He's been seriously unfaithful - but I can't help but want him in my life

[wabbitintheheadlamps]

Hi everyone - It seems strange writing this as I have his Photo with our newborn on my desk gazing intently and devotedly out of the frame.

Two weeks ago my DP told me he had continued to see an ex partner whilst he began to see me, as it stood I was quite forgiving of his indiscretion as I thought with a fiery, feisty woman it might be difficult to just say No.... Until the 'new' relationship he was engaged in had obviously become serious.

I'm 37 and he's 40 so we're not exactly green behind the ears so when I found I was pregnant ( and utterly over the moon about it) I wasn't afraid of giving him every choice as to whether he wanted to stay and be a full on partner and daddy or take a back seat role and be there as a supportive but not wholly engaged father figure.

He chose to be a partner and daddy.... planning how we'd fit our two very different worlds together etc and being supportive and excited through all the scans and ante-natal checks.

But:

When I was around 5 months pregnant he began to change, he wasn't so engaged and affectionate with me - and he mentioned an 'ex' who was disturbed and disapproving of our 'news'

I thought he'd get over it - then I thought I was ugly because I was getting bigger - then I thought I didn't have the kind of box ticking lifestyle that he approved of (other woman's a lawyer - I'm a lowly student and mother of a (beautiful) 14 year old)... He began to drop plans, which, as I'd been healthily sceptical of them in the first place, didn't surprise me. And then the gaps between our seeing eachother would become longer and longer. Unfortunately he's got a really good excuse for this too as he's a policeman with the MET and the July Bombings had just taken place... it really was chaos.

So bearing all this in mind - many questions in my mind were answered by his confession and I felt I could put it behind us and we could resume our previously close and loving relationship.

Then: I recieved a phone call from the 'other woman' (for want of a better name I'll call her 'Sharon')She told me she had miscarried a baby of my DP's at 3 months during the first months of my pregnancy She also told me that she was currently carrying another baby (also dp's) and she's 4 months pregnant... My Little one is 21 weeks today

In her first call she was gloating that she'd chosen clothes that DP had brought for him and the (bloody horrid) Bear Factory teddy that was lying at the foot of his cot (Not there now I can assure you!!!!!!)

So I can assume - and DP doesn't deny it, that they've been seeing eachother throughout my pregnancy and into the first weeks of my darling little boys life....

Trouble is I still don't think he's bad - though I'm terribly hurt by the way he's behaved.... What would you think? do? say?

I was utterly felled by her revalations

Emmawill - meant to say thanks for your positive post too... x

Alipiggie - love from your family will be so welcome for you I'm sure - You've been in the states for Four Months and this is all the respect he shows for a 9 year marriage - b'stards indeed {{{Hugs}}} to you too xx

Thanks Wabbit. Hopefully since he turned up with a beautiful crystal rock split in two, half for me and half for him saying he would love to see them back together. Perhaps when we're apart we'll stop hurting each other and I'll be able to look beyond the affair and think of what we had before and so will he. Let's stay in touch.

Morning Wabbit.

How are you this morning?

Hope you managed to get some rest last night and that C didn't keep you up. Hugs to Noop too. You are such an open, warm and caring person, who is an exceptional listener and who has given me some good advice. I am honoured to class you as a friend, but hope my post isn't going to offend or upset.

My BIL is a police officer and I asked him how easy it would be to transfer (without explaining your sit), he said the if your (d)p passes his exams in March then he should be able to apply for a transfer. It is wether or not he would be prepared to. Surely it would be better for you and your peace of mind if was able to show a comitment to you and put some distance between himself and this other woman by moving up to join you until your studies are complete and then you could make a decision as to where to go from there.

Must confess though that now you have told us that he is a divorcee my opinion of him has plummeted even further. Has he told you why he got divorced? If it was for adulterous behaviour then I am sorry but I would feel inclined to kick him into touch as it shows a pattern of infidelity that will only lead to greater heart ache after all a leopard cannot change it's spots.

All that said at the end of the day you and the children are the most important ones in this equation. You must do what you feel is right.

