The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!

[Mouseface]

Which is FANTASTIC!

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, I'm Mouse and I'm addicted to cheese, but have a pretty nasty relationship with alcohol too, mainly vodka.

This Bus is for anyone and everyone. Drinking or sober, or somewhere in between or just not sure if you're drinking too much........... this is the place to ask and maybe have a chat too.

No pressure, no judging, no cliquey savoury flans (although I'm rather partial to a cheese slice ), we're all on The Bus for the same reason; alcohol.

Even if it's not you, and you'd like to talk about someone you know, come and say hi. We won't bite, well, not unless you ask very nicely!

And, if you'd like to see our journey so far, follow THIS LINK and read back through the previous links there.

See you soon xx

hey. Mia alcoholic thinking is inevitable on a thread full of ppl with drinking problems so don't worry about that so long as you can handle it being challenged.

Soma i'm with davina, i'd say it's because it 'feels' great that it is so dangerous and needs to be stayed away from. Responsible honesty is my approach, drugs are bad just doesn't cut it imo.

Busy day ahead here just having a quick coffee and chill slot after walking the dog. Thought about all the things i was grateful for as i walked, both me and ds are lucky to be very 'able' and healthy (other than my mentalism) and that is enough to build a life on i realised. For all the problems i thought i had actually i'm a very lucky bunny and we have a good basic canvas to paint on so long as i stay sober and keep discarding the crap and embracing the good stuff.

Onwards and upwards basically.

Sorry if my positively is annoying. Perhaps i'll climb up on the roof rack for a bit.

positivity! Damp phone

damn not damp

All the best ma I would like a link too.

Forgot to say - the chap on the phone said something that JWN often says:

People at a day, week or a few weeks are inspirational to newcomers who can't see themselves doing one day. He remembers, and I had this exact experience ten years ago when I went to one meeting, that someone new can look at a person with a year or ten years of sobriety and dismiss them as not really having been a drinker. That they obviously didn't drink dangerously. But someone who has got through the day and built days into weeks show that it is achievable.

Many of us were lurkers and there are people reading and thinking now. Soma, your AFDs and Mia, yours too - they are so, so, important - not just for you. You will be helping people, believe me. You helped me.

saf stay where you are - I'm slowly working through reading the old threads - there's loads in them that are useful and your posts stand out

Good morning babes! I've missed you all - I hope my internet is back tomorrow, otherwise I will spend the whole weekend watching repeats of The Big Bang Theory

Well its been an interesting few days. I've almost decided to quit, or drastically cut down or something. The controlled drinking was doing my head in.

First interesting fact : hadn't realised what a habit I had got into of going to buy wine eg. I need to go to the chemist, go all the way to ParkingHell Park so I can pop into M&S at the same time - instead of just going to the chemist round the corner.

Second fact: self-issue checkouts are a lot quicker if you don't need someone to come and authorise your booze!

I've been feeling quite euphoric about my decision, its like a weight has been lifted off my mind. I didn't drink as much as some people - maybe 2-3 bottles a week - but it was driving me crazy. I was thinking about it all the time. Every afternoon - am I drinking tonight? how much? where can I buy my mini-bottles?

And ANOTHER thing (I'm on a roll now!) - I thought that I drank to relax. Guess what was making me stressed in the first place??? I would get so worked up about whether I could have a drink or not, that naturally when i finally 'let go' and had that first sip it felt like a huge relief.

This morning I don't feel quite so positive (when are those phsyical benefits going to kick in?! The clear skin, the bright eyes?) but I really hope to keep at it. I don't feel nearly as anxious.

That's all so true Joey. I have been known to walk to the other end of town in all weathers just to get wine. Honestly, it's ridiculous, isn't it?

I am still drinking less but haven't given up. I have noticed that I am not buying wine as much and that has given me a bit of a boost, if not a boing.

Joey I know exactly what you mean - all these non-sensical actions we take to make sure we have booze in the house. I have similar anecdotes including driving 25 miles out of my way after dropping off DS at a cub camp just so I could get some wine. Also making DH do a massive detour on way home from work MANY, MANY times to buy a bottle, just cos I was running low.

Craziness & I feel SO relieved to have that turmoil/stress lifted from my shoulders.

