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Original poster

Advice needed ex does not want to pay child support anymore because he does not want to be a dad anymore

83 replies

savannasmum · 20/04/2012 20:35

Long story short

When I found out I was pregnant my ex made it clear he did not want a child, ( we were together at the time) I did, so I went ahead with it. I did not ask him for anything. When she was about one he started to take an interest in her. He worked away a lot so he rang her every week, came home to visit her every 6 weeks and paid child support.

About a year ago he met someone, quit his job and moved in with her. He stop calling or visiting our daughter, he stopped paying child support (she was 5 by this time). I rang the CSA, needless to say he threatened me everything, he eventually agreed to 20pounds a week once he got a job if I cancelled the CSA . Which I did. He has now moved closer to me (about 10mins up the road). He has seen our daughter about 3times this year.

Here is the bit I need advice on he now has a job but refuses point blank to pay child support as, and I quote ? why should I pay or something that I didn?t want in the first place and that I don?t have any feeling for ( meaning our daughter) and that I don?t want in my life, am not paying for your mistake?.

Now do I ring the CSA again or not as he did make it clear that he did not want a child in the first place but then again he has played daddy for the last few years. He is trying to guilt me into not calling them, saying it was my mistake, iv ruined is life, so on and am starting to believe he is right.

Is he right or am I been brainwashed?

Sorry it?s not so short but any advice would be greatly received.

OP posts:
NimpyWindowmash · 20/04/2012 20:43

Well, it's tricky... but arguably, if a man has sex with a woman without using a condom, he must accept responsibility for getting the woman pregnant... and surely no woman should be obliged to have an abortion because the man doesn't want a child. I'm sure the CSA would see it that way, and wouldn't be interested in whether he wanted the child or not.
I think he is trying to make you feel bad so that you back down. If he has been involved in your daughter's life up til now, and has contributed financially, but now he has suddenly changed his mind? I think HIBU.

GrahamTribe · 20/04/2012 20:43

I'm presuming that your DD was conceived by consensual sex? And that your ex is a mentally competent adult? Who knows that sex sometimes produces babies and that if he really didn't want that to happen the only way he could guarantee that it wouldn't would be to have the snip or to abstain? And yet he did neither?

So there's your answer honey. He may not have wanted this little girl but he made no serious attempt not to have her and she's here now. That means she needs food, clothing, a roof over her head, furniture, gas, electricity and so on. For which he is equally responsible, whether he likes it or not. So don't engage with him any more, just contact the CSA and let them do it for you. Oh, and tell him from me, he's a cruel, immature wanker to walk out of that little girl's life like that.

BelleDameSansMerci · 20/04/2012 20:43

Contact CSA... Sad

spidermanspiderman · 20/04/2012 20:45

Contact CSA definitely

Lac365 · 20/04/2012 20:45

I think what he has said is shocking and devistating if your daughter were to hear this. Also, it can't be good for her that he comes in and out of her life. Sounds like you both would be better off with no contact with him. What a horrible man!

I'm sure you will get lots of posts here saying go to the CSA and get the money that you/she need. I would say that you need to keep him out of your lives and if you can manage without that money then do so.

Accept that he is a shit, he will never be a costructive part of your daughters life and move on without him.
Good luck.

Dropdeadfred · 20/04/2012 20:45

Contact the CSS and never ever tell your daughter what the bastard said about her

GlitterySkulls · 20/04/2012 20:46

? why should I pay or something that I didn?t want in the first place and that I don?t have any feeling for ( meaning our daughter) and that I don?t want in my life, am not paying for your mistake?.

i'm Shock at the above, in fact, no, i'm disgusted. if he didn't want a child, he shouldn't have had sex. end of.

i'd contact the csa.

AceOfBase · 20/04/2012 20:47

Oh dear. Does the poor poppet not WANT to? Um tough? Does he not realise that what he wants has nothing to do with it? He will still be her father either way. Call csa.

IvanaNap · 20/04/2012 20:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

StrangerintheHouse · 20/04/2012 20:49

Lac365, so the moral of the story is act like an horrible arse and you can shirk your responsibilities?