I will allways be there to listen if you need me, just pic up the phone. Looking forward to seeing you soon. Take care of yourself.

Wabbit ~ why do you think the other woman has had a change of heart and no longer wants anything to do with him? It can't be because she just found out about you; if she helped him choose baby clothes and a teddy for C then she knew about you and the baby.

Hi, yes there's the divorce to think about too I know... He's always seemed quite open about the causes of his divorce, they'd married very young and as each of their careers furthered it distanced them both time-wise and mentally... like strangers living in the same house, living two separate lives - They didn't have children.

Oh beatie... She told me she wasn't going to have anything more to do with him... ha ha ha.... I spoke to dp last night and apparently she's still calling and angry. Though he says she was more 'reasonable' last time. I'm sure she speaks to him more often than I do - He changed his mobile number on Tuesday and says he will change his home number too. This would give me a little peace of mind. She's also calling DP's widower Father trying to involve him in the argument.

I dispare I really do - I want to talk about C not what the situation is with his (I don't know) other woman

Just wish she'd lay low for a bit so we can get our heads round what's happening - very tenatious though, like a jack russell!!!

Alipiggie - is that Us keep in touch? I'd love to

Mummyhill - Thankyou I'm lucky to have you all to bounce ideas, hopes and fears off too xxxx

dispare - dispair

Yes wabbit, that was us keep in touch. Apologies but the time delay slows me down in replying. Hope you had a reasonable day

A good day as I was very busy but having an awful night, I've tried to sleep but have now resorted to expressing breast milk so there's some for dp to use when he takes care of ds whilst I'm at uni next wednesday - two wash loads and one baby puree later I'm beginning to feel tired again.

He wants to take ds to see his Father on Weds. His Brother is over from Australia and the plan is for me to meet the Brother before I go to uni and they drive up to Leicester where said Bro will be staying... DP will then come back to mine. I'm (sorry to be crude) shitting myself about this...

I don't think it's fair - every new thing ds has experienced so far has been with me. I don't think I'm ready - I've got a really busy weekend and I can see my Uni work building up (can't concentrate!) but I want to sort this out before Weds. I've said we'll leave an in depth analysis of our situation until his exams are done but I can't now as his role with C is intrinsic to the rebuilding of my trust.

I'm going to have to see if I can see him on Sunday - when I raised a question over his having C out and about, away from the house, he was surprised and it made me feel as though I might be over reacting. Noop doesn't think I am (but bless her, she's such a supportive girl, she'd back me to the hilt)

Thing is once I start to build a picture of how I feel for him I can't do it in half measures, I've got to be really sure of my expectations and the reasons for them. After reading all your posts my hopes may not have changed but my expectations definitely have...

Alipiggie - what area will you be in when you get back to UK?

Someone mentioned 'Focussing' as a technique to help me find out what I'm really feeling... Anyone heard of this?

Hello Wabbitt. How are things? I think of you alot - I hope you are feeling less stressed by uni, C and dp.

I did a focussing thing with a counsellor not so long ago. Had to 'draw' myself in the middle and spokes coming out with all the elements of my life. Then had to draw another in the same way - with how I want my life to be, and look at all the ways to move from the current to the ideal! It was to be unrestrained by money, locations etc - just what I wanted.

Not that C is a stress - more the letting go for him to spend time with dp.

Thanks SR - No C not a chore in any way and dd just fab at the moment
I'm sure I'll feel better when I've offloaded the stuff in my head onto dp!! I'm feeling it's a bit of a must for my own peace of mind... bottom to his exams!

Allipiggie - can you CAT me at all? I've not got the spare money to subscribe until early next month

Would love to keep in touch - we must be feeling very similar things... {{{{{Hugs}}}}} To you and your boys xx

hi i am returning here also - tail out from between my legs.... hope it is safe to return..... putting on a brave face - is the coast clear of cod?

have catted you alipiggie and wabbitintheheadlamps i feel so much for both of you.

stay on this site, people will support you through this. it does get easier. but it also gets harder. keep talking, dont ever bottle up the hurt or pain.

xxx

GorgeousNG - I've not got your e-mail yet... did something kick off on a thread with Cod?