Ma good luck with RFL. You have inspired me to downlaod the couch 2 5K podcast & had my first waddle run last night! .

See what this thread is doing!!

Joey self check-outs are great aren't they, but where I shop, my booze always needs authorisation. I sort of cringe when they come along and have to swipe their cards...Do they think, sad old middle-aged alkie bint? But of course they don't because I always make sure I buy a bunch of bananas at the same time!

Tristessa the connection I feel with each and every person on this thread is life-affirming. To hear that my story can help someone else in any way is lovely. I got the same feeling when I went to AA but basically I'm a bit shy and used to find the male/female ratio a bit daunting. I do rate AA very highly but this forum has helped me more than anything.

Saf I'm with Davina too - much better to tell our children that drugs can make you feel great but that they can also set you on the path to hell...how to put that in a way that makes sense to a 12-year old is hard but I don't want to lie to her. BTW your positivity adds to my boing and I just have to get a DAWG! I've started drooling over every dog I see in the street and engaging in conversations with the owners. I love my cat but all she seems to do now is eat and sleep (and sit on my lap whenever she gets the chance). But I need a pet that's a bit more interactive.

Truth what a result that you had a nice evening without booze. Can you plan another one soon? I'm in awe of how you've stopped and are sticking to it. Gardening is another great love of mine, planting things or rather just letting seeds take root where they will so my very miniature garden is full of wild things.
But it all gladdens my heart.

Ma have ill parents also, so I hope it's not putting too much strain on you. Mine are in their 80s, mum is still lovely and lively but dad has deep deep depression and has said he wants to die :( How strange it is that we go from being their children to them being ours. All part of life's rich tapestry.

Well, tomorrow I start my antabuse and hopefully the infernal chatter about whether or not to drink will be stilled....that is my hope anyway and once that happens, I can start to find a new way to live. Love to you all, the help I get from this forum is better than anything I have ever found in trying to tackle ,my alcohol addiction xx

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Mia - no-one expects anything from you, and certainly for you not to drink. I'd rather that you didn't leave the Bus personally, I fee that drinking or not, we can all be a huge source of support to one another.

I like reading your posts, you talk a lot of sense about the way you feel when you've drunk and also when you've not!

Why leave now? So what if you decide that for now you can't and don't want to stop drinking? This is YOUR life, YOUR choice.

Of course we'll all still be here for you no matter what but you need to know that if you come onto the Bus and start moaning how ill you feel, asking why you drank, saying what a waste of a night, with a hangover...... someone might give you some real tough love and do a tiny 'told you so' dance!

I have no idea what Fentanyl patches are, I'll go look them up and see if it's worth a mention to my doc. Thank you for the suggestion.

Saf - For all the problems i thought i had actually i'm a very lucky bunny and we have a good basic canvas to paint on so long as i stay sober and keep discarding the crap and embracing the good stuff.

Onwards and upwards basically.

Sorry if my positively is annoying. Perhaps i'll climb up on the roof rack for a bit.

I do understand why you might think some might find that you're positiveness is annoying but I have to say that it's EXACTLY what this Bus needs! When was the last time we had people on here stop drinking completely and realise it to be the best thing that they could have done for themselves and their children/husbands/partners/family etc.....

Personally, I am full of Pom-Pom cheering for both you and MsGee

Posters who stop simply by posting here or seeking help elsewhere of a combination of the two, well, that's nothing short of fantastic really.

Last night I had a huge mug of hot chocolate and went to bed with a trashy magazine to read whilst DH sat in the lounge drinking and watching recorded tv.

I had felt no bitterness or wished that I could sit drinking too, the very thought of it made me feel ill. I honestly believe that the more you drink, the more you want. The less you drink, the less you want

And the above is the same for everyone, for everything.

Hello to all the other Babes lurking, older and newer . Off to entertain a tired and hot (as in temp) Nemo.

Lots of love,

Mouse xx

PS - I'm wearing 2 of DD's tops, age 12-14. That's how much weight I've lost! and I'm sure that not drinking gallons of wine is helping!

PPS - Ma - crossing everything for you xx

Mouse Fentayl is like a very slow-release morphine - you put the patch on and it lasts three days approx. Works for some of our patients, although I'm not a clinician! I can't imagine being in constant pain like you are - am sure you've been referred to pain management services, wish they could help!

