The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!

[Mouseface]

Which is FANTASTIC!

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, I'm Mouse and I'm addicted to cheese, but have a pretty nasty relationship with alcohol too, mainly vodka.

This Bus is for anyone and everyone. Drinking or sober, or somewhere in between or just not sure if you're drinking too much........... this is the place to ask and maybe have a chat too.

No pressure, no judging, no cliquey savoury flans (although I'm rather partial to a cheese slice ), we're all on The Bus for the same reason; alcohol.

Even if it's not you, and you'd like to talk about someone you know, come and say hi. We won't bite, well, not unless you ask very nicely!

And, if you'd like to see our journey so far, follow THIS LINK and read back through the previous links there.

See you soon xx

saf thanks, I know we are people with genuine problems, it just feels like compared to other patients I wasted the doctors time (especially when I suddenly realised that I've been drinking a lot of coffee and that may have made the anxiety worse )

She said 'well done' about the alcohol & gave me a higher dose of seroxat (I've just taken a double dose to kick in...) I also asked about sleeping tablets, but she said they don't prescribe them cause they're addictive. Good thing I got the OTC ones from Boots then.

Without wine there are too many thoughts in my head - I don't like it.

Fuckit, you sound so much like me when I firts started posting here, I wish I knew where to look for my firts post so I could c&p it for you.

Just like you, I was an awful binge drinker, did horribly disgustingly embarrasing things while drunk, I was so ashamed of myself it was unreal like you said I just wanted to hide away from the whole world - I still do sometimes. I even contemplated suicide as a way out of ever having to face anyone ever again.

I live in a remote, small, rural area too - everyone knows everyone and I doubt anyone will have forgotten what I used to be like, I still get people saying things like "oh you were probably pissed"

I don't know why I'm posting this to you as I am so crap at giving advice, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, I've been through everything you described and worse, I've lost some friendships along the way but that's just something I've had to deal with - I've also dropped other unhealthy friendships too for my own good.

If you need a chat anytime, I can PM you my number, bafana did this for me when I joined the thread and it was like a lifeline to me, and exactly what I needed at the time.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today, things are always worse immediately after the event, keeo your chin up - it can and does get better :)

Thank you qo. I too have contemplated suicide as a way out of ever having to face anyone again. But I know I can not and will not leave my children. I appreciate the offer of someone to talk to as well - can I take you up on it maybe?

Thanks jwn as well. I read your post with a mix of admiration and envy. I think it's fantastic that you've got to where you are now - it's where I would like to be.

And Swallowed two months is no small achievement. Two months is major. In two months time I'm going to be singing it from the bloody rooftops

oh the old 'i could always kill myself' shit, yeah! i did think that too, on many occasions, one particularly spectacular time was after a good friends wedding when i got so pissed i puked all over dh and the car after telling my friend (and anyone else who would listen) that she had married the wrong man, dh took me home and put me to bed, it was 7 in the evening and dd was only 7, she saw me in that state, it makes me feel sick to stomach i still feel shameful and embarrased when i think of it, i woke up next day and thought that if i killed myself then everyone would feel sorry for me instead of thinking what a fucking twat i was - what a fucking bloody awful way to live! i just cant do it anymore, the thought scares me to death!

so, tonight, like most evenings, i have cooked dinner, watched eastenders and now think i will probs have a bath, do my nails, sort out my clothes for the morning, chat with dh, text dd, may sound dull and boring but i know that i wont wake up tomorrow actually contemplating sucicide!

on a lighter note, im going to a summer ball next week, anyone want to hear about my fandabidoosi outfit? its a good one!

btw, just a quick one, being sober has in no way improved my spelling! soberity cannot cure all ills!

not only have i thought i could kill myself i have drunkenly whailed it at my poor friend who came to rescue me and whailed on about how my son would be better off without me in front of him so. not. good. he was 4 at the time and hopefully doesn't remember it but how awful is that?

even now if i go to honestly look into the 'dreadful, shameful, humiliating things i have done whilst pissed' file my mind just shuts down! i still can't go there and i'm not sure i ever want to it's like that awful feeling the morning after a blackout when you go to try and remember and then realise that you actually don't want to remember - you can feel there's something awful back there just waiting to pop out.

go on then jwn - what's your outfit like?

Yes the suicide route, remember it well JWN. But being in the grips of insanity all those years ago, really I was already committing suicide, just very slowly, the car crash drunk didn't manage to finish me off quickly, neither did the cancer, but something would have gone pop eventually. We are all different, but continuing with hazardous drinking whether binge or maintenance, the outcome is generally the same, no happy endings without intervention.

Anyway Fuckit I am glad that Qo has given you another support route, that's really great.

