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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Early signs that he's just ace

88 replies

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/04/2012 20:58

Please forgive the thread about a thread, but have just started seeing someone and I suspect he's a possible keeper. But I've been reading the red flags thread and find myself starting to look for them in his behaviour, even though he hasn't really shown them. I've never really had a good, functioning relationship so it's all a bit unfamiliar.

And how soon can you know?

The things I think make this guy a possible legend are:

gentle, kind, cares about people
no ego, nothing to prove, self effacing
treats me with respect (this one feels quite unfamiliar but lovely)
doesn't make assumptions about what I like or want to do
seems to really like me
texts me every day and makes plans in advance
non judgemental

So please share what made you realise your partner was actually fantastic (not perfect) - and you could enjoy the relationship without worrying he's going to reveal that he's actually a twat.

OP posts:
GlitterPunk · 17/04/2012 20:59

when his only goal was to make sure I was happy...that's when I knew.

SingingTunelessly · 17/04/2012 21:00

Everything you've put! Enjoy without worrying too much. Smile

JessieEssex · 17/04/2012 21:04

When I finally met a man who didn't play games with me. Who rang when he said he would, kept his promises and told me exactly how he felt. Took a while to get used to it after years of bad relationships. We're now married :)

Yours sounds like a good one...

dustbunniesmakegreatpets · 17/04/2012 21:07

That you feel relaxed with him, that you can be yourself with him. That you really enjoy being with him, and like him more and more the more you get to know him.

Squeegle · 17/04/2012 21:09

I think you can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat their mother/ father/ elderly and potentially annoying relative. If they are kind and respectful in adversity then it's a very good sign. Depends at what stage you get to see that of course...

PorkyandBess · 17/04/2012 21:12

His relationships with his parents, siblings and friends are important and can tell a lot.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/04/2012 21:16

He finds his mother hard work but looks after her as much as he needs to. He gets on pretty well with his sisters.

Is it possible to know soon, within the first 5 dates, that you really really like each other? He's not declared love yet, but I'm now nervous that he's going to and blow it Blush

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 17/04/2012 21:34

Not to early to KNOW but too early to plan a life together. Just go with the flow and enjoy it!
I knew mine was a keeper on our second date. Looking in a shoe shop window we passed I admired a pair of feathery sandals in a sale (nicer than they sound! Honest!). He asked if I'd go for brown or black. I replied "at that price, BOTH!".
Next time we met a few days later he gave me a box...both pairs of sandals. Awwwwww! (Reader, I married him.)

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/04/2012 21:39

MushroomSoup that sounds really sweet - but at date 2/3 could such a gift have been a red flag?! How did you know it wasn't?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/04/2012 21:46

Well, texting all the time could be a red flag too, especially if you felt pestered or they were bugging you for a reply all the time :) The difference is context. It's not the action, but their reaction/expectation of your reaction.

I think for the gift it is a nice one, because he's taken what she likes and listened (and presumably, even bought the right size which would be more observation/listening) - and it sounds as though it was a no-strings-attached gift, a nice thing to do, not overly flashy (anyone seeing her wearing the sandals would not know they were a gift). Red flag gifts tend to be flashy, very expensive, and presented with a degree of "you owe me".

MushroomSoup · 17/04/2012 21:46

Because he was all the other things as well. Thoughtful, respectful and no game playing. And they weren't expensive - a fiver a pair or something like that. It was just the thought that was special. He showed me in many many ways (and still does) that he thinks of me.

BertieBotts · 17/04/2012 21:47

Plus, extravagant gifts are more of an amber flag anyway - some men just like giving gifts, no agenda attached to it at all!

Twingirlsrock · 17/04/2012 21:47

Unfamiliar characteristics that made me gradually realise he was special read similar to your list:

Forthcoming about next date/ wanting to make plans
Kept plans
Text or called when said he would
Thoughtful: warned me about roadworks before I set off to see him etc
Respectful - slept in spare bedroom happily for 3 months if slept over as I have a little girl

There was romantic stuff too but actually the things above meant more to me and were more romantic in their own way.

Have fun!

MushroomSoup · 17/04/2012 21:48

Just crossed with you Bertie. It was exactly like that. I opened them - laughed - said wow - said thank you - laughed again - didn't even kiss him - too early!) - he grinned - and it was never mentioned again. Absolutely given with no strings attached, just to make me smile.

MushroomSoup · 17/04/2012 21:51

I think you shouldn't spend your life actively looking for red flags; you should just be able to recognise them when they happen, if that makes sense.

MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 21:55

I'm on the other thread, as my ex boyfriend was terribly abusive.

However, I have now been with DH for 11 years and he is an absolute darling of a man. Some signs were:

Surprising me with a weekend away and tickets to concet I really wanted to go to fairly early in the relationship - but he had booked separate hotel rooms, as he 'didnt want to rush things or put any pressure on me'. At night, he walked me to my room and kissed me goodnight...and and that was it Grin

No game playing. Texted me back fairly promptly, phoned me regularly but wasnt overbearing, always had this feeling he was open hearted ad honest and keen, right from the start.

