The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!

[Mouseface]

Which is FANTASTIC!

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, I'm Mouse and I'm addicted to cheese, but have a pretty nasty relationship with alcohol too, mainly vodka.

This Bus is for anyone and everyone. Drinking or sober, or somewhere in between or just not sure if you're drinking too much........... this is the place to ask and maybe have a chat too.

No pressure, no judging, no cliquey savoury flans (although I'm rather partial to a cheese slice ), we're all on The Bus for the same reason; alcohol.

Even if it's not you, and you'd like to talk about someone you know, come and say hi. We won't bite, well, not unless you ask very nicely!

And, if you'd like to see our journey so far, follow THIS LINK and read back through the previous links there.

See you soon xx

saf if you tune into Geeradio between 7pm as 8pm its on a loop! Chorus is no one loves me and I'm all alone WAAAAIlL

Oh wait - we have a new verse

I have snot on my hand

Now we are back to being unloved

this is my trigger time now, home alone, waiting for DP to come home, no idea what mood he's going to be in. I'm tired as had a really rubbish nights sleep last night due to alcohol intake but a glass of wine would normally be in my hand.

I can't potter about downstairs as too tempting to reach for the fridge, so am now contemplating cleaning the bathroom.

Sorry I can't be much support to anyone at the moment but it's really helping to put my ramblings down here

Bouncing in briefly on a frenetically busy day....

Just wanted to say that one of the things that helped me was seeing all of this 'non-drinking' malarky as a big experiment (latent scientist in me). I already have more than enough evidence about drinking / how it feels / what the consequences are / what the triggers are etc, so I've been exploring all the avenues related to non-drinking: what tastes lovely and refreshes and uplifts at 5pm; what works for 3 /4 / 5 minutes during an intense craving; what tactics worked for going to social occasions / what words and phrases work when explaining the lack of a drink in my hand...

For me this has made it possible for me to keep on experimenting and finding better and better ways that work for me. And for observing the results - finding that (like Faire) it is possible to have massive fun with friends without any booze, and that my mood is so much more stable, and that what I liked to call 'functional alcoholic' was barely functioning at all, and that I cannot believe the amount of money I used to spend.

Katie if cleaning the bathroom works, then that's an interesting outcome to your 'experiment' this evening. Good luck everyone x

Hello again, tis me, Mouse

Saf - you day tomorrow sounds good, are you finding that without drinking you want to do more? I find that mornings are easier and that waking up after a night shift with Nemo is much easier without a fuggy head.

Oh and my typo 'TOADY' was supposed to say TODAY I don't know anyone called Toady

Soma - keep going. Your posts are much more positive today. It's great to read them. You should read them back too, see the changes in you.

MsGee - LMG melting down is she? I love that she thinks she isn't loved, such fun and drama at that age! When she's finished, give her a squidge from me xx

Katie - Sorry I can't be much support to anyone at the moment but it's really helping to put my ramblings down here

You never have to support anyone on here, just support yourself. Distraction is the key, be busy. Stay busy.

I'm not eating tonight, I'm feeling a bit YUKKKKKY. DH is cooking fish, well, he's doing something to it and it's not helping. I may have something light before bed. Nemo is fast asleep so it's catch up tv time.

Be back tomorrow, another full day!

Stay Brave Babes,

Mouse xx

All is quiet in the Gee house (phew).

Hopefully sorry I realised I didn't answer your Qs. I was drinking btwn 1/2 and a bottle of wine most nights. At least a bottle on the nights I could 'get away with it'. I would drink over a two - three hour period and force myself to go to bed to stop me drinking more. Something stopped me drinking past a certain time. Not sure what but some self preservation or the fact I needed to attend to DD at 9.45 - 10 every night and didn't carry on after that. I could neck a bottle of wine in under an though if I needed to...

