The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!

[Mouseface]

Which is FANTASTIC!

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, I'm Mouse and I'm addicted to cheese, but have a pretty nasty relationship with alcohol too, mainly vodka.

This Bus is for anyone and everyone. Drinking or sober, or somewhere in between or just not sure if you're drinking too much........... this is the place to ask and maybe have a chat too.

No pressure, no judging, no cliquey savoury flans (although I'm rather partial to a cheese slice ), we're all on The Bus for the same reason; alcohol.

Even if it's not you, and you'd like to talk about someone you know, come and say hi. We won't bite, well, not unless you ask very nicely!

And, if you'd like to see our journey so far, follow THIS LINK and read back through the previous links there.

See you soon xx

saf congratulations on getting into your course!

soma are you going to see the GP this week and talk to her about this? Chin up chuck; it's good that you've recognised what you're doing and that it's a problem. It's not as though it's been going on for months so it should be fairly straightforward to wean you off the diazepam and rebalance your meds to combat the anxiety. With a combination of the right anti-anxiety meds and taking steps yourself (like meditation), you will be ok. I promise! Can you ask for some cognitive behavioural therapy sessions? Changing how you think and react to triggers would be useful, wouldn't it?

joey I hope you enjoy the party today without drinking more than you want to.

trexy it's interesting to read your story - keep posting.

mouse where are you? Hope you're ok. Missing your lovely kind posts.

Sorry not to namecheck everyone else.

Spent yesterday hungover and a bit cross with myself. I don't know quite why I got more drunk than usual. I had half a bottle of bubbly then half a bottle of red - usual weekend night amount, yet I felt too pissed and then felt crap yesterday. I had about the same last night (it's still too much, I know that, but I have reduced my drinking during the week), maybe a bit less, slept badly and feel alrightish today. Not great though. Going to MIL's later today which will be more drinking and another hangover tomorrow. Yet I can't contemplate not drinking tonight. Sad, isn't it.

Ho hum.

Venus thank you. Mia thanks for your support, 'fessing up to GP next week is the best plan! Sorry you seem to be in a bit of rut with your drinking at the moment but if you simply want to drink tonight then sobeit. I hope your evening goes OK.

We're having a very soggy street party today and have decided to come home and watch the flotilla on telly! Have a good day everyone xx

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Mia - just mwah xx One day you will contemplate not drinking, I promise that you will, but not until you want to contemplate not drinking.

Whatever it is that's keeping the glass in your hand, has to go away, has to change. You have to put it down if you really do want to stop. No-one will take the glass out of your hand, pour the contents away and give you a gold star; YOU have to do that lovely.

You know that but I think the thought of not having a drink inside you to hide the pain or your true feelings scares you. That's okay you know...... it really is. xx

Saf - congrats on getting in, you must be excited about a new journey. xx

Silver - thank you for taking the time to post, we've all been thinking of you lovely xx

Thurso - I missed your Birthday didn't I? I think? Sorry, hope you had a great day and that you were treated to lunch or dinner or something YOU wanted to do xx

Hello Fuckit - fantastic name You're in good hands here xx

I've been a busy little mouse entertaining the many family and friends that have been residing here, we've had a full house for about a week on and off. I'm struggling with my pain on a massive scale, I can't even turn in bed in the morning to get up and have started to self medicate using alcohol again.

I'm not getting pissed and not drinking all the time but by the end of the night, I'm finding that taking my final meds with a glass of nice, strong red helps them to kick in faster, therefore allowing me to sleep before Nemo wakes and needs me.

I'm getting about 3 hours before I have to get up. It's not ideal but I know I'm doing it purely for the pain otherwise I'd be drinking all day/night. I use up my morphine allowance in the day and then at night the glass of strong red just seals the deal for me.

We've been to a village jubilee fete today which was lovely, lots of hymns and singing, then the national anthem!

Flags a plenty! I've put bunting up on the porch and paper chains in the front windows, making the house look vary patriotic!

