Is he jerking my chain or is it me?

[Moreshoesthanimeldamarcos]

Have name-changed for this.

Basically I've been seeing a guy for 7 months. I'm divorced and he's properly separated (I know this to be true). He is the first bloke I've been out with since my divorce a year ago. He'd been dating for a while and started sooner than me. We're the same age with grown DC's and live about an hour apart.
So. In the beginning it was exciting and romantic and he treated me like I was the best thing ever. Charming, generous and so on, bowled me over in fact, even though I doubted anyone can be THAT great. He fell in love quite quickly, I followed soon after and he's been spending time with me doing all kinds of stuff so I haven't been a booty call in any (obvious) way.

I have lots of RL mates and a good career, I'm independent financially and I love to go out and socialise. He is currently out of work and self employed, it bothers him, and he doesn't have friends because he wanted to be a family man. He comes along with me when I go out but it's most often me who suggests what we do and tbh if I didnt' do that I think we'd spend all weekend indoors.

I feel like I've taken most of the responsibility for the relationship. He never makes plans ahead of time (and i'm talking days, literally) but he always likes to know where I am and what I'm doing. Despite what he says about being committed to me and a future together his calls and texts have simply tailed off in the last few days and I've got to the point where I'm pissed off with making the first move and asking if he's coming down even though he'll probably say yes. I often feel like I'm being controlled even though I can't quite put my finger on how, but I do feel that way. He's also told me he hates arguments which kind of paralyses my wish to assert myself because he isn't actually doing anything WRONG as such.

What do you wise women (and men, if there are any here who aren't watching football) think?

I think you should read the red flags thread.

he doesn't have friends because he wanted to be a family man
everyone should have (some) friends and that sounds like an excuse.
Has he made any since the break up?

he always likes to know where I am and what I'm doing
controlling much?

Plus falling in love too soon, and making you chas him...

Don't make the first move. See how long it takes. No friends? None?

I think its a rubbish relationship which is frustrating you and bringing you nothing. I think he is a controlling bore with no job and no friends. I think you haven't brought anything to the table that you can't walk away from.

The family man thing sounds deeply odd, WTF?!

You can of course assert yourself without it being an argument; you can calmly state your point of view and then have a discussion from there. If he's suggesting even that would be 'too much' then what kind of relationship is he hoping to have with anyone ever?

Why does he want to know where you are all the time?

Thanks. He says he has mates from years ago who he could but doesn't see. He has one colleague/friend in the same profession but they don't socialise so much as help each other out professionally.
When they were married he and his then DW used to work together, he was at home most of the time as he earned his money at weekends and I think she was more sociable than he.

I don't know why he wants to know where I am, and he does it so casually it sounds like he's just interested. There's no interrogation as such which is why it's so hard to tell, but he does know an awful lot about me now. I don't know, this sounds so silly but when we Skype he likes me to go offline before him and he once phoned me because he said i'd come online even though I wasn't. It's that kind of thing. I leave my phone around and I'm pretty sure he reads my texts etc.

Yes, I think he'd laugh and say I've got 'issues' if I brought it up. He does have some pretty 'traditional' views about women and i think he'd make this about me.

oh have just started the red flag thread. Does turning up unexpectedly count, turning up and coming up the stairs so quietly I didn't hear him until he walked into the room where I was on MN?

Oh god that last post made me shiver.

You sound fab, as though you've got an awful lot going for you. He sounds as though he's got nothing going for him - no personality, no interests, nothing.

Dump him and don't you dare say, "It's not you, it's me!"

Reading your texts is disgraceful. Wanting to know where you are all the time is awful too; don't you have a right to any privacy?

Does he have a key to your house?

I've been with dh for 17 years and there is no way he would read my texts or sneak on me. Sounds like he is trying to catch you out. I think you know this is odd, take a step back.

sneak up on me...

Yes he has a key.
And I still haven't heard a word from him.

change the locks

That is not a joke.

he always likes to know where I am and what I'm doing.
he doesn't have friends because he wanted to be a family man

DANGER DANGER DANGER

I'd be very interested to hear what his wife had to say.

And YES to changing the locks.

These are seriously bad signs.

I think he's working on the script of how he finds it hard to trust people and how he wants to trust you but you have to help him by making outrageous allowances for him - like going offline on Skype before him, Jesus! Does this mean you shouldn't chat to anyone else? And the sneaking up thing is definitely wanting to put you on the back foot by finding you doing something (anything) that he can manipulate into being 'hurt' by you.

Please do tell what his traditional views are ... should women have no male friends, for example?

I would definitely start off by getting a chain for your door, if changing the locks seems too extreme. And I wouldn't phone him for a while, take some time for yourself. I think the feeling of paralysis you mention in your first post is very relevant.

You've only been seeing him for 7 months and he doesn't make you happy.

You can't trust him.

And all the other red flags for controlling behaviour...

OK I've had to get a glass of wine. I have been worried that I've been getting paranoid and I'm still concerned that I'm making a mountain?.

He is lovely when we're together but I feel exhausted by the intensity - is that a red flag too?

Also his view of women isn't positive - he makes comments about overweight women, 'ugly' women, lesbian women, 'moody' women??

I am none of those - the thing is I am strong, confident, attractive etc and I am slim. He likes to see me eat and i've taken to eating foods which aren't good?.he cooks for me a lot?.

He has been lovely with my friends and I think they'd be surprised to hear these things?. once at a party he met a friend of my ex's who I don't like. He told me he'd said that he came to see me because I'm a great shag. When I reacted he said he hadn't really but it would have given my ex (who had an affair) something to think about. Well?

Shit I feel afraid that he'll just turn up tonight and find me on here talking about him. If I'm wrong I am being so disrespectful.

Written down, can you see how 'exhausted by the intensity' could never be a positive if it's all the time?

He makes comments about women who 'displease' him so you know what you have to do to 'please' him. I suspect you're worried about raising any concerns with him because you'll be labelled 'moody'.

Why are you eating food which isn't good? Are you not allowed to cook what you like, or is that being moody too?

He's clearly disrespecting you, perhaps testing for boundaries. All in all it sounds like a hell of a lot of work compared to a straightforward single life with wine, fun and friends.

"He does have some pretty 'traditional' views about women"

"Also his view of women isn't positive - he makes comments about overweight women, 'ugly' women, lesbian women, 'moody' women??"

Get rid. He's an arse.

Oh, and then change the locks.

x-posts - wrong about what? You haven't stated anything here that isn't either a fact or your opinion.

B&Q doesn't shut til about 8, grab yourself a deadbolt for the inside of the door so you feel secure. Or if it's pvc, lock from the inside and leave the key in.

If he was good for you, you wouldn't be asking on here!

You have nothing to lose to raise some of these issues with him directly.

It would be interesting and useful to see how he reacts.

I think the locks and chains stuff is a bit hysterical.

but do ask some questions...

No I wouldn't and I've been rationalising and making excuses for what I've seen and not liked. I figured that everyone has their darker side (as do I). but now I'm thinking of EVERYTHING that i've been uncomfortable about.

Actually the way he ended his marriage and the grounds on which he did, tells me what I need to know about why the silence today (and yes, he may well be sitting at home thinking I've dumped him because I have broken the usual pattern of contact). I think i've been dumped but he isn't bothered enough to tell me. YOu'll say I've had a lucky escape. I will never know and that's not nice because I know I've been totally upfront and honest all the way.

Maybe i need to buy the Lundy book.