Early signs that he's just ace

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Please forgive the thread about a thread, but have just started seeing someone and I suspect he's a possible keeper. But I've been reading the red flags thread and find myself starting to look for them in his behaviour, even though he hasn't really shown them. I've never really had a good, functioning relationship so it's all a bit unfamiliar.

And how soon can you know?

The things I think make this guy a possible legend are:

gentle, kind, cares about people
no ego, nothing to prove, self effacing
treats me with respect (this one feels quite unfamiliar but lovely)
doesn't make assumptions about what I like or want to do
seems to really like me
texts me every day and makes plans in advance
non judgemental

So please share what made you realise your partner was actually fantastic (not perfect) - and you could enjoy the relationship without worrying he's going to reveal that he's actually a twat.

You have to remember that the difference between a good man and an abusive man is not so much his actions, but his underlying thought process. Although there are actions which are always abusive (violence for example) so much of abuse is normal, loving, healthy actions twisted for an unhealthy purpose.

So, texting lots because he's thinking of you, wants to say hi, no expectation/requirement to reply = good
Texting all the time because he wants to know where you are when you are not with him, he is "worried" about you (when he has no cause to be), expecting immediate replies, makes you feel stifled = bad.

The red flags/green flags are just instances where you can witness the thought process coming out. If some of them seem odd or unlikely, consider this and try to bring it back to how it all ties in together.

He makes you laugh

He does what he says he'll do, when he says he will eg phones when he says he will. I think this no playing games is a very important sign in the early days

He's interested in you and what you have to say on a variety of topics from sandwich fillings to politics

He really really wants to make you happy

Ooo it sounds exciting OP [squeals]

None of the above :( but this thread made me smile :)
Awwww some sweet posts here and it gives me faith that there are some good guys out there! Somewhere!!

Mushroom - my DH is still a very giving, thoughtful person, too. Yes, things change when you have been married for yonks and have young children. It isnt all flowers and kisses. But he is still essentially a very caring man. he does osme very sweet things for me. he is definitely more of a romantic than I am!

beatenby - we lasted 5 whole months. A bloody record for me . It was worth the wait, though. It was the first time in my adult life that i ahd felt nervous about taking it further, probably because he was so bloody nice, i just didnt want sex to change things. He admitted afterwards that he had never been so nervous in his life, either (and he is a good 13 yrs older than me, so wasnt exactly inexperienced). He was shaking when we started off .

Ah. love me DH

This is such a lovely thread! Thank you teacup! It's easy to forget there are bloody good men in the world when most of the threads focus on the evil manipulating bastards bad ones

Hi garlic - you probably don't remember me but you helped me loads last summer on the Stately Homes thread. Partly why this guy has me a bit nervous, just completely unfamiliar territory. I never realised men could be patient re sex, for example. Or do things for you unconditionally. Or accept your "bad areas" unconditionally eg I bite my nails badly and he doesn't even care, whilst I thought it was a dealbreaker

I knew DH was a keeper when he offered to drive me 100 miles to see my best mate after she'd given birth for the first time. He sat in the car listening to music for hours and then drove back without complaining once and even managed to feign interest as I gibbered away like a monkey stuck on repeat!

beaten, DH was the first guy I waited to have sex with - or the first guy who waited for me.

I had always thought I slept with men so early on because I wanted to - but actually, looking back, I think I was always pressured into it or made to feel that it was preposterous to think that sex could be something that came later on down the line, y'know, like after you got to know each other

When dh got my sense of humour and didn't cast me in the role of serious one. He laughed with me and not at me. I realised we could talk to each other for hours and I never got bored of his conversation. I had a premonition on our first date when he was holding forth to me that I would be here listening to him and we would be talking to each other for the rest of my life.

hashope and mushroom I'm smiling as I read the thread too! There are some amazing men out there and they have stayed amazing men

I'm going to bed now. Keep posting teacup (I can't call you beaten!) and let us know how it goes.

Night, mushroom

I'm seeing him tomorrow night, I get nervous beforehand because I think my hopes will be dashed.

When I (cos of my own bad experiences with my very withholding, cold, distant ex) was clearly having a hard time with something but clearly couldn't manage to ask for help, he took my hand and said "It's OK to ask for help if you need it, there's nothing to be afraid of" because then I knew he really saw who I was.

When he was nervous about meeting my friends and family, not because he was scared or had anything to hide, but because he knew how much they mean to me and hoped they would think he was worthy of my time and affection. And ever since then he has always pretended to care what they're up to.

For me, most importantly, the first time he ever lost his temper around me (not with me, I must add), he didn't blame me or sulk for days, he caught himself doing it, stopped and said "Oh, look at me, I'm being ridiculous, I'm so sorry!" and made me a cup of tea. And that was the end of that.

Never had to worry if he would call

I agree - this is a lovely idea for a thread :) Nice to think about early signs he's a good'un for once.