Nemo is okay, but he's had a few episodes of very bad reflux over the last few days....... we went to see the concert on Friday night and he was sick there whilst we were out. Luckily, we were sat next to a lady who was an OT for children with special needs to had seen it all before and completely understood.

I'm back to giving him more feeds but at less volume so that's eating into our day.

Anyway, enough of my waffle.

Hello to any new Babes I've missed, and a big hello to everyone else.

IsinDe - hope you are okay. xx

Ma - keep on keeping on lovely xx

Bye for now, have a great couple of days off for the royal celebrations if that's what you are doing all.

Mouse xx

I have got in touch with AA this evening. They're giving my number to a woman who lives locally and she's going to ring me back.

I didn't go to my friends birthday - I just couldn't face it. If I hadn't drunk the other night, I would have been out with my friends this evening having a nice time. Instead I'm sitting at home on my own wondering if I've irreparably damaged two of my treasured friendships, and terrified that my children will tell their father that they slept over at a neighbours house the other night because mummy 'wasn't very well.' He will know that I had been drinking and that my kids stayed over at my friends because I was past the point of being able to put them to bed properly.

Just feeling so low and panicky.

fuckit well done for making that call - whether AA is right for you, or isn't, there's no harm in giving it a really good go - you will meet some lovely people who will understand how you feel.

I've found that my friendships survived the worst of my excesses, but people are glad to see me behaving better now. How you are feeling now is crap, isn't it, but every day that you continue without drinking your resolve will be stronger, and you will feel better and more positive about yourself. It is really lovely to look back and say "I don't do that anymore". You'll get there.

mia your post describes the complete madness of drinking - you did it, felt bad, and then did it again. And then even looking back on those 2 days, you are probably going to do it again. I hated being stuck in that cycle, it was so depressing.

I've got my first meeting at AA tomorrow. I was thinking of sending my friend a text saying something along the lines of: "I'm going to my first AA meeting tomorrow - I hope this goes some way towards showing you how seriously I'm taking what happened the other night and how sorry I am. I'm honestly horrified by what happened and it's shown me I have to stop drinking completely, once and for all, and that I need to access the proper support to help me."

I don't know how else to try to mend things.

Fuckit Well done you for taking charge. The centre that I have attended recommend total honesty with your friends. It is vital that you get support through this process.

Mouse I'm sorry about the pain. One glass of red wine a night doesn't sound bad. I'm so sorry about the pain. I know you've tried most/all forms of pain relief, but have you considered acupuncture? I have a friend with a condition who swears by it.

For myself I am feeling a bit depressed with my sobriety. I am feeling dull and flat and lifeless. Went to a lovely wedding yesterday, and of course didn't (couldn't) drink. I was the dullest wedding guest ever. I know, I absolutely know that I shouldn't have to drink to have a good time. The trouble is that all the good times over the past few years (and all the bad times too, in fairness) have been accompanied by drink.

hopefully - sometimes that is just how life is - we have a day, or a few days, or a short spell when we feel flat and dull (not talking about long term depression here, just the ordinariness of life). And on those kind of days even a 'special event' can feel like a bit of a chore. But you know what - I think that's OK, it's nothing to feel ashamed of, certainly nothing to feel remorseful about.

I wonder about "all the good times".... because when I look back on some of my earlier drinking days (when I was more in control) the good times were occasions when I was already feeling happy and excited and bubbly about something, and they were occasions where a single glass of champagne enhanced the natural excitement. Then over a period of time that changed and the "good times" were occasions that I looked forward to because I would have the perfect excuse to open a bottle early and have an early drink (so I changed from celebrating a happy event to celebrating the event as an excuse to get drunk). Later on I found events like weddings were awful, because there was never enough drink to keep me happy - such interminable periods waiting around while photos were taken with only one, or at best 2 glasses of fizz, and the age spent listening to speeches with no chance to sneak off to the bathroom and have a quick slurp from the bottle hidden in my bag....

