Is he jerking my chain or is it me?

[Moreshoesthanimeldamarcos]

Have name-changed for this.

Basically I've been seeing a guy for 7 months. I'm divorced and he's properly separated (I know this to be true). He is the first bloke I've been out with since my divorce a year ago. He'd been dating for a while and started sooner than me. We're the same age with grown DC's and live about an hour apart.
So. In the beginning it was exciting and romantic and he treated me like I was the best thing ever. Charming, generous and so on, bowled me over in fact, even though I doubted anyone can be THAT great. He fell in love quite quickly, I followed soon after and he's been spending time with me doing all kinds of stuff so I haven't been a booty call in any (obvious) way.

I have lots of RL mates and a good career, I'm independent financially and I love to go out and socialise. He is currently out of work and self employed, it bothers him, and he doesn't have friends because he wanted to be a family man. He comes along with me when I go out but it's most often me who suggests what we do and tbh if I didnt' do that I think we'd spend all weekend indoors.

I feel like I've taken most of the responsibility for the relationship. He never makes plans ahead of time (and i'm talking days, literally) but he always likes to know where I am and what I'm doing. Despite what he says about being committed to me and a future together his calls and texts have simply tailed off in the last few days and I've got to the point where I'm pissed off with making the first move and asking if he's coming down even though he'll probably say yes. I often feel like I'm being controlled even though I can't quite put my finger on how, but I do feel that way. He's also told me he hates arguments which kind of paralyses my wish to assert myself because he isn't actually doing anything WRONG as such.

What do you wise women (and men, if there are any here who aren't watching football) think?

He sounds like a controlling and abusive arse to me and rather than blame yourself for anything you had to do with this man, you should be breathing a huge sigh of relief that you are out of it. You can be forgiven for getting involved with him, (I follow your other thread) you mustn't punish yourself, it's been a learning curve for you. Don't be so hard on yourself

I think this is a good result, but would definitely recommend you get your locks changed this weekend.

I've jsut read through it again and am unclear though. I know you were posting about him in general. What had happened at the time of posting? Was he ignoring you? I can understand your feelings, but can't understand why he has decided at the same time not to contact you.

Do you think he's reading this thread? He must know you're on MN if he's such a sneak.

"well his DD is lovely and he has lovely Ds's. How can he be so bad?"

Saffysmum has said what I was going to- perhaps his ex wife is a lovely person who has managed to impart this to their children, and they somehow realise what a cold blooded manipulative freak this man is.

Thank you for asking questions it's helping me process it and put all the pieced together.

Well at the time of posting i hadn't heard from him at all during the day and he always comes down at the weekend. I had been out the night before when he wasn't coming and he told me he was at home on his own (i got the impression i should have changed my plans and said i'd go to him even though he would have refused, plus i was angry with him by then). I think he didn't like me going out without him, and I never felt like he trusted me at all even though I fell over myself being open and leaving my phone lying around so he could SEE i am a monogamous woman.

So that was a significant change in his actions - no contact and i simply decided that enough was enough on that score. i wanted a show of intention on his part. i didn't get one, at least not the one i wanted. call it passive aggressive but i was VERY fed up.

So late last night after lots of wine i went on the dating site we met on to go back through his messages to me when we first 'met' in a kind of 'wishing it was still that way'. I think he went on it to see if i was on the site and he has decided that he was right not to trust me. hence just cutting me off.

a few weeks ago he asked me casually what nickname i'd use if i was going to go on a forum. i didn't tell him because it felt like he would come here and see if i was here. and yes it's possible he has tried to find me here, and if he has he will know that everything i'm telling you is the truth and i have nothing to hide at all.

i don't have any proof btw that he ever did go through my phone, but i made it available because i figured if he wanted to check he could because like i said - i don't cheat. he used to leave his around too, but i never checked his, i simply don't feel the need.

Its sounds likely that he would of gone through your phone. That sort of bloke always does.

i know. and in answer to a question posed upthread. no, it would appear that a long, long marriage ends when the DW is so unreasonable, never apologises, and has an online friendship with a man which is no secret but she refuses to give up.

As nice as he can be, it would never have worked. i feel like i've been in a whirlwind and a longstanding relationship simultaneously iyswim. it would have got worse. when someone just gives out all these vibes and TELLS you they can always spot a liar, it's a red flag. isn't it?

I fell over myself being open and leaving my phone lying around so he could SEE i am a monogamous woman.

Why did you feel the need to do that, OP? Was it something he insinuated would help him after his DW's apparently horrifying not-secret friendship with a man? Or possibly the aftermath of your DH's infidelity (if I've got that right?) or a combination of both?