Interesting that you ask about the end outcome because after nearly two months I have been wondering this myself. I couldn't tell myself I'd never drink again but I don't want to go back to drinking like I was before as it was impacting on so much of my life (relationship with DH, parenting patience (!), work). So I don't really know is the honest answer. I am going out for a nice meal in a few weeks time. I might have a glass of wine then. I am out for a family birthday next week and I won't drink then - it would be for the wrong reasons and all my triggers (family!) would mean that it would end badly.

However. I have been here before. I stopped drinking for 3 months from August 2010 and then for three months when pg from March 2011. Between those times I was on a fairly even keel. But since June last year my drinking has ramped up so I am aware how quickly it could be a problem again. I know I am not cured. I believe I have broken a pattern of behaviour and a cycle of abusing myself. I also believe that I could easily fall into that cycle again.

In fact how easy that would be is mainly what stops me from picking up a drink.

Not drinking is easier. Honest.

Most here will tell you I struggled with this truth. I bounced from the bus to roof rack to lying on the road, flouncing off at times. I believed I could fight it whilst still drinking. I couldn't. I gave it a bloody good try though. Coming up with new rules about when and how much I could drink.

It is easier not to drink. For anyone new reading this please believe me. It is easier not to pick up that first drink than deal with any of the subsequent drinks, self loathing and crap that goes with them.

But I didn't listen to anyone else, I guess we all need to learn it for ourselves.

Mouse SQUEEEAAAK I have missed you lovely xxx

LMG is a huge drama queen. She also says she is unloved and naughty, when the reality is that she is the most loved and coddled child there is. I have taken advice who told me I need to remove myself from bedtimes for a week to break the cycle of her basically manipulating me. I cannot do it. So the cycle continues ... I am trying to be tougher. I know I have to do it for both of us. And I know its all about re-gaining my confidence as a mum and knowing that if I let her cry for ten minutes I am not failing to protect her like I didn't protect ... well you know

I even took your advice (10 months on!) and posted in bereavement the other week. Doc has suggested I contact SANDS. Anniversary next week. We shall see. Small steps.

How is lovely Nemo still chomping all your choccie?

Watching The Apprentice. Are they having a larf or wot??!!!

Fairenuff thank you so much for your post of 16:44:17

I was pissed off at the meeting today when another newcomer showed off his ooh shiny one month medal because they are only available at the main evening meeting which I cant get to because DS needs me to put him to bed.

So I ordered one on-line and now feel very childish!

Hello Babes!

MsGee Thanks for sharing. Yes, it's interesting to think how long cutting it out completely can last.

I know just how quickly I could get back to my 2-bottle a night habit. One night. That's how long it would take me. Scary thought

Soma you get a metallic taste in your mouth occasionally, but not bad breath, For me in any event. The worst side effect is the chronic tiredness. I thought I'd got over that, but had a late night last night which seemed to knock me for six today.

One huge upside of sobriety is really properly being able to concentrate on the children and interact with them properly, as opposed to with half my attention because I was half drunk. They are lovely and I feel guilty for not being all there before. Time for me to make up for it now. Chemistry homework calls :)

Thanks to everyone for their support today. Made it to bed time without a drink.

See you all again tomorrow..........

Well done casawasa

Hello Brave Babes.

Sarah thank you for your very kind words! Chopin I'd love to think that I might have helped your DD with her mini-beasts project.

I hope everyone is well and happy and sober this evening. Nice to see news of MsGee' and some new Babes too.

I'm retreating into the background for a while, I think, because I don't know where I'm at with drinking/not drinking at the moment tbh. Lovely Mouse you asked me in a pm last week whether I really want to stop drinking, and I've been thinking about that ever since. I did want to, certainly, because I thought it would transform me into a whole new shiny person mean that I felt better and wasn't so full of all those feelings that plague me.

Aaaarrgghh. I've just written and deleted about five sttempts at a paragraph. I can't articulate my thoughts at the moment.

I can't commit to not drinking at the moment. I don't want to not drink at the moment. I'm not drinking to excess, and I'm not getting plastered, although I'm probably drinking more than a healthy number of units. So I'm not going to post here for the time being because it feels a bit hypocritical when I'm counting the days or hours 'til I can have a glass of wine, and I'm in no position to advise someone who wants to stop. I don't want to clog up the thread with the wrong advice or the 'alcoholic thinking' that's been mentioned.

