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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have made a desicion ????

76 replies

nutcracker · 10/02/2006 08:46

I know nobody will think it is a good idea but let me explain.

I have told XP he can move back in here until he finds somewhere to go. I will help him apply for housing with anyone and everyone.

I know you are all going to be shouting NO NO NO at the screen right now but I just cannot stand by and watch his family destroy him. 3 seperate memebers of his family rang him yesterday ranting and raving at him, calling him for everything and basically saying that unless he does as he's told they will not help him and he cannot use the flat he is staying in now.

His family are truley awful, and before this he had had no contact with them for about 4 years.
If he stays there they will control his life forever and he will end up topping himself.

I know I am not responsible for him, but I am responsible for my kids, and do not want to watch them crying at his funeral because his family bullied him to death and i didn't help him.

At least whilst he is here I can take over the applying for housing stuff which is better because I know more about it than him and can push harder than he can.

I know it will be hard, i feel like i have taken 1000 steps backwards, but it's not all just about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 08:46

don't know why i've put question marks in the title

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 10/02/2006 08:47

I think the question marks are freudian NC...

harpsichordcarrier · 10/02/2006 08:49

nutcracker - I don't know why he is your ex IYSWIM but on the face of it I absolutely understand your decision
if he is the father of your children then you have some sort of responsibility to him and as a fellow human being
and presumably you loved him once
but you must look after yourself too xx

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 08:49

Yes quite, but like I said, I know from first hand how nasty and evil his family are and they will push him to the limit.

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 10/02/2006 08:50

Oh dear.. don't you think the suicide threat is just a way of controlling you NC?

Surely this is about you.. the idea of him moving back seems 'not right'....

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 08:50

Thanks harpsicord, you are right i did love him once and i cannot as a human being stand by and watch them destroy him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 08:51

No he hasn't mentioned suicide at all, but i can tell from talking to him that his family are pushing all the wrong buttons.

When we talk he is fine, friendly, we discuss what he needs to do etc, but when they get hold of him he disloves.

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 10/02/2006 08:51

Is they no friend he could stay with? I completely the understand the need to be able to 'be there' for him.. but feel (IMHO) that it should be as a 'background' supporter.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 08:56

He has no friends.

I fully unnderstand why everyone thinks this is a bad idea, and i know my family won't be thrilled either but the way I see it, if he stays at the flat and his family control him the whole thing will be alot worse because they will be telling him what to do.

Without then we get on quite amicably and i'm sure we can get things sorted much quicker.

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 10/02/2006 09:04

((HC))

I too have done things that are completely the opposite of what everyone who cares about me thinks is for the best.. and it hasn't always worked out to be the wrong move.

I hope this is one of those situations for you.

SJ x

Freckle · 10/02/2006 09:05

By letting him move back in, you will actually be making it harder for him to get housing. He could register himself as homeless, but, if he's living with you, he can't. Then, once he's home again, you may find you have a terribly hard job getting him out and what will the children think? One minute their dad is there, the next he isn't, then he's back again and eventually (possibly) he'll be gone.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:07

He will get points for breakdown of relationship, and his gp is willing to write a letter stating that his living arrangemetns are making him ill, in which case he will get prioity points and be at the top of the list.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:09

We are going to fully explain to the kids what is going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:09

I'd rather explain this to them, than the alternative.

OP posts:
Freckle · 10/02/2006 09:10

But not if he moves back with you. If he's moved out, he can claim homelessness status on the grounds that his living arrangements were making him ill. What will the authorities think if they then see him moving back in? They can claim that he chose to put himself in that position. And you know how slippery these authorities can be.

Freckle · 10/02/2006 09:11

I'm not questioning your decision. Just trying to point out the potential disadvantages to him if you proceed with your plan.

Could he not block his family's telephone numbers?

FioFio · 10/02/2006 09:11

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Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:16

He can get the points for his housing making him ill if he is here, we got them when we were in the flat.

His son and daughter don't have places of their own no.

He can't block his families numbers because the flat he is in is theirs.

OP posts:
FioFio · 10/02/2006 09:18

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Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:21

It's not impulsive, have thought about nothing else all night.

I know he is old enough to stand on his own 2 feet, but then I also know that his family will not let him sort this out amicably either.

They have already threatened him because they think he is hiding things from them.

OP posts:
Freckle · 10/02/2006 09:37

Then can he not sort out his housing without relying on his family? Does he work? Can he not rent privately?

He could do B&B in the short-term or get a room in a house.

It just strikes me that it took an awfully long time and a lot of courage on your part to get to where you are and you are potentially putting yourself back where you were.

SleepyJess · 10/02/2006 09:37

Could you not speak directly to them about the situation? I imagine this might not be easy.. but you could maybe adopt a really calm attitude and make them hear a few home truths for the 'good of their son/family member' etc.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:48

He has been signed off work sick, and will only be getting Stat sick pay which is £50 odd i think.

I cannot speak to his family no they would probably beat the crap out of me on sight.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 10/02/2006 09:49

Nutty, I had no idea that you and your P had split.

FWIW, I can see both sides of this argument. Yes, your exP is nearly 50, he should be able to sort his own life out and having him living with you again will delay his re-housing (he won't be seen as a priority, afaik), and also could potentially cause tensions between the 2 of you that kids will also be exposed to. But I can also see that you feel the need to help him out, because despite all that has happened, he is still the father of your kids and you do still have a fondness for him.

I'm not sure that there is a 'right answer' here, there are pros & cons to both sides. I think you have to find a way that is best for all 5 of you. Good luck, nutty.

FioFio · 10/02/2006 09:49

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