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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you DP said this to you how would you react......

77 replies

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 22:09

I have written on here recently regarding me and DP. I have decided to separate from him, we have an 18 month old daughter, all very sad, but alas he won't come to Relate and we can't address our issues and communicate well,he attacks if he hears anything he doesn't agree with and seems to hear his own version of what I've just said. He has an underlying attitude of belittling me (he says I frustrate him which is why he says things in anger).... I am now looking for a flat with my DD.

Anyway.

Tonight, we talked about the split, about our relationship etc. As always we don't agree, he sees his truth and stubbornly refuses to take responsibility for his actions. I see both sides and that we are BOTH the cause. Things got heated in conversation,I said nothing abusive at all, just points about our past problems that he didnt' agree with and then he said

"If you were a bloke I'd knock your teeth down your throat".

How would you have reacted to this?
I reacted with disbelief,and told him it was being abusive. He said it wasn't, and that he was frustrated and that as he said "if you were a bloke" prior to the threat therefore it wasn't a threat. I asked him how he would feel if he heard his Dad say that to his Mum. He said I was overacting and that I'm crazy. I told him firmly that he cannot speak to me like that and that it's utterly wrong.

Have I overreacted?

OP posts:

oikopolis · 04/05/2012 22:10

if i were in your position, i would take that statement as further confirmation that i was doing the right thing by leaving him for good

lowercase · 04/05/2012 22:12

if you were a man you wouldnt say things like that to the mother of your child?

threatening behaviour. horrid.

oikopolis · 04/05/2012 22:12

and no. i don't think you overreacted. i would have either burst into tears or got a full fight-or-flight response if the same had been said to me.

that statement could have had no other intention other than to frighten you into shutting up. it was a threat, carefully worded to cover his arse.

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 22:12

Which were almost the exact words I said to him about 5 minutes later.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 04/05/2012 22:12

I think it's good that you are seperating.

I would have replied "If I were a bloke I'd punch your fecking lights out."

(I like to add a swear word as it sounds more aggressive)

defineme · 04/05/2012 22:13

You are doing the right thing.

I would leave my dh if he said things like that-so ignorant, so misogynist, so (can't think of any other word) thick....

Good luck.

RandomMess · 04/05/2012 22:13

That would completely and utterly unnerve me and have me packing my bags and leaving asap.

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 22:14

He said he just said it out of frustration. He has taken absolutely no responsibilty for it, says that from now on until I move out we will have no further conversation ever again about our relationship or past problems as all that happens is I make him say things out of frustration (all my fault of course) and then store them in my memory. Well, surely, you wouldn't forget things said to you like that would you?

OP posts:

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 22:16

lynette...ha ha, your comment actually made me laugh about adding the swearword!....The other day I was called a "fucking nightmare" at least 3 times when I was in tears about the end of our relationship. Again, he said it out of frustration. I sometimes wonder if I'm going mad.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 04/05/2012 22:17

thank goodness you are on your way out.... abusive, threatening and thinly veiled......not at all nice and I think you will be glad to be gone.

AbigailAdams · 04/05/2012 22:17

You are soooo doing the right thing in separating Beyondconfused. And you certainly didn't misinterpret his meaning. It was a threat, a nasty one. And he knew exactly what it was when he said it.

solidgoldbrass · 04/05/2012 22:19

Just think, you're soon going to be rid of this complete prick! However, the sooner the better. That was a pretty clear threat that was intended to have you thinking about whether or not he might hit you. He's contemplating it. How soon can you get rid?

MerryMarigold · 04/05/2012 22:19

That's not frustration. That's anger and an out-of-control temper. Well out of it. I would also refrain talking about it. It's obviously not worked in the past, and not going to change anything so why bother?

theycallmemrsboombastic · 04/05/2012 22:19

you can go to RELATE by yourself, something i wish I had known when I was separating from XP. Hope things get better for you soon

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 22:21

Does trying to address past issues, talking about it, sometimes getting heated about it ( I don't mean abusive as in "you selfish fucking wanker" or anything like that, but I mean saying "I feel you have acted selfishly and put work before us" type stuff) and telling DP how he has belittled me about the same theme many times over the years etc warrant him saying that to me? Because I'm going on about something he doesn't take responsibility for warrant that?