I know that I do not hanker after those latter times, and I recall the earliest times with rather a golden haze. In reality I have now chosen a better approach for me, and if I feel a bit 'meh' sometimes, it's a small price to pay.

Hopefully it was just a day in your whole new life of sobriety. And Venus as ever has put it in context and described what it's like when you're not a normal drinker and events like this are actually sodden with booze and not actually enjoyed for what they really are. Sure you felf bored but I'm sure no-one actually thought you were dull at all - it was just how you felt yourself. I actually enjoyed our soggy street party yesterday even though I had to cope with the astonishment of some of my neighbours when I refused a drink (one of them is a regular drinking partner).

Fuckit going to AA will make you feel that you're not alone. That's the least it will do and you'll probably meet some lovely people (there are some great women there). If you friendship is strong enough, of course you can mend it. If your friend doesn't want to mend it, it wasn't strong enough in the first place. Mia, how are you doing today lovely? Venus' comment on the madness of drinking, wow that hits the nail right on the head!

I've decided to start using the minimum amount of prescription meds that I can until I see the GP and then ask what we can do in the long-term. So ideally no diazepam until late evening so I'll be able to sleep. And boy does it get it me a good night's sleep. Mouse so sorry for all the pain you're in but you never ever feel sorry for yourself and always sounds so upbeat. Poor little Nemo throwing up. June turned three on Friday and had the best day, she's been given a great big sand-pit and will probably live in it from now on. She chose her own party dress and it's far too big for her but she looked adorable in it. I heard DD and her other half-sister (yeh, ex-H has three girls by three different women!) talking about how things might be for June when she was older and would realise she was different from other children. She has so much ahead of her but is so surrounded by love I know she'll be fine.

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Thanks for all of the kind words about my pain, it's my own fault to be fair, I've been scrubbing floors on my hands and knees and desperately trying to get the house clean and then keep it that way.

No easy task with three children in tow. Yes, three, Nemo, DD and of course DH who seems to think that in actual fact, The Cleaning Fairy lives here and magically cleans the house from top to bottom every night whilst he's soundly sleeping in his bed and I'm in with Nemo squished in the tiniest space on the edge of the bed but it's cool, no really, it is.

Anyway, hello to any new Babes I've missed and hello to everyone else.

HR - my last physio tried acupuncture but it didn't help. He said it was due to the depth of the inflammation around the discs if that makes any sense to you?

It's time I went to sort dinner out. It's 6 days until the Baptism and I have 6/7lbs to go. And by Jeff I will get rid of it! Stopping the glass of wine for medicating purposes will of course help that but currently, not a chance. No docs are around to top up my morphine does so a glass of red just before bed it is.

Goodnight lovely Babes xx

Soma - sorry, forgot to say many happy returns to the gorgeous June, I hope she had a wonderful day and that for now at least, she knows nothing of the journey she faces and just enjoys the world around her as it turns today.

Give her a big squidge from me. xx

Oh and I loved the bit about not feeling alone when you go to AA because of the support there, a really positive thing to post for Fuckit xx

Hi everyone, quiet in here today, hope everyone is enjoying the celebrations. Had a good weekend, feeling very together and calm but somewhat empty. I miss the sense of really switching off with a drink knowing I'm off duty for the night. But the positives are certainly outweighing the negatives so far. Looking forward to a new week. Also trying to eat healthy as I need to loose about 2 stone just wondering did anyone notice weight loss when they stopped drinking?

Morning, normally takes me till the afternoon to catch up on the thread after the weekend but seems to have been strangely quiet.

Hey all
Having a very very lazy Tuesday, after a hectic weekend. DS was taking part in a massive parade in our hometown on Saturday, and was even spotted on the news
DD is away to music camp for the week, so the house is very quiet.

I have let DS sleep in with me for the last 2 nights, and I have forgotten what a little bedhog he is. Twice he nicked all the covers last night, and I have a superkingsize bed and duvet!!
He is sleeping at his grandads tonight, as I am away down south for work at 5 in the morning tomorrow. The joys :-).

