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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am a stupid fucking selfish cow.

85 replies

CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia · 04/05/2012 21:02

In 2009 I met a handsome, lovely guy who unfortunately lives in London, while I'm in Yorkshire. We didn't see each other very often so kept it casual, but fell for each other. This was when I was 19. I hadn't had a proper relationship before and thought I was missing out I was stupid and I made a huge mistake and agreed to go out with a guy from College - 'd'p. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and I don't know why.

'D'P can be very controlling. I have no friends left because he doesn't like me seeing them and my parents love him (he moved himself in with us quite early on). He doesn't like me wearing make up or dressing nicely to go anywhere. My bedroom (still at home) has been taken over by his stuff. He wants to have children and regularly moans about the fact I have a coil. This is stupid because he doesn't have a job and we could never support a child.

In that past two years I've put on a lot of weight and have no self confidence. I'm nothing like I was, I hate how I look and have been drinking every night to cope. I am a huge mess and I blame DP, although I know it is ultimately my own fault.

I am still in contact with the other guy. I always have been. I know this is selfish, but i want to be with him. I want him to be there for me if I ever get the courage to leave 'd'p. I hate myself for what I've done and what a mess I'm in. He (in ldn) is giving mixed messages. One day he loves me, the next he can't and he hates me for what I've done. He wants to be with me, he doesn't. I'm beautiful then I'm a whore and a slut with a 'mashed up cunt from all the disgusting use' (I've only ever slept with dp). He says he is jealous, then he doesn't care.

I feel so lost. I'm frightened of leaving my dp and the one I love not being there for me, although it's what I deserve. I'm frightened of moving DP out - chuck it all on the drive for him to collect? I don't know.

I'm sorry for the long post. I sound such a selfish fucker. I absolutely hate myself but have no idea what to do. Ready for a huge flaming.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 04/05/2012 21:07

Your DP is controlling and abusive.

The other guy is abusive and nasty.

Please get rid of both of them.

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 21:09

Honey. Seems to me if you went to London you'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Tell your parents what your boyfriend is like and get him out of the door.

Time to start a fresh here.

AyeRobot · 04/05/2012 21:10

Being single seems a massive improvement from where you are now. Take some time off from men and get your head together.

Sorry it's all so shit at the moment. You can have a MUCH better life. Trust me (the random poster on the internet Grin)

Lueji · 04/05/2012 21:10

It's not selfish.

Why should you be with someone you don't like?

But don't go running to London guy either...

You are still young. You should be enjoying independent life. Not tied up to two twats.

winnybella · 04/05/2012 21:11

Eh? You love a guy who calls you a whore with a mashed-up cunt?

DP lives with you at your parents' house? Kick him out.

Both of them sound like a waste of space and potentially dangerous.

You're 19, that is soo young. Why would you settle for either of these wankers?

BeauNash · 04/05/2012 21:12

At 22 you're very young to be thinking of settling down, with either of these men. They both sound horrible. Ask your DP to move out and then steal clear of the other one, you don't want to be with someone who's mind works like that, even if he appologises he can't unsay it.

oikopolis · 04/05/2012 21:12

you're a selfish fucker? is that really what you've ascertained from this situation??

no my dear, you're not selfish.

you have an abusive boyfriend.
and low self-esteem.
so you cling to the next man, even though he's heinously abusive (i would venture to say he is even more dangerous than your current partner - those words you've quoted are seriously abusive and frightening)

it's time to chuck the BF and cut contact with the other guy. they're both cunts and you need to sort yourself out, get back on track and start expecting more from life. x

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 21:14

I also want to cuddle you, wipe your tears and tell you that you're gorgeous and worth a thousand trillion squillion more that those two nasty pieces of shite.

Why do your mum and dad think your boyfriend is a good guy then?

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 21:17

What everybody said above

  • what do you love about yourself? what would other people say your best qualities are? make an action plan out of the shit things of your current life massive hugs xxxxx
HazleNutt · 04/05/2012 21:19

a lovely guy will not call you a mashed up cunt. if he does, his "lovely" badge is taken away.

wannaBe · 04/05/2012 21:26

"In 2009 I met a handsome, lovely guy" and how, exactly, does this tally with him calling you a c* and telling you he hates you?

Op it seems to me that there are two issues here.

The first is that you are with someone you don't actually want to be with, who is controlling, abusive and makes your life miserable.

The second is that you are not with a guy who you want to be with,who is abusive, controlling and makes your life miserable.

It can be scary leaving a relationship, and understandable that you don't want to do it alone and want someone to be there for you who cares about you. However, it is never a good idea to leave one relationship for another - even if the person you are leaving for is the nicest guy on earth. You have to leave time to get over the relationship you have left, a grieving process, as it were, before entering into a new relationship. Rebound relationships rarely work out, and you are likely to be back in the same situation a year or two down the line, and then what?

There are no rules that say you should stay in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with. If you want out, throw him out and move on. But do think carefully before getting back involved with someone who is no better than the guy you are currently with.

Ellovera · 04/05/2012 21:26

Oh you poor girl . Please love yourself first and foremost. These men are praying on your vulnerability inexperience and youth . Stop right now and have a word with yourself. There is no future with either of these men. They are no good for anyone and sound vile spiteful and nasty and are playing headgames .

