He's been seriously unfaithful - but I can't help but want him in my life

[wabbitintheheadlamps]

Hi everyone - It seems strange writing this as I have his Photo with our newborn on my desk gazing intently and devotedly out of the frame.

Two weeks ago my DP told me he had continued to see an ex partner whilst he began to see me, as it stood I was quite forgiving of his indiscretion as I thought with a fiery, feisty woman it might be difficult to just say No.... Until the 'new' relationship he was engaged in had obviously become serious.

I'm 37 and he's 40 so we're not exactly green behind the ears so when I found I was pregnant ( and utterly over the moon about it) I wasn't afraid of giving him every choice as to whether he wanted to stay and be a full on partner and daddy or take a back seat role and be there as a supportive but not wholly engaged father figure.

He chose to be a partner and daddy.... planning how we'd fit our two very different worlds together etc and being supportive and excited through all the scans and ante-natal checks.

But:

When I was around 5 months pregnant he began to change, he wasn't so engaged and affectionate with me - and he mentioned an 'ex' who was disturbed and disapproving of our 'news'

I thought he'd get over it - then I thought I was ugly because I was getting bigger - then I thought I didn't have the kind of box ticking lifestyle that he approved of (other woman's a lawyer - I'm a lowly student and mother of a (beautiful) 14 year old)... He began to drop plans, which, as I'd been healthily sceptical of them in the first place, didn't surprise me. And then the gaps between our seeing eachother would become longer and longer. Unfortunately he's got a really good excuse for this too as he's a policeman with the MET and the July Bombings had just taken place... it really was chaos.

So bearing all this in mind - many questions in my mind were answered by his confession and I felt I could put it behind us and we could resume our previously close and loving relationship.

Then: I recieved a phone call from the 'other woman' (for want of a better name I'll call her 'Sharon')She told me she had miscarried a baby of my DP's at 3 months during the first months of my pregnancy She also told me that she was currently carrying another baby (also dp's) and she's 4 months pregnant... My Little one is 21 weeks today

In her first call she was gloating that she'd chosen clothes that DP had brought for him and the (bloody horrid) Bear Factory teddy that was lying at the foot of his cot (Not there now I can assure you!!!!!!)

So I can assume - and DP doesn't deny it, that they've been seeing eachother throughout my pregnancy and into the first weeks of my darling little boys life....

Trouble is I still don't think he's bad - though I'm terribly hurt by the way he's behaved.... What would you think? do? say?

I was utterly felled by her revalations

How are you doing? My 1st degree was in soicology and criminology. Its a very good subject maybe you should throw yourself into studying feminism and you never know you might get angry enough to tell him where to go!
Joking aside do you a personal tutor? Have you let them know your haven't personal problems? You probably have thought of this but if you haven't it might be idea just incase your're stuggling getting esays in on time if they know then they might give you a bit of extra time. Just your marks don't suffer.

Maybe not a shock reaction. Not everyone has a "ditch at the first fence" attitude

You know your DP better than anyone on here, you know better whether its worth working at or not. Certainly for your sons sake and his relationship with his dad i think you're reaction is well tempered.

Things are pretty cool here atm, if a little sleep deprived

Wabbit - not quite sure - are you sure the other woman is pregnant - or not? Because it seems to me that if she IS pregnant, and it is your DP's then he does owe her some sort of support, and the baby some sort of acknowledgement or fatherhood, if the ow wants it? Just as he owes it to you and your ds, if you want it - his support as a co-parent, I mean.

Emmawill - the uni are really supportive and I'm doing this year non-resident so just the exams in May/June to worry about - the work load is still more than I'd consider comfortable though, have determined to ignore the head turmoil today and work when the little man's settled down and my DD's sorted for the evening.

VVV - Oh I know I'm not the sort to jump ship before time... the thing is I've paddled a leaky canoe for years and years in the past - when all my friends were shouting to bail out from the shore!!!!! Ohhh I like this metaphore - could do a whole thread without refering to the subject directly
My heart tells me he's a lovely man who's done a very very stupid thing, and my nature is to forgive him everything - I've got lots of people around me and the majority on this thread who see his actions as callous and calculated. I'd never deny him a good relationship with our boy but he's got to show committment by learning the ways in which I parent and building up a relationship with his son within his son's home.

Blu - It is such a huge mess isn't it? This woman (I will call her Sharon as it's less dismissive to give her a name) Sharon is very angry and really eaten up by the whole situation, she told me, and has told dp that she want's him to have nothing to do with her baby - no maintenance - no registration - nothing... I'm aware that as time goes on she may well change her mind, dp is doing what he can to keep lines of communication open and though this is difficult for me to exactly enjoy I see the merit
On top of this I know that if she cools down, she may try to continue a relationship with dp - just a bizzare mess really - so on Sunday we've got to put our cards on the table and decide what we've got - or haven't got.

Sorry Blu - well, I have doubted this, dp's not seen her for quite some months though he doesn't doubt that she is pregnant. I found it amazing that she couldn't tell me how many weeks she was when I quizzed her - but I guess she could have been lying about her due date (to make it hurt me more) and that's why she was unable to say off the cuff.

