unplanned pregnancy. confused

[peppapiglet]

I do not know where to start. I am only just divorced (however separated from exh for 3 years). I met someone and it has been casual from my side. i ended it last weekend and have found now out Im pregnant. I do not know what to do. The father knows and is in love with me and wants to go ahead and is excited and would do anything. We both have sons from previous marriages. i feel alone and influenced and do not know what I want. It was a one off recently and i got pregnant. anyone been in this situation? I do not feel i can tell my parents. help anyone?

had terrible night thurs night when he threatened me that i had "1 minute" before he was telling my mum. i had no idea what he wanted me to do. he was sat in her house until 1.30 in the morning. i am so annoyed she engaged. when i went there i was so annoyed. he violated my privacy yet again. he has previously read my emails and text messages. but this was something i wanted to deal with privately as i hae been personally working on issues of how i feel about my mother with a councellor. she is very toxic for me. i had a text message from her yesterday saying "hows things" that is is. she has not been to see me, shown now concern, nothing. just said it was sad she was not seeing my son lat night as planned. i said i was making alternative arrangements (by the way this was for my safety) however as ususal she has taken it that i have done it on purpose after thu night. she sent a tect saying she did nothing wrong. i didnt bother replying. i am going through hell and she has a go at me? she has not even mentioned the pregnancy. if it is any like usual she will just not mention it. she causes such anguish i am know my life is happier when she isnt in it.
heard nothing from the ex boyfriend yesterday. i told him i want nothing to do with him, no texts. emails, phonecallls and no turning up. he was actually verbally cruel and crude towards me and said well, "you had better get rid of it then" smirked at me and left.
i feel just awful. but i will get through this. any thought welcomed.
btw i really havent come to terms with being pregnant and still just dont believe i am. thankfully no symptoms yesterday. they have to see something on a scan before then can offer abortion so i just have to wait :-(

Are you sure he's told her? Or is he just still playing mind games?
Have you a friend you can confide in who can support you?

Just keep posting on here as often as you need to. More will be along later who can offer better advice than I can.

Just have an easy weekend with your DS and ignore any approaches you might get from either your mum or your ex.

well he was there sat with her. she had a look of concern on her face and said something along the lines "to make sure you are ok". his motive was to tell her. they were sat in serious discussion so i presume so. he also said about her slagging off my friend, who she doesnt even know. she has always been a jealous person.
i am so angry how he could be so crude with me. in a sexual way.
when i went there she smirked at me i was physically shaking. i feel very alone in this. i do have 2 friends who i am confiding in a little bit. nothing feels very real, i know that sounds ridiculous, it just doesnt

The lack of concern you think your mum has about the situation could signify that she doesn't actually know. Or, it could be that she does know but is giving you the space to allow you to approach her in your own time.

Don't believe a word he says to you. If he says your mum has been saying things about your friends then he's trying to stir it up. He's aware of your poor relationship with your mum and he's using that information to push you further apart. Don't let him. You may be very surprised because despite the problems in the relationship with your mum, she might turn out to be a rock for you and help you through this difficult time.

OP I had a termination for different (medical) reasons. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was the right thing. I also had DCs to consider and though I wanted that baby more than ANYTHING it was still the right thing. I was so so so sad for months afterwards but it was still the right thing to do.
All I'm trying to say is
This is YOUR decision, not his, not your mum's.
You WILL come to terms with it all and although you'll grieve if you terminate you'll be stronger after because you will know what you saved yourself, your DC AND this baby from.

Sorry but I really d

Sorry but I really don't think that anyone telling the OP how she will feel based on their own experience is a good thing. Many of you sound like you are putting pressure on her to terminate because it is 'the right thing to do' in your opini

in your opinion. It also seems like the exP is putting pressure on her too, whether directly or indirectly. I don't think any of that is fair. No one can know how the OP feels or will feel about having a termination or deciding to keep the baby and trying to lead her based on your own experience or opinion just does not seem right.

Sorry about disjointed post - phone kept posting early.

Gosh, that sounds terrible. Any thought welcome you said Peppa: Well, my thoughts are that the both of these people are toxic and you need to get away from them firstly to clear your head to make the right decision for you.

Your mum may unfortunately enjoy the power that seeing you vulnerable gives her if she knows or doesn't know, she can still see you distressed and thats not right for ANY reason. Try not to engage and fuel her un genuine concern, i'd say. These are 2 people who are preying on your vulnerability-they can smell it!

Really our kids are our priority when all said and done? Your son is yours?Earlier on you said you had made your mind up to terminate. If you've made that decision or to keep your baby then you'll need support from the good people in your life whatever. Not those idiots!

Im not surprised you are in denial still though, look at all you're dealing with. Most people don't have this amount to deal with in a life-time! He may smirk bit he really is a shit and he'll be smirking on the other side of his face when he realises you mean business and want him out of your life!

I certainly don't want OP to think I'm advocating a termination! So if I came across that way, I apologise.
I was just responding to one of OP's postings where she was wondering how she'd cope with a termination because she was already so sad. I just wanted her to know that that stage will pass.

i just feel absolutely numb. i have heard nothing from anyone. i spent the afternoon wondering around, looking at every pram that passed me, even walking over and looking at prams in a department store. why? it is as if it is all lost already but i AM pregnant.
i have only just got my divorce through, i am still grieving after marriage. i just wonder, what is the point? i dont want to come across a victim though. i am a strong person. but why? will i ever get answers? why after being with my EXH who was reliable, educated, strong did i chose to continue with a loser? i just dont seem to feel anymore. how much can a person take?