DD's little half-sis (June - what a quaint name for a 3 year-old) finally went to GP for some antibiotics for her cough. Apparently it gets so bad she vomits and has on occasion burst a blood vessel in her eye. And yet she never stops smiling or delighting those around her. How lovely it would be if she and Nemo could meet one day :)

Saf I second what Mouse said about your fantastic journey. I am thrilled to hear how well it's all going for you. It's truly marvellous and wonderful and great to hear about. Same goes for MsGee and anyone else who wants to talk about how fab it is not drinking. I love hearing all about it

Mouse The less you drink the less you want, yep, yep, yep. This is certainly true for me. I like not drinking. When I do have my occasional drinks, I'm so aware of how it actually tastes, how refreshing it really is and have discovered that it's really not 'all that'.

I have also become the lightweight that I used to scorn. One glass of wine and my face gets flushed, two and I'm definately tipsy, three and I can't stay awake. Four? Well I haven't wanted a fourth glass for a long time now. So, for me, one or two glasses is really the limit. It's what I wanted and has totally convinced me that I don't need alcohol or even want it most days.

Mia I agree with everyone else, if this bus helps you, keep posting your thoughts and feelings x

Isinde haven't heard from you for a while. How are the wedding plans coming along? Have you got your first dance song sorted out? I love Ed Sheeran Kiss Me Hope it works, you know how terrible I am with links

Well done on the weight loss Mouse, I've gone down from a size 18 to 16 and am now verging on a 14. Could never have done it when I was drinking, just too many calories. I am considering having a look at the C25K just to get an idea of what it's all about. I would love to be fit enough to run but not sure if I want to put the effort in

Is anyone (looking pointedly at Ma but anyone else as well) doing the race for life thing? I have signed up for it with DD and DSIL and DNiece.

I am more than a bit scared because I know that I will expire, genuinely expire, if I have to run 5k.

Am going to start doing C25K urgently this weekend. Rather worryingly, I only have 6 weeks in which to learn how to run 5k.

Is there an accelerated programme for reformed lushes?

Just checking in and trying to catch up! It all moves so fast on here, and it's difficult to keep pace with each person and their individual journeys, especially when I don't often get the chance to log on during the day, so forgive me for not name-checking. I think those of you who do it all the time are awesome!

Well, 3 weeks for me. It feels like a monumental milestone, and I have reached the stage where I look back in amazement at how I was sabotaging my life and health, sanity, balance, and frittering my life away. My whole take on all facets of my life has undergone the most amazing change; to say I am boinging would be the understatement of my decade (OK, maybe just the month :o). Several people have asked if I have a new man in my life because of the new spring in my step; wish I could tell them the real reason

I am trying not to be complacent - I've been here before, and thought I was strong enough to attempt controlled drinking - then I'm straight back to square one. The babes' experiences of controlled drinking have given me much food for thought - I know I am the sort of person for whom it is sooooo much easier just to banish alcohol from my life, rather than obsess about controlling it, and (at least for now) I'm not going to go down that road again - life's too good to fuck it all up again.

Sorry to witter on about myself. Hugs and strength to all of you x

Just popping in to say have a good evening everyone. I am off to a friends to stay the night. I will not be drinking but I'm looking forward to a proper catch up with her over a cup of herbal tea

Till tomorrow Babes

xx

Carrie I'll let you into a little secret . . . when I first joined the bus I used to keep notes on a little pad so that I could try and work out who was who

You sound like you're really enjoying your sobriety. Great isn't it

Have a lovely evening Truth x

Faire that's a brilliant idea!

I am incredibly touched by all the lovely things you Babes have said to me after my post last night. I wasn't going to just vanish, but I felt like I didn't have anything useful to contribute, or that I was just posting me me me all the time, or that I'm a fraud posting here if I'm looking forward desperately, obsessively to pouring a glass of wine at six o'clock (well if nothing else then at least I've banished 5pm wine-time). I don't know what to think at the moment tbh - I'm feeling a bit lost; one minute up in the air and positive the next second down in the pits of self-loathing hell. I fucking hate the sound of my own whinging voice when I'm feeling like that and I hate not being able to articulate myself. I don't know what to do for the best - drink, don't drink; ask the GP to change my AD, increase the dose of the one I'm on, stay on this dose of this AD; carry on home-edding DD or put her back into school. That last one is a bloody tricky one - she's hysterical at the mere mention of going back to school - but I don't think it's healthy for her to be cooped up with me when I'm like this. I manage to be 'normal mum' (as normal as I ever get ) most of the time but I'm aware that I've been much more short tempered and shouty with her lately.

