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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unplanned pregnancy. confused

98 replies

peppapiglet · 12/05/2012 13:39

I do not know where to start. I am only just divorced (however separated from exh for 3 years). I met someone and it has been casual from my side. i ended it last weekend and have found now out Im pregnant. I do not know what to do. The father knows and is in love with me and wants to go ahead and is excited and would do anything. We both have sons from previous marriages. i feel alone and influenced and do not know what I want. It was a one off recently and i got pregnant. anyone been in this situation? I do not feel i can tell my parents. help anyone?

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 13/05/2012 19:00

Have an abortion. It's very early. And it's not fair to bring a child into the world under these circumstances.

oikopolis · 13/05/2012 20:12

listen, you can talk all you want about how you're not assertive etc, but you actually just need to put your emotions aside here and do the right thing. by yourself and your children.

avoiding assertiveness out of a fear of how he's going to react is not a luxury you can allow yourself right now.

just reschedule quietly, and go to the appointment without him, and make the decision without him. stop torturing yourself by allowing him to bulldoze you.

by insisting on including him, you're only going to make it more likely that you'll become even more stuck in a dreadful situation. don't do that. there is more than just you to think about here, your fear of taking control is not a good enough reason to make a life-changingly bad decision.

newby2 · 13/05/2012 20:41

Poor you Peppa. It's a really hard situation and a child could be the best thing to come out it. Guaranteed though that with the baby comes a life-time price tag of the controlling father who will use the child as an excuse to make your life very difficult.

Lean on your friends and chat it through with them as well -they know you better than we do. It's easy for us to say have a baby when the timing is better for you but you may always regret having taken advice from MN if it will ruin your life to terminate your pregnancy.

In these situations, the answer comes from within, just trust your instincts, they WILL be right.xx

squeakytoy · 13/05/2012 20:45

If I were in your situation I would terminate. Have a child with another man, who you love and trust, and who even if you split with is not going to be a thorn in your side for the rest of your life.

I know there is no guarantee even then, but it is a better option than the certainty of spending the rest of your life linked to this man.

anonymama · 14/05/2012 17:23

Go to counselling - with an impartial advice service - , take the decision on your own, away from the controlling influence of this man.

FWIW, a termination will not "ruin your life" (as suggested upthread) if it is within the realms of your own conscience. For some people, termination is not an option, but for others, it is acceptable within a range of circumstances, and that is for you alone to decide.

Remember if you're posting on MN, that you will be getting advice predominantly from mothers, so you may get more advice to keep a child in any circumstances. If you speak to an impartial counsellor, you may have an opportunity to weigh up the pros and cons of your individual situation, and decide what is best for you and your children. Unfortunately a lot of people feel that they can judge the morality of these situations, but every situation is different, and from what you have said there are many people who would understand that this is totally up to you. You are the one whose life will be affected by your decision. Good luck.

newby2 · 14/05/2012 21:07

Another illustration of words being twisted on MN. I was trying to be impartial after a raft of terminate your baby posts. If you have been back on here Peppa and read the last post- no-one in their right mind would advise to keep the baby or terminate without talking it through thoroughly, I'm certainly not pro-life or pro-termination despite being a mum.

Best of luck.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 15/05/2012 12:34

Hi i have read through the whole thread again. It is beginning to sink in and i am really really thinking about this. i have written a list and i am going over and over it and also in my head, about all scenarios. I am not going to involve many people as i know ultimately it is my decision and i dont want to be further influenced. i am going for councelling at an abortion clinic and will make the decision early on. how the hell do i get through work? I am just "blanking out"

OP posts:

newby2 · 15/05/2012 12:58

Feel for you, it must be overwhelming. Blanking out sounds like a good strategy to me, perhaps dealing with the decisions as you make them. Advice given to me was don't do what you think you SHOULD do, follow your gut instinct.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 15/05/2012 13:33

it makes me happy to think my son could have a brother or sister. will i be taking that away from him? i am 35. or maybe i am being stupid and could be in a stable loving relationship a couple of years down the line and then consider another child. my gut is to have an abortion i am just very sad at the thought.

OP posts:

newby2 · 15/05/2012 14:09

I know it's hard but try not to put pressure on yourself regarding age- you never know what's around the corner-just as you could never have predicted this situation. Your son still could have a sibling but in happier circumstances?

Rather than imagining what you're taking away from your son, look at what you're giving him; a Mum who isn't in another difficult relationship. I would be willing to bet that the counselling you receive will be really helpful.