Oh peppa. :( you sound so lost and confused right now. Please take care of yourself. See your counsellor, talk through all your options and take time to make your decision. Think about what you want rather than what you think you should/have to do and try not to feel pressured.

Doesn't matter how intelligent you are: if you're on the rebound then you're on the rebound- we've all done it, its just unfortunate this situation happened.

I'm going to flip this on it's head though. Do you really have to have this bloke in your life other than financial support and as a contact for the child if you have this baby? Or not even that- he may get bored with using the baby as a pawn to get to you and just move on if he has to have "contact" with the child away from you? That is why you need to log every threat to you with the police now so that in the future, if you decide to have the baby and he cuts up rough you can restrict his access.

Easier said than done but if you have this baby could you find a way of moving away from this man? Or if you can't face the possibility of terminating your pregnancy and can't stand the thought of having this man in your life forever, could you imagine having the baby adopted?

Perhaps termination isn't the right course for you but the alternative takes some thought and planning. It just sounds as though termination not 100% a decision as you were starting to feel earlier on in this thread.

i would not move away as this is mine and my sons home and i would not let a man drive me away. Adoption is not an option either.
i heard nothing from my mum until late last night in which i received a TEXT saying "whatever". bear in mind she lives 2 minutes away. ?? She has absolutely no idea what i am going through and she STILL believes it is all about HER. She is truly toxic for me. This is such a difficult time and she is laying on guilt trips. i just dont need it :-( what on earth and i supposed to say to that? heard nothing from the father and wonder if that is it now. wonder if he will even contact me to find out if i have had an abortion.

Sounds like you actually want him to contact you Peppa. Time to let your Mum go and do her own thing? Not easy to move on when you're so physically close to the people who are toxic for you. Best of luck.

i thought i'd give an update.
i think i have had a miscarriage or i am at least waiting for it to "fully" happen. i went for scan yesterday and there was no gestational sac. i bled heavily, however i have been in NO pain. i have done a pregnancy test this morning and there is hardly any line at all. if you were to look at the test quickly it just looks negative, however when i hold it in certain lights i think i can see a incredibly faint line. i have no idea if that was the miscarriage yesterday or if there is more to come? i am so confused an upset. it looks like mother nature made the decision for me and it wasnt meant to be anyway.
the father did come yesterday however he later "turned" on me and said he was only hanging around to make sure the miscarriage did happen :-( he sped off in his car and i have heard nothing since. i have a pain in my heart and i am really down. i dont know what is happening to my body and i feel out of control in myself. dont get me wrong i am going about everyday life, although i am off work.
is there anyone else out there who has had a miscarriage with no pain? bear in mind i was (am?) 6 weeks (since last period)

You poor woman.

Do you really need the pain of letting that man into your home? At this time when you need support?

He, and your mother, are emotional drains: the exact opposite of what you need right now. Phone a friend. Go speak to your GP. Right now, only deal with people who can offer you support - emotional and practical. Your door should be closed to anyone else.

i guess i let him in because he was there, i didnt want to be on my own and it was "someone". i have had a few text messages from my "mum" but have not seen or spoken to her. i live around the corner :-(
what have i done to deserve this? i feel i have lost trust and faith in people although i know that is wrong. i have cut myself off from everyone. i was ok yesterday but today i am a wreck. i dont have any support emotionally but do practically. i just want to know what is happening to my body, its not in my control

Only a medical professional can tell you what is going on with your body. Have you contacted a doctor or midwife yet?

You have done nothing to deserve this. But having the mother you have, you were trained to accept abuse and to seek to please bullying people like her, such as your ex.

It is incredibly painful, but it will pass. Please speak to your GP, and phone a RL friend (you do have them, and they will be happy to lend a supportive ear, even the people who you think are only "acquaintances" that you can't impose on, trust me).

In a little while, please do find a therapist to work out your relationship pattern and break the cycle. You will find the happier, healthier person that you are meant to be.

Unfortunately Peppa you're giving this nasty man mixed messages because you're lonely and rebounding from your marriage and your Mum doesn't help. A medical professional will have told you what your scan or your bleeding could mean.

I think you're a confused lady and need to see your gp.

yes i am confused and am going to see my gp next week. had it confirmed today i have had a miscarriage. the decision has been taken away from me.
i do not want to feel trapped in my life as i have been feeling. i have not even spoken to my mum. she hasnt asked anything at all. i am holding hatred towards her now. i want out of controlling relationships, at the moment i dont see a way out.

Peppa, am sorry for all that you've been through and for your m/c.

You don't need to see or speak to this horrible man anymore: block him out and seek help from a women's organisation if he won't leave you alone.

Know there's a lot to deal with with your mum too, but cutting off the loser man will be a good start!

As hotdamn says, people you may feel you've cut off or don't/no longer feel you know very well could be willing to listen and offer support, or just some company, if you let them know you need it.