Should my DH do some housework?

[maybegoingwest]

I am fed up. Been married for ages and DCs now just left home. We had a very traditional set up with DH earning 80% of our income and working long hours, so I did all domestic stuff and cooking.
Now though my work is picking up and I expect DH to share the housework load. He doesn't. He can't cook and although he says he will try to learn, he doesn't. He does no cleaning at all. My standards are not high - believe me- but I exepct him to contribute something to the running of the place, bar putting out the wheelie bins and cutting the lawn.

If I ask him to do something he will- but never ever offers. So I feel a nag. Have stopped ironing his clothes.
Any ideas?

get a cleaner and lots of takeaways- he is unlikely to changes esp if he is still working as much as you describe.

Adults who say they can't cook make me really cross.
No-one is born being able to cook.
People learn because it is a skill they need in order to survive.
Get him to man up.
Put up a rota.
Stop behaving like his mother, and assert yourself as an equal partner.

Cleaner- can't afford.
Takewaways- sorry- we like to eat really healthily.

There is not a lot of housework to do but I do it ALL.
Like today- he comes in with wet feet, marks the wood floor in hall and it's still like it- he doesn't even see it needs wiping.

Do people have rotas? I thought that was just for students!

Of course he should do some housework!!

If he will when you ask then write a list for the week and stick it on the wall and say that's his share of the housework from now on. This is not ideal obviously but it's better than having to keep asking.

Yes!

My dad hasn't a clue. My Mum has very bad arthritis one day he will have to cook his own dinner.

Yes, I am not fussed in the week (as on my own) but on weekends, everyone has to do washing, emptying the dishwasher, clearing up. It's not done to the highest standard, but it is done. It's ridiculous for a grown man to be doing nothing all weekend, even if he does work in the week like the rest of us

This is why I started married life as I meant to go on, ie sharing all domestic drudgery.

Having to ask my dh to do housework in his own home would make me furious.

What about a rota?

It might be difficult for him to suddenly think 'that's it, dcs left home, now after 'ages' of supporting my family and working etc, I now have to do equal housework and learn to chef, etc'?

When you say 'ages' how long do you mean?

Sounds like he has been a great husband really. Difficult for both of you though I can see. Can he cut down on his work hours now perhaps and you can enjoy some more loving time together now that dcs have left home?

"Do people have rotas? I thought that was just for students!"

We don't, but that's because my husband does his fair share.
If he promised to do his fair share but then didn't bother, or forgot, then too right, we'd have a rota!

Cleaning up after himself is really a pretty basic requirement for an able-bodied adult, isn't it?

I think you mean YOU like to eat healthily as YOU do all the cooking- he clearly doesn't care. If he does- get some takeaways and when he complans explain you are overworked, and then if he learns to cook a stir fry, then you have made progress.
Just sit him down and tell him.
Or find a supplier of ready made healthy meals.

I have the following things in place which help:
*Whoever cooks, the other washes up (therefore giving your DH the choice to either learn to cook or do the dishes on the nights you cook)
*I clean the bathroom and kitchen because I do it better but we both keep it tidy
*He empties the bins as it makes me boak
*He baths and bottles DD every evening
*I only wash clothes that are in the laundry basket. I never ever pick up DHs dirty clothes from wherever he keeps them and wash them. If they are not in the basket, they dont get done
*I only put away mine and DDs clothes. DHs clean clothes are put on his side of the bed to do whatever he wants with (usually ends up putting them on the floor by his bed and picking out of them for a few days)
*If I think DH is not pulling his weight (i.e sitting around while I am tidying) I do a lot of huffy puffy noises and stomp a little and thats his hint that he should not be Sitting On His Arse Doing Nothing While I Skivvy (and the house gets tidy in half the time)
*Any mess he leaves lying around gets put on his bedside table in a pile. It can get quite high before he tackles it

I have to say though, I am happy to leave things get in a bit of a state purely on principal, so DH knows if he leaves it I wont just end up doing it anyways.