OP posts:

wonderstuff · 04/05/2012 22:23

He is blaming you, because that is easier for him. That is an awful thing to say and I agree it is good you are splitting up. He seems totally unable to accept resposiblity for himself. Could he be being deliberatly aggressive because he wants you to be the one to end things? Some men will be actively awful to drive a woman to leave them. A friends h spent months telling her she was crazy when she complained he wasn't talking to her - turned out he was having an affair but didn't have the balls to end the marriage.

Nobhead · 04/05/2012 22:24

He sounds like a cunt stain and of course it's all your fault,these things always are in this type of situation- I would have replied " that type of shit is exactly the reason why I'm leaving you. Perhaps you should find a man to have a relationship with so you can knock his teeth down his throat everytime you get frustrated with his responses in a discussion you happen to be having- this is obviously something you long for. So long cunt face!"

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 22:25

He would NEVER hit me, I am very very sure of that. But he is full of anger as obviously he's very hurtt about the situation (although hasn't fought for me to stay). Alas, this is why I have to leave, as we simply cannot communicate at all. He hears his own version of words I've just said and if he belittles me or says something out of frustration I NEVER get an apology. I won't for this and I would say this is the worst thing he's ever said.

I have been seeing a counsellor on my own for the last few months to try and make sense of my part in it and understand the dynamic of everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 22:33

Nobhead! ha ha, great response! I might think that to myself but I would never say it to his face!

wonderstuff - Yes, I have wondered if he is deliberately acting like this because he hasn't got the balls to say "yes, it doesn't work, let's split". I said to him earlier that he doesn't have the balls to take reponsibility. In anger (understandably he's very upset and resentful about us separating and our DD not going to have two parents together and the fact he will have to pay money etc), he said to me the other night that I was "unbearable" the biggest mistake of his life, a "fucking nightmare" etc....taking his daughter away (trying to explain shared parenting to him, how he can see her whenever he wants, as much as hee wants etc)...anyway, all that stuff he has said yet he can't agree to a mutual separation. It is just all my fault, I'm doing this, I'm splitting up the family, I'm driving this, it's nothing to do with him.

Does he want to be be the victim do you think? Surely, if he feels as he says he does about me then rationally he should agree that splitting up, even though awful as our DD is so young, is the right thing to do.

OP posts:

wonderstuff · 04/05/2012 22:54

He's definitely projecting his failings onto you. You need to stay clear on the fact that he is doing this, you aren't doing all this stuff to make his life difficult - he has made mistakes and is blaming you for them. He isn't being rational at all, he is playing the victim, he is refusing to accept any fault or blame when clearly he has failed to make efforts to make it work and is being very aggressive towards you.

ImperialBlether · 04/05/2012 23:04

Why bother talking to him? He's an abusive man - how many of those were changed by a good talking to? Try to hurry up your departure and count yourself lucky you're parting from him.

CuriousMama · 04/05/2012 23:09

I agree with Imperial, no point talking now. Just concentrate on getting away.
I think he sounds scary tbh.

AbigailAdams · 04/05/2012 23:15

Yep I agree. Detach, detach, detach.

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 04/05/2012 23:15

nah, he's not scary. Just angry about a 6 year relationship, up and down, off and on, then now a child involved...he's just angry but can't take responsibility for the reasons why I'm leaving. He says he feels conned that we had our dd, stitched up, that after 18 months of her being born I am leaving. Says he adores her more than anything but wishes we hadn't had her (for her sake). He has this idea in his head that he has done nothing wrong at all ever. Obviously I am leaving him and splitting up my DD's parents therefore her family for no good reason whatsoever.

You are right. No point in talking now, which is what he has said. Life sucks. He's a decent man, I'm a decent woman but it just shows what happens when two people are incompatible.

Thanks for your responses.

OP posts:

NarkedPuffin · 04/05/2012 23:21

If he cared he'd go to Relate rather than listing the wrongs that have been done to him.

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