I kissed DF's DH and my DH saw this. Is there any way forward?

[ShamefulNameChanger]

6 weeks ago DH, DC and I were round at my close friend's house. DH left with kids, and I stayed on with DF for a few more drinks. Her DH walked me home. I can't remember anything about the walk home at all. My DH was in bed when I got back, and came downstairs and found me snogging DF's DH at the back door.

I don't have any excuse for this at all. I don't know what happened as I was a drunken idiot. All I can tell you is I have been with DH for 12 years and have never done anything like this before.

I love DH dearly who has behaved with great dignity considering the circumstances. We are going to counselling and want to work through this and I pray that over time he will believe that I do love him through my actions.

DF's DH told her what happened. She is very angry and won't speak to me. I don't blame her. She has told the other Mums at school and I am being shunned. It is difficult as my DS is close friends with her DS but they don't see each other anymore.

I don't expect any sympathy for what I have done. I know I am in this for the long haul and things are not going to get easier anytime soon. I wanted to ask if anyone has been through a similar experience and managed to co exist with a friend who you have hurt deeply in a small village. I am worried that we will have to move and that will really hurt my DH as he loves our house and where we live.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I haven't told anyone about this. Thanks for reading.

Lunar Rose has it right. Perfect advice. Especially the part about what you say in the playground.

It was a drunken kiss. A stupid bit of misjudgement. It will probably make your relationship stronger because now you will always know how close you came to the brink with your DH. You sound like a nice person who is humble and accepting responsibility.

Personally, I would put a note through DF's door - short and sweet. Apologise profusely, own any damage and accept that she may not accept your apology. I can imagine you're feeling like crap at the moment. I bet many people do this, but they don't get caught out. It doesn't make it right, but it makes you human.

I thought by suggesting therapy I would show how much I want our family to stay together and also it would mean we could talk about this with someone completely neutral as opposed to just ignore it. I haven't had counselling before, but I've always thought that it would be a good thing to do even if this hadn't happened, or is that naive?

You are all right about the drinking, that needs to go.

I think it sounds like a good idea, even if it's just to see what is ho-hum about your marriage (like most of us! we are probably on that cusp of an accidental drunken snog...)

The drinking? It doesn't have to go. But the bingeing - yep. Enough.

focus on your family
IMO dont contact pal.that rapport is broken
and yep live and learn,it's a tumultuous lesson

If your drinking is problematic (and you say the last time you got ridiculously drunk was ELEVEN years ago, so it doesn't sound much of a problem to me) then you might want to address that. If your marriage was OK before this incident, and if your DH is basically a bit put out but able to understand that it really isn't that big a deal then you probably don't need the time and expense of counselling. However, if your H seems inclined to keep on and on referring to the incident and making a big deal of his own wonderfulness in 'forgiving' you while actually continuing to remind you that you are Bad, then counselling might help. By helping him to get over himself.

This is such an odd tale. I spent pretty much every weekend drunk in my twenties, the odd throwing up, and so on and don't think I have ever forgotton kissing anyone. I'm not saying it can't happen, someone I know swears her husband said she kissed someone at a party and she couldn't remember, but I always felt very suspicious that she would remember nothing and wondered if he'd made it up. Sadly, I don't think that's the dynamic here.

I don't agree there but for the grace go god. If my husband caught me snogging another man's husband, I don't think I'd still be in the house. Ditto if I caught him.

Give up on the friendship, it's just not a friends thing to do and she will never forgive you.

You do sound incredibly sorry and very unlikely to do this again, I think your husband will never quite forget, but he will move on. I hope so, as it was a bad mistake really (in front of him) but you sound like a strong couple.

Perhaps someone has already mentioned this, but this is just like that episode of Outnumbered where the Hugh Laurie character snogs one of the mums at a drunken do and Karen finds out. I'm sure you don't feel any better knowing this, but it might cheer you up to watch the episode (not with your husband, obviously), perhaps in a few years time when this is a distant memory.

Wow we do have some prejudices here dont we !!!

