He's been seriously unfaithful - but I can't help but want him in my life

[wabbitintheheadlamps]

Hi everyone - It seems strange writing this as I have his Photo with our newborn on my desk gazing intently and devotedly out of the frame.

Two weeks ago my DP told me he had continued to see an ex partner whilst he began to see me, as it stood I was quite forgiving of his indiscretion as I thought with a fiery, feisty woman it might be difficult to just say No.... Until the 'new' relationship he was engaged in had obviously become serious.

I'm 37 and he's 40 so we're not exactly green behind the ears so when I found I was pregnant ( and utterly over the moon about it) I wasn't afraid of giving him every choice as to whether he wanted to stay and be a full on partner and daddy or take a back seat role and be there as a supportive but not wholly engaged father figure.

He chose to be a partner and daddy.... planning how we'd fit our two very different worlds together etc and being supportive and excited through all the scans and ante-natal checks.

But:

When I was around 5 months pregnant he began to change, he wasn't so engaged and affectionate with me - and he mentioned an 'ex' who was disturbed and disapproving of our 'news'

I thought he'd get over it - then I thought I was ugly because I was getting bigger - then I thought I didn't have the kind of box ticking lifestyle that he approved of (other woman's a lawyer - I'm a lowly student and mother of a (beautiful) 14 year old)... He began to drop plans, which, as I'd been healthily sceptical of them in the first place, didn't surprise me. And then the gaps between our seeing eachother would become longer and longer. Unfortunately he's got a really good excuse for this too as he's a policeman with the MET and the July Bombings had just taken place... it really was chaos.

So bearing all this in mind - many questions in my mind were answered by his confession and I felt I could put it behind us and we could resume our previously close and loving relationship.

Then: I recieved a phone call from the 'other woman' (for want of a better name I'll call her 'Sharon')She told me she had miscarried a baby of my DP's at 3 months during the first months of my pregnancy She also told me that she was currently carrying another baby (also dp's) and she's 4 months pregnant... My Little one is 21 weeks today

In her first call she was gloating that she'd chosen clothes that DP had brought for him and the (bloody horrid) Bear Factory teddy that was lying at the foot of his cot (Not there now I can assure you!!!!!!)

So I can assume - and DP doesn't deny it, that they've been seeing eachother throughout my pregnancy and into the first weeks of my darling little boys life....

Trouble is I still don't think he's bad - though I'm terribly hurt by the way he's behaved.... What would you think? do? say?

I was utterly felled by her revalations

wabbit. I feel so sorry for you. Having equally hard time here with dh of nearly 9yrs. Two ds's then on friday pm he says he doesn't know how to carry on, doesn't love me. Just emigrated last october to USA for his job and now he's booked me and boys flight back to UK on Wed next week. I'm gutted and totally shell shocked so know how you feel. Plus he'd been having an affair for a year with new colleague. To be honest think you need to ask him who he wants to be with you or her. I think he wants the best of both worlds. Know my dh does, hence getting rid of us. If he can't commit to you, show him the door. You're worth so much more and so's your darling little ds. We now have to put us and our children's happiness first. If they don't want us, then let us all be strong together. Thinking of you.

wabbit -- what does he actually say, does he admit it's all true?
I don't see how you can trust him again.
Have him "in your life" for your baby's sake, but I wouldn't trust him. Wouldn't rely on him. Wouldn't want to be emotionally attached to him.

Alipiggie - Oh how sad... It makes me wonder how they can be so selfish. Isn't it different reading something similar from outside of the situation though... with your dh, my mind immediately jumps to the 'what a bastard' conclusion, but when you're in the middle of something like this it's not so black and white.
For you to have made the committment to move your sons and to say goodbye to all your support network at home there must have been a great deal of love in your relationship. I'm so sorry and can only offer {{{{{Hugs}}}}} and empathy xxx

I was in two minds as to whether to post this thread... It makes it all so real, I'm so glad I did though now, it helps as a purging and healing process.

Do you have a 'home' to come back to?

MsZ - Yes he admits that it's true, but has a different spin on the whole thing. She is apparently VERY fiery and has this miscarriage to wrangle sympathy and closeness from him with... She's blown hot and cold about me - though knowing the extent of our relationship didn't stop her wanting him (and his baby)... I guess you'd call her manipulative.

This isn't any excuse for him - just a bit of background.

Thanks for your input though - I find it quite amazing how it's not stopped the friendship between us. He was amazing during ds's birth and is so in love with the little man...

It feels as though emotionally I've been left facing in one direction whist the rest of the world has done an about turn

sorry but I could not get past the fact that he has gotten this woman pregnant - not once BUT twice whilst supposedly in a relationship with you. He also says she had a miscarriage to garner sympathy - unless she is a total bunny boiler, I can't imagine someone engineering a miscarriage to get sympathy etc from people.

