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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with a married man?

87 replies

Scowlett · 20/04/2012 22:25

...it's a bit weird as it isn't anything, but it is.

I didn't think he would be capable of anything in that way, I thought he was non-threatening, so hoped he would be a good mentor as he was such a good family man so started deferring questions to him.
I was really shocked when someone he works with said he gets excited about me - not a shit stirrer, he was trying to warn me. So I backed off from then but because I am sometimes sexually interested in this man I do find it difficult. He did once almost kiss me in work and I backed off so obviously didn't happen. It's not an EA, we certainly don't like each other in that way. I really don't understand this.

OP posts:

oikopolis · 20/04/2012 22:27

i'm confused. are you attracted to this man or not? i.e. are you welcoming his advances, or what exactly?

also: have you been the victim of abuse in the past? perhaps as a child? you don't have to answer that of course - i'm just getting the impression you have significant boundary issues.

FruitPastillesForever · 20/04/2012 22:30

You do sound confused. It sounds to me like he finds you sexually attractive, however, he's married...

AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 22:33

are you asking the question in your title ?

the answer is no

the rest of your post is difficult to make sense of

it's quite easy for me to translate it for you though...stay the fuck away from him

izzyizin · 20/04/2012 22:34

How do you know this man? Do you work with him?

myrubicon · 20/04/2012 22:35

No. Just no.

Lovetats · 20/04/2012 22:38

It will end in tears. Yours probably. If that's what you're asking, I'm not altogether sure...

likeatonneofbricks · 20/04/2012 22:40

whta does it mean 'I'm sometimes interested sexually in this man' - and at other times you are not?

Original poster

Scowlett · 20/04/2012 22:40

i really wanted a safe mentor, that's why I started going to him, I am surprised he read more into it.

But I have gone through a major bereavement the past few months and since he's got a bit full on (he gets quite possessive, sometimes raises his voice) and i am very confused. i have backed off as he's married and I have never done anything like that, can't believe he would, and don't want to hurt anyone.

Utterly nothing has happened physically (apart from me leaning away when he has pushed me over in the car) and the one thing I am sure of is that there is no EA.

But I do sometimes think it would be great sexually.

OP posts:

nkf · 20/04/2012 22:42

What a load of cobblers. Who has time for such stuff? Stay away from him. He sounds like a creep.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 22:43

is English your second (or third) language ?

AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 22:44

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izzyizin · 20/04/2012 22:46

You know he's not a 'safe' mentor and all you have to do is stop going to him.

Do you plan to stop?

oikopolis · 20/04/2012 22:46

in that case, do everything you can to get away from this man. in your last post alone, there are several large, glaring red flags.

i'm sorry to hear of your bereavement. i mean this with compassion: concentrate on recovering from that and caring for yourself, and distance yourself from him ASAP. he is sniffing around for some sort of twisted affair where you become dependent on him and he controls you.

a married man who becomes possessive and weirdly sexual when a woman is going through significant emotional difficulties is not the sort of man you are safe around, emotionally if not otherwise.

Original poster

Scowlett · 20/04/2012 22:49

Sorry AF, i am Iiinggglllish, I am obviously not explaining it well! It's a weird situation. Summary is that he is 15 years older than me, I work with him, he hired me, some of the other managers were pervy but he is married and I had thought very encouraging (work-wise), so I went to him over a period of a few months to ask queries as I had thought he would help me. He changed and I was a bit slow to pick up on it but someone who has worked with him for 20 years pointed it out to me. i really hadn't realised he might have read more into it.

But I suppose sometimes it would be a nice escape from my current grieving, if that makes sense. i don't know why I sometimes think that, it doesn't make sense to me.

OP posts:

nkf · 20/04/2012 22:51

You're vulnerable and he's taking advantage. He's married. Honestly, you need to stay away from him and concentrate on recovering from your grief. Don't post about him in relationships. Post about your bereavement with people who will understand. Some people are vultures. He sounds like one.

Smellslikecatspee · 20/04/2012 22:54

Walk, run away now!

I get what you're saying, thinking that as he was married that he would be 'safe'.

He's clearly not, safe I mean, he is a MARRIED man who had tried to kiss you, who knows that you are in a bad place,who seems to have said something if others are warning you off.

You say he's possessive, gets verbally loud, invades your personal space. There are so many red flags here it should be crimson.

Just think if he's treating you like this, how horrible he must be to his wife. . .

Original poster

Scowlett · 20/04/2012 22:54

Yes I stopped going to him when I realised he might want more.

I am a bit hurt by AF saying I am a creep? I might not be a perfect person but I am not creeping on him, I'm trying to avoid him. I just don't understand why this all happened and I would rather it hadn't.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 20/04/2012 22:55

Trust me on this - trying to get over a major bereavement by having a shag with a married man will make you feel infinitely worse than you do now and will also prolong your grieving.

Honour the memory of your lo by behaving honourably and having nothing more to do with this man other than is strictly necessary in the normal course of your work.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 22:56

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AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 22:58

you are hurt by my comment ?

what do you think his wife and kids would think about you ?

izzyizin · 20/04/2012 22:59

The reason why it's happened is that he's a predator and predators always search out the weak and wounded because they're an easy kill.

LeBOF · 20/04/2012 23:00

What does pushing you over in the car mean?

nkf · 20/04/2012 23:04

That's what I wondered, LeBof.
Dear OP, you will get lots of cross and stern posts if you post something like this. But really, you are not in a good place and you should avoid him and get help for you. He does sound like a predator. You've been warned by a colleague, you've been warned by random strangers on here. You don't sound strong to be honest. You sound as if you need some help. And that help is out there. I think there is an organisation - cruse maybe - who help bereaved people. And I know that the Samaritans can be fantastic.

Original poster

Scowlett · 20/04/2012 23:05

AF, no, but, sometimes you reach out to strangers when you can't discuss it in reality.

i have never hurt another woman in that way and realise he is being inappropriate. I would have liked to discuss irrational feelings of this nature, not garner ill-advised advice (because it's bleedin' obvious) such as 'don't shag him'. I haven't, I won't, I thought this would be a 'safe' place to admit things that I might not talk about to my friends. I am not perfect at all and yes sometimes I do want to do things which are detrimental to society.

Of course I know I'm attracted to him, it's a surprise, I'm vulnerable et cetera and in discussing it in a way it is 'living' it. I would have taken it further if i was a horrible little girl as you seem to put it, I think I'm not doing too badly after my world has collapsed

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/04/2012 23:11

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