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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I kissed DF's DH and my DH saw this. Is there any way forward?

113 replies

ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 21:17

6 weeks ago DH, DC and I were round at my close friend's house. DH left with kids, and I stayed on with DF for a few more drinks. Her DH walked me home. I can't remember anything about the walk home at all. My DH was in bed when I got back, and came downstairs and found me snogging DF's DH at the back door.

I don't have any excuse for this at all. I don't know what happened as I was a drunken idiot. All I can tell you is I have been with DH for 12 years and have never done anything like this before.

I love DH dearly who has behaved with great dignity considering the circumstances. We are going to counselling and want to work through this and I pray that over time he will believe that I do love him through my actions.

DF's DH told her what happened. She is very angry and won't speak to me. I don't blame her. She has told the other Mums at school and I am being shunned. It is difficult as my DS is close friends with her DS but they don't see each other anymore.

I don't expect any sympathy for what I have done. I know I am in this for the long haul and things are not going to get easier anytime soon. I wanted to ask if anyone has been through a similar experience and managed to co exist with a friend who you have hurt deeply in a small village. I am worried that we will have to move and that will really hurt my DH as he loves our house and where we live.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I haven't told anyone about this. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 08/05/2012 23:11

But at the very least it takes two to tango. I do feel the other party here seems to have got off lightly. I can see how it's easier for the friend to blame drunken friend as opposed to her own husband but it's still unfair she is the one being whispered about (who says we don't have sexist double standards anymore, eh?)

I also wonder why she would tell everyone. It's something many people would be minded to keep quiet. It does suggest to me that this isn't the only time her husband has done something like this - i.e. she is desperate to get the story out that puts you in the wrong, rather than it emerging that he's been a sleazebag again.

It's a shame for your sons. Maybe you can appeal to her a bit further down the line on those grounds to at least be civil and let the boys spend time together.

scottishmummy · 08/05/2012 23:15

would the sinister interpretation apply if op male,kissed woman. would female be suspected of being a chancer
or is it an assumption of female vulnerability and male opportunism?

iloveACK · 08/05/2012 23:19

I'm with maleview. I would also say try not to beat yourself up too much.

Hope you & your family can recover from this. Fwiw, I don't think much of your friends husband. Sad

Helltotheno · 08/05/2012 23:22

It's immaterial really. Everything depends on the context doesn't it. In this case, the man was driving it more.

Anyway do remember OP that it's not the end of the world no matter what. If your friend has been dragging your name in the mud, I wouldn't bother grovelling to her at all. Your DH is the main concern.

Proudnscary · 08/05/2012 23:23

Putting aside the fact I find it pretty unbelievable that this bloke told his wife and that she wants to broadcast the fact

If you are a generally an alright, likeable person (and not someone who starts coming on to other women's husbands as soon as you get a drink down you) then just be upfront with the village shunners. You feel utterly shit, you fucked up, you are ashamed, you don't blame friend for cutting you off.

Re dh, he sounds like a fair and reasonable bloke who loves you and you are both doing all the right things.

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 08/05/2012 23:27

Hell I agree that I need to focus on my family. But I am not sure that my name is being dragged in the mud. Well it is but that would imply that there is no basis for it, whereas the facts are that I snogged her DH so if she tells people that, and they avoid me, then I just have to suck it up. She is a good person.

OP posts:
GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 08/05/2012 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heyelp · 09/05/2012 09:35

It's a drunken kiss. Nobody died. Take a deep breath. Love your husband. Move forwards.

Ignore people with nothing more interesting in their lives to worry about.

Believe me.....there are far more important things in life to worry about.

Xxx

fiventhree · 09/05/2012 10:09

I would write to her, I think.