"monogasmist " being used as an insult.

presumtion of guilt being laid squarely and totally at the man. Come on women are just as capable of initiating a snog as a man... and responding to the other person. They may well have both been drunk and you can't absolve one person from being responsible and say the other is.

You cant say that he was more sober just because he walked her home ...... op walked home too. Offering to escort a woman home is just polite and not always " taking an opprtunity"

would the episode have been a "very, very minor" one had OP's DH been snogging DF .....hmmmmmmmm

I admire you SNC for squaring up and accepting that you might be partly responsible for the incident ... although none of us will ever know what was going on in either persons head at the time . Don't beat yourself up too much re getting drunk . ....as is said you had not much to eat and home poured drinks much more generous than pub ones , easy to drink more than you realise........ but learn the lesson .... drink lowers the inhibitions big time !

there ARE some very good counsellors out there and if it is something that you feel will benefit you as a couple ( having an unbiased third party present) then go for it.

I wish you and your family the very best .

If I was your friend I couldn't stay friends with you. However, this isn't because I think you're a bad person, but because if I truly wanted to make my relationship work, or simply just move on I wouldn't want a reminder (ie, you) of what had happened. Leave her be, at least for now.

You screwed up, so did he, shit happens. He got in there first telling his wife his version of events, but then again, he no doubt wants to save his relationship a serious blow, as you do with your's.

It really does sound like copious amounts of alcoholdo not agree with you, you're not the only one. Best way to deal with this to firstly ignore the gossip- they'll all move on to something else soon enough and it's got fuck all to do with the school gate posse anyway. Do not drink to the point of drunk again, and give your DH time to get over this. It must have hurt him, no matter what state you were in at the time.

And above all, forgive yourself. You kissed someone else, you didn't kill them.

Do you know OP, almost everyone at some point in their lives, gets shitfaced and does something really daft.

If my best mate was to get hammered at my house, my drunk husband walked her home, and they ended up snogging, yup, I would be fuming for a while.. but to be honest, if she came to me, talked to me, and apologised, I would end up forgiving it. Likewise my husband.

Why? because I can easily imagine how it happens, and I can also easily imagine myself doing something so twattishly stupid and utterly regretting it the next morning.

Alchohol has a lot to answer for, and the cold light of day makes us realise that.

OP, I think most of us have been in the position where we have done something excruciatingly embarrassing when drunk. I can understand how you must feel but you need to stop torturing yourself.

I agree with SGB that your friends H sounds like a tosser. He has given his version of events to your friend, she will need to believe its all your fault for her marraige to continue as normal, hence the slandering at the school gate. You need to forget about them and get on with fixing your own marriage.

Im not sure that counselling will help but youve booked it so why not go along for the first session and see what comes out of it. It may do your DH some good if he's fixated on the incident as you say.

Its been 6 weeks now and I think you need to be kind with yourself. As others have said its only a kiss, no-one died. There's an old persian proverb 'this too will pass', and it will, your life will get back to normal. Just think to yourself 'this will pass, this will pass' when you are subjected to the school gate gossips. They'll soon move on to someone else.

Im sure you wont be getting pissed again in a hurry but its a sobering thought that if your DH hadnt opened the door you may never have remembered - carried on going to your friends for dinner not knowing you had had this encounter with her H. Im wondering now whether I have ever unwittingly got off with Brad Pitt

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I am going to try to move forward and hope that things will get better. I think it will just take time for me to prove myself. I have been surprised how kind you have all been.

I am reverting to my proper name so won't be posting on this thread again.

Your advice has been so helpful and you have given me a lot to think about. I am usually just an S&B and Chat girl so I keep things quite mellow on mums net. This is the first time I've asked for help and I got it from complete strangers. Well I know some of you.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you all. Long live MN. (sorry for sentimentality will go back to wry cynicism once I am back to me)

All the best SNC - hope it works out for you & try to forgive yourself. As others have said, many (including myself) have gotten drunk & done stupid out of character things. Hopefully you can move past this in time.