I guess you have to decide whether you want him in your life as the dad of your little one with access or whether you want the whole family thing with him living with you and your children as a family.

To be honest he has showed you little respect by admitting her has been with this other woman the whole time you were pregnant and since you have had your baby - doesn't sound like a committed relationship to me.

For me personally - I would let him be the dad but have nothing to do with him in terms of a relationship between him and I. Let the other woman have him - I would think my children and I deserved better.

But that is my opinion for what it is worth.

Oh Wabbit, this sounds terrible. Has he justified or tried to explain his behaviour?

It sounds like he's got himself into an awful lot of trouble - two women and two children a few months apart. What is he going to do when the other woman's baby is born? Who is he going to stay with? How do you know that he's not been saying the same thing about you to her?

How has he carried on this double life? It seems to me that he's been lying to you for months and months and months. Even the clothes and cuddly toys he bought your DS were chosen by a woman he was having an affair with?!?

Thinking about how you were treated while pregnant and having his son makes me want to say 'dump him!!! He's a worthless bastard who doesn't deserve you both'.

Having said that, sons need their daddies. If you think you could trust him and he would commit to you, forgive him and try to rebuild your lives. However, the other woman and his other child would always be in the picture. Can you really forgive and trust him? Would you always be wondering if he was really on shift? What about days when he goes off with the other child (and this woman), the other child's birthday and christmas? How will you feel then?

This does sound like a terrible situation but may I ask who he has made a commitment to? Does he live with either of you? To be honest from your brief and heart-rending post it sounds very much as though he has simply continued a dual life with 2 different women, showing neither any respect. Is either of you truly the 'other woman'.

I am not purposefully trying to be harsh here but I would not be able to stand for this kind of behaviour .. he has a lot to explain and lot to make up for .. what does he say?

I really feel for you .. from an outsiders point of view I would think that she phoned you because she is not happy with the situation either. Maybe she sees you as the other woman and thinks that he will leave you to be with her etc. etc, the normal cliches!

Surely if she genuinely thought he is hers (or will be hers) she wouldn't have needed to call you, it sounds like she wants you to kick him out so she can have him.

None of us can say whether you should try and rebuild your relationship, that is your decision, but realistically if this is how he has treated you and her maybe its how he thinks all women should be treated and will never change??

Please keep posting, I found this incredibly helpful when my partner and I split up. Sending you huge hugs xxxx

Wabbit
What a terrible situation to have to get yourself out of.
Firstly take it away from you.
He is a weak man, selfish and indecisive, immature and cowardly.
Take the choice away from him. This other woman is going through the exact same things as you and she is engaged in a "competition" nd is now trying to score points as she feels threatened - how on earth could a normal person get a kick out of buying clothes for her partners baby!!!!
If you can blank him out of your life emotionally, let him see his baby if he wants but try to guard yourself. Push him away, tell him why but do not engage in anything else.
IF in the end you want him to make a committment to you, it has to be made by him. Although I cannot see how you could go back and ever be happy..
I think you're in a vicious cycle Wabbit, be strong, you can break it, get back your self esteem and your life.

wabbit - {{{{hugs}}}} Have to agree with everyone else about his lack of respect. You do deserve better, you know that you do not need him and that you are a very good parent who is very strong and can manage on her own should the need arise. Part of me wishes that the both of you would freeze him out and make him work to get access to the children so that he realises just how foolish he has been but I doubt it will happen. You know where I am if you need me. Just pick up the phone or email me honey I will allways find time for a chat. Give your beautiful children a huge hug from all of us in the hill household and I will see you soon.

wabbitt, what an awful thing to do. he sounds like scum, and so does this woman he is with. i actuaally feel sorry for her as well.
i dont think you will ever be rid of him, if he is the father of your child, he always will be. but i dont think you need the heartache he is going to bring you. try to lead you r life with your two lovely children. they are far more important than scum like him.
hugs

How can you deliberately miscarry?

This is awful for you, and i agree that your son should have his dad about as he grows, but i don't believe you need him. He has shown nothing but love for himself imo, he seems to have no respect for you or the other woman, and if you agree to let him stay in your life, you are in effect saying he can continue with this behaviour. So unless you are ok with that, then i would kick his arse out.

I also suspect this woman is calling you because she feels just as threatened. He is the only one who knows what he has been saying to both of you.

Good luck

I can understand how you have enormously strong feelings for the father of your baby, with whom you have had a 'close and loving' relationship.

But he has systematically lied to you. He has deliberately perpetuated a situation that is bound to cause huge distress to both women and children involved. That's not loving.

He's having his cake and eating it because both you and this other women are allowing him to. You cannot force him to stop cheating and lying but you can control your response to it.