No more. Be strong. Be single . Learn to love yourself.

THIS IS NOT LOVE ! If it was, how fucked up is that?

Original poster
CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia · 04/05/2012 21:29

Thank you so much for your lovely responses everybody. I am in floods of tears from them all.

I think it is selfish because I want him to be with me after how much I hurt him when I started going out my partner. He always says "Don't expect it to go back to how it was", which is exactly what I want to be honest, because then he WAS a gentleman, incredibly kind and treated my like a princess. I know what he said is pretty disgusting, along with 'cumbucket', 'cumslut', 'mashed potato poon', but I think everybody says things they don't really mean when they're angry/upset.

I don't want to settle down with anybody now, I feel much too young and I'm in no position to move to London to be with him, which is how it'd have to be. I'm meant to be going to see him in two months time but I'm not sure now after what everybody has said!

OP posts:
slowlyburningcalories · 04/05/2012 21:33

If there were no restraints what you you want to do with your life?

There is no wrong answer

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/05/2012 21:34

No, not everybody says stuff like that when they are upset.

They really do not.

Try being on your own for a while.

izzyizin · 04/05/2012 21:34

You, my dear, are caught between 2 stupid fucking selfish, controlling, and abusive, cunts.

Cease all communication with the cunt in London - delete his number/block emails/don't respond to phone calls - and ask your parents to tell the cunt who lives in your family home to leave otherwise you'll be forced to move out.

Go to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling that will help you work out why you have low-esteem and how you can remedy this common problem.

Are your dps controlling? Do they make you feel that you are 'not good enough'? If so, it's time to cut the apron strings and move into a flat/room of your own.

I hope you'll keep posting here so that you can gain strength from women who know exactly where you're coming from and who have, themselves, been able to overcome similar problems to the ones that you're currently experiencing.

LynetteScavo · 04/05/2012 21:35

They both sound awful. You don't sound at all selfish.

Ask 'D' P to move out asap, get your life back together, and forget about London man. You don't deserve to be spoken to like he does to you.

There are some good men out there, you are young, the world is your oyster (what ever that means).

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 21:36

It is NOT OKAY for him to call you those words.

Chubfuddler · 04/05/2012 21:38

Right. Enough. You know perfectly well it is not ok for this guy in London to call you these things. You know perfectly well it is not ok for your p to be abusive and controlling.

But you are in such a better position than so many women with abusive partners. You aren't cohabiting with your p in the sense of having a mortgage or tenancy together. He is dossing in your parents house. You don't have children. You aren't pregnant.

Kick him out. Delete and block the twat in London from your phone. Chalk it all up to experience and work on reuniting with your mates and making new ones.

crumpet · 04/05/2012 21:38

Er, no. No-one that I would remotely be interested in would dream of using language like that.

I simply could not imagine why I would be expected to be interested in someone who had such little respect.

Being upset does not entitle anyone to use language like that. It is revolting.

oikopolis · 04/05/2012 21:40

PLEASE don't ever meet with this London man. EVER. Men who talk like that to women who have hurt them, are the kinds of men who beat, rape and murder women who piss them off. you would be in extreme danger if you went to see him.

How do you think it will end if you go?

Do you think he will be nice to you? He's told you himself that you shouldn't expect him to be nice/a gentleman. Take him at his word. Don't make a terrible situation even worse.

think everybody says things they don't really mean when they're angry/upset.

Sweetheart, you are so wrong I don't even know where to begin.

NO. Everybody does NOT say things like that when they are angry/upset. However, abusive, dangerous men who like to injure and humiliate women DO say things like that.

They also mix in nice, sweet words to ensure you're confused and ready to give them the benefit of the doubt. just because someone was nice BEFORE, or is nice SOMETIMES, doesn't mean they are nice.

you would be an utter fool to go to London to see someone who is so obviously and terrifying unhinged. please do not do that. i beg you, for your own safety and sanity.

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 21:40

v.good points chubfuddler

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/05/2012 21:40

Get rid of both of these nasty abusive fuckers. God knows why your parents like your partner- he sounds like a freeloading arsehole.

I understand you're scared of being without a man but where do you see your life in 10 years time? How miserable do you think you'll be with either one of them?

You are so young. This is a great oppurtunity for you to think of yourself, to do something for yourself. First things first, get rid of these 2 shitbags.

Harecare · 04/05/2012 21:43

Total wankers the pair of them. What do your friends think? I think you need to concentrate on building good friendships with other females who you can go out and have fun with and get away from these horrible wanker men.
There are some lovely kind and decent men out there, but you are too young to think about settling down with one right now. You need good friends to have fun with, not wankers who bring you down.

Mumsyblouse · 04/05/2012 21:44

Sweetheart, you sound very young, you are not a princess and that man in London is certainly no gentleman. It sounds romantic but having someone pour abuse in your ear is not romantic, it's abusive and nasty and I can't imagine why you would be draw towards it in the slightest. You need to get your current DP out of the house, tell your parents you want him to leave or move out yourself.

I do feel for you, your parents should feel concerned by your low mood, lack of care of yourself and your loss of friends, not encouraging this horrible man to live in their house.

Both men are simply awful and you will be better off on your own or with a really nice man who would never ever ever call someone they call about those disgusting names.