Can't quite believe that I have hit 18 months. Never complacent, but it really is just the way it is now, I rarely feel resentful about it, and normally just feel relief that I am off the rollercoaster. Pleasure at the freedom my life now has. I can do anything and go anywhere. And everyday is a gift. I sometimes get cross with all the missed opportunities in my past, but I think that that makes me much more aware of the simple pleasures in my life now. Like getting to the end of a dinner party and actually serving the coffee . Or just enjoying reading a book, or enjoying weeding the garden, or spending time with the kids snuggled on the sofa watching TV. Or walking, or talking on the phone.
Maybe these are all things that most people just take for granted, but I thank God everyday that I am able to enjoy them, and that there are people that love and care for me that want to spend time with me now. I am blessed.

I had my appraisal last week, my manager said, there is just something so different about you these days - what has happened to you. I just smiled.

So - keep going Brave Babes, it's a great life, just reach out and grab it with both hands, and don't let go. Far far more exciting that the drinking live.

love to all
B
x

What an inspiring post Bafana! Congratulations on your 18 months sober.

Well I drank too much over the weekend so I'm feeling annoyed with myself. I reined it in a bit last night so don't feel too bad today.

I hope everyone is enjoying the long holiday and feeling fine.

Hello lovely Babes

Silver much love to you, hope you're doing okay.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I've been applying for a scholarship for uni, and sorting my house out. I've also been drinking :(

My marriage is a bit dubious at the minute, and I keep dreaming of running away, which isn't good.

I'll pop back later, hello to everyone and take carexxx

Afternoon, tis me mouse

Bafana - fantastic to see you here and like Mia said, what an inspiring post

I had my appraisal last week, my manager said, there is just something so different about you these days - what has happened to you. I just smiled - exactly. It's those little changes that the outside world see, you know the enormity of the situation, just what you have been through to get where you are today.

Your inner smile is clearly visible to those around you, they can see that you are happy inside and out. xx

Sunny - you sound desperately low lovely......it sounds as though there is a lot going on behind closed doors that we don't know about.

Toady is a good day in the mousehouse, I've found a new love in my life, apart from snuggling Nemo of course, I've started baking.

For the first time (in too long a time), I want to create yummy things, make the most of my day, and use my evenings too. We've got a mad busy week going on with friends and family being here, so I'd like to have nice things for them to eat and drink instead of being embarrassed when we only have beer or wine in the fridge.

There are some lovely summery drinks to be made and drank that contain zero alcohol. I'm a huge fan of cranberries and have a recipe for a crush that I'm going to try...... all recipe suggestions gratefully received if you have them.

All I need now is some sunshine to go with them!

I have 6lbs to go (lost another 2lb) before Sunday so my urge to bake may have come at the wrong time for that!

Plus TMI ALERT

I've not had a period for two months so really do think that I'm in early menopause. I'm not on the pill or anything so have no artificial hormone input..... I guess that it's just my time.

Anyway, I'm waffling on about me, sorry!

Silver - xx

Mia - what do you want to do about your drinking? I'm not picking on you, I'm just trying to understand why you keep pressing the self destruct button? You said you were annoyed at yourself for drinking what you did. Why were you annoyed? Because of the amount you drank?

You seem cross with yourself but a little defeated too.

Skippy - yep, I'm dieting as well but the amount of hidden calories in alcohol are amazing. There's carbs and cals galore in wine so that was a real boost for me when I started to diet. No excessive wine = slimmer mouse with brighter skin and eyes.

I noticed that my stomach has gone down, no more 'pregnant or not' looks from people. I can certainly say that cutting out the booze binges has helped me lose more weight than if I'd still been drinking as I was.

Ooooh - cookies are ready, be back later xxxx

hello everybody! I hope you all had a good weekend, whatever you were doing. I haven't got time to post now - it will take me an hour to catch up on the last couple of pages! Be back later.

