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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I kissed DF's DH and my DH saw this. Is there any way forward?

113 replies

ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 21:17

6 weeks ago DH, DC and I were round at my close friend's house. DH left with kids, and I stayed on with DF for a few more drinks. Her DH walked me home. I can't remember anything about the walk home at all. My DH was in bed when I got back, and came downstairs and found me snogging DF's DH at the back door.

I don't have any excuse for this at all. I don't know what happened as I was a drunken idiot. All I can tell you is I have been with DH for 12 years and have never done anything like this before.

I love DH dearly who has behaved with great dignity considering the circumstances. We are going to counselling and want to work through this and I pray that over time he will believe that I do love him through my actions.

DF's DH told her what happened. She is very angry and won't speak to me. I don't blame her. She has told the other Mums at school and I am being shunned. It is difficult as my DS is close friends with her DS but they don't see each other anymore.

I don't expect any sympathy for what I have done. I know I am in this for the long haul and things are not going to get easier anytime soon. I wanted to ask if anyone has been through a similar experience and managed to co exist with a friend who you have hurt deeply in a small village. I am worried that we will have to move and that will really hurt my DH as he loves our house and where we live.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I haven't told anyone about this. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 21:59

I'm just commenting on the ins and outs of it really, nowt else. Like I said, it's not first-degree murder....

Bluebelly · 09/05/2012 22:07

True, LowFlyingBirds, my suggestion that op's friend 'blamed' her for situation was ambiguous. I accept that neither op nor we know the situation between op's friend and friends DH. However, I was referring to the fact that op's friend has not even spoken to her about the incident! Surely it's harsh treatment from the friend to ignore op without even listening to her version of the events.

And sorry, op (ShamefulNameChanger way too long and difficult to shorten!) for my post which refers to you as though you are not in the room!

EightiesChick · 09/05/2012 22:09

Is there anything you've overlooked that could have affected your reaction to alcohol that night? You weren't on antibiotics or painkillers or something? How muany drinks did you actually have?

OP, I think you have had a rough time over this and I genuinely feel sympathy for you and how you are being treated by the other couple. That isn't making excuses for you - it is just saying that it seems to have to come down to being all your fault. Did everyone else drink as much as you? There but for the grace... go they - it could have been your DH and your friend.

LowFlyingBirds · 09/05/2012 22:12

Fair enough bluebelly.
I think though that if my friend and husband were caught snogging each other i'd bloody well have the right to react in any way that suited me. I'd certainly not feel i owed either the chance to explain themselves if that wadnt what i actively wanted.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 22:15

grace of god...blah blah
no
op got intoxicated.she's taken responsibility for her short comings
does it mean rest of us could, would get intoxicated and do this no
if you want to put yourself in the coulda been me, well feel free
don't generalize your platitudes to include others though

SimoneD · 09/05/2012 22:18

Fair enough about the spiking OP. I just cant imagine being so destroyed that Id snog my mates husband and not even remember anything at all about it or the moment my own husband caught me at it, and believe me Ive had some mammoth sessions in my time still do

Cant understand how counselling would help since you cant remember a single thing about the incident. Sounds like you need to stop drinking though.

Having to move away sounds very extreme. I doubt your friendship will ever recover but im sure the gossip will fade really quickly and things will get back to some normality at the school gates etc

Hope you and your DH work things out

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 09/05/2012 22:24

Started with g and t's at six. Had about four large ones. Wasn't hungry so just picked at dinner and drank white wine. Not sure how much, big glasses. I did throw up on and off for three days after but not sure how much of this was alcohol poisoning and how much because I felt sick about what had happened.

OP posts:
SimoneD · 09/05/2012 22:28

Just a thought about this comment OP There's no way my drink was spiked. They are decent people

IME decent people dont get off with their wife's best mate outside the mates house while her husband is inside. I dont care how much he had to drink, thats just not a situation that any decent person would put themselves in.

LowFlyingBirds · 09/05/2012 22:29

Well then you are also saying that op cant possibly be a decent person and id say that based on her posts is clear that she is

Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 22:34

Yes OP I second the advice about laying off the heavy hooch. Stick with low-alcohol stuff like beer and cider if you want to enjoy a drink.

I think it's definitely true to say that there's equal blame on both sides however my own instinct wrt this incident is that the man was pursuing an opportunity. I could be completely wrong, merely expressing an opinion.

Hope things have calmed down since OP.

Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 22:36

Wine and gin.... no. Probably a combo of this and nerves had you puking.

SimoneD · 09/05/2012 22:38

Im basing that comment on the fact that the OP was paraletic to the point that she remembers nothing about the walk home or subsequent events, ie virtually unconscious.
Im doubting the bloke was in the same state on the basis that he walked her home, if he was in the same state as her they probably wouldnt have got home.
Lots of suppositions I know but I imagine that the mates DH saw an opportunity to have a bit of a grope with a v drunken woman and used it to his advantage. He obviously remembers everything as he managed to get home and tell his wife (though what he told her is anyones guess)
Im not saying the OP is blameless, she may become a raging nympho after a few wines, who knows. But she has said that nothing like this has ever happened before so putting my Judge Judy head on I would go with the above scenario

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 09/05/2012 22:40

Simone I have to agree with low flying. What kind of wife and mother snogs her friend's husband at her back door with her family upstairs? Only a complete lowlife. Note I am not looking for sympathy here. It is just the facts are not good.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 22:43

Agree with you SimoneD.