Bought me little gifts, but nothing flash - a tee-shirt I'd seen that I said I liked, a record I mentioned, a book we'd discussed. He remembered things I'd said I liked, and acted accordingly. Incredibly romantic, but not cheesy.

Early in the relationship I got a job interview for a very full on job that would mean I'd have less time for him. He was so supportive and excited for me, in fact, he was always really interested in and happy about my successes.

Early on in the relationship, a dear relative died. I had to go to the funeral in a foreign country. DH (then new DP) dropped me to the airport and gave me a little bag of books and CDs for my walkman (old school) and nice snacks for the journey. I know it isn't much. but I was really touched.

MagsAloof · 17/04/2012 21:55

tickets to a concert, sorry

boringnickname · 17/04/2012 21:56

I remember my DP bought me two cats - not real ones, but two cuddly toy cats (again, nicer than they sound) because he couldn't decide which one i would like the most. I call them both "two cats" individually, I still have them (somewhere) but they are a llittle battered (one is missing a leg) - like us :( He doesn't buy me gifts anymore. But well, those were the sort of things that did it for me and generally doing anything for me and making me feel special etc. Sigh

BertieBotts · 17/04/2012 21:57

For me, it was when I said I wasn't sure about sex, and he said he would wait as long as I needed. And then after a few days, slipped something into the conversation hinting that HE was also nervous about sex, and asking if we could just ban it totally for 6 months Grin Overkill, I know, but it totally took the pressure off since I was imagining he would be bored by 3 months if we hadn't had sex by then and I wasn't sure when I would be ready.

(I lasted two weeks Blush)

Also (sorry more sex related ones) going utterly and completely at my pace. When I told him I was sad that I'd never had a boyfriend before I was 16 and felt pressure (from myself) for sex straight away, and had missed out on the innocent holding hands and kissing stage, and he said "We could just do that, if you wanted to." And we did. :)

When we were still just friends, and he came over with a bottle of wine, then had to go to work, leaving me to drink the rest of it (I wasn't supposed to Blush) Not minding at all that I'd drunk most of the bottle of this £60 wine, he also came round in the morning after work, made me a cup of tea, cleaned up and looked after DS so I could wake up slowly. I met up with a friend later in the day and recounted all of this and she said two words: Marry him. Grin

Being able to talk openly and honestly with no game playing at every stage of the relationship, as to what state it was in, where it was going, and where it might go - even the scary directions. We talked about everything (and still do :)) - and he completely backed off but was still around as a friend when I had cold feet in the beginning, too.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/04/2012 21:57

Ah ok I get it re the gift.

I really like the idea that the worrying thing is his expectation of your reaction, not the action itself.

And the concept of amber flags is a good one too.

Also that maybe it's ok to know, but NOT to plan a life together.

Ooh this might be exciting after all! First time ever. And I'm no spring chicken Wink

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 17/04/2012 21:59

Mags that's how it was for me early on. The little gestures that show he was listening to me. And boring I guess I'm a lucky woman cos he still does it.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/04/2012 22:01

Awww these are so good to hear what you should be looking for!

Mine was fab about the no sex thing too (although him being so cool really shifted my thinking and I also lasted two weeks Blush)

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 17/04/2012 22:03

I have three kids from my first marriage and when they went to their dad's house for a few days I would sit on the bottom stair and cry, cry, cry. Even though he'd not met my kids (too early) he turned up ten mins after he knew they'd left. He just sat on the step behind me, with his arms round me for an hour, then made me a cuppa and left for work.

garlicnutter · 17/04/2012 22:03

I think the value of threads like the other one lies in the way they show up repeating patterns in abusive behaviour. Look how many posters have said they were shocked to see how similar their ex-arseholes were to all the others!

There are patterns to abuse because it's always about generic control: we weren't unique people to those men, we were just "woman". A balanced grown-up, who loves you for who YOU are, won't follow patterns the same as all other good men, for the simple reason that he loves the individual you are. If he's not trying to manipulate you, he'll interact honestly with you - not "all women".

So you can't tick boxes for a good relationship, but you can for a bad one.

I read a really solid piece of advice on here. Someone said "Never make a man the centre of your world." It's true. You should be the centre of your world. Then you're free to enjoy what's good ... and walk away from what's bad :)

Sounds good so far! So enjoy it!!

If you're ever in doubt ... revisit www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody.

PoppadumPreach · 17/04/2012 22:04

From the very start, I just totally relaxed with him, didn't feel I needed any "airs and graces" and that I could just be myself (no mean feat as without wanting to sound to much of a complete arse, I wasn't in the best place and was not really sure who the "real me" was). He still is utterly wonderful!