Advice needed ex does not want to pay child support anymore because he does not want to be a dad anymore

[savannasmum]

Long story short

When I found out I was pregnant my ex made it clear he did not want a child, ( we were together at the time) I did, so I went ahead with it. I did not ask him for anything. When she was about one he started to take an interest in her. He worked away a lot so he rang her every week, came home to visit her every 6 weeks and paid child support.

About a year ago he met someone, quit his job and moved in with her. He stop calling or visiting our daughter, he stopped paying child support (she was 5 by this time). I rang the CSA, needless to say he threatened me everything, he eventually agreed to 20pounds a week once he got a job if I cancelled the CSA . Which I did. He has now moved closer to me (about 10mins up the road). He has seen our daughter about 3times this year.

Here is the bit I need advice on he now has a job but refuses point blank to pay child support as, and I quote ? why should I pay or something that I didn?t want in the first place and that I don?t have any feeling for ( meaning our daughter) and that I don?t want in my life, am not paying for your mistake?.

Now do I ring the CSA again or not as he did make it clear that he did not want a child in the first place but then again he has played daddy for the last few years. He is trying to guilt me into not calling them, saying it was my mistake, iv ruined is life, so on and am starting to believe he is right.

Is he right or am I been brainwashed?

Sorry it?s not so short but any advice would be greatly received.

I'm with spring and others.

If you don't need the money then don't ask for it. Better to be free of him completely.

My Ex was like this, he left and never wanted contact. I did try, but he used to promise to come and never turn up. Given his attitude to our DCs, whilst poorer, having him out of our lives was the best option.

MrMiyagi, if you read spark1's post of 21.43, you'll see it doesn't make sense. He quotes a poster and then says it's a misconception, but doesn't say what. The quote doesn't say anything misconceived at all.

Then he brings up the issue of more women than men not coughing up the dough for their children. Apropos of what? I thought. It was this that got me and another poster rather

He is totally wrong.

Put it this way, if you were driving without due care and attention and crashed into someone, their car is write off would you expect to pay for their car? You didn't want to crash, you never intended to crash, you wish you hadn't crashed but you have created a situation you are responsable for so you pay.

I really really hope you will be strong and not one of these mums that clings on to a shred of hope that one day he might want to act like a dad again. U owe it to ur daughter to not see that man again after what he has said. Protect her from him cause if u don't she's going to grow up confused and to feel rejected.

Call CSA, but also,keep a record of what he has said, so you can use it against him if he tries to get contact etc again.

I believe the two facts: a) that children can be concieved regardless of what form of contraception you use; and b) that you have an ongoing financial responsibility for any children you create; should be taught in school. Although I do point out to my kids the former (a lot of their friends were "accidental" ). I do also try to make sure they realise the second point too.

He is a scumbag

Contact the csa pronto.

Sparks1
That may be true- but it is proportionate- far far more nrps are men, so even if 75% of nrms refuse to pay Cs where 50% of nrfs do, the 50% of men is a far bigger number than the 75% of women.

Thanks Bambino81
Am i not hanging on to any hope. I always said to him if he wanted to see her that was fine, if he did not want to that was fine aswell, but i would not stand for him hoping in and out when he had nothing better to do. I think no matter what i do ill get grive for it. Think he just after a reaction from me, so ill tell him to stay away because thats what he wants, he just ant the balls to say it. So if i say it, he can blame me for that to.

Thanks for the comments they are very helpul.

I'd also move if you possibly can. Get right out of his orbit, dont let him know where you live.

I'm going against the tide here.

If you can manage without the money I'd cut him out completely. Otherwise you run the risk of him being around, visiting, possibly demanding his access and maybe spouting his foul thoughts to your dd directly.

It would be better for her to know he just went rather than the agony of repeated rejection and trying to get him to engage properly with her.

Good riddance I say. He also sounds spiteful enough to make your lives difficult if he still has ties. Get rid and be free.

call the CSA.

I was in your situation, I was given the choice of him or the baby, I kept the baby, he left, we have never heard from him again, apart from a few nasty facebook messages from his new wife.
He denies all knowledge of DS, he swears blind the he is not the father.
And I let him go because it made my life easier.

I wish I had made him take responsibility when I had the chance.
I don't need the money, it is just the principle of it.

To those who are saying, don't ask foot csa and get rid, I completely disagree. Contact and access are entirely separate issues. If he is a shit non paying father, he is not going to become dad of the year just because he is paying.

You owe it to your dd to get money that is rightfully hers. If you don't need it now then save it for her future.

Also as far as I know, if the csa is collecting maintenance from him you need have no contact with him and he won't even know your address.

My ex did exactly this. He said that he didnt want to be a father to the dc's (planned and wanted) anymore and refused to continue paying the £20 a week he had paid. His new G/F (now wife) hated my guts and actively encouraged him to dump both the kids.