I'd like to hear about your frock too, just hope the bloody weather improves for the do. It will transport me to think of glamour, because I look like a village idiot tonight, been chasing a chicken up the lane in gum boots and a tweed hat, was dressed obviously but got drenched.

morning! ahemm, my outfit? oh go on then! it is red bias cut satin with spagetti straps, so far so simple, however, i found this wonderful gem in a vintage store, i have had it altered to fit my shape, bought vintage rhinestone jewellery and my new jimmy choo bag - et voila!(or something very like it!) i feel a million dollars in it!

be good babes, see you later!

oh and btw sarah, where did the chicken buy its outfit? it sounds very 'english country lady'!

I have two images in my head, one of JWN in her fabuloso outfit and one of Sarah looking like a country bumpkin chasing a....chicken? It's so good to hear all the stories of how some of us were when we were drunks - it scares the pants off me too, I'm terrified of going back to how I was, drunk-driving, sitting in the pub on my own after I'd already had a bottle at home on my own so I could have some more, always with an eye on the where the next drink was coming from when I was out, blah, blah.

I haven't been counting the days but it's almost a month for me now and although I feel a bit disconnected and flat some of the time (if feels as if I'm not exactly sure who I am anymore), I can't emphasise how wonderful if feels to wake up EVERY morning without a hangover and not having to debate all day long whether or not to drink. I really am trying to find ways of living to replace what I thought I got from alcohol and that isn't going to be easy but I'm determined.

Joey you are a real patient with a genuine problem! Do not think like you aren't, that's an order! I work in a GP practice and you should see some of the so-called "problems" patients present with, I'd say 50% of the time they shouldn't be consulting at all. Any decent GP will be pleased to help you, knowing where dependence on alcohol can lead, it's a HUGE PROBLEM and one that costs the NHS massive amounts of money when it goes untreated and it's your absolute right to ask for help and expect to get it. Too bad about the crap phone system, maybe you could try changing practices? We've just had a new one put in and it's brilliant. Another tip, I find a personal letter to my GP always gets things moving if help isn't forthcoming. Just be polite but clear and you'll get a response. My GP has been fantastic, she's even called me to see how I'm getting on.

Sorry to keep banging on about the hoped-for new dog, but I saw Albert again yesterday, he was so obedient and the look of love in his eyes, OMG am totally lurved up. So nervous about when they come to visit next week to see if he gets on with the cat, I'll be absolutely gutted if it doesn't work out. Maybe the only thing then would be to get a puppy but you can't leave them alone for any length of time can you? Has anyone had a puppy who works?

soma this is taking along time over Albert isn't it? whats the delay?

The longer he is in kennels the more twitchy he will be when he finally gets out...

PS. I got a puppy and I work part-time - am out of the house 8.45-3.30 four days a week. In retropsect, probably a stupid thing to do... but I love him!!

Thanks Joey will be coming to you for advice if we have to take the puppy route! What breed? How long did you leave him/her when she/he was really tiny?

soma I hope you won't take my advice, because I know nothing about dogs (which is why we did something so stupid as buy a puppy from a BackYardBreeder, when we both worked & had never had a dog before...! The vet was horrified at my ignorance. Still, it worked out in the end, and he's only slightly neurotic.)

He's a toy/mini poodle. He was about 14 weeks when we got him. I think I took a few days off work to settle him in. He has always been used to being left during the day (in the kitchen) and usually just sleeps. If I wasn't so lazy I would walk him before work

At first he stayed in the kitchen at night, but when he was 6 months old he wriggled his way into our bed and has stayed there ever since...

Okay, brave babes, can you help me with this.

I have to go to my in-laws tonight (I tried to get out of it, but was emotionally blackmailed ) I really don?t want to drink at all while I?m there. Am not very good at doing controlled drinking, so think its better not to start.

But I have no idea how to get through an evening with my MIL (who has her first mug of cider about 4.30) Should I just say I feel poorly and go to bed early? I?m dreading this (interesting that this has become such a big deal and I never realised before)

Hello all. I'd like to get on this bus. I guess a good place to start would be to read the past threads but it looks like that may take some time, so bear with me.

I need to stop drinking altogether, at least for the foreseeable future, and I am starting today, with an appalling hangover, too many regrets and a general sense of doom and gloom.

Hi Water welcome aboard! This is a really supportive thread. Those regrets are awful, aren't they? But this is your chance for a new beginning.

Joey Sounds a complete nightmare - does your MIL drink cider out of mugs? Not that's any better/worse than drinking out of a glass but it makes me wonder if she isn't a bit secretive about her drinking? My only advice would be to either just fake a sore throat and cancel or grin, bear it and not drink.

water welcome, this bus is great and you will find so many wise people here, and no judgements. Tell us what has made you come on here?

greyhound yes! my MIL drinks out of a mug and she does drink too much, last time I was there we had a sort of competition to see who could drink the most while pretending they hadn't. Anyway, I only have myself to blame for this, the only reason she will be curious is because I usually drink so much.