Ive never been through your situation but have lots of experience in grieving, I think it's possibly what you're starting to go through and the tactic of blocking it out until the consciousness has the strength (and you're in the right place) to tackle the horrendous feelings is effective. Good on you for being able to even get to work. Small steps.xxx

Wittsend13 · 15/05/2012 14:55

OP I will PM you later as running out but I have been here x

Original poster

peppapiglet · 15/05/2012 15:22

omg wittsend, thank you. i will not be able to respond until late this evening. thank you everyone. be under no illusion i am thinking about all that has been said x

OP posts:

fallenpetal · 15/05/2012 16:42

What ever you decide do it for you and your child not for someone who makes you feel as you do.
If it helps I think I would not go ahead with a pregnancy under those circumstances, it doesnt sound an ideal situation to bring a child in nor for your existing child to live with.

Good luck OP, take care x

leguminous · 15/05/2012 17:29

Whatever you do about the baby, please please run - don't walk - away from this horrible, controlling man. Don't let him claim a stake in your future, especially as you already have a child. Don't let him railroad you into anything and don't worry about being nice to him, there's too much at risk for that.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 16/05/2012 09:38

this is just awful and i feel i am going into denial on and off. i managed work. i know i cannot have this baby. i have worked hard for my lovely house for my son and i, and quite frankly i dont want him in it. :-( or taking over
i am having symptoms and am imagining what this baby will look like if its a girl or boy etc as i think the hormones are kicking it. its very hard.

OP posts:

ripsishere · 16/05/2012 10:26

You must do what is right for you and your DS. IIWY, and obviously I am not, I would be terminating this pregnancy.
You are still young and can have another, once you are in a relationship and have planned a baby.
Wishing you strength.

newby2 · 16/05/2012 14:38

You need professional counselling I think. I'm newly pregnant too and am up and down like a yoyo. If I were you Id make this decision as soon as possible. I don't think you can afford to go too far down the road of fantasising about what the baby will be, turn back and head straight to some-where that can help you.

NotSureICanCarryOn · 16/05/2012 15:15

Two things:
1- Do NOT let this guy into your life. You said you find him controlling etc... and that's before you even have had this baby.
If you actually decide to go ahead, I would really ensure that you've cut the communication lines with him.
2- Get some counselling ASAP so you can decide what is best for you and your family.

newby2 · 16/05/2012 17:23

Peppa, Pretty much every-one on here has urged you to think carefully about having this idiot in your life. You're in denial on and off because its a coping mechanism and it allows you to defer decision making.

I'm afraid you do need to be strong, face up to a big mistake/opportunity to have another baby and deal with it else you'll be on here in another 9 months talking about that idiot and how horrendous he is.

Go for it but do it before it's much harder to make a decision.

Original poster

peppapiglet · 16/05/2012 23:43

newby..yes up and down and spinning around. yes i am in denial in fact at work today i have felt great, been v productive, laughed, talked, listened to conversations about babies etc and no-one knows anything. that is denial. i am in denial of myself but of course a little bit of reality keeps hitting. really getting symptoms now. in fact so much in denial i seemed to convince myself it isnt happening a little. yes its a coping mechanism. counselling tomorrow

OP posts:

newby2 · 17/05/2012 08:03

Bless you, best of luck today, you'll have some time to think properly. If you're anything like me, you'll start to show early on so tackle head on and be brave.xxxx

bumbleymummy · 17/05/2012 09:26

Good luck with your decision. Just because you have the baby does not mean you have to have this man in your life. He doesn't sound great tbh and you obviously broke up for a reason.

pinkdelight · 17/05/2012 10:00

Another one wishing you lots of luck and support for your decision. You sound like you know the score, even if the what if's (sibling for you son) can be powerful. I hope your counselling makes things clear, and also that you can go on to get more help in future if possible, so you can deal with the assertiveness issues and see how strong you really are, providing the best for your boy.

DistanceCall · 17/05/2012 10:25

Just bear in mind that if you carry this pregnancy to term, you will always have a relationship with this man, because, like it or not, he will be the child's father. Firstly, he will have paternity rights, and may be entitled to visits and so on. Secondly, even if you manage to have no contact at all with him, the child will eventually want to know who his father is and what happened and possibly contact him.

PeppermintPasty · 17/05/2012 10:29

Just on the age thing Peppa, obviously everyone is different, but fwiw I had my first at 37 and my second at 41. You are right to think about the future-the kind without this man in it. The present is bearing down on you now for obvious reasons, but try not to see this as the last chance saloon as far as other children are concerned.

Good luck.

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