Thanks for your supportive post, I will keep posting, as long as I don't get boring and annoying I'm very aware that I've asked for advice and for the most part seem to be ignoring it - This isn't entirely true, it's all going in!!!

DP is phoning quite regularly... I've not called him all week but he's called 3 times - last night I asked for us to take a day out to get to grips with where we're going and what we expect/hope etc. He's very open at the moment which is why I've got to find out where we're going...

Actually I'm very unused to his being so open about his feelings - his confusion as to why he's done what he's done - wondering if he's really such a sh*t (perhaps I should print this thread... he'd be in no doubt then )
They're rather mixed messages - but as I'm so calm and easy to talk to I guess I've forged myself the role of being the one person he can talk to... He's so ashamed he's not been able to confide in his best friend.

Looking forward to getting your e-mail GNG x

hey babe

thats all part of it receive advice and not accept it.its just the support and friendship receibed here that is nice to take comfort in

i give your dp this much.... he certainly sounds like he is making an effort.... i was stupid i came online saying mine was and i am sure i convinced myself he wanted to make an effort... he didnt... your dp still cares that is important babe.

as for cod.... her and her followers think i am an up myself bimbo, refer to the section members profile - i was scared off for a couple of days... what they said upset me a bloody lot, ended up thinking i could work stuff out with dh coz i was so upset.... now i think bugger them..... i'm back online and i'm not changing my name for to keep some meanies at bay!!

hope you get my email.... xxx

I think you are an amazing strong person you are doing a degree with a young baby and having all these relationship problems going on at the same time. I married young at 21 and tried doing a degree whilst having relationship problems and it was so hard I spilt up wiith my husband and took a year out between the 2nd and the 3rd year. I was on line for a 1st after my 2nd year and because I bascially fell a bit and ended up with a 2:2 you know what I regret now its not my marriage breaking up its not getting the degree I felt I was capable of. I never had children then so you should be so proud of yourselves that your doing it with you child I think your doing so well. Maybe it might just be best to try and focsed on it for yourself then if your relationship works out fanastic your're have that and a degree, if not then you will have your degree you and your son with have something to work with and at least you won't regret that anyway.

Emmawill - I was just talking about this with my brothers last night - after a long relationship with an alcoholic I'd managed to re-find my path and get myself into a seriously good Sociology dept at a top uni, I even moved house to do this course - I've been in such an emotionally crap place since, I know I've compromised my marks.

My brothers by the way have been fabulous in helping me see this from a masculine perspective - They think all of you girls that have suggested I 'kick him to the kerb' have got it right...

I just need loads and loads of support to do the right thing... I know I'm worth more than the way I've been treated and though I feel like crumpling into a heep and being scooped up into his warm strong arms to be told everything will be alright. I also know I can't trust him to be the man I fell in love with...

I'm going to tell him it's over.... but Girls... I need loads and loads of encouragement through this week - we've set aside next Sunday to 'talk' Keep me on track for rebuilding my self esteem and doing it... PLEASE????

Wabbit have just catted you, sorry for delay been having tough time in evening and friday was a day just for me and the boys. > back. We women will overcome our hardship, although right now it doesn't feel like it. We'll get through it with all this great support.

Alipiggie - just looking for your e-mail now

Just read all this wabbit. Sorry you are having a hard time of it. Well done you for being so strong and rational about it - its very difficult to remain as level headed as you seem to have been.

I hope things get better for you soon

wabbitintheheadlamp,

ive only just read your opening thread and not respnses as yet, im really sorry the hear your dp and personally i would want to kill and castrate him, hope you make the right decision for you good luck and sending a hug (O) x

mcmum - I'm sure I'll get to that stage when it's not so sore and I'm a little more removed from it all!

VVV - I can't quite believe how calm and un-angry I've been over this, a shock reaction I suppose, but one I'm quite proud of as it's protecting the wee one from having a distraught mummy. Hello by the way! hope everythings good in VVV world