So I went to CSA. And they (NOT ME) took him to cleaners. It turned out he had been earning £££££££ more than he admitted to me, and ended up with money being taken direct from his earnings. He went crackers at me, like it was my fault that he was being "fucked over", but as i pointed out, I was happy with £20 a week, it was him that decided to play silly buggers.

Go to the CSA, have no fear of this tosser. He will be a tosser regardless of what you do so you might aswell make sure he pays up to support his DD, atleast that way she gets something out of it. and actually, by standing up to him, he is less likely to be a tosser again for fear of what you will do next!

CSA him! Sex = babies if he doesn't wear a condom, his choice, so he faces consequences!

I'm sorry you and daughter have to put up with his vile comments x

Sparks - why would mothers not paying childsupport make it ok for men not to pay child support? I really do'nt see the logic that because some non-resident parents don't pay child support that makes it ok for all non-resident parents to not to pay child support if they choose? Why should anyone get away with not financially supporting their DC if they can?

You can't just stop being a parent when you fancy it, just because the other parent can cope without you doesn't mean you get to stop being responsible.

Also, I think it feeds the excuses - "Why don't you see your children?" "oh, my ex won't let me." "Do you pay any maintenance?" "oh, my ex doesn't need it. She doesn't want me to be part of my child's life." No excuses, he might chose not to see his DD, he doesn't get to forget she is alive, if the only way you get to remind him is that money coming out of his account, then that will have to do. What sort of crap human being would want to walk away from any contact or responsiblity for his own child?

As others have said, if you don't need it for day to day expenses, put it in an account for your DD's future, it's not like he's likely to offer money for uni when she's a teenager if he won't even pay for food while she's a small child.

I don't think this is a tricky issue at all. I'd go straight to the CSA and get what he owes to support his child. If you don't need the money, then pop it in an account for your child.

PAYING also does not equal access. Access is something an involved parent seeks because they want to be with their child. It's entirely independent of financial support.

I get really pissed off with people who think because they didn't want a child, they are somehow excused from supporting their child. My brother has a child he really didn't want with a girlfriend who lied to him about being on birth control. He tried to be part of the boy's life, but was prevented from doing so by the mum.

My brother still pays child support, because it's not his son's fault that the mother is an appalling human being (that would be a much longer post to explain all of that!), and because supporting your child financially if you can afford it is one of the things that makes you a decent human being.

yes but sometimes when you have had enough, when they havent done anything morally good ever you just don't want them to give you money. It's like oh i can't be bothered to see my kid, but i am at least giving the ex wife ten pound a week.

this means nothing to me. nothing. even if it was 400 a week he could shove it up his arse.

anyway, morally it would be a good idea, but some exes don't have any. thats just from my situation,
I have made sure there is money for dd when she wants to go into further education, and learns to drive she has never lacked anything, clothes, toys, food and love. Only thing that has scarred her is not having a dad.

I advise not going to the CSA because I'm at the other end of a horrible situation like this re my children are grown. If I had my time again, I would have cut the shit out of our lives entirely: chasing him for money just wasn't worth the pain. He has been nothing but appalling trouble, pain and angst.

Of course he should pay! But he doesn't want to and there are any number of ways he can make your life (lives!) a misery because he is forced to pay. The stress just isn't worth it, particulalry if you don't need the money.

I would have to say that what goes round, comes round. yy I didn't believe it either but I've had to concede that it's true. I've seen it with my own eyes (though you have to wait a long time) and it wasn't pleasant. I wouldn't have liked to be in his shoes.

What a despicable cunt.

csa. for the money.
bring up your daughter without him. don't try to have links with that bastard who doesn't 'feel anything' for her.

Mixed feelings here on whether to use CSA. I am another parent who takes full responsibility for DC whilst NRP dips in and out of their lives and pays nothing. He has actively avoided it to the point of jacking in a good job in order to become 'out of work' not on any pay role that can be detected

I was also told he'd pay some money if I called off the CSA. I didn't because his past behaviour has not indicated that he would and as Sparks quite correctly says CSA have an effective date and can chase non payment. You can't if it's just an agreement.

I also did not wish to give him permission to pay nothing.

The same would be true whatever sex I was or the NRP

Our 'relationship' as parents has been strained because of my actions -I'd still do the same though

Go to the CSA. He has already changed his mind several times about whether he wants to be a Dad. Even if you 'cut all ties' now and don't take his money, in 6 months he may meet another woman who has kids and then decide he wants to be a Dad again. Unless you and any relatives he knows about are prepared to move house so he can't track you down later.

He's had the chance to do it informally, which he is rejecting.

So the CSA it is and keep on top of them as they need chasing if the payments are not forthcoming.

Don't give up, this is money to support your daughter.

Definitely CSA and don't give up on it regardless of what he offers again.

It doesn't matter if he wanted her or not, or if he wants a relationship or not.

Although if he ever goes back again, I'd be much more cautious and ensure that any defaulting on contact would mean permanent loss of contact.