sex while asleep

[silver999]

my partner woke me up by having sex with me, I was really shocked at what was happening and not sure what to do or think about what has happened.
I told my friend but she just laughed about it, any advice? thanks.

wb - despite your admirable and fictitious version of a scenario in which stranguation during sex could be previously discussed and consensual: "I told him to silence me," all you have actually done is taken garlic's account, thrown away all the indicators that is was a horrible experience, and made up a fantasy around it.

I've got a feeling you are very determined to view the scenario as a lovely Mills and Boon story and I'm onto a loser here, but try reading it again, not ignoring the bits you don't like this time:

"During sex he puts his hands round your throat. You don't like it much but decide to go with the flow. He squeezes. "Mmph!" you go, prying at his hands. He carries on squeezing and pumps away, too hard.

You survive. He's very happy. You're shaken, and sore at both ends. What happened?"

And I think it dilutes the message you are trying to send - there is a huge difference between a consensual act that has been discussed and rape.

I should know.

Oh for flip's sake, I was trying to illustrate that adding to the scenario when reading it can be done in both directions and that making assumptions can be wrong.

Those are not facts, that's your rape fantasy.

Nowt wrong with rape fantasies because they are just that: fantasies, and the person having them is ultimately in control. Bit tasteless to post them on a thread about actual rape and sexual assault though. MORE than a bit tasteless actually and completely irrelevant to the OP's situation.

It's not about you.

timetochange - if you both enjoy bondage and it's consensual, more power to your arm. If anyone enjoys anything at all in the bedroom and it's consensual, that's fine. But if your husband decided to tie you up, put duct tape over your mouth and screw you without you saying it was OK then that would be rape.

The thing that WB does not seem to understand, and has deliberately (?) ignored time and time again is that the wishes and view of the complainant are central.

Yes, it is ok to engage in any sort of kinky, 'removal of consent' role play, so long as both parties are happy with it. This is great if the parties have explicitly agreed the boundaries before hand. If the boundaries are not agreed, then the person carrying out the act is taking a big risk- a gamble as to their partner's consent. Great, if it pays off and both parties are happy. Not great, if one of the parties is not happy. Taking that gamble when one of the parties is in no position to indicate that they are happy increases that risk exponentially. If take a big risk, you can't always be expected to be insulated from the consequences of that risk.

I just dont think every case of sex initiated while sleeping can be called rape. Nor do I think telling people that something they want, have talked about and like is rape is helpful.

who has said this?

Its NOT a rape fantasy!!! Its a political sex fantasy . she told him to silence her because she wants it so much.. god even in that you are trying to prove its a rape! I give up I honestly do.

Quite crucial - which I note you ignored in a rush to 'prove' rape in a story was the line 'I wanted it but could not be seen to want it'

I think the OP has not been on this thread for an incredibly long time and it has certainly moved away from being helpful. I appreciate I may have been part of that bunfight, and for that OP I apologise.

I do think it is incredibly useful to use analagous situations. In this recent short one its the perfect example, even within a story specifically placed to illustrate consensual sex that some people I have criticised for seeing rape when there may not be rape have seen rape even when there is a specific line about consent.

nutella of course it would - I don't really get your point.

Plenty it is said over and over on this thread that consent cannot be given while sleeping - therefore every instance of sex initiated while sleeping is rape.

Are you illustrating the logic, or saying that sex initiated in sleep is always rape?

That is not the legal definition. If you use that definition I have been a rapist for 20 years.

It's also been said over and over that if it's something you and your partner have properly discussed beforehand and are both happy with then there's no problem.

What has that got to do with the OP's situation?

plenty are you reading a different thread to me - according to numerous posts on this thread - prior consent cannot be given.

It's an empirical argument - some posters find the idea abhorrent - others don't. Posters who do enjoy it (and their partners do) are basically being called rapists.

This is a seriously distasteful thread from a number of points.

Haven't read all the replies - just wanted to say to the OP if she is still reading - YES it was rape if he didn't seek your consent first. You may well be feeling a wide rang of horrible emotions now including guilt, self doubt and worthlessness (I've been there) and I just want to tell you it does get better. I really hope you can work through this, either with or without your partner. Keep reminding yourself that you have not done anything wrong, it's important.

I was talking about garlic's scenario and your lengthy denial that it was an attack wb.

Is sleep initiated in sleep always rape? What Plenty said. If you and your husband are both happy with your sex lives, you start snuggling in the night, wake up and have sex, yay! If you're out stone cold, and wake up to find your partner pumping away when you didn't want it, not yay! It's really not that complicated.

Safmellow She is actually a he.

does appreciate

That will teach me to skim/presume! Thanks both I will read the thread properly. I guess my advice to him will be the same.

But WB she tried to call out and pull his hands off. That was resistance, that was a clear message of non-consent. She was unable to verbalise the lack of consent in a sententce as she was being strangled, but it was still clearly communicated physically and by trying to call out.

How about we don't start from a position of presuming women or men are in a continuous state of consent unless they say 'no'?

How about we look for a clear 'yes' or continuous enthusiastic participation from our partners?*

That way, people like the OP who are too shocked to stop what's happening, or too frightened, or being strangled or unconscious ... are still protected.

*if you want to RP or engage in BDSM activities or anything else that might not look like continuous enthusiastic participation but actually is, you'd better be very sure of your partner's wishes beforehand and have some sort of mechanism for withdrawal of consent at any point, otherwise you're taking a massive risk.