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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says I've made him unhappy for 2yrs

93 replies

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 17:56

and that he doesn't feel he can carry on. He says that he's tried to change me and I never never listen. Two ds's 18mnths apart meant that I was constantly busy as SAHM and now he says he felt left out as I did everything!!!! Emigrated to US with him and now the ds's have settled looks like if he won't go for counselling we'll be heading back to UK and single parenthood!! Just looking for friendly voices as feeling very very low. PS found out he'd been having an affair with new colleague here just after we arrived and that was all my fault too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:49

Thanks Janos. Beginning to think the same myself. Was a relief talking to my mum to be honest. I might be 40 and a mum but there's nothing quite like talking to someone when you're down and mum and I have always been really close, thank goodness

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Original poster
Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:50

Beetroot, the ds's are sick and some I'm to be honest, the flu bug although recovering a flight is not what we all need right now, maybe in a week when i can arrange to ship some stuff over. Then start again in a new life

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Original poster
Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:51

meant so am I :0 can't even type now

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expatinscotland · 11/02/2006 19:52

Ali
Being parents ourselves, I don't think there's any among us who wouldn't always support our kids - be they 4 or 40!

I'm glad you're looking forward to coming home and getting some support.

Beetroot · 11/02/2006 19:53

i don't mena book yourslef on thenext flight. I would have a break, in fa week or so go stay with your mum for a couple of weeks. Then you can both make some decisions about the future

Original poster
Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:54

Beetroot good advice and I think I'll follow it.

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Original poster
Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:55

Ds's demanding attention to play snap. so better go and be a dutiful mummy. They're wonderful and keeping me going and strong right now. They're a blessing and I just hope I don't let them down

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mistressmiggins · 11/02/2006 20:15

AND I have to say that although I am obviously devastated at my situation, I have come to realise that we are actually HAPPIER without daddy as we now play, make cakes etc and just relax at weekends

when H was here, I resented the fact he ignored the kids, sat reading the paper, seemed to find us all a burden.

now we just get on with things....I just need a kick up the backside that its not all my fault and need some self appreciation

go for counselling - I find it absolutely necessary for my recovery

Original poster
Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 20:38

MM from what you say it all sounds far too familiar. I must be in the same situation as you were and when I suggested last night that why can't we do things as a family he said you never said. ha ha and I don't listen. Yep he's not here right now and as usual in the state I'm in it's me with the ds's. And he wonders why i'm opiniated.

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 11/02/2006 20:54

life is cr'p by yourself
life is hard by yourslef

BUT as some wise lady on MN said

"better to walk alone than BADLY accompanied"

how true

CAT me if you want a chat

I DO understand

Original poster
Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 21:16

Will CAT you but he's back right now. Cut tension in air with knife lol. He thinks i'm all me me me. Yet I've gone along with everything he's wanted to do, including moving here If only I'd looked at the text on the mobile he gave me would have found out much sooner what was going on and probably wouldn't be here on my own now. Life's a you know what isn't it sometimes. I deserve to be happy and if he doesn't believe a word i say what hope is there of anything positive in the future.

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mistressmiggins · 11/02/2006 21:23

you sound like me in which case you may even believe it IS your fault

it isnt

like I said, listen to people like expat

I am going to counselling and starting to realise that an affair ISNT 100% my fault - yes maybe your marriage wasnt brilliant BUT your H chose to look elsewhere rather than tackle the problem

you sound far from self-obsessed - rather unable to look at your self-worth at all....DONT let him drag you down - you CAN manage without him

mandieb · 11/02/2006 22:51

What a wanker

expatinscotland · 11/02/2006 22:57

How can he say you're all 'me, me, me' when in the next instance he accuses you of devoting too much of yourself to your kids?

And how can he not believe a word you say when he's the one who lied to you by having an affair?

You see? Aside from being a wanker, that just doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor, b/c if anything he/she will help you get a more objective view of this relationship and that in turn can help you make a decision with a different perspective in mind.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2006 23:00

And I like how he blames you for his unhappiness. Gees, you can't put a foot right, can you, Ali?

Only YOU can make yourself happy. As you well know.

But blaming someone else for all their own cock ups? That's emotional abuse. Been there, bought the tshirt.

pooka · 11/02/2006 23:06

He sounds like an absolute arse. Glad you got valuable support from your dm and other posters here make huge sense.

MeerkatsUnite · 12/02/2006 07:58

Ali,

Blaming you for everything is his way of absolving all responsibility for his actions. What you have described re him are all classic controlling/abusive behaviours.

Original poster
Alipiggie · 12/02/2006 20:59

Well update for all you good people. Told him last night spoken to mum, so he slept in spare room and this morning after he'd cancelled his mum's trip he told me he'd be booking me a flight to the UK. So guess that's it. 9nearly 10 yrs down the tube so to speak but hey the kids prove it wasn't all bad. So spoken to parents and now starting to think of practicals ds's don't really understand 4 and 2 so bit small. Sorted out what I need to take from here in terms of paperwork etc and will ups stuff on to UK. So you'll all be hearing lots more from me no doubt in the coming days/weeks/months. Thanks for now for all the support

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LoveMyGirls · 12/02/2006 21:08

good for you good luck to your new happier life i hope it goes well!!!

Original poster
Alipiggie · 12/02/2006 21:31

Thanks for that. Decided my happiness is more important than apologising for making him unhappy since ds2 was born. Life begins at 40 so they say,so here I go

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benbenandme · 12/02/2006 21:33

Good luck !!! Whereabouts in UK will you be??

Original poster
Alipiggie · 12/02/2006 21:39

To start with, back with m & d in Rugby warwickshire. Guess I"ll look at staying in that area for support network. But it'll be case of where I can get good job and I've been 4yrs out of the market. So here goes, better start polishing the CV. At least ds1 will start school in Sept so that'll be just childcare for ds2. What a shock for them that'll be and me too.

OP posts:
Janos · 12/02/2006 22:06

Just checked in to see how you are doing Alipggies, and glad you have so much support from your family. That will all the difference. Good luck to yo

Janos · 12/02/2006 22:07

Sorry...that will make all the difference!

Beetroot · 12/02/2006 22:08

ali, i went to school in Rugby.

How old are lyou?