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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am a stupid fucking selfish cow.

85 replies

CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia · 04/05/2012 21:02

In 2009 I met a handsome, lovely guy who unfortunately lives in London, while I'm in Yorkshire. We didn't see each other very often so kept it casual, but fell for each other. This was when I was 19. I hadn't had a proper relationship before and thought I was missing out I was stupid and I made a huge mistake and agreed to go out with a guy from College - 'd'p. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and I don't know why.

'D'P can be very controlling. I have no friends left because he doesn't like me seeing them and my parents love him (he moved himself in with us quite early on). He doesn't like me wearing make up or dressing nicely to go anywhere. My bedroom (still at home) has been taken over by his stuff. He wants to have children and regularly moans about the fact I have a coil. This is stupid because he doesn't have a job and we could never support a child.

In that past two years I've put on a lot of weight and have no self confidence. I'm nothing like I was, I hate how I look and have been drinking every night to cope. I am a huge mess and I blame DP, although I know it is ultimately my own fault.

I am still in contact with the other guy. I always have been. I know this is selfish, but i want to be with him. I want him to be there for me if I ever get the courage to leave 'd'p. I hate myself for what I've done and what a mess I'm in. He (in ldn) is giving mixed messages. One day he loves me, the next he can't and he hates me for what I've done. He wants to be with me, he doesn't. I'm beautiful then I'm a whore and a slut with a 'mashed up cunt from all the disgusting use' (I've only ever slept with dp). He says he is jealous, then he doesn't care.

I feel so lost. I'm frightened of leaving my dp and the one I love not being there for me, although it's what I deserve. I'm frightened of moving DP out - chuck it all on the drive for him to collect? I don't know.

I'm sorry for the long post. I sound such a selfish fucker. I absolutely hate myself but have no idea what to do. Ready for a huge flaming.

OP posts:
bushymcbush · 05/05/2012 09:59

swallowedaFly - great post. You were far more articulate about the princess idea than I was!

itsthawooluff · 05/05/2012 10:07

Totally second swallowed's comments - either you are mine and you behave exactly as I want you to in which case you are my princess / madonna, or you don't and you are a whore who has been "polluted" some how.

Give them both the elbow, and don't fall into thinking that the London guy would love you if only you did X or Y or Z. He won't ever change from his mindset that you are not "really his, because you are no longer pure". and he doesn't deserve you. Neither of them do.

helpyourself · 05/05/2012 10:14

Both mena re horrid.

I'm not too impressed with your parents either. You need to tell them and get them onside.

MadamFolly · 05/05/2012 10:30

Both are awful, cut off contact with mr London and throw your P out of your house. Just pack up his stuff, leave it outside and tell him he is not to come back.

MardyArsedMidlander · 05/05/2012 10:30

Reading this has made me very sad and angry- mainly because I was in the same position at your age (abusive cocklodger living with me at parents's home- parents who wouldn't support me).

Two things I wish someone had told me:
THESE ARE YOUR BEST YEARS.

YOU NEED TO BE MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE FUCKING SELFISH.

HazleNutt · 05/05/2012 11:12

OP, both of those men are classic abusers. They are not nice, decent people and their behaviour is not normal, really not. Have you read this? Sounds familiar?
www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

AliveSheCried · 05/05/2012 11:18

Poor you. urgh. I actually felt sick when I read that mashed up comment. You cannot let yourself be spoken to like this, dump em both. Dont stay with either, be on your own for a couple of years and get your soul and independence and self respect back. You dont need to be with anybody. x

HereIGo · 05/05/2012 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secrecy · 05/05/2012 13:48

What everyone else has said!!!!!! Get rid of them both and grab the chance of a happy life without these 'partners' putting you down. Best of luck to you X

Original poster
CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia · 05/05/2012 13:53

Hi again, thank you for your replies everybody.

My doctors is closed on Monday, my birthday is Tuesday and I have plans with my Mum then, so I will speak to her about it all and then ring the doctors on Wednesday morning and ask for counselling. I was put in for it 6 months ago for stress and low mood but ignored the letter thinking it'd go away. I will make sure I go this time because for the first time in ages after reading your posts I feel like I deserve to be happy. Thank you.

My parents, they see the live in boyfriend as the son they didn't have, somebody to work on and help as he came from a 'broken family' with no ambitions. I should add that they are both mentally ill with clinical depression, and both have stressful jobs so I try not to add to it iyswim. I cannot afford to move out at the moment but I am saving, but am on a low income as have recently had my hours cut.

