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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I kissed DF's DH and my DH saw this. Is there any way forward?

113 replies

ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 21:17

6 weeks ago DH, DC and I were round at my close friend's house. DH left with kids, and I stayed on with DF for a few more drinks. Her DH walked me home. I can't remember anything about the walk home at all. My DH was in bed when I got back, and came downstairs and found me snogging DF's DH at the back door.

I don't have any excuse for this at all. I don't know what happened as I was a drunken idiot. All I can tell you is I have been with DH for 12 years and have never done anything like this before.

I love DH dearly who has behaved with great dignity considering the circumstances. We are going to counselling and want to work through this and I pray that over time he will believe that I do love him through my actions.

DF's DH told her what happened. She is very angry and won't speak to me. I don't blame her. She has told the other Mums at school and I am being shunned. It is difficult as my DS is close friends with her DS but they don't see each other anymore.

I don't expect any sympathy for what I have done. I know I am in this for the long haul and things are not going to get easier anytime soon. I wanted to ask if anyone has been through a similar experience and managed to co exist with a friend who you have hurt deeply in a small village. I am worried that we will have to move and that will really hurt my DH as he loves our house and where we live.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I haven't told anyone about this. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 22:04

Not sure why he told his wife. Maybe he was worried my DH would, or maybe he guessed that my DH doesn't want me to ever see him again which would mean no more trips round after school with the dc. Or yes maybe he wants his version in.

Topknob will check my settings, am on iPhone at min, will go downstairs.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 08/05/2012 22:06

you apologize profoundly to your pal and your dh
and it's up to them to determine whether they accept apology
and lay off the alcohol if you can't stop being impulsive and stupid
the other mums will have long memories,you'll always be the drunken lush who snogged pal husband - dont expect you'll et too many party invites or coffee mornings

Mantilla · 08/05/2012 22:10

This sounds really dodgy to me. I've been smashed out of my skull and snogged inadvisable people but never someone I didn't even fancy or find attractive.

The fact he walked you home, the fact he told his wife immediately (getting in there first?) - to be honest it makes me wonder what he said to you, what the situation was, what he would have done if your Dh had been asleep...

OP, does your Dh say you were kissing this guy back? participating enthusiastically?

topknob · 08/05/2012 22:13

I have sent you a message :) x

bekspolo · 08/05/2012 22:16

I'm afraid your friendship with your friend won't ever be the same again, well that's how it felt to me.

A good friend of mine slept with my sons father 4 weeks after we split.

I've forgiven her, but we don't see each other anymore. It may have been just a kiss but infidelity is different to each person.

Christ knows why your friend wished to gossip about it. Last thing I would have wanted is the entire village talking about it!

Good luck!

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 22:18

Mantilla- I was kissing back enthusiastically, DH said.

Topknob- thanks for pm.

I will never drink like that again.

OP posts:
Mantilla · 08/05/2012 22:21

Aw bugger, sorry to hear. If it means you make a change with your drinking that's one positive. I stopped getting drunk some years ago after snogging a guy who had a girlfriend and it really shook me.

I wish I had some advice about the school mums etc, I hope things work out ok.

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2012 22:21

I'm surprised if you were that drunk your friend let you leave. I don't know how you were able to walk.

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 22:26

My friend was completely drunk as well. She texted me the next morning to say she couldn't remember me leaving (this was before her DH told her what had happened)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 08/05/2012 22:27

now you have to focus on repair and reconciliation with your dh
understandably he will be hurt
your friend I imagine she will cease contact
you need to learn and reflect

LowFlyingBirds · 08/05/2012 22:28

Mantilla, why are you 'sorry to hear' that op was an enthusiastic participant?
Would it really be better if, as seems to be heavily hinted at, op had been spiked and/ or assaulted? So all trumps personal responsibility?

You sound very sensible op, bar the obvious! All you can do is apologise and let others respond as they feel fit. Hope it all works out.