Paying what is due does not mean he will be in their life, especially as he has said he doesn't actually want to be.

headfairy · 20/04/2012 20:52

He's definitely not right. I can't offer any advice but it takes two to make a baby. He should have insisted on a condom if he didn't want to risk you getting pg.

Sparks1 · 20/04/2012 20:53

The word scum applies to this man.

CSA it is. I am sick and tired of parents like this.

You cannot abdicate financial responsibility for a child.

Not that it should matter but i'm male.

Rhinosaurus · 20/04/2012 20:53

Let him explain that he has decided not to be a dad to the CSA! I'm sure they will be very understanding and let him off any payments!

smoggii · 20/04/2012 20:55

Contact CSA and try for back pay, he sounds like a right knob. Your DD is better off without him but he helped make her and he should pay for her.

LydiaWickham · 20/04/2012 20:55

CSA - whatever he did or did not say at the time, your DD exsists, he can't just say "well I wish things were different so I'm going to pretend they are and expect everyone else to work round that."

How have you 'ruined his life'?

Bollocks, go to CSA, if he doesn't want contact, that's his choice, if he doesn't want to pay that's not - he can't just wish his DD out of existance because he's got bored of her.

headfairy · 20/04/2012 20:55

One thing I would say, if you do go to the CSA, make sure you keep copies of all communication from him. A friend's ex made similar statements having never even seen his dd, when she went after him for support he threatened a custody battle (this was after denying paternity, forcing her to prove paternity despite the fact they were living together at the time she was conceived and then claiming he had no interest in his dd). He must have had a very sensible solicitor or some good advice from someone because someone told him he didn't have a hope in hell of getting custody of a baby girl he'd declared no interest in, just because he was paying for her. And he dropped the case.

He still to this day hasn't seen his dd, 21 years on :(

NarkedPuffin · 20/04/2012 20:57

CSA

picnicbasketcase · 20/04/2012 20:57

He sounds horrible, yes. It's the way that he paid for and saw his daughter until he got together with someone else and then decided actually he didn't want anything to do with her that's the really nasty part.

I actually disagree that anyone who has sex is automatically consenting to having a child, if the situation was reversed and the man was desperate for a child and the woman didn't want it, people wouldn't be saying she had to keep it because the man said so. Or if the woman claimed to be taking contraception, assured the man he didn't need to and deliberately became pregnant knowing he didn't want children, for example. But obviously those are extreme examples.

But in this case, it sounds like he met someone new and just decided that anyone in his old life was no longer required. The trouble is that the CSA are bloody dreadful at getting people to pay anything if they are determined not to. Paperwork can be manipulated to make it appear that he can't afford to pay anything etc Unfortunately, going through the CSA again seems the only way to try and get this situation resolved.

Sparks1 · 20/04/2012 20:58

Contact CSA and try for back pay

There is no back pay. The CSA can only claim money from when they first contact the non resident parent. They term it an "effective date" .

coulditmaybe · 20/04/2012 21:01

CSA

ComposHat · 20/04/2012 21:02

What a wanker.

Call the CSA. Regardless of whether he wants to be an active or involved parent, he has a responsibility to support his daughter financially.

Aribura · 20/04/2012 21:05

Did you sabotage birth control?

Original poster
savannasmum · 20/04/2012 21:07

Thanks for the comments. I am very carefull about what my daughter hears i would never tell her what he says about her. I agree with you Lac365 and strangerinthehouse. I can cope with out the money and i can do without the abuse, but why should he be able to change his mind when he wants. I was doing fine on my own, he was the one that turned up a year later and said he wanted to be part of her life. SO am guessing that was his way off accepting responsibilit for her. Guess its a tale as old as time, as soon as they meet someone else and settle down there not right interested in there 1st family.

OP posts:
anychocswilldo · 20/04/2012 21:07

What a tosser! Tbh I think if u can cope without the extra money I think I would cut all ties with him. No question he should be paying but he could do so much emotional damage to you and your little girl I wonder if its worth it. I think I would be agreeing to not contact CSA only if he signs something relinquishing all parental rights, which I'm sure he would. Hope it all works out.

BoffinMum · 20/04/2012 21:11

If you have sex, you may end up with a child. That is how it works. He made a choice to have sex, and just because the consequences are a bit too grown up and uncomfortable for him, he has no right to back away now. He needs to cough up.