He's been seriously unfaithful - but I can't help but want him in my life

[wabbitintheheadlamps]

Hi everyone - It seems strange writing this as I have his Photo with our newborn on my desk gazing intently and devotedly out of the frame.

Two weeks ago my DP told me he had continued to see an ex partner whilst he began to see me, as it stood I was quite forgiving of his indiscretion as I thought with a fiery, feisty woman it might be difficult to just say No.... Until the 'new' relationship he was engaged in had obviously become serious.

I'm 37 and he's 40 so we're not exactly green behind the ears so when I found I was pregnant ( and utterly over the moon about it) I wasn't afraid of giving him every choice as to whether he wanted to stay and be a full on partner and daddy or take a back seat role and be there as a supportive but not wholly engaged father figure.

He chose to be a partner and daddy.... planning how we'd fit our two very different worlds together etc and being supportive and excited through all the scans and ante-natal checks.

But:

When I was around 5 months pregnant he began to change, he wasn't so engaged and affectionate with me - and he mentioned an 'ex' who was disturbed and disapproving of our 'news'

I thought he'd get over it - then I thought I was ugly because I was getting bigger - then I thought I didn't have the kind of box ticking lifestyle that he approved of (other woman's a lawyer - I'm a lowly student and mother of a (beautiful) 14 year old)... He began to drop plans, which, as I'd been healthily sceptical of them in the first place, didn't surprise me. And then the gaps between our seeing eachother would become longer and longer. Unfortunately he's got a really good excuse for this too as he's a policeman with the MET and the July Bombings had just taken place... it really was chaos.

So bearing all this in mind - many questions in my mind were answered by his confession and I felt I could put it behind us and we could resume our previously close and loving relationship.

Then: I recieved a phone call from the 'other woman' (for want of a better name I'll call her 'Sharon')She told me she had miscarried a baby of my DP's at 3 months during the first months of my pregnancy She also told me that she was currently carrying another baby (also dp's) and she's 4 months pregnant... My Little one is 21 weeks today

In her first call she was gloating that she'd chosen clothes that DP had brought for him and the (bloody horrid) Bear Factory teddy that was lying at the foot of his cot (Not there now I can assure you!!!!!!)

So I can assume - and DP doesn't deny it, that they've been seeing eachother throughout my pregnancy and into the first weeks of my darling little boys life....

Trouble is I still don't think he's bad - though I'm terribly hurt by the way he's behaved.... What would you think? do? say?

I was utterly felled by her revalations

you deserve better than this
dump him, get on with your life and find a man who is interested in giving you his undivided attention
hugs
xxx

wabbit - I think you are being far too nice to him and far too reasonable seeing his point of view. What about you? It seems to me that you are buying all his lines "can't move station because of exams", "can't finish with ex because she is fiery", "can't use condoms because.... can't be bothered". You should not be putting up with this.

Sounds like an episode from "The Bill", Bozza doesn't it? Hope he isn't typical of all cops.

Oh my word Wabbitt - the more I hear about this other woman the worse it sounds - I'm so sorry for you - I wonder what else she will throw into the pie before shes done. It would make sence that she may not be pregnant now, when we call her a bunny bolier - didn't the woman in the film Fatal Attraction say she was pregnant?

Oh Wabbit ~ I am so sad for you. I hope you can find some peace out of your situation before you get too hurt.

One thing I must say to you is not to start putting yourself down. There are far better ways to judge a person and their character than by their job title. So what if she's a lawyer and you're a student? Anyway, you're certainly not 'just' a student.

From the content of your posts on the September PN club, I see you as a warm, loving, articulate, clear thinking, intelligent, strong and fair woman. And on top of that you sound like a wonderful mother to your dd and new baby.

If this other woman has to define herself by her job title to make her feel superior to you then I can only guess she does not possess any of the other, more valuable, qualities that you possess.

Don't let this man run you down. I can't tell you what to do as I have never been in your shoes. Time and distance from this man sound slike the best thing at the moment.

Thankyou so much everyone - esp VC and Simplyred and Beatie (you two already know of this) and VC for sharing her experiences too...

I'm so busy I cant do a long post at the mo (half term!) but I'll respond to questions and thoughts later

thanks xx

Message withdrawn

I know I want to get my Jerry Spinger guest voice on and say
Kick him to the kerb, girlfriend...
If only it was that easy.
I think he has many good qualities as you say Wabbit
BUT BUT BUT
He does not have the one or two basic qualities that would make these other qualities mean something.