SNC what has your DH said to you to date?

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 22:44

so you prefer your account over the op account
favouring the opportunistic pal and perhaps spiked drink
do you really think in a regular suburban setting the opportunistic man thinks wahey and gets op drunk to cop a feel

that's a big bit far fetched

Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 22:48

Are you addressing me?
I doubt the drink was spiked. What the op has said she drank would undoubtedly produce shit-facedness.. in me anyway.
I wouldn't quite say anyone 'got her drunk' but my gut feeling without having been there is that he saw and took an opportunity.

Far-fetched?? It's hardly the first time something like that's happened especially in suburbia, and it won't be the last I'm sure!

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 09/05/2012 22:50

For the first week he was really angry and upset. Then he said he wanted to work through this. I suggested counselling, have only just got him to agree to fix a time for the first session. He really tries to avoid talking about it but I am worried that if we don't it will fester. He was really angry last weekend when he saw df's DH at a kids birthday party. Because he works away he doesn't see them on school runs. He knows I can drink too much sometimes and he is also confused at my choice. It's been really hard for him because he actually saw it and he says he can't stop seeing it.

OP posts:
LunarRose · 09/05/2012 22:51

Stop beating yourself up. Drunken accident. Sort things out with your DH.
Forgive yourself.

Charm offensive at the school gates. anyone asks have some stick response in hand "not my finest hour I don't really remember what happen and fairly horrific for all concerned but my and DH are working through it. My marriage is important", chances are they won't but you feeling guilty is going to give off negative vibes to those around you. You need their support right now.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 22:53

at least op accepts responsibility and short coming shes not seeking to apportion responsibility elsewhere

unlike the conspiracy theorists

and no i dont think suburbia is full of opportunistic men waiting to cop a feel with drunk pal. this is intoxicated,plus poor judgment

clearly, some of you have other ideas

solidgoldbrass · 09/05/2012 22:53

OP: my mum once got shitfaced drunk on a few friendly gins with the neighbours. She was 68 at the time and reckons it was only the fourth time she ever got that pissed. OK, she didn't snog anyone but my brother had to help her to bed. Basically, people pour drinks in their own homes that are generally stronger than drinks in pubs/bars/restaurants, so if you have three 'drinks' in a private house that could be the equivalent of eight or nine pub measures, which could explain why you got a lot more drunk than you expected.

More importantly, though, your friend's H is a bit of a prick. Either he's an opportunist who likes copping a feel off drunken woman, or he fancies a position on the moral high ground and that's why he's making such a big deal about the fact that you and he had a bit of a drunken face-slobber. Because he seems to be the one who is making the most noise out of what is actually a very very minor incident.

And I do second whoever said: skip the counselling or you will end up paying a lot of money to be patronized and bullied by some monogamist plonker whose main agenda is likely to be to keep you coming back each week. If your own H is a decent bloke who knows, loves and trusts you he should be able to accept this minor incident and move on without weeks of 'therapy'.

EightiesChick · 09/05/2012 22:58

scottishmummy no, I don't want to put myself in the 'coulda woulda shoulda' camp and nor am I putting you there. I said 'there but.. applied to the other people there if they were all drinking as much as the OP. You are so keen to keep picking at the 'conspiracy theorists' that you have stopped actually reading what people post. So there's generalising going on all round...

Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 23:03

I agree with SGB, I don't know why you'd be getting counselling about this. You probably do need to look at your drinking though. Maybe if you committed to your DH that you'll do something about it?

SM I've said (a few times now) that they are both equally to blame in the snog. That does not preclude me instinctively feeling (while accepting that I could be wrong) that he took an opportunity. Conspiracy theory? Really?!

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 23:03

why don't you read what op posted
she's clear no spiked drink
attributes this to poor Judgement and intoxicated

fallenpetal · 09/05/2012 23:04

With regard to your friend - she isnt one any longer, the play ground gossip is very common and mostly blows over pretty quick. Dont engage anyone unless you really have to, just turn up collect and leave head held high. You have apologised you can do no more and really once you have apologised you have nothing to be ashamed of week after week. It was a mistake, you didnt kill anyone and you were not the only person involved - you dont have to keep paying for it in that manner and do not deserve to be ridiculed continually.

If you feel very uncomfortable maybe take a family member along to distract you, read a magazine or be on your phone whilst waiting. Remember its no one elses bloody business, they have no right to judge you so rise above it. They will so tire of her moaning about you.

I hope you can work it through with your husband, I guess he is hurting very badly, I know I would be. I hope he can rise above it too and realise you didnt mean to intentionally hurt him. Good luck OP I feel very sorry for you and wish I could be more constructive x

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 23:06

I couldn't remain pals if kissed my dp
best kept cool and cordial
and yes like all salacious goss it will pass