Early signs that he's just ace

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Please forgive the thread about a thread, but have just started seeing someone and I suspect he's a possible keeper. But I've been reading the red flags thread and find myself starting to look for them in his behaviour, even though he hasn't really shown them. I've never really had a good, functioning relationship so it's all a bit unfamiliar.

And how soon can you know?

The things I think make this guy a possible legend are:

gentle, kind, cares about people
no ego, nothing to prove, self effacing
treats me with respect (this one feels quite unfamiliar but lovely)
doesn't make assumptions about what I like or want to do
seems to really like me
texts me every day and makes plans in advance
non judgemental

So please share what made you realise your partner was actually fantastic (not perfect) - and you could enjoy the relationship without worrying he's going to reveal that he's actually a twat.

One of the first things that made me realise my boyfriend is just ace was when we first kissed when we were living together in halls at uni - we were only 18. I was really in need of affection that night and had just got out of a horrible relationship a couple of weeks before, and had been confiding in this nice guy who lived in the next room to me. One night I kissed him for ages and then said, 'look I'm not sure about having sex tonight' expecting him to just go. He said 'yeah that's cool, but why don't you get in your pyjamas and we'll just sleep in the same bed and have a cuddle?' He just absolutely knew what I needed.

I know that sounds like a little thing, but he cuddled me to sleep three nights in a row and put zero pressure on me to have sex, brought me tea in bed in the morning, and made me feel loved and happy again. He didn't play games, he made me laugh, and he was just so kind. I thought that was a good sign.

(Although this is in comparison to my ex who took my virginity then asked me to go home - two buses away! - at 10 o clock at night and wouldn't let me stay the night, then for months constantly pressured me into various sexual acts. It wasn't too hard to beat that charmer! But my boyfriend is still lovely.)

God it's a miracle we all get past so many dodgy second dates!
With me - on the second date - id had a totally out of the blue argument with my bed friend. I was so upset and distracted over dinner. He just said to go meet her, make it up - friends are too important. Definitely a keeper!

Mumsyblouse, I agree with you, but I think there are usually at least one or two red flags if he is a twat.

Reading this thread there are things that ex did when we started and even later.
It was the other stuff he did too that was the problem.

Thanks everyone. I saw him again last night and I recognised some of his attitudes from the ones you've mentioned on this thread - he just wants me to be happy above everything, and me to be me. Not a red flag in sight.

Thank god for MN - previously I have posted two threads about the twunts I was dating (one under a different name) as my twat radar seemed to have been switched to "search" mode, rather than "fuck off" mode

yes I'm starting to fall for him

I have three kids from my first marriage and when they went to their dad's house for a few days I would sit on the bottom stair and cry, cry, cry. Even though he'd not met my kids (too early) he turned up ten mins after he knew they'd left. He just sat on the step behind me, with his arms round me for an hour, then made me a cuppa and left for work.

My favourite. :-D

In the interests of fairness, I'd better post on this thread, having posted on The Other Thread.

My Good one is DH, currently upstairs trying to keep ds in bed.

He bougth me muffins and tissues when I was off work with a cold, about a month after meeting him.

We had the talk about whether it was a r'ship or not after a fortnight and laid down ground rules.

He came and met my close work mates at a party after 3 weeks and allowed himself to be scrutinized by them all.

He valued my opinions.

these are all really great to hear! and gives me some hope! i feel a bit upset though as my abusive ex did a lot of these things in the beginning. he seemed perfect. i'm confused as to how you know in the early days if the perfect man will stay or if he'll turn nasty.

I posted on the other thread about my first boyfriend, so I thought I should post on this one about my husband.
MN won't let me post more than 5 lines, so just one thing : when I asked to spend the night with him - just sleeping, nothing more - he was happy with it. He never pressured me to have sex.

Pink that was me!! Wasn't it just LOVELY?! No wonder I married him ;-)

I love the stories of the hideous second dates

Actually I think you can find some similar characteristics for The Good Guys (sorry garlic). Common themes seem to be:

no pressure or expectation of sex until you are ready
respecting your values and opinions, not judging you, no suggestions of what to wear, how to be - encouraging you to do/be what YOU want etc
really seeing you and understanding what's going on for you and trying to make things better for you
no game playing - texting/calling when they say, not leaving you hanging or wondering about anything
being generous emotionally
treating family members well (but this doesn't necessarily mean putting up with their crap, being a doormat)
being gentle with you

I'm in a pretty new relationship too but hes definitely the one . He told me he'd wait as long as I wanted for sex (i lasted 2months), he's incredible with dd, he sends me really romantic texts everyday, tells me he misses me after half hour of saying goodbye for work, is really supportive of my work and he is just so sexy, fit, in fact my man is bloody gorgeous .

