The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!

[Mouseface]

Which is FANTASTIC!

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, I'm Mouse and I'm addicted to cheese, but have a pretty nasty relationship with alcohol too, mainly vodka.

This Bus is for anyone and everyone. Drinking or sober, or somewhere in between or just not sure if you're drinking too much........... this is the place to ask and maybe have a chat too.

No pressure, no judging, no cliquey savoury flans (although I'm rather partial to a cheese slice ), we're all on The Bus for the same reason; alcohol.

Even if it's not you, and you'd like to talk about someone you know, come and say hi. We won't bite, well, not unless you ask very nicely!

And, if you'd like to see our journey so far, follow THIS LINK and read back through the previous links there.

See you soon xx

Oh dear I'm not feeling very bright this morning. I drank more than I meant to last night.

saf maybe you could see a specialist scoliosis physio too, now that we know such people exist?! I don't get any referred pain with mine; it's always been muscular pain in the thoracic area from the lack of mobility in the thoracic spine. I'm getting different pain (intervertebral) lately though, which I guess is because I'm getting older. I'm concerned the disc is going to herniate.

Greyhound, joey, hope you're both feeling better.

Hi everyone hope you're weekends are going well, day 6 for me today and feeling great. Was volunteering at a children's festival this morning and would have been hellish with a hangover. Instead I was bright and energetic and feeling really happy. Going to do a bit of cleaning now and check back later. so nice to be able to function like a normal human at the weekend. It's been a while

Hello. Am new here. Please help, I don't know what to do. I have a serious problem with alcohol in the sense that once I start drinking, I can't stop, plus I seem to have no control over my behaviour when drinking.

Last night I was drinking with two of my friends. I don't remember what happened. But when I saw one of them this morning, she said that I had come on to her, told her I wanted to have sex with her, and asked her to take her clothes off. The other friend says I was behaving aggressively.

I've apologised, explained that I have a problem with alcohol, and they have agreed never to offer me booze when I am with them again. They are both nice, supportive friends, but how can a friendship recover from what I did last night?

I just feel as though I want to die. I am alienating everyone around me and isolating myself with my drinking. I can't stop crying - I feel so utterly dreadful. I know it's all self induced and that I have to take responsibility for my actions but find it so hard to imagine a life without alcohol. I have had periods of abstinence before, but I just can't seem to sustain them.

Tomorrow it is the birthday of the woman I came on to and I'm supposed to be going out with her and a bunch of other friends. I just don't know how to face going. I feel utterly humiliated and at rock bottom.

Hi there, I'm new to this bus as well so I can't offer you too much wisdom, hopefully one of the more experienced ladies will be along to offer support soon, I just wanted to say I felt like you just last Monday and I know the panic and desperation you feel. Are you getting any support around your drinking from Gp or counsellor or Aa? I think that's an important first step. Remember your hangover is making your feelings more intense as you have a lot of physical stress as well as emotional today. You will feel better after a few alcohol free days I know I did

Hi there Fuckit (great name btw).

Yep, I've done their 'lesbian when I'm drunk' thing and the 'aggressive drunk' thing... I once woke up in bed with my best female friend. Now, this same friend happens to be my sister in law - I married her brother (some time after our sapphic encounter).

I think you are probably feeling awful because you are tired, hungover and feel that awful paranoia/remorse that follows a night on the sauce.

The good news is that you have recognised that you have a problem and that this situation can't continue. If your friends love you, then they will forgive you and understand that you are sorry. It was a good idea to ask them not to give you alcohol.

I hope it goes well tomorrow night. You may find that you laugh about the situation with her or you may find that you feel really awkward and never mention the subject again. Either way, it is time to move on from what happened and look to a healthier future.

The worst thing I ever did when drunk was sleep with my own cousin...

I've had some support from the local alcohol and substance misuse centre. But all they offer is six sessions of alcohol counselling and I didn't find that particularly helpful. I was also seeing a more general counseller for a while that I spoke to about my drinking, but nothing has changed really.

You're right about hangovers making everything worse - alcohol is such a depressant. Every time I get drunk I imagine this must be rock bottom now and I promise myself never again. But it does happen again, and every time I seem to do something even more stupid and dangerous. It's like I'm self destructing.

