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Original poster

Advice needed ex does not want to pay child support anymore because he does not want to be a dad anymore

83 replies

savannasmum · 20/04/2012 20:35

Long story short

When I found out I was pregnant my ex made it clear he did not want a child, ( we were together at the time) I did, so I went ahead with it. I did not ask him for anything. When she was about one he started to take an interest in her. He worked away a lot so he rang her every week, came home to visit her every 6 weeks and paid child support.

About a year ago he met someone, quit his job and moved in with her. He stop calling or visiting our daughter, he stopped paying child support (she was 5 by this time). I rang the CSA, needless to say he threatened me everything, he eventually agreed to 20pounds a week once he got a job if I cancelled the CSA . Which I did. He has now moved closer to me (about 10mins up the road). He has seen our daughter about 3times this year.

Here is the bit I need advice on he now has a job but refuses point blank to pay child support as, and I quote ? why should I pay or something that I didn?t want in the first place and that I don?t have any feeling for ( meaning our daughter) and that I don?t want in my life, am not paying for your mistake?.

Now do I ring the CSA again or not as he did make it clear that he did not want a child in the first place but then again he has played daddy for the last few years. He is trying to guilt me into not calling them, saying it was my mistake, iv ruined is life, so on and am starting to believe he is right.

Is he right or am I been brainwashed?

Sorry it?s not so short but any advice would be greatly received.

OP posts:

Rubirosa · 20/04/2012 21:11

I'd contact the CSA too. Maybe if he had never had anything to do with her it would be different, but he can't just be a father when it suits him.

MumPaula · 20/04/2012 21:15

He played and now he has to pay. whether he wanted a child or not, he can't only know her when it's convenient to him. He's wrong call and get your money. It's your child's rightfully.
What a deadbeat Dad

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 20/04/2012 21:16

No don't let him get away with it, even if you can cope without the money i think you should still take it and put it into savings for your daughter.
Take it from someone who knows, it's pretty upsetting having your dad not give a shit about you. At least this way she can get something back.

Original poster

savannasmum · 20/04/2012 21:16

NO i did not sabotage birth control Aribura, if anything i had more to lose from getting pregnant. I was the one with the good job, while he was studying or should i call it getting drunk most nights.

OP posts:

keepingupwiththejoneses · 20/04/2012 21:20

It has no consequence as to how your daughter was conceived. He is her father, end of story. He must provide for her whether he see's her or not. Here in the UK we have nothing like the y have in the US, he can not just decide he doesn't want to be her dad. If he didn't want children he should have done something about it. CALL THEM!

LydiaWickham · 20/04/2012 21:33

Call them, even if you can cope without the money, you should do this. No man should be allowed to walk away from his DC just because the mother can cope without his help, why the hell should you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/04/2012 21:34

"Is he right or am I been brainwashed?"
No, he is not right; he is trying to brainwash you. Go straight to the CSA.

Sparks1 · 20/04/2012 21:43

No man should be allowed to walk away from his DC just because the mother can cope without his help, why the hell should you?

Funny this. It's a misconception.

Far more non resident women fail to pay for their children than men.

piratecat · 20/04/2012 21:53

I am sorry it happened to me that ex dh didn't want to pay anything towards our dd when he left and found another woman.

At first i was really angry with him, but then i decided that he could fuck off, i would manage.

Many people got cross on my behalf, but i didn't want to go begging, and rationalised that if she really wasn't important enough to him to 'feed' then by god i could feed her my bloody self.

Ours was a much tried for and wanted baby tho. Not that it matters, just saying that my decision to carry on and do it myself justified his cruelty.

thatisall · 20/04/2012 21:59

sex between two adults may result in a child. All parents, male or female are responsible for their children.

Contact the CSA, make him pay for his child as he should want to without being forced.

If he doesn't want to see her, fine....his loss.

If you don't need his 20 pound, great, put it in an account for your dd,.....I'm sure she'll appreciate the deposit on a car when she's old enough much more than this awful man in her life.

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 22:01

Far more non resident women fail to pay for their children than men.

Utterly irrelevant. If a man posted on here about his wife refusing to see their child or pay maintenance, he'd be getting exactly the same responses.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/04/2012 22:04

FFS! Of course you need to call the CSA!!

Did he put something on the end of it? No. It's that simple.

ellenjames · 20/04/2012 22:08

CSA!!

Sparks1 · 20/04/2012 22:10

Utterly irrelevant. If a man posted on here about his wife refusing to see their child or pay maintenance, he'd be getting exactly the same response

It is not. And it's why CM and contact arrangements in this country are so far behind other countries.

To the detriment of the child, the parents and any future family life any of those wish to have.

splashymcsplash · 20/04/2012 22:27

Yes of course he should pay. That is irrelevant of whether he was ever agreed to 'take responsibility'.

If you don't need the money then put it in a savings account for your dd, which she could use to pay for uni/deposit on a house etc when she grows up.

piratecat · 20/04/2012 22:30

it's a funny one, my dd got a tenner last yr in the post from her dad.

she ripped up the card and said here you are mummy, buy something for yourself, i don't want it it doesn't mean anything.

bugsylugs · 20/04/2012 22:38

Picnic do not agree with you but then I am sometimes a cynic. If I did not want a child I would not trust another to use protection and anyway what about STIs?
He has a responsibility from getting his trousers off it is up to op whether she pushes it. In my settee I would say CSA but would I want the hassle of him walking in and out not sure. Good luck

echt · 20/04/2012 22:40

sparks1 you point was utterly irrelevant because it had nothing to do with the OP, or this discussion. The discussion is about the OP's ex-chap, not men in general.

FreudianSlipper · 20/04/2012 22:46

contact CSA

when you have sex the women may fall pregnant that is the risk, you lower it greatly using contraception but it is still a risk we all know that but still take it

but if you can get by without his money even though i feel strongly all parents should be responsible for their children at times it is best jsut to cut ties, and if i can i would

bucketbetty · 20/04/2012 22:51

The excuse for a human being is the father whether he wanted the child or not. Go to the csa. You don't need to have any contact with this man at all.

skybluepearl · 20/04/2012 23:26

you are oth responisble for the child. he had unproteted sex.

MrMiyagi · 20/04/2012 23:53

Another one for the contact CSA route.

MrMiyagi · 20/04/2012 23:56

echt, sparks1's post may have been irrelevant, but it was correcting an initially irrelevant point.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/04/2012 00:03

They both had unprotected sex. Or contraception failed, it's not that unusual.

But yes, CSA is the way to go. If you can afford it.

springydaffs · 21/04/2012 00:14

Going to go against the grain here: let him go. MOney and all. Really.

yes he should pay. But do you want a foul shit like this in your life - or, more importantly, your daughter's life?

You both need him like a hole in the head. He's shown his colours, get rid permanently .

well done btw for doing it all on your own.

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