Don't want to feign illness, because somehow that ends up being my fault (she's never ill - presumably because no germ can survive her daily combination of cider and gargling with TCP)

Joey how about dental antibiotics (metronizadole) for an abscess/infection? It's not illness as such but you absolutely cannot drink on metronizadole, my dad did less than 24 hours after his course ended and he was very (very) sick......

If you tell MIL you're on them you have a legitimate excuse to refuse all alcohol all evening......

Agree with horses Joey - antibiotics are a good excuse.

JWN your outfit sounds gorgeous!

Soba have PMed you

I second the antibiotics excuse suggestion Joey and have PMed you too.

2 AFDs for me then 2 glasses of red last night, so I'm feeling happy with that. Back in the sidecar for the weekend as well, but aiming for moderation.

I decided yesterday to volunteer to become a community first responder but I heard back today and they have a full team in my area already. Had a lovely chat with the lady though and she wants to make me a 'support member' so that I can attend meetings and training and wait for one of the team to meet a sticky end a space to come up. I'd love to do it and it's an incentive to drink less too as I couldn't drink much or at all the night before an on-call day. So I'm disappointed that they're currently full but feeling hopeful and positive all the same.

Thank you for the welcome, good to see so much support being offered.

As for what made me come on here- I will try to put it into the smallest nutshell possible....

I have struggled with addictions and compulsive, destructive behaviour for most of my adult life really. I have mental health problems- anxiety and depression. I struggle with moderation in almost everything I do. It is always feast and famine with me. I have been addicted to cigarettes, booze, cannabis, cocaine, food, exercise....

I don't use drugs currently, having stopped smoking weed about 3 months ago. I have slowly replaced it with booze and have been binge drinking frequently over the past few weeks.

I went out last night and had a skinful. Can't remember walking home (on my own), just about remember getting in the door. Don't remember my dear, long-suffering husband putting me to bed. Don't remember texting an ex-boyfriend but evidently I did.

There have been a number of occasions when I have pursued inappropriate contact with men who aren't my husband, always when under the influence of drugs or alcohol. My husband has been extremely patient and loving but will have a limit and I don't want to push him to it.

I am sick of it and sick of the sight of myself. I seem intent on destroying myself and I don't really know why.

On the one hand, I feel like I have made some progress in the last year or so, especially since stopping the weed smoking but on the other hand, I feel like I'm going round in circles and I am bored and frustrated with it all.

In terms of treatment, I am on ADs for the second time but recently tried to come off them which I now believe to be a mistake. I had CBT a couple of years ago for anxiety which was helpful at the time. I have been having some one to one and group support with Addaction for my cannabis habit. I will now need to recommence the keyword sessions but with booze as the focus this time. I have considered AA but am not convinced it's for me.

Thank you for giving me somewhere to share all this.

JWN, it sounds stunning, you will be stunning, thank you for sharing, I like to hear of glamour and romance, sentimental old bag that I am, love vintage too. about the dress code of the chicken, she is an English Country Lady, I on the other hand, am just a Yorkshire Tyke.

Water welcome aboard. First steps are the worst then the relief of knowing that you are never alone. AA isn't the be all and end all, lots of alternatives, this is a great place to start. Addictive personalities are more common than you think, often combined with a streak of perfectionism and strangely with what we do to ourselves a need to control, of course that flies out of the window after the first bottle or so. I stopped drinking because I eventually knew that I couldn't control it as much as I tried, I decided to have a new project and tried to starve myself instead. One way or the other, we have all been down the rabbit hole. So please keep sharing, it's the best possible way to get sorted on your own terms.

The garden is calling, stay safe everyone. x

Joey have used the dental antibiotics (metronizadole) excuse twice and intend to use it again tomorrow when I meet up with a drinking buddy. Keeps things simple and no-one can argue with you! Your dog sounds lovely.

Welcome Water, I've been here for about a month and my world is slowly beginning to turn in the right direction. It is possible to start making changes so keep posting away and reading what all the wise and wonderful women on here have to say.

Mia have Pmed you x

Morning all. Up far too early - I woke thinking it was about 8am, and now I can't get back to sleep. A snooze on the sofa later today I think

Joey how did things go last night? Come and tell us how you got on.

Morning Venus I woke up at 6am and decided it was too early to get up so
thought I'd just go back to sleep for an hour or so. When I woke up again it was 10.30am! No DD to get me up. Feel really slothful.