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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have made a desicion ????

76 replies

nutcracker · 10/02/2006 08:46

I know nobody will think it is a good idea but let me explain.

I have told XP he can move back in here until he finds somewhere to go. I will help him apply for housing with anyone and everyone.

I know you are all going to be shouting NO NO NO at the screen right now but I just cannot stand by and watch his family destroy him. 3 seperate memebers of his family rang him yesterday ranting and raving at him, calling him for everything and basically saying that unless he does as he's told they will not help him and he cannot use the flat he is staying in now.

His family are truley awful, and before this he had had no contact with them for about 4 years.
If he stays there they will control his life forever and he will end up topping himself.

I know I am not responsible for him, but I am responsible for my kids, and do not want to watch them crying at his funeral because his family bullied him to death and i didn't help him.

At least whilst he is here I can take over the applying for housing stuff which is better because I know more about it than him and can push harder than he can.

I know it will be hard, i feel like i have taken 1000 steps backwards, but it's not all just about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:50

If he can get medical priority points for depression he will get 1000 points which places you at the top of the list.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:51

Don't know about that Fio.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 09:52

He won't be seen as prioity just on the basis of the relationship breakdown no, he has to get the medical points for that.

OP posts:
FioFio · 10/02/2006 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

rickman · 10/02/2006 10:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 10:04

I undertsand that Rickman but did you have your family threatening to beat you up if you didn't do what they said ??

OP posts:
rickman · 10/02/2006 10:07

Message withdrawn

FioFio · 10/02/2006 10:09

This reply has been deleted

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Freckle · 10/02/2006 10:12

Are you absolutely sure they will beat him up? Or is this just his fear because they are known to be that way inclined? Have they beaten him up before?

He should report them. They will throw him out of the flat. He can then register as homeless and, with his medical points, get housed as an emergency.

tiredemma · 10/02/2006 10:12

have they really threatened him, or is he just saying that to gain sympathy?
He should really be able to sort himself out nutty, you are not his mom.

anorak · 10/02/2006 10:12

I'm sorry nutty but I agree with fio. You can't look after everyone, you are only one person and have your kids to look after solo.

Surely a lone able-bodied man can make his way in the world without assistance from a single mum of 3?

We are just worried that he is going to see it as an opening back in and go back to his old ways.

freshstart · 10/02/2006 10:13

What will you tell the children?

We said daddys going which he still is but is coming back for a little while but then will go again.

I think for their sakes he shouldnt come back

ponygirl · 10/02/2006 10:44

Nutty, I think it's lovely of you to think like this, but I think it's a big mistake. I do believe that he will see it as the door being opened for him and he won't believe that it's not permanent. And would you have the strength to make the break again? And for the children: even if it he does leave again, I think that it will be heartbreaking for them. Whatever you explain to them, they will see that Daddy is moving back in. Seeing him go again would be awful for them. Please don't do this. He really should be able to sort this out for himself. Surely the fact that he can't underlines all the problems with why you kicked him out in the first place?

LadyTophamHatt · 10/02/2006 10:49

oh nutty, in the long run it is your descision but I have to agree with other in that I think it's only going to make it even more difficult for you, the children and him to move on.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 11:07

I am absolutly sure they will beat him up yes they are psychos.

OP posts:
freshstart · 10/02/2006 11:11

why will they beat him up ? I dont get it

Why will they not beat him up if he is with you?

If the threat of violence is very real why doesnt he contact the police and see about getting some sort of injuction out against them?

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 11:14

As far as I undertsand it they have a plan, which is to physically remove me from the house. Xp won't go along with their plan and so they threatened to beat him up because of this and the fact he hasn't spoken to them for years.

Xp has taken the kids out today but his db and dad are right round the corner at this very mo as they told him they were coming down to the flat today.
I am now sat here with my phone glued to me incase i need to ring the police. Have already had 2 phonecalls today where they hang up when i answer, numbers are withheld.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/02/2006 11:14

He's 48, has no friends, wrecks of relationships, and can't seem to sort out one of the most basic things in life - shelter.

Yeah, I'd really want that kind of influence around my kids . . .

People make mistakes. We all do. What's important is to learn from those mistakes and move on by not repeating them. It's the hallmark of maturity.

freshstart · 10/02/2006 11:15

this is a horrendous situation all round

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 11:15

Never have i said he is a crap dad so why be so offensive.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 10/02/2006 11:17

I cant understand exactly what business it is of his families anyway? if he was pro-active in trying to sort his own life out, then he wouldnt need to stay in their flat, and wouldnt need contact with them.

if he went to the council today with a letter from his doctor describing his mental state of mind, there is no way that they would turn him away without finding him sort of emergency accom.

i know that this must be really difficult for you nutty, but it will be a disater in the long term if you let him back.

freshstart · 10/02/2006 11:18

Think of all the relief mixed with turmoil you felt earlier this week when you finally plucked the nerver to kick him out. Remember having to sit down and talk to the kids about it. Your first night alone in the house etc

Your going to have do all of that again.

For him.

Yet when you split up his first thought was to try and prevent you getting money from him to support you and your kids.

Your a lovely, lovely person nutty yet he doesnt seem to hold you in the same high regard.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2006 11:18

Look it's fine forget about it. I should have know that you only get support form MN when you are doing what they think is right.

OP posts:
freshstart · 10/02/2006 11:22

nutcracker with all due respect Ive seen you do this before if the majority dont agree with you you say it doesnt matter.

Just because we dont agree doesnt mean the support isnt there. It is because of the support and concern mumsnetters have for you we are urging you to think carefully about this step.

It goes without saying whatever you decide you will be supported.

Think about what you would advise a friend to do in the same circumstances.

anorak · 10/02/2006 11:23

You still have my support whatever you do. I understand that you're behaving in a caring and decent way. I hope your DP doesn't take advantage of that and that your extending the hand of friendship to him works well.

Most people would support you anyway, I think, but you can't expect them not to say something if they think you might get hurt. They're only trying to look out for you. x