I would value myself highly enough not to accept anything less than a full commitment from someone who was receiving the same from me. If you don't place yourself higher, he certainly won't. If you continue with this situation I feel sure that it will end in tears sooner or later. You may as well cut your losses, give yourself space and time to recover, and be available and sane when someone really nice comes into your life.

Apart from anything else how can he continue a relationship with a woman that would do that to his partner and I don't just mean the affair, I mean the vindictive gloating.

It may seem hard to end the relationship now, with a tiny baby, but it won't get any easier and the situation and constant doubt will probably get harder to live with. I would get out now while you can still be friends and before it gets any harder.

Oh gosh - there's a lot to take in here and thankyou all for your replies and much needed hugs. (mummyhill, thanks )

eidsvold - even I doubt that she engineered the miscarriage but she seems to be the kind of woman who thrives on nervous energy and creating dramas. the term 'bunny boiler' has been bandied about and DP says she's always tried to hold financial threats over him... and threatening to claim he'discussed cases he's been building at work with her which would make them inadmissable in court. There's a real possibility of his losing his job over this if it were to 'stick'

VC - He's not having any more to do with this woman, it appears she's not letting him see her (makes me wonder how real this pregnancy is (she couldn't tell me how many weeks she was... now for someone who's previously miscarried and (apparently) in and out of hospital - I'm struck by this lack of knowledge.)
He's willing to provide for the baby but she's not willing to allow him to (or so she says)

It's so easy for me to demonise this woman, but I know he's anything but blameless. He has been a coward and weak and everything you say Piffle, which is what I can't get my head around - He's NOT these things... His friendships are strong and loyal and he's a good son to his elderly father. It's like this woman's really had a hold on him - flattered him with her obsession and demands... unfortunately leaving me totally unable to 'compete'

Neither of us live with him (she briefly moved in but without her two sons before I met him) She's closest and works from the same station - I'm 100 miles away but see him weekends and when he minds the littlie whilst I go to lectures - Before Christmas our relationship was well on the way to being what it had once been... affectionate and caring and close - and then all this blew up in my face.

I'm so torn

Perhaps you need some space between you for a while. Stop all contact with him for, say, 3 months, which will give him enough time to decide what he wants out of life. Also it will give you the opportunity to see how you cope without him in your life. At the end of the agreed period, you and he can sit down and talk about how you move forward.

If he is so convinced this woman is manipulative, etc., could he not ask for a transfer to another station? If he can, but chooses not to, then I think you have your answer.

Oh yes - she's sueing him for £22k now because of work she claims to have done for his divorce papers... and for loss of work whilst he's been seeing her - Please tell me there's a skrew loose

I really think this is just perpetuating the drama some more for her... She knew about me and I think she enjoys the pain

I'm just too calm for my own good sometimes

Freckle - we've kind of come to an agreement where we're giving eachother a wide berth... He's got exams coming up and I want to give him every opportunity not to blame me for failing them... if he does.

I'm in the process of writing down my thoughts and feelings for him, it's so complex there's no way I'd get it right just by talking to him - I'm naturally a listener and will easily hide my arguments to avoid confrontation

This is helping me see what I do deserve out of the relationship if we do choose to continue - Thanks

Him changing stations would be kind of tricky whilst he's got these exams to take - he's in a good position but couldn't change without losing rand at the moment... I know he'd not be willing to do that - he's a real career policeman!

Message withdrawn

ggg - thank you x

I'm just off to Uni but will return to the thread later

Wabbit, it seems to me that you are still in the flush of love for this man and prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt and lots of trust.

Trust Me. I did this with my DP and he's had affair after affair after affair (about which he also consistently lied). I'm still with him for my DD's sake, but don't love him and certainly don't trust him. And now I don't care what he does.

I've wasted my life giving him the benefit of the doubt. Please don't do what I did.

It will be hard for you to leave him, but I really think you should.

I think it's a good idea to keep contact to a minimum for a while. I understand all the grey areas, that he has many good qualities etc, but the crux of it is (whether she's a barking mad bunny boiler, pregnancy is fake or whatever): there has been a sexual relationship between them (and as Fio points out, putting your health at risk without condoms) to such an extent that he could be the father, whilst you were pregnant and giving birth to his child.

If he couldn't manage to be honest, adult and supportive during that time, the time in yours and your child's lives when you will probably need him the most, then I would step well back from the relationship and give myself time to decide whether I really want someone that dishonest and selfish, regardless of whatever else was going on in his life.

If nothing else, it puts you in control and in a position of self respect.

i think ggg is right

Oh and btw I'm degree educated and 35 - it's not the domain of the seriously stupid to give serial adulterers the benefit of the doubt. They are very convincing.

What a great life eh - prove your virility, have two adoring women on tap for sex, don't have to get up in the night/deal with infants but still brag about your fantastic children. Trouble is, they give you the small talk, a hug when you most need it, sincere eyes and you're all theirs (not meaning you specifically of course, just suckers like me ).