Do you mind me asking if you are sober now Greyhound? If so, what do you find are the keys to maintaining your sobriety?

hi all - had a fab spa day yesterday but also took the therapists waring to "re-hydrate" a little too literally so have probably undone all the good work, but bugger, it was fun!
will try and get back onto the bus this week. promise.
Silver holding you always in my thoughts in the hard times ahead.

Glad you had a good day ma, it sounds like a well-overdue break and treat.

FITD keep posting - you'll get great advice here.

Quiet in here today. Is everyone off enjoying the jubilee weekend?

hallo mia, greyhound

Thank you venus

Am shattered today, slept badly (what happened to the idea that quitting drink was supposed to help us sleep better?! )

Normally a good excuse to get some wine in tonight, but am abstaining again. I'm finding it a lot easier to think that the default is not drinking. Tomorrow, off to DS's for a jubilee party - that may be tricky! Will have to make a real effort to not drink too much.

The main plan - delay the first drink as much as possible (I have got some soft drinks to take with me) ; keeping mixing the elderflower etc; do not not NOT carry on after everyone else has gone to bed. oh, and DH is on board - I don't mean on board the Bus (that would be too extreme!) but is aware that I am trying to control a lot more.

Hi all, as promised an update from me. I'm the one who did a medical detox (Librium) week before last, and started Naltrexone (an opiate antagonist that makes drinking slightly more "boring" as well as reducing/eliminating cravings if you are not drinking)

Last night was the break of the "drought", and it was a planned break as my goal was not to remain abstinent necessarily (unless I later discover that's better for me) but to "learn" to drink moderately in social situations only. Last night was a friend's birthday party at a restaurant.

The drink that broke the drought was a cool crisp glass of Sav blanc. It was nice. I enjoyed the taste for what it was. I sipped it slowly and savoured rather than devoured. Normally after a drought I would devour.

I then had a small glass of red with my meal, and another small glass after the meal. So over the course of about 5 hours I had about 5 units.

I was slightly tipsy (mainly because I hadnt eaten much this week -the Naltrexone seems to reduce my appetite for food), and I felt relaxed, but that sort of eurphoric drugged feeling you can get from drinking which I think is what had been making me reach for more and more was definitely blocked from the Naltrexone. It made me taste and enjoy the wine for what it was rather than want to get more and more down my neck to excacerbate that feeling, if you see what I mean.

I came home, had a glass of sugar free squash, went to bed, had a lovely sleep and woke up this morning feeling great.

I am very positive about this treatment for me. At this point, and its early days, but at this point I am hopeful it might just turn me into a moderate drinker who can still enjoy alcohol in social situations much like a non-addicty person can.

No desire to drink today; street party tomorrow postponed till Monday, so I won't drink again till then.

Its liberating being free of the cravings, the planning, the orchestrating, and the aftermath that is caused by alcohol misuse.

I hope none of you find me or my posts irritating; this is a support thread and my posts come across like I don't need support but know it all - I don't - and no I don't "feel" I need "support" as such at the moment and I'm not terribly useful at offering support in terms of solutions of a different kind to the one that I have found that is working for me at the moment. BUT - I'm posting and updating because I know there are also a lot of lurkers on these threads and I was one for a long time when I was struggling with "what to do about my problem" and I figure as this has so far fallen into place so well for me I would just like to update on how my particular chosen treatment is going because who knows, it might be useful information for someone else who was struggling like I was.

I think we are all different types of drinkers, different types of "drunks", who do it for different types of reasons, and that there are different types of solutions.

That's all for now! More later and hope everyone is well and enjoying their weekend as much is possible with all that life throws at us.

x

Just a quick check-in, hope all the jubilee celebrations are going well. We have a street party planned for tomorrow when it's going to be pouring with rain and about 11C. Should be interesting.