However, you defied him by going out on your own - and do heed the wise words above about how that was a step on the road to isolating you. His previous comments reveal a deep-seated belief that women should please men (by being pretty, straight, not 'moody') and when his wife refused to obey him he bundled her straight out of the house and back to her dad's. That's some 'family man' - in the Taliban perhaps! (I am exaggerating for effect, I do not believe OP's ex is a member of the Taliban although a spot of rendition might not go amiss).

I think he went on it to see if i was on the site

Mmm yes, maybe! But as you don't monitor his computer usage in the way he seemed to do to you, don't be too sure that was the first time he'd been back on it.

In any case - I'd let your kids know he's gone. I think you may be surprised by their reactions. Sounds like your dd particularly had reasons not to appreciate him.

Moreshoes.

Just caught up with your recent posts and just wanted to send you some caring thoughts after what you have been going through. So NM turns out to be Sir Twat-ahad instead of Galahad. You had some happy times with him but he's not the keeper you thought he might be. I think you had some doubts a few weeks ago and its great to see that you feel strong enough to trust your own instincts now, and act on them. Where do all these idiots come from? They seem to never grow up, or grow a pair, just bumble along hoping for an easy ride. If he's disappeared up his own arse in a huff, don't be the person to pass him a light to find his way out.

A blooming nightmare emotionally for your at the moment, but best to step away from the git now, than when he can really hurt you.

Can't stop at the moment but just enough time to say I love your 'shoe-name' - from a fellow shoe-lover. Its something I have passed on to my DD although her tastes are more in the red-sole league than mine. I must have done something right when I've been bringing her up!

I think you have had a very lucky escape.

Both, tribpot . i didn't want any reason for him to doubt my fidelity.

and if he had been back on the site for his own reasons then i've even more reason to give myself a huge pat on the back!!!!

i know i don't sound it but i am relieved that i'll get my life back on track.

Well done. You are absolutely doing the right thing. He was punishing you for daring to be independent... Stick with it - you should spot another one of these a mile off.

Good on you, Moreshoes. Mr Ex if you're reading this, you're a twunt

he just text me. he says sorry but he can't face hearing what i've got to say.

there's the hook i should've swam away from before.

Yup, he wants you to want to explain why you were on the dating site. Or perhaps what you were doing on the night out with friends. Either way I think he is pulling the 'pained martyr' trick of how much your behaviour has hurt him and how it would simply be too difficult to have to listen to your attempts to explain yourself. Because, of course, he was hurt so dreadfully before - yadda yadda.

Bollocks to all that, I say. Delete the text and sayonara, baby.

When people who have been involved with unpleasant men post on here, one of the common themes is that they don't have good/any relationship with their exes. Often they don't have close friends either. It's something to be wary of - one awful ex might be expected, but when the rest of humanity isn't enough for them to make a meaningful connection that lasts ...

It seems vanishingly unlikely that you are overreacting or making a mountain out of a molehill, but even if you were it wouldn't matter. You were not happy with the relationship and you were getting irritated by him in ways that you shouldn't be getting irritated after just seven months. It wasn't going to turn into a 'happy ever after' relationship even if he'd been Mr Perfect and ending it was a sensible call.

As he is far, far from being Mr Perfect (in all the ways already outlined) it's an even more sensible decision.

So he removed his ex from their house because she had a harmless communication with a man . . .

Wow! If you weren't sure just how controlling he was then that will tell you! He is quite plainly telling you that if you stayed with him you wouldn't be able to have any sort of friendship with a man! Wow! And judging how he's probably been looking on your phone, tried to get forum usernames out of you, has sneaked into your house, tries to manipulate you into not going out . . . Over time you wouldn't be allowed any friends at all.

You've been very very lucky here. I wish i had seen the signs!

This is where he attempts to reel you in, with his pity party, relying on you feeling guilty and so feeling sorry for him. He is wounded, bless him Don't engage, delete and ignore every message he sends, don't give him the opportunity to worm his way back in, because he will, if given half a chance.

Here comes Saffy with her mantra MrsShoes: IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE! xx

I hope you have a smart pair of running shoes in that collection, Imelda.

All together now: Hills >>>>> that way.

He doesn't want to hear what you've got to say? Fine. Absolutely don't engage at all.

Annie's right - dig out the diamond crusted Nikes Mrs Imelda!

You need to work hard on getting in the mindset of being pro-active, rather than reactive: i.e. you don't even read those stupid messages, or engage in his games. You don't want to say anything....so therefore he hasn't even got the opportunity of listening....geddit?? xx He is desperate to test you and play games. This little boy is out of his league, so don't even waste your broadband on him...

should have read, 'out of his depth', or 'you're out of his league' ... doh.