So I'll be here, reading and lurking and keeping track of all you amazing Brave Babes, but I won't post as much for the time being. I'll just be taking it all in and trying to keep my wine consumption in the moderate range.

Soma I hope your appt. goes well on Friday and I will be thinking of you!! xx

Good Morning Babes

SarahRT Thankyou, good to know how I was feeling yesterday was fairly normal. You are right, I have relied on alcohol for so long to make me feel "good" and also it structured my day that now I feel a little lost. I need to add some new structure to my day and maybe find a hobby (or even a job )

Saf Not sure about AA but will give it some thought. Years ago I had counselling with CAN but didn't find it all that helpful. Thankyou for saying I am doing well. Part of my problem at the moment is that I feel I should be finding it harder to not drink, maybe I feel though as though I need to punish myself, I don't know.

Faire DH must have noticed that I'm not drinking. He knew I was hiding bottles, he must have been able to smell the alcohol on my breath at 9am but he never commented on that just like he isn't commenting on this. Think it is just another piece of our struggling marriage at the moment.

Tristessa Good on you for getting your own one month medal Crap that you can't get one at your regular meeting though. You are doing so well, I can't wait to able to say 1 month.

Thanks to everyone who has also said that not drinking hasn't suddenly made them all bright and bubbly and full of energy, it really is good to know I am not alone, I just need to find a new way or a new "thing" to get my feel good feelings (that doesn't sound right but hopefully YKWIM)

Mia You are lovely. Don't stay away too long. Still been dipping into your blog, love your James Bond photos xx

Well, smallest one is awake so I'll go get him then sit down and have a think of what I can do to get some structure and enjoyment out of my life that doesn't include alcohol.

Today, for the 17th day, I will not be drinking

Have a good day Babes
xx

Welcome Katie, Casa, Nibbled and anyone else I may have missed .

Just a very quick one as I am super-busy at the moment. I have one toxic sister staying with me for a few days, plus another sister and her DH arriving today for a full week. How I'm going to not drink I don't know but I am determined and, so far, my resolve is strong. Early days though

Tristessa, congrats on your one month, wow! I'd have ordered my own badge too!

Soma, really pleased for you about the last couple of days. Well done :) Hope it goes well on Friday.

Mia, only stop posting if you think that's best for you, lovely. I hope you don't stay away. I would really miss your input and your kind, wise words to everyone. I love your energy and your passion for all sorts of interesting things. Above all, you deserve to be happy, and I want you to be happy :) So whether you should be staying away or keeping posting, please do whatever is best for you x

Best go. Am behind with everything already!

Have good days everyone.

Hello SSSM and all the brave babes!

Mia I echo what SSSM says - don't refrain from posting unless it's helpful to you! I always enjoy your posts. It doesn't matter what stage of the journey we're on, or even if in fact we've reached our destination :)

I have a bit more bounce today. Still a bit tired though. Back to the addiction clinic on Friday. The EPO doesn't seem to have made much difference, but it's only been about 24 hours so we'll see. Can't do any harm.

Morning all

Just a quick post as at work but wanted to check in. So last night was wine free

So the plan is WhatKatieDoesTonight is stays sober again.

Thank you for listening, x

Morning to all the babes! This really is the most friendly thread i have ever read on mumsnet and so full of encouraging and brave babes

Another night booze free and fag free (had stopped just before my weekend 'incident')although i did have a mini paddy during dinner making... DP said that i need to pack in the temper tantrums.... my childish reply was
'then i will have NOTHING left to pack in...'
luckily this made us both laugh and stopped the feeling of fury that was threatening to overwhelm me..

Does the angry feeling last? Is it normal? I dont really feel the pull to pour myself a drink, its been a habit for so long that it still feels weird not doing it??