Wabbit hope you're doing okay today. Each day at a time. It seems that there are many of us who have been through or are going through something similar at the moment. VC I to am a graduate and nope doesn't help you spot the emotional issues coming. Wabbit I'm having to so and stay with my parents. But hey at least I'll get some much needed tlc. Hope you can get the same too. Thinking of you.

wabbitintheheadlamps - oh gosh i know how you feel when my dd was 3 months old I found out that my now dh had cheated on me a lot of times when we were seeing each other and quite a few times while I was pregnant, we moved in together and even the day my dd was born he phoned some other woman. However, we have sorted it out we're now married with a ds as well and very happy, it just felt right. Your dps other woman sounds psycho maybe he's just scared of her!!! You know you got to think of ds though what I did is that I gave my dh 6 months to prove himself as i figured that my dd wouldn't be hurt so much at that age. Maybe set yourself a date sometime in the furture and if he can't make you happy in 6 months or a year then its not good for your ds to see his mummy upset and the more down you get the longer it will take to climb back up again.

Aren't men Bastereds?!!!

Wabbit I echo what others have said - he is an arse and you are better off without him in your life.

And this £22K she is suing him for - well tbh that just sounds like a concocted story to me, the kind of story one might make up if one was going to try and get out of paying maintenance in the event you tell him to get stuffed. Do you have proof that she is actually taking legal action against him? And the action is for work she did to help with his divorce? so he has two current partners, both of whom have recently had or are expecting his child, and an ex-wife as well? - well he just sounds like less and less of a catch to me.

If it was me I would actually try and get together with the other woman, maybe not consciously, but engineer it so that you could bump into each other somewhere. If she's 4 months pregnant then she will most likely be showing by now, that will tell you whether she's for real or not.

And whether she is a bunny boiler or not is irelevant, the fact is that he slept with her while you were pregnant, and when your DS was still a tiny newborn baby and he then got her pregnant as well, bunny boiler or not it doesn't matter, he shagged around and he has no-one to blame for that but himself.

I'd tell him to seriously get lost, give him access to your DS but tell him that relationship wise you deserve better. After all, who knows how many more women there are in his life.

And if I was feeling really vengeful, I might just be tempted to drop an anonomous tip off to his superior officers alerting them to this relationship so that he lost his job into the bargain.

Oh dear - where to start (I might have to do this in a couple of shifts as tiddley boy is wailing himself into a bit of a state) (he needs sleep!)

There are questions regarding what he says to her about me... The two conversations I had with her suggested thathe'd been praising of my temperament and parenting - more in a bit,got to get LO

wabbit
Firstly- buy him some condoms and explain how to use them!Has he never heard of contraception?
secondly remind him he's an adult and has responsibilities- his actions in life have consiquences he cannot just ignore them and carry on as if they are no concern.

Then do what YOU want to do - whatever is right for you and your child- whether that means staying with him or not. You know he's done srious wrong here but you have a child by him- it's not so black and white is it?
Plus this other woman IF she IS pregnant with his child you do realise she will always be a part of your life so long as he is- your child will havw a half brother or sister- so you can't just pretend she's not there.
Now is self preservation time for you and your little one- if you are prepared to live with all he's done then make a go of it- doesn't matter what anyone else thinks- it's your life and it's not a rehearsal- if you feeel it will make you happy but honey you must make it clear what you want out of this relationship and make him face all his responsibilities.
I do not envy you this situation but I have worked through a relationship with a cheating man and stood by him until he got his act together (we did however have 20 years and 3 children before he lost the plot) I know what it's like when your head says one thing and your heart the other- all I would say is get what you want out of this not what he wants!!!!!
take care of that precious child and yourself.

My full sympathy to you, what a vulnerable position you are in with such a young baby to care for on top of all this.

My personal opinion is that if your having his adored baby son has not made this man fully and wholeheartedly commit to you (a good start to being any use as a partner and daddy would be living with you!)then NOTHING EVER WILL.

For your own sanity I would say you have to tell this man that either he lives with you and your boy in an exclusive relationship, or your relationship is over. In the worst case scenario you would have to emotionally disconnect yourself from him. (I know, not easy and especially when you are a new mum and hormonal!)I think it's a case of almost giving yourself some cognitive behavioural therapy - every time you feel you love him or want him, have some stock phrases that you say to yourself about, say, his shagging another woman while you were up in the night feeding his newborn???) or ways of behaving, ie distracting yourself by doing something / going somewhere.

As I see it your alternative is to continue a relationship with him and just assume that he is sleeping with other people and possibly having kids with them too.

I hope you and he can work out a way to be parents together in a relationship but I honestly think that his ability to remain so distant (in reality, not in what he may say!) is worrying of the long term. I would be SICK if I thought my DH were capable of shagging another woman while I carried, gave birth to and cared for his newborn. And I would be disgusted with him as a father if he would rather be off doing that than with me at home, bringing up our child.

Whatever your feelings are for him, he sounds a crap partner (not exactly making you happy, is he?). I so so feel for you and hope you can find a way through this that makes you and your son happy. very best of luck to you.