Aaaarrgghhh!! see this is what I mean I come on here and just go 'blah blah blah blah' with all the shit that's churning round in my head. I was feeling better and much more relaxed after pouring a glass of wine but when I start thinking about it all I get all pent up and don't know which way is up.

Ok I had other things to say (that were sensible and not like this), but I'm going to go and cook dinner now and try to relax. DD is with xDP until Tuesday so that gives me a decent break. She should have been there last w'end but he was busy, which means I've had her solidly for three weeks rather than the usual two. I love her dearly but it's very intense with us together so much. I will just take this time to calm down a bit.

Thank you so much again for your kind kind words - they mean ever such a lot to me. This bus is an amazing place.

And Soma of course you can text me you silly pickle - any time! {{{Soma}}}

Hi, just checking in. I've been so busy today that i have completely missed my drink o'clock weak moment! I've got lots of plans for tonight so i think this might just be day 2 without a drink. Hurrah!

Is Whatkatiedid around? How are you getting on today?

hopefully you can do it. it's a damn sight easier than giving up booze! Just follow the programme and don't be disheartened at the start when you can't do much. it really does improve very quickly - you will be amazed.
thank you for those who have asked for the link - will pm it
greyhound well done on getting started.

Hello lovely Babes and New Babes

I'm in the sidecar tonight - got off the train and went to the pub. Tired and a bit hecked off, but that's no excuse. I feel better than I deserve today.

I am not drinking tonight.

I sometimes write little notes too, and more than once I've seen dp looking rather puzzled at a post-it note that says "Jesus - shoes, mouse, Truth, bra, boxing ring, Hopefully, poo-gate, demented" - clearly not a shopping list then

mia I remember that last time dd was away you didn't drink and you made her den in the loft - and I remember how strong and upbeat you sounded. You've got all that in you.

For those who are debating the stop / cut down / controlled drinking / stop for ever cycle, my answer (to myself as much as to others) is "I'm not really drinking much these days". For me that is the perfect context - I can still take it one day at a time, if that's what I need, but the context is absolutely clear to me - I don't need or enjoy or benefit from drinking. However it does not take me to that scary place that says 'I can never, ever drink again'. Even though 'not really drinking much these days' actually means not drinking at all for a long time, I still have a dread of being offered a glass, deciding to drink it and then having to face the 'judgement' of hundreds of people pointing their fingers and saying 'ooh I thought you didn't drink / were never going to drink again / were teetotal / were an alcoholic' all of which would make me mad and furious and petulant and would cause me to then drink loads and loads - just to show them!

And even typing that shows me that I've got enough alcoholic thinking still in my brain that for now, it's probably best that 'I'm not really drinking much these days'

Oh dear, oh very dear, I drank tonight thinking this would be it for ages and phoned my lovely mum aged 82, who has enough on her plate with difficult self-obsessed husband. She knows something's up with me and I let it all out and she was wonderful. I feel so bad burdening her with yet more family crap (my bro is an alcoholic also) but she didn't judge, just wants me to get better. I'm so fortunate to have her and I hope I'm not making her life more hell than it is. My bloods came back; I'm as healthy as an ox, WTF.

Mia you are not going blah blah blah, I (and I'm sure many others relate to what you say) need you here. I reckon we are just a bunch of lovely gals who think too much and love the release that alcohol gives us. I know with my appointment tomorrow I have to admit I'm lost and have to make some changes. My real issue is the short-lived euphoria that alcohol gives me compared to the self-loathing so aptly described by MsGee earlier. My problem is that life seems so much more fun and exciting with booze and I'm probably just a hedonistic fuckwit. Old habits die hard, started as a teen. I guess I just have to try and be normal. Does anyone know how an alcoholic-dependent babe gets there? xx

Soma, that's fantastic news about your bloods - you can start your recovery when you are ready in the knowledge that you haven't caused permanent damage to yourself. And well done for unburdening yourself to your mother - that can't have been easy. She sounds lovely.

