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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am a stupid fucking selfish cow.

85 replies

CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia · 04/05/2012 21:02

In 2009 I met a handsome, lovely guy who unfortunately lives in London, while I'm in Yorkshire. We didn't see each other very often so kept it casual, but fell for each other. This was when I was 19. I hadn't had a proper relationship before and thought I was missing out I was stupid and I made a huge mistake and agreed to go out with a guy from College - 'd'p. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and I don't know why.

'D'P can be very controlling. I have no friends left because he doesn't like me seeing them and my parents love him (he moved himself in with us quite early on). He doesn't like me wearing make up or dressing nicely to go anywhere. My bedroom (still at home) has been taken over by his stuff. He wants to have children and regularly moans about the fact I have a coil. This is stupid because he doesn't have a job and we could never support a child.

In that past two years I've put on a lot of weight and have no self confidence. I'm nothing like I was, I hate how I look and have been drinking every night to cope. I am a huge mess and I blame DP, although I know it is ultimately my own fault.

I am still in contact with the other guy. I always have been. I know this is selfish, but i want to be with him. I want him to be there for me if I ever get the courage to leave 'd'p. I hate myself for what I've done and what a mess I'm in. He (in ldn) is giving mixed messages. One day he loves me, the next he can't and he hates me for what I've done. He wants to be with me, he doesn't. I'm beautiful then I'm a whore and a slut with a 'mashed up cunt from all the disgusting use' (I've only ever slept with dp). He says he is jealous, then he doesn't care.

I feel so lost. I'm frightened of leaving my dp and the one I love not being there for me, although it's what I deserve. I'm frightened of moving DP out - chuck it all on the drive for him to collect? I don't know.

I'm sorry for the long post. I sound such a selfish fucker. I absolutely hate myself but have no idea what to do. Ready for a huge flaming.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 04/05/2012 21:47

I think everybody says things they don't really mean when they're angry/upset

Your first lesson is to learn that controlling abusers like the cunt in London say exactly what they are thinking all of the time, and what they really mean, when they're angry/upset.

Heave a sigh of relief that you can erase him from your life with a click of a button and resolve to stay away from the likes of him forever.

And now to dispose of the other blight on your landscape, namely the cunt that's taken over your bedroom in your family home: how will your dps react when you tell him to get the fuck out of your life?

BTW, if you're new to this board, honey, you may not be aware that I don't use the 'c' word unless circumstance particularly warrant its use and, in your case, I have absolutely no hesitation in using it to describe the 2 complete cunts that are hellbent on controlling and abusing you.

AyeRobot · 04/05/2012 21:48

Whilst you are mulling all of this over, don't sleep with your "D"P (or anyone), or at least make sure that you are doubling up on contraception, at minimum. You don't want to be tied to any man through children until you have figured out where you are heading.

swallowedAfly · 04/05/2012 21:52

i've never called anyone words like that and i've been pretty upset and angry many times. it really isn't normal.

they both sound awful.

also hope you don't mind me saying but your parents sound very strange - letting your boyfriend move himself in when you were 19 and hadn't been seeing each other long? then letting him stay there whilst not working and being the sort of person whose ambition stretches to wanting to get his young girlfriend pregnant despite not working or having a home of his own?

i'm wondering what sort of boundaries you've been raised to have - it doesn't sound like your parents have really treated you as something precious and to be guarded and taken care of.

Original poster
CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia · 04/05/2012 21:57

You're all right, I think I've always known that deep down.

Thank you all for not sugar coating it. I really needed to be told all of this and don't feel up to speaking to my parents about it, even though we are usually very close. I will definitely get back in touch with some old friends for some support.

Your responses have completely overwhelmed me! I'm pleased I posted and can start figuring out how to go about ending both of these relationships.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 04/05/2012 21:57

(and if they didn't do that it can't be made up for by a man treating you like a little girl/princess now - can only start to parent yourself and do a better job of it than them)

dreamingbohemian · 04/05/2012 21:58

I have a to-do list for you:

  1. Kick out partner.
  1. Tell London guy to go fuck himself.
  1. Get some counselling. Stat.
  1. Enjoy being single and young and free, think about what you want to do with your life, and don't let any nasty abusive twats anywhere near you.

You only get one life. You are only 22 once. This should be the best time of your life, don't waste it on miserable fuckers like these guys.

dreamingbohemian · 04/05/2012 22:00

Oh cross-posted.... yes! Get rid of them!

I think your first step should be your parents. Tell them exactly how awful he is and get them on board to help get him out of the house.

izzyizin · 04/05/2012 22:02

With regard to the 'non' relationship with the twunt in London, there's nothing to figure as there's no need whatsoever for you to enter into any further communication with him.

With regard to the twunt who's taken over your room; sit down with your dps and tell them that you've outgrown him and you want to get back to living with them without him being around.

I've got a feeling your dps may be immensely relieved to get rid of the idle layabout whose presence in their home is no doubt draining their finances as well as straining their tolerance.

BeauNash · 04/05/2012 22:06

You're relatively lucky. Easy to get rid of the current one as no mortgage etc, and frankly it sound like you've had a lucky escape with hi. In London. People do asy things they don't mean in the heat of the moment, but nt things like that.

SinicalSanta · 04/05/2012 22:06

Wtaf?
You're young and have got a great hand of cards. Play them.
You wont be alone forever because you gave two wankers the boot at age 22. Hel, you may well have booted two more by this night week.
In the nicest possible way cop on. Why choose dickhesd and misery? Decide to be happy by June. There is nothing stopping you.