PS thank you mia and venus I don't know how someone so young can sound like a wise old chinese mandarin - but every word you write strikes such a chord.

Mouse are you sure it could be early menopause and not something else?:) And I hope you don't mind me asking but what's your target weight - you look remarkably svelte in all your photos. I was a skinny minny once and then seemed to balloon to almost 12 stone overnight but am now down to about 10 and a half and pretty happy with that. I have huge bangers but the rest is in proportion so I just try to dress to emphasise my best bits. No-one sees me with my clothes off these days so that's not a problem!

Bafana thanks for your post, what a marvellous testimony to the wonders of sobriety. I haven't had a drink for almost a month, with the help of antabuse and some diazepam (well aware of issues associated with its continued use) but am feeling very positive about how leading a sober life is possible. My relationships are better and I don't feel as if I'm hiding something (which of course I was, being a secret drinker). I just hope I can find something to replace the booze and one thing we're really hoping for is a dog. Went to see Albert at the rescue again on Saturday and he was utterly adorable. Next step now is a home visit next week to see if our cat and he can be "friends". I'm really nervous and will be gutted if it goes tits up but we'll just have to go back to the drawing board.

It is quiet here so hope everyone is enjoying the remaining part of the holiday and the kids aren't driving you mad! I've just dropped off DD at her cousin's and caught up with loads of housework and am just so grateful that I'm not reaching for the wine as I normally would be.

Hello Brave Babes!

My street had a street party today. It was brrrr. I wore jeans, boots, warm socks, warm jumper, fleece and coat and was still cold :). There was a mountain of food and drink. Continuing my sober form, I drank nothing and was as dull as a dull thing.

Lightbulb moment! Perhaps I was always dull, and it was just the alcohol that made me think everyone (and me) was rip-roaringly amusing.

The good thing about being sober is GETTING THINGS DONE. If I look back on my alcoholism (and I am determined that it is behind me) I am amazed at how normal admin things just drifted. I don't think I paid a credit card bill for a year. I collected a mountain of parking tickets. I never mended any clothes or polished any shoes and half the time I was too drunk to cook. School letters went unanswered. The same pattern happened at work.

So whilst life seems a bit more dull, I do feel an awful lot more in control. That has to be good :)

Dear Mouse are you sure you are not up the duff? I am secretly hoping that you are.

Bafana thank you for your positivity. I'm frightened that it's going to be difficult to make drink a thing of the past, and you are the living proof that it's possible for a drinker to be a long time sober. Please tell us how you cope on a day to day basis. Any cravings still?

Sunny . Maybe the drinking is a symptom of the uncertainties with your marriage. Maybe the new course is a new start. How much are you drinking?

Mia Good to hear about the reining back. Are you thinking too much about alcohol? I was always drinking too much then reining back and drinking too much and reining back etc. It took up so much headspace. It takes up less time now.

Soba I am flirting with binning the antabuse and seeing if I can do it with willpower alone. What do you think? Does it sound like a recipe for disaster? I was determined to do it for around 2 years though.

Venus Thank you for your reassurance. I hope so :)

Love to all the Brave Babes and hope you are feeling secure in your relationship with alcohol. And all other relationships of course.

mia don't beat yourself up, you've managed to cut down and are much more aware of what you're drinking which is a great start!

It must be so hard when your DH is drinking in the house - the only way I have managed is not having any wine in the house at all (DH drinks beer or whiskey which I don't) Could he cut down/out for a week or so just to get you started? (and if he can't why not....? sorry if thats out of line)

venus for just being so clever

mouse for being brave and strong and always here on the bus even when you're so busy with your own family

Late tonight, and early tomorrow morning, we may be able to see one of the rarest of planetary alignments, when Venus crosses in front of the sun (hence the slight name change for 24 hours )

So here is some information about me: (to be taken with a pinch of salt)

Venus is an earthly planet - so I manifest gratification, fulfillment, pleasure and success. I am useful in everyday living for protection, power and support. When combined with the immense spiritual power of the sun, we create something very powerful and successful and may have the opportunity to save the planet.