HereIGo · 09/05/2012 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 09/05/2012 13:51

Thanks for good advice HereIGo. I just don't think I can say for sure he made the pass. I also could have said No. Am worried that if I start to speculate he will come back at me with more stuff which I can't deny because DH knows I don't know. Not sure if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 20:11

frankly you need to consider the friendship irrevocably damaged
too much potential for hurt and recriminations. you and pal can never have an easy rapport again.and you and her dp,well that's just a no go
you need to focus on your marriage and reconciliation with dh

Bluebelly · 09/05/2012 20:36

I've read the advice and it all seems really helpful and positive. I've nothing to add except that you seem such a thoroughly good person. You've been humble about your mistake, you've refused to speculate about the friend's DH, you've been as honest as you can be with your DH. What more can anyone want?!

I think it's no wonder that your DH wants to put this behind you both - you sound like you're worth hanging on to. (I think your friend sounds rather defensive to blame you - how can she even think she has the full story unless she has spoken to you!)

I think you're wonderful - try not to let this overwhelm you. Good luck. x

Adayforthinking · 09/05/2012 20:53

Alcohol is terrible. I can safely say that I kissed many guys in my drunken youth that I didn't fancy AT ALL! And I always knew what I was doing because I never got drunk enough to not remember, but goodness knows what I would have done if I had drunk more!

It's a very unfortunate incident but I really hope that your DH and your friend can see it as a drunken kiss and eventually move past it.

SimoneD · 09/05/2012 20:56

OP, have you had blackouts before? Did you drink sufficiently to get in this state? Have you considered that your drink could have been spiked?

Even if you were in a really bad state you would surely remember the reaction of your husband opening the door to you snogging someone. The fact that you remember absolutely nothing could suggest you have been spiked. Its alot more common than you think. I know 5 people this has happened to. They have no memory of quite horrendous experiences and were horrified when they were related back to them.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/05/2012 21:05

Helltotheno
"In this case, the man was driving it more."

That is just an assumption that you and several other posters have made.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 21:06

really it's better to take responsibility than seek conspiracy theory
how likely is a friends dh in ordinary suburban setting to spike drink, to secure a drunk snog

im not convinced by this must be female vulnerability and male opportunism
maybe more like op tells it, intoxicated, poor judgement

LowFlyingBirds · 09/05/2012 21:16

Bluebelly - " (I think your friend sounds rather defensive to blame you - how can she even think she has the full story unless she has spoken to you!)"

Why not just stick to the facts? Op has not said the friend blames her for the incident. She does say she doesnt know what the current situation is with the friend and dh. For all we know she is equally angry with both.

Weird thread... Or rather weird responses to what seems to be a really decent person in a crappy situation. I dont get this desire people have to feed excuses when even op doesnt need or want them.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 21:26

some people love a conspiracy

Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 21:39

That is just an assumption that you and several other posters have made.

... on the basis of what the op said, yes. Did you read all her posts?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/05/2012 21:43

yes, that she can't remember and doesn't know whether he has form for this sort of thing.

but if it makes you happy to try and absolve her of all blame then carry on.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2012 21:48

if op accepts responsibility I don't see why others seek conspiracy or sinister reason to absolve her of responsibility

Helltotheno · 09/05/2012 21:52

From the op:

From the OP:

I do suspect he made the move and in retrospect I think he might have liked me that way. He phoned me five times after.

I'm not trying to absolve anyone from blame actually. Since the incident isn't seismic in the scheme of things, I'm just advocating the 'let's all move on' approach.

Original poster
ShamefulNameChanger · 09/05/2012 21:53

There's no way my drink was spiked. They are decent people, and there was little room for planning. I have probably had about four blackouts in twenty odd years of drinking. Last one before this was when I was engaged to DH and a taxi driver phoned him to say there was a drunken lush in the back seat who couldn't remember where she lived. Blush That was 11 years ago and I promised him I would stop the bingeing which I did until that night.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 09/05/2012 21:54

from your quote

"I do suspect"

she doesn't know

as as scottishmummy says
"if op accepts responsibility I don't see why others seek conspiracy or sinister reason to absolve her of responsibility"