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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH says I've made him unhappy for 2yrs

93 replies

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 17:56

and that he doesn't feel he can carry on. He says that he's tried to change me and I never never listen. Two ds's 18mnths apart meant that I was constantly busy as SAHM and now he says he felt left out as I did everything!!!! Emigrated to US with him and now the ds's have settled looks like if he won't go for counselling we'll be heading back to UK and single parenthood!! Just looking for friendly voices as feeling very very low. PS found out he'd been having an affair with new colleague here just after we arrived and that was all my fault too.

OP posts:

mousiemousie · 11/02/2006 18:01

OMG! You have been through a lot with 2 children and the move to the US, not suprised it hasn't been plain sailing.

Sounds to me as though it is time for you both to think about working together to improve things.

SHHHH · 11/02/2006 18:04

imo you are not at fault...in fact reading this thread I am [shocked]...

You emigrated to US, as you were a sahm surely this means you emigrated to further his carerr or your life etc...Mmm sounds like you have done alot to keep your family going but he on the otherhand ....

I have a friend in exactly the same situation, she emigrated only to come back to the uk with their dd for a hol..when he joined her she told him basically it was over... He had no idea as he was so self obsessed. He's returned alone and things are being sorted between the 2 of them. IMHO she did really well deciding to leave and from what I have heard she didn't have the best of times there as a sahm.

Friends feel she should have worked etc but as a sahm myself I don't see why..! unless she wanted to. She defo shouldn't have done it to keep him iykwim..Sorry I am rambiling but trying to let you know others have been through this and it will get better.

What are you wanting to do>?

Original poster

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 18:12

TBH he's said some really horrible things to me, I'm too opiniated, too strict with the kids. And the fact that he had an affair with fifty yr old makes me feel C**p as you can imagine. I've turned 40 last year. Yep we moved for his career and it was our decision that i'd be SAHM. He then hated house we were in so heavily pregnant I agreed to move as he gave me the silent treatment to a horrible area where I made few friends. The he went off to US met this woman and everything changed. I feel so angry and hurt and feel that nothing I do is right anymore. He says I throw it all back in his face. ha ha did I have the affair. Too be honest right now I feel like running away home to my Mum

OP posts:

mousiemousie · 11/02/2006 18:13

maybe you should go to your mums, take some time out and decide what you want to happen next

spacedonkey · 11/02/2006 18:16

I agree with mousiemousie. Take some time out at your mum's and think it over (it'll also force him to think about things).

He sounds like a complete shithead imo. Sorry!

Original poster

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 18:16

problem is two sick kids and a 9.5 hr transatlantic flight and then facing parents does not feel me with glee Boys love it so much here just wish he could see beyond the "you never never listen to me" phase. His last relationship before we got together finished after 10 yrs, we've been together 8 perhaps he just likes to be number one. It was the we never go out together you don't want to sleep with me. Yet he can't understand that having two 18mnths apart was beep hard work, plus living somewhere with no support was also factor

OP posts:

spacedonkey · 11/02/2006 18:20

Is he likely to take this situation seriously without drastic action (booting him out/leaving him)?

He sounds like a big baby and as such shock tactics will probably be required. Or at least deliver him an ultimatum.

He has no right to treat you this badly. None at all.

CarolinaMoon · 11/02/2006 18:22

He does sound like a total arse. You poor thing having to put up with all that . You've made so many changes to your life to suit him and this is how he repays you?

mousiemousie · 11/02/2006 18:23

Could you get some childcare so that you can go out together once or twice a week and you can also have some time to yourself?

expatinscotland · 11/02/2006 18:25

'YOU' never listen to me. 'YOU' are too opinionated. 'YOU' this, 'YOU' that.

Blaming you for everything.

Having an affair. I'm sure he somehow made that your fault as well.

Won't go for counselling.

Sounds like classic arsehole behaviour.

He can't carry on w/you? Then don't! Kick him the hell out!

Really, what a load of bullshit!

Honestly, you don't deserve or need this.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2006 18:26

Why mollycoddle him? C'mon, he's an adult, ffs! He willingly fathered two children. Now he's sulking b/c you didn't want to shag night and day or go out like a teenagers? I'd say he needs to grow up, but he never will.

Original poster

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 18:54

Thank you so much for all the support. Just spoken to my mum and length and if he's not prepared to go for counselling, oh apparently when he suggested it to me I said what about kids, babysit, would it work. But hey I'm used to that ,I'll run home to the UK. At least I'll have love and support there, hard as it'll be.

OP posts:

freeatlast · 11/02/2006 18:56

[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]

coppertop · 11/02/2006 18:57

How convenient it must be for him to go through life blaming everyone else for his own mistakes.

Best of luck to you, AP. xx

Original poster

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:02

Hey expat guess I might be soon an expatback At least I'd be able to meet up with all you great mnetters. Don't know what I'd have done without this forum, especially today.

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spacedonkey · 11/02/2006 19:03

Good luck AP ... let us know how it goes x

freeatlast · 11/02/2006 19:03

your not alone hun

emily05 · 11/02/2006 19:03

alipiggie - I dont even know where to start! You poor thing. Just want to add my support and hugs. I hope that you are ok. Being a sahm is hard work and I have my hands full with one - let alone 2 18months apart!
He sounds like an arse

Original poster

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:04

I'll keep you all posted. Kids now demanding the pc so will sign off for now.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 11/02/2006 19:04

In the title of this thread you say DH says you've made him unhappy. Well imo other than in situations of abuse we are all largely responsible for our own happiness. He is blaming you for the demise of your relationship and thats both unfair and likely to be untrue. Stay strong!

mistressmiggins · 11/02/2006 19:36

God Alipiggie - you sound like me

he is blaming YOU for his affair
he is blaming YOU for NEGLECTING him to look after 2 BABIES

listen to expat - she says it how it is and to the point

listen to all those who say about responsible for our own happiness - if hes not happy in the marriage and goes off to have an affair, thats not exactly working on the marriage is it?

Do try counselling and if he wont go, go by yourself...

I really feel for you
xx

tribpot · 11/02/2006 19:39

How awful for you. What a complete tosser. You must feel very lonely and isolated out there, I know we have some US MNers (but the country is a rather large one I understand), hope you can maybe meet up with some sympathetic souls locally. Two under two and he expected you to have time to pander to him - git.

Original poster

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:40

Thanks MM I suggested that I go even if he won't he's thinking about it. Thinks that I had pnd after ds2, perhaps but living somewhere where you don't want to be with 2 small ds's doesn't help. he's hardly been around and I've become a strong single parent already so I'm not worried about that one. My Mum thinks he just wants the bachelor life and as I got too strong and independent that was that.

OP posts:

Janos · 11/02/2006 19:42

What a complete wanker Alipggie, I'm so sorry.

Beetroot · 11/02/2006 19:48

i would up and out tbh.

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