I know that sounds harsh, but it may help anyway

oikopolis · 04/05/2012 22:07

i'm glad you're taking all this on.

get rid of the pair of them, as quickly as you possibly can. you're young, and probably gorgeous and fun to boot... so go out and enjoy your life. i bet your friends are missing you terribly.

BeauNash · 04/05/2012 22:09

Crickey - quick typing making me look drunk there! True what izzy says, don't enter into a dialogue with the London one, just ignore him. It sounds like he has a bit of a hold on you, and best not give him leverage.

soslapme · 04/05/2012 22:10

Just want to agree with everything that has been said here. London man is terrifying - really bad - block and delete. And get 'd'p out of your house and out of your life. You deserve so much much more.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 05/05/2012 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooPooInMyToes · 05/05/2012 09:15

The London guy isn't lovely, he just pretended to be for a while and now you see the true him. He is as bad as your dp.

You really need to be single. You don't need either of these guys! You should also have counselling to figure out why you are attracted to men like this and why you have such low opinions of what you deserve. Otherwise you'll spend your life going from one abusive twat to the next.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 05/05/2012 09:20

dump them both - they are vile get him out of your parents house the scummy bastard, does he pay rent?

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 09:31

It's obvious to all of us, OP, that these two men are highly abusive. The one in London is really frightening. I've never known a man who would use words like that - they're the most disgusting words I've heard. And you are supposed to want to be with him when he talks to you like that? I imagine he also says lovely things to you - of course he does, otherwise you wouldn't listen to all the crap.

Your live in boyfriend sounds awful, too. Please keep that coil in!

I wonder, though, about your relationships with your parents. Can't they see that you are unhappy? Does he suck up to them? He sounds really dreadful - you have to end that relationship to stay sane, I think. If they know you are unhappy (and how can't they if you have gained so much weight and have no friends) then I think you should get away from them, too. Perhaps he could continue to live with them, eh?

Can you tell us what kind of job you do? What qualifications do you have? I would love to see you go off and have a complete change - one that involves not living in Yorkshire or London, one that involves living with mature and friendly people who don't take advantage of you.

Can we talk you through some sort of future? What would you love to do?

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 09:32

I will bet my house that the OP pays his rent.

bushymcbush · 05/05/2012 09:32

When I was 19 I had a boyfriend who called me names like that. Just because he wasn't the first man I'd had sex with.

I wish I'd had the wisdom of mumsnet to tell me what was what back then. I (naive and stupid girl that I was) kept going back for more.

It didn't end well. I don't really want to go into details, but believe me, it's NOT normal to speak to someone like that, however angry you are.

Get rid of both these men. Especially the London one.

ThereGoesTheYear · 05/05/2012 09:35

This is your chance to choose a life where you feel happy and good about yourself. These 2 miserable specimens are doing a good job of making you feel bad about yourself. They are not nice men, they both need to go with minimal engagement from you. They don't need reasons, and any dialogue will give them a chance to twist and turn and get into your head.

You are so young! You have come on here and asked for advice because something felt wrong. You have opened your eyes a lot earlier than I and a lot of others did, and you're in a great position, with no ties to either of these losers. Get some counselling, take a look at the Freedom Programme to sort out your own ideas on what makes a good relationship, and figure out why you accepted these bad ones. And then enjoy your fantastic life and never look back!

bushymcbush · 05/05/2012 09:35

By the way, treating you 'like a princess' is also classic behaviour of an abuser. I don't want to be treated like a princess. I am a normal human being.

motherinferior · 05/05/2012 09:39

Darling, get the hell out of there. You're young, you've got no dependents, you can make yourself a fabulous life and, in time, find a lovely man - as well as other friends - who will appreciate you and want to make you happy.

clam · 05/05/2012 09:47

Don't even want to copy and paste those remarks from the London twat (and I'm not averse to swearing normally).
But really, what sort of person uses language like that?
Dump them both.

Rindercella · 05/05/2012 09:47

Exactly what Izzy has said in her posts here.

I think you have had a very, very lucky escape from the London twat. If you were in a more involved relationship with him I think he would have turned very, very nasty. He has certainly shown the propensity to be hideous when he is meant to love you and wants to be with you. Just imagine what he would be like if you'd been living with him these last 2/3 years. You'd be far from home and friends and trapped with a man who thinks it's okay to call you stuff I cannot even bring myself to repeat.

Leave your current boyfriend. Either remove him from your parents' home or you move out yourself. You are young, lovely and have your whole life ahead of you. Please make the most of it and ditch these two sorry excuses for men today. Don't look back, just look forward to the fantastic, fulfilling life you have ahead of you

Something I have heard often on here is, when a man tells you who he is, believe him. Both have shown their true selves to you. Believe that you cannot change them and you are worth far more than the hate they are currently giving you.

swallowedAfly · 05/05/2012 09:52

yep flipping between the princess/whore treatment and appraisal of you leaves you nowhere to be yourself: a normal, human being. a princess isn't allowed to show disastisfaction or be unhappy or frustrated or a normal human being, she has to perform a pedestal version of herself to keep him happy, when she fails to perform the version of herself he demands of his princess she falls to whore as punishment so that she scurries around trying to perfect the princess version and eliminate any needs, feelings, thoughts, behaviours that are disapproved of. both are horrible roles to be put in and both deny you the right to just be yourself and be loved for it.

the right people (and it's about more than a man) will love you for being you and not need you to perform anything and not abuse and deride you when you displease them. they will accept and respect you. friends, family, men, colleagues etc - all are a part of your life that you need and none should resent the others presence in your life. you are a person: not a princess or a whore or a possession.

it's your life!