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 22:29

You are right scottishmummy. This is a real wake up call for me. I could have lost my DH and I have damaged my family.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 08/05/2012 22:33

focus in your marriage and reconciliation
it's a dark time, you'll both need strength

WasabiTillyMinto · 08/05/2012 22:36

i dont think it means anything other than you were really drunk. i find drink affects me ready extremely before my period starts.

actually DP snogged a vague friend when we were all off our heads in our younger days. well i was passed out.

i was really embarassed and angry at the time but looking back it was not a big deal. she tried to apologize to me & i didnt want to hear it. we lost touch for other reasons, but if i saw her now, i dont think i would even remember it. i would just catch up with her.

of course it was massively helped by the fact i am loads more attractive than her so DP was obviously off his head

scottishmummy · 08/05/2012 22:40

that's a huge understatement
to the dh it might be v big deal. and its that the op has to deal with the strain on the relationship,how her dh feels

it's not enough to say, got drunk hey ho
that does minimise the impact on the dh

however, I do hope she reflects
I hope they can both make reconciliation

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 22:43

I am actually glad that DH came down when he did so it couldn't have gone any further. Or would I have come to my senses and realised what I was doing? I hope so, surely. I am not a religious person at all but I keep thinking about my vows.

OP posts:
Mantilla · 08/05/2012 22:44

lowFlying no, you're right, of course it's better it was consensual and she was a willing participant. But the scenario is surprising to me (with my vast experience of inadvisable drunken stuff, but just my experiences), and I suppose I was trying to make sense of it because it sounds just odd.

I think the other guy's wife should be angry at him too; I bet he told her that the OP threw herself at him etc.

WasabiTillyMinto · 08/05/2012 22:47

scottish - i wasnt telling anyone else how to feel or act. i was talking about my own experience with the perspective of 10 years distance.

Mantilla · 08/05/2012 22:48

OP, from a personal perspective, my mum is/was unmedicated bipolar and during one of her manic grandiose episodes she came on to the dad of my best friend. We also lived in a small village. I was 10.

It was pretty bad but mostly because people were so unsubtle about talking about it around me, asking me 'subtle' questions etc. My mum wanted to move, my dad refused as we were settled in schools etc.

It did eventually blow over.

Dozer · 08/05/2012 23:00

I think he engineered it, and that it's quite sinister.

A few times when was binge-drinking way too much when a student I had experiences that i literally had no memory of afterwards, including a (luckily chivalrous) male aquaintance bringing me home twice, letting me into the house with my key and waking my housemate to tell them to put me to bed. He later told me I'd talked to him, fairly normally, through a 30 minute bus journey, before suddenly staggering when I got off and looking disorientated.

Also agree that boozing with hormones / empty stomach can lead to way beyond drunkenness.

Not wise to drink so much, but not your fault that this (at best) sordid tosser took advantage.

Dozer · 08/05/2012 23:02

What did your DH say about the other man's level of drunkenness? Bet he wasn't drunk, or at least not very.

I think you were lucky he came down.

scottishmummy · 08/05/2012 23:03

rubbish.do read the op account
would you be so minded of a man kissing a woman, would that too be a trap
I'm not sure why you're so keen to interject a sinister interpretation

it's as ordinary as op got drunk,impaired judgement, reckless actions. she takes responsibility - that doesn't absolve her but it's her explanation

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 23:07

My DH didn't mention the other man's drunkenness. The other H is one of those guys that drinks a lot but doesn't ever seem leg less or do embarrassing things.

It's just that I won't ever know what really happened. I have my suspicions but by the sound of it I was a willing participant.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 08/05/2012 23:09

Not your finest moment but you have apologised.

I would write one last email/letter saying how profoundly sorry you are and that it is something that you will regret forever. Tell her you understand that you will now never be friends and that this is something that upsets you greatly. You then have to break all contact unfortunately.

Do whatever it takes with your husband and you both perhaps need to explore ways to make your Married life less humdrum and more interesting.

Ignore what other people think. Today's news is tomorrows chip paper as they say.

Drink is a demon to people who can't handle it. Learn from this!

Dozer · 08/05/2012 23:11

Scottishmummy, i have read the OP and whole thread and have a different view Sad.

I saw (single) friends enthusiastically snog people they were in no way attracted to, as a result of drink. The difference is, this was in public, and we always had an arrangement not to let people leave with anyone. I also saw, many, many times, sober / fairly sober men looking for drunk women to get off with. Consent isn't black and white.