Is he jerking my chain or is it me?

[Moreshoesthanimeldamarcos]

Have name-changed for this.

Basically I've been seeing a guy for 7 months. I'm divorced and he's properly separated (I know this to be true). He is the first bloke I've been out with since my divorce a year ago. He'd been dating for a while and started sooner than me. We're the same age with grown DC's and live about an hour apart.
So. In the beginning it was exciting and romantic and he treated me like I was the best thing ever. Charming, generous and so on, bowled me over in fact, even though I doubted anyone can be THAT great. He fell in love quite quickly, I followed soon after and he's been spending time with me doing all kinds of stuff so I haven't been a booty call in any (obvious) way.

I have lots of RL mates and a good career, I'm independent financially and I love to go out and socialise. He is currently out of work and self employed, it bothers him, and he doesn't have friends because he wanted to be a family man. He comes along with me when I go out but it's most often me who suggests what we do and tbh if I didnt' do that I think we'd spend all weekend indoors.

I feel like I've taken most of the responsibility for the relationship. He never makes plans ahead of time (and i'm talking days, literally) but he always likes to know where I am and what I'm doing. Despite what he says about being committed to me and a future together his calls and texts have simply tailed off in the last few days and I've got to the point where I'm pissed off with making the first move and asking if he's coming down even though he'll probably say yes. I often feel like I'm being controlled even though I can't quite put my finger on how, but I do feel that way. He's also told me he hates arguments which kind of paralyses my wish to assert myself because he isn't actually doing anything WRONG as such.

What do you wise women (and men, if there are any here who aren't watching football) think?

i will not see myself as the problem. but this is hurting nonetheless. it was lovely to begin with and it helped me get over the awful betrayal of my now ex h

You aren't the problem and, in the grand scheme of things, neither is he. At a time when your ego was on the floor, he came along and gave it one godalmighty lift. Look at it for what it was; it got you through the winter and helped you get over your ex. Job done.

i know i have played my own part

Of course you have. It takes two to tango and you willingly stuck a rose between your teeth because, at a time when you were struggling with being newly single after years of coupledom and all that entails, you needed a diversion. That's why you joined a dating site, isn't it?

I've lost some self respect but it's too late to put it right

It's never too late to regain or re-build self-respect but, in this case, I can't see that you've lost any. Your pride may be a bit dented at having allowed yourself to be swept off your feet and blinded to the truth of what he's about, but no harm has been done to either of you.

You had a good time together - and then you didn't. End of.

that harsh internal voice will do whatever it can to make me blame myself

We've all got one of those voices. On this occasion I suggest that you tell it to shut the fuck up.

he can't face hearing what i've got to say

He doesn't need to hear your dulcet tones gain. All that remans is for you to post his stuff to him with a brief note saying 'Thanks for the memories - have a good life'.

And now let's deal with: Thing is, i began to hear myself asking for more and more reassurance from him that he loves me, really intends to live together etc?and when I did challenge him his response was off

As you were divorced in all but the Absolute and he met you within days of separating from his dw I sincerely hope that, when asking for reassurance that you would 'live together', you were referring to some distant point in the future when his marital affairs were resolved and your younger dc had fled the nest, otherwise the pronouncement of this court is that you were guilty of a desperate desire to enter into another live-in relationship

Get yourself back to that beach and start skimming more stones before your thoughts start to turn longingly towards your ex. And they will, honey, because if you don't look forward to the future with confidence in your ability to become all that you can be without having a man in your life, it's entirely natural that they'll turn to the past.

Your experiences with everyone you like, love, hate, or are indifferent to, form the rich tapestry of your life. Use them to enrich and empower yourself and don't waste your valuable time on 'if only's'.

If I was JessieJ on The Voice, then I've just swung my chair around, and pressed the buzzer loudly for Izzyizin. Listen to everyword she's said, Ms Shoes!

If you heard my singing voice, you'd fall off your chair and be screaming for earmuffs, Saffy

I hope you've changed the locks.

Yes.

He did contact me again. He said I'd given him the strong impression that I wanted space (he was right) and thought i was going to end it (he was right) but he couldn't' face hearing it. Hence the silence. He was very upset and worried and dealt with it by not facing it.

But it would have gone on like that - him quietly breaking down the barriers and me becoming ever more frustrated after thinking we were getting somewhere.

Skimming stones is good. As is getting back to me.

Bit of a Hologram Man, isn't he? I wonder how many other things he's dealt with by not facing up to them?

We could spend a convivial few hours over a or 10 2 speculating on why he is like he is and generally analysing him and men like him, but life is short so why bother?

There is a bigger picture, Wisey, but it's easy to lose sight of when we're in it and dealing with life's minutiae.

Had you moved in together, NM would have been, what, the third man you'd lived with? How many years have you spent living, or being in a relationship, with men who've turned out out to be less than honest, or less than what you believed them to be? And how many years have you spent living the single life and enjoying your own company?

Your affair with NM served its purpose; it gave your ego a boost and reassured you that you can still pull 'em. With that knowledge under your belt you can afford to take a well-deserved break from romantic liaisons and get a rabbit..

It's time get back in touch with yourself, honey; the self that doesn't need to be defined by whether or not she's got a man in her life. And it's time that you put your mind to working out why you've allowed yourself to be hurt by charmers who turn out to be tossers further down the line.

It won't be long before your dd flies the nest, and she may be off to a residential school in September. Your little big girl's gone through so much since her df did the dirty and now she's seen NM fail to live up to expectations.

Why not book a memorable holiday for the pair of you this summer? Road/Greyhound/rail trip across the US, journey on the trans-Siberian railway, walking in the Tyrol, or a beach holiday in the Med anywhere there won't be a surfeit of Brit tourists to distract the process of moving your relationship on to the next level of her journey to adulthood.