Thankfully, DH is not adverse to housework but also he likes to not to any housework after work and instead 'blast' through the house on a weekend. I, however, think that if we keep ontop of it during the week, we can relax on a weekend. We do have challenges

Have you talked with your husband about sharing it all now tjhe dcs haver gone? My father fell into a depression after we had all left home and did nothing round the house. He had worked all hours forever to support us then when we had gone he didnt know what his role was. My mother knew the 'ropes' around the house and he didn't. They had a really really tough two years and my father had to re-learn his own identity sort of thing.

They are now suprememly happy and go everywhere together - auctions, cookery weeks, holidays, all sorts of things. they had to learn how to be together again. really together and a team, no dcs. fuck the housework and chores kind of thing.

He's in denial. Says he does do things. This amounts to stacking and unloading the dishwasher. And rubbish. Nothing else. We have talked. often.

But now the children have left home can't you rediscover your joie de vivre so to speak instead of being pissed off about the dishwasher? ask him to organise a short break for you both? I'm probably not helping. sorry.the marriage sounds pretty stale.

When I said he earned 80% that is because his job pays more- but I still worked 4-5 half days and did all housework.

Over the week, I change the bed, iron it, wash kitchen floor maybe twice a week, as it's cream and shows marks, hoover downstairs once, hoover upstairs, hoover stairs, and clean bathroom and downstairs loo. I wash and iron my clothes, was his but he irons his own now.

I do all the food shopping and all cooking.

How can we divide this up? I'd be happy with a 70-30 split or 60-40.

Limited- we are doing things together- that's not the issue.

I don't know. I am fifty and my son is four. I am a single parent and load the dishwasher all by myself. all the time. I have nobody earning 80 per cent of anything.

It sounds very much like you dont love or need him anymore and he is just an irritant now. So don't waste another moment with him. It's a big world out there.

Don't let anyone have you think you nag. There's no such thing as nagging, really. Just a sign someone not being listened to in the relationship. Which is the real issue.

oh pleeeeeease Limited- don't start reading stuff that is not there. After 27 years of marriage I am allowed to be pissed off at this but not saying I want a divorce!

Limited . Do adults not clean their own house where you are from or
is it just female adults? Housework is his responsibility too. It has sweet FA to do with how much money each person brings into the house.

Agree with SGM stop cooking, cleaning his dishes and washing for him.

He thinks housework is beneath him and only fit for you to do .

Sorry, I just meant that the whole 'Stuff You for not loading the dishwasher and hoovering you bastard' thing is perhaps not really hitting the mark when it comes to re-negotiating marriage terms once children have left home. I am probably wrong. My husband was a right shit.

Maybe - why don't you think of your DH as a student of cleaning?? A rota would be a VERY good idea for someone who is learning.

The first thing to do is make a list of EVERYTHING you do. This will be time consuming. Then put alongside it how much time each job actually takes you over the period of a week (fortnight/month - depending on how you time your chores).

Then list your hours of work (and include the cleaning hours in this) and his hours of work.

Your hours will then most likely be FAR greater than his. Ask him just how fair he thinks this is.

Then reallocate some of your jobs to him. If he does them badly then HE has to redo them, or you ignore them until the next time he has to do them (and they will most likely be harder to do because they weren't done properly the previous time).

If he doesn't do them at all, then start looking after yourself, cook for yourself only, wash only your clothes, take only your clothes to the dry cleaners, etc. Until he starts pulling his weight he can look after himself!

I think you have set yourself up for this, he doesn't know what to do or think of things like cleaning because you have always done everything. It will take quite a long time before he thinks for himself on this subject.

I think you should defiantley do a rota now, don't be too harsh on him he's not going to be up to your standards when he has a go at his jobs, because you have always done everything.

Abigail - its not about whether your male or female it is about being fair to your partner. If your man went out and worked all day and you didn't work then it's only right that you would do some jobs around the house isn't it? Or am I missing the point?