DH can never stay angry at me and has never been able to. He got very cross with me about a year in to our relationship because I was having a paddy about what to wear to a wedding and started crying. We were standing in our hotel room and I was stropping and whingeing and generally being a pathetic brat, and he suddenly shouted 'You are being ridiculous, Mags, FGS!' very loudly...and then said 'I am going to go into the bathroom now because I am shouting and I dont want to shout at you, my darling'...went into bathroom for 30 seconds...came out, gave me a big hug and said 'Look, woman, just pick a dress because you are bloody gorgeous whatever you wear. And Iam very sorry I raised my voice'.

i think he has raised his voice maybe twice in 11 yrs. He doesnt have an aggressive - or passive-aggressive - bone in his body. When we argue we always make up quickly, and he usually instigates apologies / cuddles.

He has always been a complete and utter softie with me

teacup I am so glad for you that things are going well. I recognise your disbelief that your Man can really be as nice as he seems as I have never before had a partner as considerate and kind and thoughtful as my Very Nice Man. We met (on POF) 9 months ago and have been together 7 months and still haven't had even a tiny argument. It's unnerving! because I can be a grumpy cow

I knew immediately that he was good for me because:
I always knew he would text/phone email back when he could
I knew he wouldn't mess me about -not a games player at all.
He is kind to his sister parents and children and has many friends.
He is on good terms with his Ex and speaks proudly of her.
He laughs at himself and at me (kindly) and we share many of the same faults so I never feel he is critical.
He took three months to say the L word and still feels scared of it!
He defrosts my car windscreen, puts fresh batteries in my bike lights and brings me tea in bed without being asked.
I feel cherished. I trust him. I hope I will be with him a long time!

DP came half way home with me on the tube the first night we met (in case of nutters!) even though he lived in the opposite direction.

Since that night nearly 18m ago, he has shown me every day how much he loves, respects and appreciates me and why he deserves the way I feel about him.

Agree with the calling/texting often, but not in a nutty checking up on you kind of way.

Could relax and be myself.

He's a happy person who sees the good and the interesting in other people.

I'm still getting used to the fact that he doesn't judge me for reading trashy novels, watching Desperate Housewives or listening to INXS.

He doesn't have to 'win' the conversation.

He encourages me and gives me practical support to achieve the things I want, rather than undermining me.

He would rather I write or spend time with friends, or generally do stuff that makes me happy, than clean the house.

My reply would be: great, but you need to see these positive qualities in lots of different situations, over a significant period of time. It's relatively easy to present a kind and caring side, or be a great listener, when you are on a date with someone you really like very early in a relationship, it's in the other situations such as with family or at work or under pressure or later on when the initial love-in is dying off a bit that it really counts.

It's not that people are deliberately deceptive (some may be but I tend to assume the best), more that they put their best foot forward in the early days, as well all do. There are lots of threads on here where people appear to have 'changed' since being married or since moving country or whatever, I suspect actually the new situation highlighted the previous existing problems, people don't chance character overnight.

I don't mean to rain on your parade, it's just when friends ring me with a list of reasons that he's the one, they usually have their rose-tinted spectacles on (no ego, no-one has no ego!), and I always advise, just keep seeing how it is over a longer period of time, look for the evidence in lots of places and situations and with different types of people. If you see this, you've got a keeper.

Aww, I was thinking about this the other day. When I was first with my dh I was 28, he was 26, and we didn't have any friends who had children. Except he knew a slightly older couple who had a little girl of about 2 or 3 and he was her God Father. I remember being really taken with the care he took over finding out from her parents what she wanted for her birthday, getting the present and card, wrapping it nicely and getting it in a jiffy bag and in the post well in time for her birthday - he made it a priority in his life, even though he was mainly out having fun and doing what carefree 26 year old blokes do - I was quietly impressed.

This is a lovely thread indeed. It nicely juxtopositions the "red flag" one.

I agree with Mumsy about taking it all in context and also being aware of any "gut" reactions e.g. he is doing most things "right" but there are one or two things that are a bit (for me it was keeping contact to an absolute minimum between dates - it made me feel sick inside, and the real reason was that "nice" as he seemed he didn't actually want a relationship. I have to say I felt very "used" sexually afterwards because his other actions told a contrary story.)

However, back to main thread. I think its fab, and its wonderful that there are women who have found a really fab man in their lives . Thanks OP for posting it.

How he treats his mother is a huge "ace" flag.

Also, on the second date, if he holds your hair out of the way whilst you vomit, and then still fancies you in the morning, you know you've got a keeper.

But worldgonecrazy Are we looking for a man who treats his mother with respect and love, but doesn't take any of her interfereing MIL crap or are we looking for a mummy's boy who panders to her every whim at the expense of his new love? See, it could go either way

Actually, this is true - My DP is good to his mum, although doesn't live to close now so its difficult and she really mothered him, he didnt move out until he was 35 FGS, but it was a healthy relathionship. His brother on the other hand - total mummy's boy, woudlnt LET his first wife wash his clothes because she didnt do it like mummy did, would sit slagging off his ex (not ex at the time) with his mum and left me cringing and wondering what she said about me (she has always been lovely to me though and to be fair the ex was a two timing cow it turns out). I chose the right brother

relathionship??? my hands are cold