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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship with a married man?

87 replies

Scowlett · 20/04/2012 22:25

...it's a bit weird as it isn't anything, but it is.

I didn't think he would be capable of anything in that way, I thought he was non-threatening, so hoped he would be a good mentor as he was such a good family man so started deferring questions to him.
I was really shocked when someone he works with said he gets excited about me - not a shit stirrer, he was trying to warn me. So I backed off from then but because I am sometimes sexually interested in this man I do find it difficult. He did once almost kiss me in work and I backed off so obviously didn't happen. It's not an EA, we certainly don't like each other in that way. I really don't understand this.

OP posts:
EchoBitch · 20/04/2012 23:34

Why thank yooo Autumn..Smile

Would be rude not to.Grin

springydaffs · 20/04/2012 23:35

it's a shame you posted on friday night and got some wanky replies

You are very vulnerable at the moment and this creep has taken advantage of you. apparently, it's tempting to shag somebody senseless when you're grieving and I expect that is the reason you feel 'attracted' to him. You say you never would and I believe you. iiwy I wouldn't even entertain the idea in your head as he sounds like a sleazeball shit. Not only is he perving after you when you are clearly vulnerable, he is disrespecting his wife and family.

I'm sorry that the person you turned to when you were really down has turned out to be totally unsafe and totally unreliable. I hope some decent people beat a path to your door soon sweetheart.

EchoBitch · 20/04/2012 23:36

Seriously,may i ask your age?

Don't mean to be rude BTW.

likeatonneofbricks · 20/04/2012 23:36

OP means that he was leaning trying to get close or kiss her - aer some of he posters drunk??
OP, yes, you can be irrationally attracted by someone especially if you admire them, but so what? it happens and as a grown up you just find distractions and ignore it. You can fantasise if it helps, but try to meet an attractive man instead.

likeatonneofbricks · 20/04/2012 23:36

*the posters

LeBOF · 20/04/2012 23:42

I am trying to ascertain what the leaning was about- pretending or actually reaching for something? Or straight-forwardly making a pass?

I'm not drunk, thanks.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 20/04/2012 23:42

Well your post says ' Relationship With A Married Man ' . If that's what you are contemplating then I would rather people like you didn't exist .

garlicnutter · 20/04/2012 23:43

Sorry, darling, he hasn't "read more into" your perfectly reasonable approaches to ask advice from a senior at work. What he has done is seen a vulnerable young woman, who is scared of doing the wrong thing (scared of upsetting people?) and has crassly taken advantage of her. Even without shoving for a kiss and shouting, he's a nasty little predator. Given that he's done those things too, he's a nasty dangerous little predator.

It's quite possible you sometimes feel sexually attracted to him because you are vulnerable and you've got it into your head that he has a special place for you in his heart. He hasn't. His heart is a cold and ugly little thing.

Stop seeing him as any kind of saviour - or deserving of any select treatment at all - and start seeing him for what he is: a lecherous user just like the others.

It might be wise to start setting out your lines for another job.

I do hope you feel better soon. All the best.

Original poster
Scowlett · 20/04/2012 23:44

Springdaffs, you nearly made me cry, thank you; I wanted to talk about the shit irrational thoughts that I've had. I'll leave this here now but thanks to those who gave some enlightenment

OP posts:
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 20/04/2012 23:45

And yes you might be grieving but you are still responsible for your own behaviour .
There are lots of people who are grieving who dont fantasise about married men.
It seems like you are using your grief to excuse your behaviour ...

Original poster
Scowlett · 20/04/2012 23:47

NannyPlum, don't be daft, i was questioning my relationship with a married man. They have relationships with everyone they interact with outside marriage, the title in itself was not meant to be inciting and shouldn't be taken as such.

Garlic, you're brilliant, I love you! xx

OP posts:
garlicnutter · 20/04/2012 23:48

Thank you :) I've just read Springy's reply, too. Let's love each other and leave sleazeballs out of it, eh.

Grin
Original poster
Scowlett · 20/04/2012 23:58

Aww garlic (and springydaffs) I reiterate that your support has been wonderful, it's so nice to acknowledge the shit side of myself (that I have never and never would act on!!) and not get jumped on as if i'd actually done it.