Venus transits always occur in a time that is marked by exploration and the gathering of knowledge, including our own personal questioning of spirituality and belief.

How we view Venus depends on the angle on which you look from, and the angle from which the sun is striking her. As Venus, I represent both the Morning Star (with associations to light, fire, power, war, animals and their guardianship, lightening, spiritual guidance, mediation, and civilised leadership) and the Evening Star (with associations to fertility, old age, death and the Netherworld). And Venus brings brings issues of value, self worth and gratification into discussion. I am a dazzling paradox of duality and complexity.

So I am here on a fleeting visit - look out for me at dawn, and even if you do not see me, know that I have passed. Take what you need to live your life with abundance and peace and love.

And know that I'll be back in December 2117 (if you can wait that long) xx

hopefully I don't really know much about antabuse, but I wonder why you are thinking of taking such a drastic step? I understand that you were feeling very tired in the early stages and that you have reduced your dose (I think I've remembered seeing that), but if it's not making you ill or horrible at the moment, and if it seems to be working for you, then why stop? It can take a long time to change the habits of a life time (I think research says about 3 weeks for the change to stop feeling un-natural, 3 months for new habits to be formed, and 9 months for the new habits to be stronger than the old habits). Imagine it as if you break your wrist and can't use your preferred hand - the first few weeks are horrid, everything can feel clumsy and difficult and slow; after 3 months you've mastered writing with the other hand, cutting up your food and eating, and you are equally skilled with your left and right hands; after 9 months the new pattern has become ingrained and you will automatically reach for things with the [whichever hand you didn't use before] - even if you are woken up from your sleep.

If I were in your position, I'd continue with your current approach until you reached that final stage - I would worry that stopping earlier would allow me to revert back to the 'old habit' rather too easily.

Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn here, but I really dream of success for everyone on here.

mouse bet you are up the duff!
venus enjoy your planetry alignment. I think you are a star anyway
Hi to all others.
Been busy gardening today so am tired. Otherwise ok
indie how are the wedding plans going?
sunny you and me both, sister

TMI TMI TMI

Soma - I am at 10 and a half stone currently but want to lose 6lbs so that I'm closer to 10st on the dot. I've put weight on due to the morphine and ADs, almost 2 stone over 8 - 10 months, I started dieting at 11 stone 10 lbs, and I just didn't feel happy in my skin with the extra weight. My face is less puffy now but I just want to shift those last few pounds. The stopping of the binge drinking has certainly helped I know that for sure!

How are you getting on with the Antabuse? Getting on okay?

Re the menopause, I just don't have a cycle anymore. I went from every 28 - 30 days without fail and to the hour, to anything from 35 - 60+. I have the most horrific flooding when I do have a period, along with clots coming away.

I have a series of gynea issues from being 17 when I was told I'd never have children without the aid of fertility treatment due to the discovery of Endometriosis.

I've had 5 laparoscopies over the years, tried the coil, the pill, the injection and Jeff knows what else to help with my extremely heavy and painful periods but nothing helped in the longer term.

I've been put on pills to stop them altogether which was for a short while (3 months to give me a rest from the horror of it all) but they always came back ten fold. I've had months off work over the years because of the flooding and pain.

When I had my Liver Function test a few months back, I asked for a full MOT too and my GP tested everything, thyroid, hormone levels etc and said that everything was fine.

The last time I saw my gynea, he told me that there was no way he could say if it was early menopause but my symptoms fit if that makes sense.....

I could be way off but non of my meds cause an upset in menstrual cycle, and we have a history of 'women's issues' in the family with both my mother and grandmother having hysterectomy's at the age of 30 and 31 respectively.

If anyone has another other suggestions, I'd be more than happy to hear them and of course explore them, but for now, that's all I can think of

Right, time to go and change my mop of short, spikey grey into a lovely shade of black red.

Back soon xxxxx