Early signs that he's just ace

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Please forgive the thread about a thread, but have just started seeing someone and I suspect he's a possible keeper. But I've been reading the red flags thread and find myself starting to look for them in his behaviour, even though he hasn't really shown them. I've never really had a good, functioning relationship so it's all a bit unfamiliar.

And how soon can you know?

The things I think make this guy a possible legend are:

gentle, kind, cares about people
no ego, nothing to prove, self effacing
treats me with respect (this one feels quite unfamiliar but lovely)
doesn't make assumptions about what I like or want to do
seems to really like me
texts me every day and makes plans in advance
non judgemental

So please share what made you realise your partner was actually fantastic (not perfect) - and you could enjoy the relationship without worrying he's going to reveal that he's actually a twat.

Hurray!

Thanks "mushroom"

Or mushroom even. I blame wine

Please be kind, I feel a bit of an imposter here, no children of my own but a poster of nearly five years, mostly on the SN boards. I'm in what is only my second ever relationship.

I get a text over Facebook message daily, even if it's just to say hi, or ask how my day is going.
Random spontaneous presents
Being totally understanding if I have to change our plans due to uni work. Example, we will have been together sicx months in May, and we both really wanted to do something. Something has come up at uni so I'm busy on the actual day marking six month. His response, "that's ok, your studies should come first. We will do something another day".
Waiting with me for my bus home, and not getting on his until I'm safely on mine.
Not pressuring me into going back to his house or anything else.
Having the utmost respect for his family - he and his brother don't get on, but he will still look out for him.
Having met some members of my family, and some friends, being totally respectful of them. He's also great with my friend's eight month old, if we see them out and about, or arrange to meet up.
No mention of sex, goes back to the not pressuring me thing as I've never had sex and am very nervous about it and don't feel it's the right time

We've not had a row in nearly 6 months, I'm not sure if I should be worried or not...

Oh I'm glad I found this thread. I posted a really similar one which sank! I find it hard to know if all I am drawn to (and I am drawn to a nice guy( is the absence of RED flags. Is that more about what he isn't then?

Can tick off a few things mentioned by the OP though, so I am pleased I read this thread. It's helped. I think!

YY, I think some red flags are indicators of a lack of certain base things, respect for example (which includes no pressure), seeing other people as equals, being genuine, being kind, thinking/caring about you. Other red flags are signs of traits to watch out for - paranoia, jealousy, insecurity, anger problems, violence/aggressive nature, stinginess, sexism, any other kind if "ism"...

For a healthy relationship you want all of the bases, and none of the "problem" traits.

Lovely thread :)

beatenyellow! Hello! I remember your thread last year about a guy whosoundedlikeawalkingredflag Im so glad you have found a keeper you deserve it x

Lollipop welcome, you aren't an imposter! Well, at least, no more than me He sounds lovely.

Inquieta I know what you mean. Which is kind of why I started this one - I'm not really sure how my emotions etc all work as I'm used to dicks not very nice men (not aggressive, just not very kind/respectful towards me). I do think the sexual attraction is important - if he's a good guy and you fancy him, then there's nothing to worry about.

blapbird thank you! At the time I genuinely didn't realise what a complete and utter arse that man was. I remember being quite shocked that people thought it was his problem and not mine. I can't imagine how my self esteem would be now if I had stuck around.

I've processed a lot since then, emotionally (it was that and all the family skeletons came out of the closet at the same time, great timing) and I've realised that I do deserve love after all - but having met this guy, I'm still getting surprised at how nice someone can be

I have a "friend" who is just ace but utterly messed up by his childhood. He is therefore a confirmed bachelor but one of the nicest people I have ever met.
He texts me every day even just to say "how are you". He is fantastic with my autistic son, willingly does bits of DIY for me and recently helped me buy a new car via eBay which he then drove me 100 miles to collect and towed it back.

All I can do is cook him dinner regularly, spend time with him and hope he learns to trust me. If nothing else I know the good things to look for in any future relationship with someone else.

I did have a short relationship with him but he is too scared to commit to anyone tbh. So we have this friendship but no sex as I won't just sleep with him.

don't worry, I don't have children yet either but Another thing I'd say is how he is around kids and vice versa - Dnephew adores DH. He is literally his favourite person. Kids are a good judge of character I think and if they are happy round him, it's a good sign.

For me it was that he was aware of how I felt at all times and it mattered to him - he could see if my face dropped and something wasn't right. Especially during sex (I have had the occasional "flashback" type of feeling). He would see straight away that I was upset and stop what he was doing and ask what was wrong and how he could help, before I had even chance to tell him I wanted to stop and before the tears started rolling. It's amazing to me that someone could be that keyed into my needs emotionally. He listened and understood that I was upset because of past memories and nothing he'd done and has been totally there for me.

I could see he was a good friend, putting other people first. (but equally is not a doormat!)
He knew how much I cared about my family, and puts up with them and their crazy ways!
He does things that benefit me and make my life easier, when there isn't 'something in it for him' (ex was very selfish)
He is committed to 'us' e.g. Joining finances, saving for wedding, etc (never once complained when he went without)
He offered to drive to Scotland, from London, to pick me up because of snow and I had to get back for a wedding!
He has always encouraged me at work, he is proud of me, he doesn't mind that I earn more than him.
When I bought my own home not long after we met he said 'wow, that makes you a very attractive woman' - when we moved in together a few years later, we were driving through a county one day which was half way between where he lived and I lived when we met and he said 'you know, I thought we could have lived here'. When I asked why, it turns out he'd been thinking about where we could live that meant we could both work etc, and never let on how he would have liked to live together when I bought my flat, he just congratulated me on my achievement. Awwwww xx

Oh, and now he is am amazing husband and partner' not man child like my ex was