I coped with a visit from parents and a bored pre-teen without booze but am ashamed to say was relying on the diazepam to keep me calm. Once this prescription is finished, it has to be my last. I feel as if I'm not learning how to not drink properly, as if I'm cheating my using another crutch. I'm feeling good but it's not an authentic way of feeling good and I'm scared that I may never find a way to live life properly without some sort of mind-altering substance to rely on. My uncle was a pharmacist and got himself into serious trouble because he just loved being off his head so he was like a kid in his very own sweet-shop. He went to re-hab and managed to conquer his addiction which included booze as well.

At the moment I feel as if I'm isolating myself too much; once I've done my day's work, seen to my daughter's needs (which seem endless at the moment) and looked after the house (I'm very house-proud), I just want to be on my own with my thoughts and no-one to bother me. Trexy it's great that you're feeling so positive about your start to try and control your drinking. Joey good luck for tomorrow, hope your strategy works. I'm glad you shared how bad you're feeling today because you drank last night Greyhound, it's a reminder to me of how guilty I felt when I did the same. Did you have a really good time while you were drinking? What were the circumstances?

Hi Mia love, how much did you mean to drink and what happened? It's so hard to control isn't it? Anyway I don't feel I should be offering encouragement to anyone at the moment because I'm abusing my prescription meds. I know that now. The best thing I can do is come clean with the GP and ask if there's anything more sensible I can do to keep chilled and learn how to face life without wanting something to take the edge off. It's strange, I've lost all interest in the opposite sex, I still look after myself and get lots of compliments but I'm just doing it for myself. It's not normal though is it, to not want to be with anyone at all - I can't work out whether I'm genuinely not interested or whether it's because the idea of trying out yet another relationship is a recipe for disaster. Or maybe that part of me has just died and that's the way it's going to be. When I think how sexually alive I was through my teens to well into my early 50s, it's a bit of a mystery. Or maybe I just never met the right guy....

Sorry this has turned into a mega-ramble and well done to anyone who's managed to get to the end of the post! Sleep well all - anyone having really vivid dreams at the moment? Mine are epics and I can remember every last detail. Most interesting thing is that I can wake myself up if I don't like what's happening or I feel as if things aren't going anywhere. It's quite useful sometimes!

Sorry - just a small wee post - struggling at the mo, and need a bit of moral support/kick up the arse to get back on track... x

pix sorry theres noboby much about this evening and I'm only checking in before going to bed... but feel free to write down whatever is bothering you - I'm sure somebody will be along , if not tonight then tomorrow morning, support, advice or just a shoulder to cry on

g'night all

Pix - what does 'getting back on track' mean for you - is it not drinking? or moderating what you drink? or speaking with others in the same situation? Tell us where you want to go and I'm sure there will be plenty around to kiss ass...

trexy I think it is always interesting to hear how each of us 'confront our demons' and how we deal with them. We do all have different stories, and situations, so it would be surprising if the same approach suited us all. Keep posting your updates - we can all learn.

soma I think that it can be difficult to love other people (really and properly) if we don't have at least a little love for ourselves. So sometimes the best thing ever is not to seek a relationship with someone else, but instead to really, fully, and absolutely enjoy and glorify and delight in ourselves. We are magnificent.

Venus - was doing Ok on the not drinking - (moderating at this point doesn't work too well for me, cos I escalate rapidly, although am not ruling it out for the future - right now, I need not to drink, and to have a good break) - then sister was seriously ill in hospital, many journeys up to Yorkshire, starting a new job, looking after boys, sorting out childcare etc - it all fell apart a bit.

Now things have stabilised, but am finding it hard to stop - It's like every day I drink, it becomes doubly hard to not drink the next day - Gah!

I did manage to persuade meself not to go out and get more drink tonight though...

morning all been up since 5am even though ds is at a sleepover at his cousins house it's fine though.

pix - that's how it was for me really - the each day i drank the harder it was not to the next day. i did the controlled drinking merry-go-round with breaks for a couple of years i think and it was exhausting. finally exhausting enough for me to cave and acknowledge i did not have power and control over alcohol - which once made actually isn't a scary thing at all - the fear was all in the idea of that fact. once faced it was a huge relief tbh. i reckon you basically just need to pick a day and stop don't you? that's what it's going to take. you fell off track and you need to get back on track. the deciding is the hard part imo, once the decision is made it gets easier. how about setting a date? maybe after the bank holidays?