Beginning of week 4 here. Bouncing off to work, so laters x

Morning all,

Hello to all new Babes, I won't name check in case I miss someone, and I hope I'm not butting in, because I haven't posted as regularly as usual, can I wiggle my (big) bottom down for a bit?

Soma Great news about your blood tests, as Carrie said, you can find the new road knowing that you haven't done any lasting damage, what a gift.
I used to think that the evening was so much more fun with wine, and tell you the truth, it was with the first three glasses, then as the bottle went down, and another one opened it was tiring, and I may have thought I was giving Dh witty asides to television programmes, but I'm sure I wasn't. And then the mornings..... I think I have read in Marian Keyes books, about people "being in "the horrors"", and that is how I used to feel. Regretful, ashamed, struggling to be "normal", eating loads of crap, etc, etc. Then as the day wore on, I would obsess about other times, other things that that I had failed at, think, think, thinking all the time. And guess what I thought would cure that?

To everyone on the bus, you are here because you are worrying, and so was I, and I still do, but I do it in a very different way,now that I am not drinking so much.

Sorry too much Blah first thing in the morning

Ma my lovely, well done on the running, can you now run fast enough to avoid (ahem!). Still the same down this end of the country!!

Isinde How are the wedding plans?, what are your rings like? How are you doing generally?

JWN are DD's wedding plans all finalised now? Is it the big countdown?

Dear Mouse so sorry to hear that you are still in pain every day, but so happy to hear that Nemo may be eating solids soon. I hope he isn't like my DC1 who decided that he was only going to eat marmite on toast for 18 months!!

Bproud I hope you are ok. Has DD moved out yet? AArgh, it's such a wrench, I try to bear in mind something my mum said to me, that we have brought our Dc up to be strong and independent people, ready to move on in thier lives, and that is an achievement to strive for. It's just so hard, and I still feel it, very badly sometimes.
DC2 isn't even going to be at home for the summer holidays from uni, as he is going to the states for 3 months, and so I will have 9 weeks holiday, with many days to fill. Oh well, I have to "man up" as DC1 would say .

Venus sending you love, hope DD is ok, will pm you.

Oops look what happens when I don't have to be in work at 8 .

Very much love to you, I've missed being here.
xxxx

carrie well done on three weeks!

ht i hope you had a lovely night with your friend. my friend in ireland and i sat up really late talking away on my first night there and there was a point where i was like shit we'd have been at least 3 bottles down by now wouldn't we? it's really nice to wake up in the morning and remember what you talked about and know you did really care what they were saying and can remember it and still care the next day and to not have to do that oh god i remember crying but not exactly what about kind of head screwing.

mia how about identifying another mission you can get done whilst dd is away? or maybe some planning for the week ahead HE'ing? if you ever do rs/philosophy and ethics with her i could probably send you some lesson ideas - might not be the content you're usually after (things like medical ethics, poverty and wealth that sort of thing) but is good for structuring ideas and arguments. or you could plan a theme week that had visits to places built in or built up to an independent project that would give you a break? i don't know about HE but when i was teaching planning was key - if i knew i was stressed knackered etc then i'd plan for that making sure the lessons were very structured and task orientated so i got more peace iyswim. could be a good use of your time alone that distracts from booze and pays off in the week ahead.

soma it honestly doesn't sound like it is much fun or involves much hedonism any more tbh. maybe it was once and you're chasing after getting that feeling back but does it honestly give you that feeling anymore? tbh my gut feeling, which could be way off so feel free to ignore obviously, is that this is more about punishing yourself, some kind of self destruct and self harm rather than fun. but as i say feel free to ignore.

day 38 (had to work that out btw i don't have it engraved on my brain honest) for me. going to carry on with decorating the hall today and maybe start tackling my bedroom that i haven't even slept in for well over a month so has become my dumping ground for mess i'm trying to ignore my head's desperate desire to move away. well not ignore it but put it on the back boiler to simmer away over time rather than be plunged into. aa reckons no major decisions or moves for at least 6months - tricky because you start to see the bad decisions and moves you made whilst drinking and wanting to change everything but it is good advice to cool your heels and not do anything drastic - my motto these days is 'respond not react'. a lot of my life has been reacting - bit like a pin ball machine.

right too long a post sorry!

good morning babes