Wabbit - as you know from the post-natal thread I don't really have any advice for you. You must what is best for YOU and if that involves forgiveness and trying again, then so be it. I just wanted, at the risk of sounding mushy, to say that you sound like an incredibly lovely supportive person, and that I hope that one day my relationship with dd is as respectful, loving and fun as yours with Noop. I take my hat off to you with having the stamina to care for Conrad on your own for the most part at the same time as studying.

Wow - I knew it would help to post on MN... very tough though taking in your more forthright comments.

The Bill!!! that brought a smile on. Don't think even the creative writers at Billsville could have thought of this storyline though!

Where was I before Maturer's excellent advice - yes apparently she knows I'm, well, kind of sweet really, I got the impression that she wanted to shock me out of being sweet, get me on side and deny him access to the babies... She warned him that she'd pay my maintenance so that he didn't have any dealings with either of us.

And she told me that she was sueing him so he's not making that up.

Thanks everyone for saying what a shite he's been - I find it so easy to blank it out.

I'm trying to take it all on board and like the idea of (after our break) expressing that I expect him to work at parenting with me and apply himself to reassuring me that he is worth my love - but keeping a time-scale in mind. I think I need to say that I expect us to be living together after I've completed my degree.

Sorry to all who've advised me to dump him... your words haven't fallen on deaf ears and I'll be more aware of taking care of myself. I just feel I've not finished yet, there's so much more to be said and experienced between us. It feels like I've been short changed and I want to do something about this, also that we're on a level playing field... I certainly don't feel in any way in awe of him like I did.

Thanks again all xx

Sparklemagic - what you say is sobering, unless I discontinue with my degree (a real backwards step) there really isn't a possibility of our living together. I'd be reluctant to move as yet as well, it's not just me and baby but my daughter too, he's got heaps of prooving himself to do before I'd take her away from a home where she knows she's happy. It would be a big deal for a 14 year old to move away from her friends - especially if the permanence of the move was uncertain.

Pooka, Beatie, Simplyred and Mummyhill - what lovely things to say xxx

Take care wabbitt - try to get some sleep tonight - your running on empty petal xxxxx

Couldn't HE move? He can transfer forces if he's a police officer. Why should you assume it would be you who uproots?

In your position I would want some sign of commitment that is as huge as the carrying on while you were pregnant was a huge sign of UN-commitment! But I know everyone is different and I'm sure you will find your way through this in time. Eveyone has their limits in relationships and I know mine would be different to yours - fair enough!

In your very first post you say "..they've been seeing eachother throughout my pregnancy and into the first weeks of my darling little boys life....I still don't think he's bad..." I think maybe you have given yourself the answer. Although obviously hurt, this is not your end point. You have a child of course now who needs his parents together, preferably. I just hope that you get enough happiness out of the relationship to make it worthwhile, I really do. It does seem you are putting up with a lot of crap and not getting alot of support in return. As I said, I do send my thoughts and best wishes to you!! x

Not sure I'd go for the living together bit - in your place I'd keep him at arms length. That keeps your own options open and you won't be too dependent on him emotionally. He may be a good dad and a bit of distance between you may keep things more harmonious.

Not sure how relevant it is, but - were you and dp trying for a baby when ds was conceived, or did it come as a complete surprise? You may already have said but, how long have you been with him?

Thanks girls

Sparklemagic - put like that it does seem odd that I'm not more angry and disdainful and disgusted by his actions. The idea of CB therapy wont leave me you know - you've put it in my head now!

Reading all your thoughts has made me more aware of what I am reallyfeeling - I recall when this all kicked off two weeks ago thinking it just completely surreal.

i know there's a child involved and its valiant you want to forgive and forget but still i have to say...doesn't sound as if he'll change, not overly remorseful and guilt racked and this ahs gone on for a long long time. If he is to have another child with another woman this isn't something he can just walk away from. I know when your worlds falling apart its very tempting to grit your teeth and hang onto it by your fingernails but...sounds to me as if you're in shock. my first love two timed me and i got a phone call out of the blue telling me to keep away from her boyfriend. we had been together for 5 years, we had a very slow breakup over many months, probably about a year because i just couldn't believe it, i blamed her not him, i wasn't ready to accept such a thunderbolt. will you be able to trust him if he's been deceitful the whole time you've beenm together, especially seeing as even if he tells you he's through with this woman he will of course be bound to her and the child. i am sorry, it is so hard, you have my greatest best wishes. whatever you do just don't think that you in any way deserve that kind of behaviour. he doesn't sound very nice to me

i think you are perhaps too shocked to feel the strength of your emotions right now. it is obviously such a deep hurt that you are perhaps in a small denial