fuck - read my above paragraph. and have you considered aa? no time limits on it - they're always there. they're not counsellors just peers supporting each other with their common problem. if you haven't tried it maybe now is the time. i think you said this was rock bottom but you keep thinking you've hit rock bottom and then finding there's more. i realised after stopping that in reality i'd been living at rock bottom so long it didn't seem such a bad place anymore, it was normal maybe it's similar for you?

i've been feeling strange the last few days. i got into my course. things are going really well practically so do i feel good and happy and celebratory? nope. i've been feeling ill at ease, uncomfortable, 'wrong'. it's the self destruct. things going well = this isn't right, this isn't normal how can i fuck it all up so i can feel the relief of normal again?

self destruct was a huge part of my drinking - dragging myself down to where some part of me thought i deserved to be, keeping myself small and hidden and numb etc etc.

so i am feeling uncomfortable and feeling urges to self destruct but i'm resisting them. it is ok for things to go well. it's ok to put myself out there as someone who can do well. i just have to get used to it. i don't have to destroy the outside just so it feels in accordance with my fears and self beliefs. they'll ease in time.

That really resonates with me swallowedAfly. I know my drinking alienates those around me and it's like I'm deliberately pushing people away. I want to have good relationships with friends and family but then I do things that I know is going to mess those relationships up. People only have so much patience.

As for AA, I have thought about it, yes. Although I will be honest and say that some of the ideology around it sits a little uncomfortably with me. But I need something - I just can't do this on my own. So perhaps it's time to suck up my misgivings and just go for it.

The problem is finding a group near me that would suit. I live in quite a remote place.

go to the website and have a look and read around fuckit. maybe call your local number and talk to someone. what's to lose?

if it's the god stuff you'll find many people share those misgivings and are given all the space in the world to reconcile it how works for them - it really doesn't have to be an obstacle. i am not religious.

the thing is that they will get it - don't underestimate the power of sitting in a roomful of people who 'get it'. you said what i said really resonated right? and that feels good - like a keyhole into understanding. you'll find meetings are full of that resonance and it really, honestly does help. if you are an alcoholic then it's not just our drinking we have in common - it turns out to be loads of stuff about the way we think and feel and have lived our lives. you're not alone with this shit, i promise. why not try.

if there's anything you want to ask - even if it seems stupid or weird feel free to pm me. before i finally went to a meeting i asked a friend who goes a load of questions about what happens and stuff and it really helped so if i can offer that to anyone i'm more than happy to.

Thank you Swallowed. I really appreciate it. In the meantime it's this friends birthday tonight. Do I go? Not go? I feel as though maybe she might enjoy it more without me there, as it would save her any feelings of awkwardness. I certainly can't see myself enjoying the evening. But then again if I don't go, I imagine that will look quite pointed too. There will be another person there that I don't know that well who saw me really drunk as well and I'm just so embarrassed.

How do you deal with that rank humiliation, that's what I want to ask folk at AA. Because it makes me feel like curling up in a ball and never leaving the house again.

just checking in. haven't been of much support to anyone recently but hope to do a bit better. only one glass last night and a good night's sleep so feel a bit better.
am off to mums soon to cut the grass and do some gardening
hope you are all ok

fuck it - do what you want. if you don't want to go, don't go. sorry that's such a simple answer. don't worry about how it will be seen, you won't be there to see how it's seen if you don't go and let's face it however it's seen can't be as bad as how the last episode was seen can it? if you want to go then go and use it to steel yourself as to just how far down drinking takes you, how much it humiliates and degrades you, how much it really is not your friend. that's how you use the shame i think - you see it for what it is - a great big neon light saying YOU SHOULD NOT DRINK ALCOHOL! IT REALLY DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU

sorry for the flippant grin but seriously that's what that experience should tell you once again. it really. is. that. simple. we are not people who can have alcohol in our lives.

(sorry mad, multiple posting to add...)

that does not however mean we are bad people or people who are broken or doomed or anything bigger than we are people who can't drink alcohol. aka alcoholics. take away the alcohol and we have fantastic potential and are wonderful human beings who can get over the past, learn new ways of living and being and go on to have very happy lives. we just have to not drink.