012 00:34

Whether one person or a hundred people know about your situation makes no difference, it's YOUR decision to make. Be strong, stand up to them and tell them to butt out if they try to bully you and not support you.

You are an adult, a mother, they have no right to control you. Stay strong and remember we're here for you.

Original poster
peppapiglet · 18/05/2012 00:40

i know CC. I feel very threatened though, why is that? do i have reason to be?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 18/05/2012 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
peppapiglet · 18/05/2012 00:42

thank you TSC it is the right thing for me and ds too.

OP posts:
CrispyCod · 18/05/2012 00:44

You're bound to feel threatened, this guy is abusive and scary. He is also very desperate which is why his behaviour now may seem worse than ever.

Deep down, do you want the baby but he is scaring you?

suburbophobe · 18/05/2012 00:50

God, peppa, he sounds deranged.... standing outside your mother's house?! Threatening to tell her?

At the end of the day, it matters not what either of them think. It is your life and your future. And that of your DS.

You know you cannot have this man in your life, with or without his baby. Wishing you all strength to come to the right decision.

BertieBotts · 18/05/2012 01:11

You can contact the police about him and get a restraining order if he is harassing you and/or your family.

It does not matter what he or anybody else says, how much he shouts and screams or what he threatens. If he wanted a child, he should have had one with someone who shared his wishes. It is YOUR choice and nobody else's what happens now, but I would side with everyone else who says either terminate asap or if you choose to have the baby, have it somewhere well away from him. I hope your counselling goes well and is helpful. I agree also you can tell people you miscarried if that is easier.

Original poster
peppapiglet · 18/05/2012 01:53

ive just lost the plot. he DID tell her. i am so upset.

OP posts:
EggyChick · 18/05/2012 04:14

If you decide to go ahead with the termination no-one need know, tell those who are not interested in your well-being that you had an early miscarriage. My god, what an arsehole.

newby2 · 18/05/2012 08:44

Unfortunately you could kind of see this about to happen. He's cruel and it's a cheap shot. BUST HIM WIDE OPEN. Be cool calm and factual about it-court injunction is a must for your son's safety too.

If your Mum had anything about her, she'd be straight over to you concerned and offering support. She does have a Grand-son with you after all even if you don't get on. I'd cut my loses and run there if she is sympathetic to him. Women who are persuaded by controlling men usually have their own issues and you're stronger than her.

Enlist friends to help you- you've made your decision and every-one needs some-one to talk to. You need to let your network of support know that you're very frightened of this man.

If you mean business he'll go away when he knows his emotional blackmail hasn't had the required effect.

bumbleymummy · 18/05/2012 09:44

Don't feel forced into an abortion because of this man's behaviour. You can have this baby without him if you want to.

TheSecondComing · 18/05/2012 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumbleymummy · 18/05/2012 10:21

No TSC, that is not necessarily the alternative. If she wants to have the baby, which some of her posts have suggested, she can do it without him. He does not automatically get parental rights.

bumbleymummy · 18/05/2012 10:23

In fact, reporting his abusive behaviour now would go even more in her favour of keeping him off the birth cert.

zanywany · 18/05/2012 10:40

How are you Peppa, sounds like you had a scary night

cestlavielife · 18/05/2012 10:46

agree with reporting his agressive and threatening behaviour to police so is on record.

he might not go away easily. do be careful. he has form for violence and even admitting it "he grabbed her by the throat in what he said was a moment becuase he was pushed and pushed."

but make the right decision for you - sadly it may be better to not have any ties with him by having a baby with him as the father.

the line to your mother or others that you had early miscarriage is pefectly ok if you go ahead with termination .