So really I have to assume that Sharon's pregnant, yes.

I think the question is can you honsety ever trust him again? I'm only asking this as I know I still can't trust my DH 100 % and its a horrible feeling which when normally your a very trusting person it does eat you up a bit, but its true that time is a great healer but when this other woman has your dps child she will never be totally out of your life, can you live with that? Its so tough isn't it? I really feel for you, bloody relationship when you get older you think their going to get easier but they never do, do they?!!

Good luck for today hun. Wishing you loads of strength. Keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well. Give C and noop a hug from the hills.

Thankyou Mummyhill - Dp suggested 'til 2.30 which seemed reasonable to me... I'm often at Uni 'til nearly 1pm any way so it's only a little while longer and then they should be home.
How strange is this? I've built up today's visit of dp and C to dp's Father all week in my mind, but when it came to it actually happening and getting C ready with all his paraphinalia, it just seemed so natural that he'd spend the morning with his daddy, and seeing dp for the first time 'since' I nearly burst into the most inappropriate giggles of my life (Oh and I can do inappropriate giggles!!!)
Just feel it's all so bizzare I don't know what to feel.

I've just had a call from dp (obviously not the first since this all started... ) Anyway, just had a call and he met with 'sharon' today and she's had a still-birth, poor woman, she was 23 - 24 weeks

I'm not the vindictive type so don't feel any elation or gladness that she's gone through such a traumatic time - feel for dp too because at some point he must have felt an awful lot for this woman and she's gone through this without him because he's with me.

I had previously said to myself that if I heard she had lost the baby I'd feel it proof that she'd made the whole thing up, now I'm here I don't feel like that. It's just another sad sad thing in a very sad situation.

He's coming up to spend time with our little boy tomorrow, it'll be a poingnant moment I feel...

Sorry - had to post this, I've got no-one to talk to here x

Oh Wabbit - what mixed feelings there must be. :(

Are you sure it is true though? Did dp ever actually see her pregnant? I don't think you can go in questionning her (or him) obviously, but I would be cautious believing it. Just hold off investing too much emotion in it iykwim. The whole thing sounds very odd to me.

I agree. It all sounds terribly "convenient". He hasn't seen her for months and, when he does, she is suddenly no longer pregnant. I would seriously doubt if she ever was.

Oh hello! dispaired that anyone would see this!
Felt so lonely last night... Now it's actually happened I feel I can't doubt it too much because if it were true and I didn't take dp's sense of grief on board I'd never forgive myself... I'm also sad as I'm just a soppy bird and very, very broody about babies.

But my God, it's convienient and the really cynical part of me thinks the kind of grief she can muster over this new tragedy can never be matched! (not that I want a tragedy to grieve over, but just feel elbowed out) Though dp's doing a good job of reassuring me now he's here.

Knew I couldn't spell convenient!

Why don't you marry him and get her out altogether

Oh my family would go bananas at the idea at the moment (though I harbour pipe dreams!) He wouldn't attempt to take things there - wish I knew who you were, would be awful if you were her. Probably me getting paranoid! (sorry)

Is he ex Army then?

No he's a policeman... but could be read In Love With EX.... Squaddie - sorry just me being paranoid

I take it you're unhappy about being 'ex', gets so bloody lonely doesn't it?

No darling ex means no longer a soldier in the Army...

And we have been married 8 years. Pretty poor show for a copper to do these things to a woman who obv adores him ie you.

I am amazed you put up with it. Do you know how many men there are out there that would treasure you?? If he has done it once he WILL do it again, with somone else not ness her.

I'm so sorry - last thing want to do is offend MNers who only wish good things for me

I can't switch the love off at the moment... all the love hormones from bfing make me really calm and loving I guess, I would be angry I'm sure if ds wasn't so little - and Dp loves him so, my family are so Anti at the moment, finding the negative stuff a bit distressing. Though I know you're all only trying to warn me.

One positive thing that has arisen from this is that I'm not afraid to explain exactly how I feel to dp - I've never had a relationship where I've been able to communicate so well as I can now.

Squaddie - eight years is a long time to be together, a success in itself - what happened? do you mind my asking?

Met him when i was 17 now 28, been together 10 years, married 8 little lady of 2. Just love eachother so much. Soulmates. He has been violent only a few times over that period but is 100% rest of the time. Cooks cleans babysits gets up with her while i have a lie in. He is a gem.

I am lucky

Ahhhh so glad your in a happy relationship! was still reading the 'ex' bit wrong! fixated obviously

Violence is a strange place to go in a loving relationship, I hope he finds other ways to express himself to you in the future - I remember when I was in my 20s things could flare up with my long term partner so quickly and fists could fly... He was alcoholic so I felt it went with the territory, I now know his whole behaviour towards me was unacceptable.

Dont get it,happy with violent partner?!

About three times in ten years. Not an issue just the wrong time to provoke

No, I think squaddie means their relationship has flared into one or two phases of rage that ended in blows or intimidation... Sometimes we have to put things behind us and know we'll learn for the future - Squaddie seems very happy with her husband, I can't knock that.