What Swallowed, especially has said really rings a bell and is completely right about London guy, regarding the 'princess/whore' treatment. I don't know how I didn't know it wasn't normal, I feel absolutely disgusted I let him say those things to me and just took it. I haven't spoken to him and will try to resist answering texts.

Thank you so much everybody

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 05/05/2012 13:57

we don't know till we learn couldyouplease. it's one of those things we don't get taught about and tend to learn the hard way x

BeauNash · 05/05/2012 14:15

Be prepared that you ignoring him might make him keener. If this happens please do not see it as evidence that his feeling for you have improved and that he does love you really. It will just be a case of wanting what he can't have. But he fact is that you do not want him.

Eurostar · 05/05/2012 14:26

Hi OP. What a miserable time you are having and you sound like you take on masses of responsibility for others (that's the second time I've said that in 24 hours on here), much as your parents do in a way - it's not good for any of you. Me and lots of others who post on here probably have the same traits, but we know we need to limit it and can, for instance, jump on and off internet forums to get our "helping" fix whilst otherwise looking after ourselves and standing up for our own rights.

Your current DP, as you know, is literally bad for your health. The man in London sounds unspeakably dreadful - he should not be let near any woman.

That's great that you plan to re-open your referral to the NHS therapy. You need to be honest with them about your drinking though because, if you can't cut it down, you may need a different approach to the general CBT for stress and low mood that they are probably offering. Don't rule out finding longer term counselling with a young persons' or women's centre.

You can get through this and come out with great boundaries that will mean that you can have fulfilling friendships and relationships and eventually a partner where you treat each other with respect and love and where you both encourage each other rather than be brought down.

It's really important to get off the alcohol you know because it is a depressant and it can do physical as mental damage. Don't let him or your parents destroy you!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 05/05/2012 14:35

If your parents want your arsehole P to be their "son", then leave them to it. Move out, and follow HereIGo's prescription for an awesome life of your own.

You can make it on your own, low income or not. And you can be very proud of yourself for saving up to do just that, and also for going back to your GP for counseling referral.

swallowedAfly · 05/05/2012 15:05

yes he may well get keener briefly if you ignore him but wait it out - i'm willing to bet it will turn from the nice, charming trying to win you back to abusive and nasty when he realises he's really not getting his way. be aware of that and don't get sucked in.

LadyKooKoo · 05/05/2012 15:11

OP, I will echo what everyone else has said and advise you to get rid of both of them. I would also like to point out (in homage to your username) that Gilbert would never treat Anne or any other lady the way these men treat you.

MardyArsedMidlander · 05/05/2012 15:44

Cordelia- weirdly I should add that both my parents were also depressed- and tho' I know they loved my very very much I think in a bizarre way they liked my (abusive loathsome cocklodging) boyfriend because he was 'more like them' and it was less threatening than me going for someone who would enhance my life.

vegetariandumpling · 05/05/2012 16:13

I thought my parents loved my ex too, but they were visibly relieved when we split. They're probably just trying to get on with him for your sake.

And even if they aren't, who cares? They're not in the relationship, I'm sure they'll get over it.

Secrecy · 05/05/2012 17:12

That sounds like a plan! Good for you!

amillionyears · 05/05/2012 17:30

Im guessing the guy in your house says he loves you.Go by his actions, not his words.
His actions are not about loving you.They are about controlling you.
And good luck.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 05/05/2012 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabidAnchovy · 05/05/2012 20:30

So you are 21/22?
Sweetheart, I am old enough to be your mum amd I am telling you you need to get rid of the prick you have living with you and taking over your life and end your friendship with the prick in London as he will just take over where prick number one leaves off.

Do not let either of these men keep stealing your life and your future

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/05/2012 20:35

couldyou its not your job to keep your parents 'well'. It is not possible for you to make them better.
It is time to think about what you want from life instead of using your energy trying to keep everyone else happy.

That would be hard enough in a functional family. Pretty impossible in a family made up of people with clinical depression and high stress levels.

It doesnt mean you dont love your parents or are uncaring if you put yourself first.

Please try and change things, you are so young and have so much ahead of you.

RabidAnchovy · 05/05/2012 20:37

Your parents chose to have a child, it is their job to look out for you, not for you to look out for them, and if these people can not even fix themself why would they think they could fix him???

Get rid or all of them

JustFab · 05/05/2012 20:40

Not a lot to say but get rid of your boyfriend and the other bloke is vile calling you names. You should have a break from men completely.