Not boingy or bouncy yet but im sure its just around the corner!!

nibbled that made me laugh - glad it made you and DH laugh too. You'll have to start picking your nose.....

tristessa Good for you for ordering your own badge - a month is a month whether you go morning noon or night!! Well done :)

Day 6 here. I'm still feeling a bit agitated and lethargic which is a weird combination! Dreading tomorrow as Friday night is my worst night of the week usually but I know I can do it and hopefully this time next week Friday night won't seem so scary as I'll have done it once before. Bring it on!

I bought some non-alcoholic beer which is really nice (Becks Blue) BUT I start reaching for it at about 5.30 which is when I would have started thinking about wine - is it a good idea? It's definitely becoming a replacement mentally.....hmmm not sure whether it's helpful or not.....

Have a great day Babes :)

Good morning lovely babes. Another mini-boing from me but I went a bit downhill in the afternoon yesterday so am prepared for that. At least I didn't drink yesterday and can't today because I have my appointment tomorrow.

Hopefully what's EPO? And thanks for reassurance re: antabuse, hope I can start it soon. SSSM don't let the family drive you to drink (that's easy for me to say . All of them, in some way, trigger me to want to drink, apart from my youngest brother who is so much his own man and just takes life as it is, that he seems to calm me down when I'm in his company. He's the only one in our brood who's either not a nutter or an alcoholic (or both).

Honest hope you had a lovely slothful evening last night, did it make you feel good? MsGee your post was so inspirational because everything you said is true for me. It is easier not to pick up that first drink than deal with any of the subsequent drinks, self loathing and crap that goes with them is a mantra that I will commit to memory.

Mouse as an old-timer I appreciate your support very much. I know how much you have to cope with. How is your pain today, have you tried Fentanyl patches? As for you "disappearing" Mia, I echo what the others have said and that there's no reason for you not to post just because you feel comfortable with your drinking. You are much-loved here and we'd miss you. I, for one, don't want to lose you now that I've found you - would it be alright to text you once in a while to catch up?

Have a great day everyone, sorry I haven't name-checked all the new babes but it's great to have you here xx

ps Me and DD are sharing a bottle of Schloer with dinner most nights - it's delicious and we drink it out of tiny wine glasses. A real treat. She asked me last night why people drink alcohol, a real toughie and I took a long time talking to her about it and was as honest as I thought necessary.

Did anyone read about the slamming that Davina McCall got for telling her kids that heroin felt wonderful and that's why people use it but that it can lead to terrible problems etc? Not sure where I stand on that one but as someone who used drugs recreationally and loved them, I'd find it hard to lie to DD and not tell her the truth about why people take them. Any thoughts?

Yes Mia, please do stay. I love reading your posts and you are so helpful to others

A lovely man from company I ordered the medals from just rang with a postage query (I needn't pay as much as I was going to) and made a big fuss of me saying that he was very pleased and that they love sending out monthly medals for people. How nice - has absolutely made my morning!

Well done on Day 17 Honest - it is rather strange how we are not suffering more - we were drinking in the morning FGS. I am finding that A.A is brilliant at addressing my need for tangible penance as whichever one I go to, the meeting rooms are always bloody freezing

just a quick hello - finding it hard to keep up just now as have a lot going on at work, parents ill etc. Race for Life is on Sunday so trying to get ready for that too. Wish me luck!

fairenuff

I agree with Venus that this might be something you could consider doing for yourself, not for anyone else, to help you feel more comfortable with who you are because a low libido does not mean that there is anything 'wrong'.

Thanks to both of you, I have always blamed myself and this is a new perspective for me. Thanks everyone who gave advice.

Soma I had a lovely evening

Tristessa Glad you were made a fuss of on the phone, quite right too What a good start to the day! Yes I expected to be suffereing more than I am (especially considering by now I could have easily been on my way to finishing a bottle of wine ) instead I am going for a shower then to plant some bedding plants and hang out some washing.

ma Good luck for Sunday If you have a justgiving page will you PM me so I can sponsor you please? Thanks

Have a good day Babes
xx