That he always admitted when he was wrong and apologised - even on his knees once, to make me smile so I'd forgive him. Couldn't keep sulking keep up my righteous indignation after that!

Yes, I think that is a good shortlist - I would say as a rough guide, someone needs to have pretty much everything on that list, because any absence of those things is a red flag in itself.

The only thing I'd probably disagree with is "trying to make things better for you" - that's a tricky one, small gestures intended to make your life easier/nicer/etc are good, if they are intrusive or border on "fixing you" or doing things for you rather than supporting you to do them yourself, potentially this could be a red flag, if these "gestures" end up making you feel dependent on them. Certainly there should be no big, life-changing kind of "saving" gestures in the early days.

So, they need to have all of those things, and no red flags of the other less-obvious ones such as:
Signs of addictive behaviour
Badmouthing others
Signs of aggression in personality (including aggressive driving)
Sexism/racism/homophobia/any other kind of prejudice
Anything which makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, even for a moment
"Issues" from childhood or past relationships (I know this is one people, including me, struggle with because it seems unfair to judge on something such as this, but really any issues should be dealt with before getting into a relationship, because otherwise they WILL cause issues within the relationship.)

If there are ANY red flags there, including absence of the points made by teacup, it negates all the good stuff, because it indicates that their mindset is not as "good" as you previously thought. If you've always made allowances or given people the benefit of the doubt, it's really hard to let go of this, especially when they are excellent in all ways BUT one, but you have to be ultra cautious, especially when you have DC. Don't feel sorry for someone or feel you should give them a chance, if they have issues to deal with then they need to go away and deal with them first.

I think also it's worth bearing in mind that even if someone ticks every box on the list and seems perfect in every way on paper, it's still okay to say "No thanks" if they don't seem right for you in some way. Don't hold on to the belief that a "good man" is a rare thing and if you find one you must hold on at all costs, if you managed to attract one who was nice, trust me there are many many more out there :) Expect the best, and you'll only put up with the best and you'll be happier for it.

Aw what a nice Fred! I met my fella online how modern and it started out as just friendship. We just talked about everything. I knew I could trust him.because he did what he said he'd do - we became fb friends, if he said he was going out with 'Jeff' and 'Mike' I'd see photos soon after. I agree about the contacting things. It's about texting and replying in a timely manner - no game playing about mega delays but also not scary intense fast replies!
We agreed to wait to say the 'L' word! We'd both rushed it before and lived to regret it. I think we waited about 8 weeks in the end.
I also agree with all the statements about waiting for sex. I was a virgin when I met him - yup rare breed at 26! - and really wanted to wait til I.got married really really rare and he respected that. We had a really lovely wedding day :)
But the crunch came when we found out my Mum had cancer. We'd only been together 2 months. I even told him if he wanted out at that point I'd respect it. But he said while he understood that, he wasn't going anywhere. One.night he drove through the night, for the night, just because I needed him. He got a lot of wet t-shirts. It's not about clever words or fancy gestures, it's about knowing there's nothing they can say, but like mushroom says, simply being there to hold you when you feel like things are falling apart.

oh wow sorry for the mega long post!

I loved it FaithBaby!

He was the first person, friend or boyfriend, who just totally seemed to 'get' me. I never felt the need to play a part or assimilate my tastes to his in order to make him fall for me or like me. He called when he said he would, was respectful of my time with my friends and made a huge effort to build a friendship with them too and was generally everything all my previous boyfriends hadn't been.

Me too Faithbaby

Oh, and he has always been REALLY enthusiastic and supportive about anything I show an interest in doing, whether it be career, a hobby or even just a weekend away with the girls.

Only having one mad/bad ex - but we've all got one of those - and not slagging off the rest.

Admitting to not having been the best boyfriend when he was younger.

My keeper (current DH) absolutely blew my mind when I raised a (minor) issue I had with something he'd done that I found a bit thoughtless and was hurt by (even though he'd have no reason to know this).

I expected it to turn into a big argument with him telling me I'd overreacted and was being silly (due to my previous abusive partners), and then sulking.

He said, "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't even think." and gave me a big hug.

I was flabbergasted! And thats when I knew everything was going to be different, and it has been.

Finding me sexy even though I could lose 20 a few pounds.

Taking good care of the mother of his child.

Great idea for a thread. I think texts me every day and makes plans in advance is a good one. That was a novelty for me with DH, after years of cool, unreliable types. Such a bloody relief to just be able to make a plan and know it would happen.

One other thing is that I said he could touch me anytime (not great with boundaries, me), but his reply was, "only as long as you are comfortable with it" - no assumptions or standing permission.

I think I've convinced myself. He's a good'un.

My very first