Have a lovely weekend
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/04/2012 00:00
EchoBitch · 21/04/2012 00:09

And they all lived happily ever after. Wink

Original poster
Scowlett · 21/04/2012 00:12

Ever after, ever after (well there was an echo)

OP posts:
Inadeeptrance · 21/04/2012 01:51

What's with all the weirdness on this thread? confused]

OP I understand why you are flattered and excited by the attention. I was in a similar position once. I was extremely vulnerable at the time, and he was also much older, and married.

It's only with the benefit of hindsight I saw him for the predatory wanker he was.

This man is dangerous, emotionally at the very least. I would take a massive step back and realise what he's doing by messing with your head like this, especially after you went to him for help.

He is a Grade A twat, set your sights much, much higher.

ninah · 21/04/2012 01:54

married = off limits. It's as simple as that. Don't be tacky.

landphil · 21/04/2012 01:57

he's neither
safe
nor
Mentor

SaraBellumHertz · 21/04/2012 06:28

I'm confused as to why the OP is getting a hard time- perhaps the vitriol would be better directed to the creepy vulture of a man who is targeting a vulnerable woman whom he line manages. But I guess that doesn't fit with the naive belief that so many here hang on to that is was a nasty predatory bitch that stole their man and if only she hadn't existed all would be rosy.

OP you have clearly suffered a difficult time. Suffering panic attacks as a result of a bereavement must be debilitating and I can understand why you wanted to put your trust in someone "safe" I am sorry this man betrayed you.

Years ago I suffered a bereavement that left me realing and bewildered. A man I had always thought of as a friend took it as an opportunity to come on to me. It was a horrid time: I questioned myself constantly and was confused by my feelings towards him also. It is only with the hindsight of years that I can see that he behaved in a horribly predatory way in his attempts to take advantage of my then very fragile and vulnerable self.

Grief does strange things to your mind and there is I believe a tendency for the mind to seek out whatever pleasure it can get. Your sane self knows that sex with anyone outside a relationship is bad news at this point in your life
but it doesn't stop the grieving part craving something that will temporarily numb the pain.

Concentrate on healing yourself, recognise the man as the creep that he is and start looking for another job.

Flightty · 21/04/2012 07:57

I think she got a hard time because no one could understand what she was on about for roughly 60 posts...I still don't really.

sternface · 21/04/2012 09:18

OP what should be staring you in the face is that you'd never felt any sexual interest in this wanker at all until you thought he was interested in you. So you need to regroup and realise that because you're in a bad place right now after all that's happened, you're making the classic mistake of convincing yourself you have feelings for someone just because they feel something for you. Value yourself more highly than that and try to get to a place where you don't feel compelled to fancy someone just because he fancies you. When you get there, you'll look back and slap yourself that you ever gave him headspace.

AutumnSummers · 21/04/2012 09:58

What Stern said.

Woth regard to your lack of ability to read body language. Are you just as bad as reading negative body language? Like if someone's body language was negative or aggressive would you be able to tell? Cause if not, I'm actually a little worried that you might not even perceive a threat if this man (or any other.) was to become a threat. How can you protect yourself if you're not even aware that you are in danger?

I'm really not trying to mean, I'm genuinely worried about this. I know I gave you a biscuit last night but I was a bit tipsy and I don't react well to peopole appearing flippant about starting a relationship with someone else's Husband.

AutumnSummers · 21/04/2012 10:00

*I'm really not trying to be mean.

Abitwobblynow · 21/04/2012 11:37

Scowlett, on another thread on MN some poor bewildered wife is posting 'DH being very strange' [because he is completely fantasising about fucking you].

How I remember that awful time, without having a CLUE what it meant... unlike you, who has a shred of decency, she was loving the attention, signalling availablity batting her eyes and winking her ___ and it happened.

Next time, quietly ask him why he is being so disloyal to his family. See what he does.

Thank your work colleague. For warning you and saving you.

As to the attraction: FORBIDDEN is always very exciting.