Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

'Was that about showing you himself to see how much he could get away with, then pushing the boundaries?'

Yes that was what she was saying. She had seen him too for a few sessions and she thought he was a psycho, or a man with strong psychopathic tendencies.

Part of what he would do was get a fixed idea about someone, what they were like, what sort of characteristics they had. There were no shades of grey in his mental pictures. He had as much of a chance of being utterly wrong about someone as right. A lot of his characterisations of people reflected his own insecurities. But sometimes he was capable of true insight, in a very creepy way. His insights never had any moral element to them though and they were never completely objective. They were the insights of someone who could see something he could exploit. This is what the therapist was getting at -- that he studied me and experimented a bit once he had me caught in his high beams.

God I've thought of even more, the ex girlfriend being a nutter, more like he was still shagging her and encouraging all the crazy.

He once encouraged me to take a 'small' paracetamol overdose so that my parents would see how upset I was they wouldn't allow him to stay over. Thank fuck I didn't do that.

Oh, and that time he was so upset because I left the flowers he had given me in his car because he had been a tosser. Never mind an apology.

And the time he asked me if I'd still love him if he was not handsome.
I said he was not that handsome and he had a strop.
He thought he was/is irresistible to women.

In fact, after we broke off, he told me I was ugly and that he could easily get a new woman.
He has recently changed his mind, apparently, because as his previous girlfriends (I'm only aware of one) were now married.
And he keeps asking about my imaginary boyfriend.

Just realised I fell for the 'psycho, mentally unstable' ex, woe is me story more than once.

Most recent ex loved to re-count a story where he had to drive miles to meet his ex at a curry place late at night because she'd phoned him sobbing she didn't have any money.

Now I know that couldn't possibly have happened because he was as tight as a gnats arse round a cartwheel :)

He was very generous though, with MY money

And the warning from SIL ( his brother's wife), who was a friend, about porn use.

TElling me all his exes were nuts/still in love with him.

Not having a good word to say about anybody

Sherry.

Not liking me wearing short skirts.

Not liking me talking to exes; even just ex shags - whereas he would drop everything to see his 'nutcase' ex.

Always need ing to borrow money.

Not being able to hold down a job (not good enough for him/boss had it in for him)

TElling me I was boring.

Telling me he prefered chunkier legs (as opposed to long and slim? Prick!)

Thinking his band was going to make it big (cringe)

Blaming his dad and his mother's death (20 years ago) for everything since

Making me lie to the police about his identity so he wouldn't get done for various driving offences.

Bloody hell, over 10 years ago and I can still remember this!

Incidentallly, when I left him, he told lots of people where I used to live that I was still obsessed by him and wouldn't leave him alone! I would never had known this, had my sister not met someone who told her. She put them striaight!

I wish my ex had had some family or friends to warn me off him. But his 'friends' were all shit scared of him - that should have been a sign in itself - and he blew so hot and cold with people that he didn't keep many friends for long periods. His family lived abroad, both parents dead so only a couple of siblings who he was very dismissive of.

Just remembered another very bad one.

He absolutely hated any man calling the house for me (not that many dared!). He put the phone down on my male boss for calling me at home, and interrogated a very old male friend on the phone before finally 'letting me speak to him for 2 minutes, but tell him if he calls again, I will come to his house and put manners on him'.

Vile.

I cannot believe I put up with it, I really can't.

My exH also told everyone he meet, once i separated from him, that I had mental health problems hence the marriage breakdown

A massive red flag is if they seem happy or satisfied when you don't get something you want (like a job or opportunity) or have a bad night out or pressure you not to do things for yourself or try to better yourself. If they get satisfaction out of you not doing well or not enjoying yourself away from them then they are not someone to be in a relationship with. They are not on your side and deep down are insecure and horrible to be with.

Yep. Ex told people we both know that I was possessive, controlling and clingy.

Ha.

Brilliant thread!

Constantly telling me how 'lucky' I was to have a H who still fancied me. Because loads of men stopped fancying their wives/girlfriends so I was really 'lucky'. Funny - I never felt lucky about this because he kept going on about it.

Not having any real friends because I was 'his best friend'.

Saying things like: 'I'm the only one who really knows you' as though he had X-Ray vision into my head.

And whenever I was sitting quietly ie wanting to be on my own or reading on my own he would say: 'Are you ok? Are you SURE?' so I would have to drop what I was doing and reassure him that yes I was fine - I just wanted a bit of time on my own.' 'Oh ok' he would say and droop away, only to return ten minutes later to say, 'Oh you're still reading.' Sigh

He hated me working in the evening. I'm freelance and have to sometimes. He would come upstairs and just stand at the study door. If I ignored him he would say 'Are you done yet?'

When I left him it was like crawling out from under a fuggy duvet and into the fresh air.

"A massive red flag is if they seem happy or satisfied when you don't get something you want"

Wholeheartedly agree with that, that's going on my list of things to keep a closer watch out for!

Lots and lots of similarities with these men.

Wondering if any of my knob ex's exes are on here, and whether they'd be saying the same things.

My confidence was at almost rock bottom when I finally left. I felt stupid - because, as he kept telling me, just because I had a degree, it didn't mean I was clever; ugly and dull.

In actual fact, I'd become quite meek, a stone under my healthy weight and walked with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I soon changed.

One of Ex's exes used to stalk him. Se would phone up the house and cry down the phone to me, telling me I had no idea what they shared together and that he would come running back to her eventually. I thought she was a psycho bitch and used to tell her not to call again or just out the phone down on her .

In retrospect, I think he abused her quite badly and she had some sort of breakdown. She was quite young and from a sheltered background, whereas he was clever as a fox and very manipulative. He told me himself that she had several abortions and 'went crazy' after he last one. What a bastard he was.

Poor girl. I sometimes wonder what happened to her.

Blimey its almost as if these men are all cut from the same cloth or all graduated from the Dennis Waterman charm school with a distinction!

Urrgh, yes Frizzbonce, not being able to have any space to read, work, be on the internet etc etc in peace.

It's like living with an adult toddler who cannot entertain himself when 'mummy's' attention isn't on him

According to my ex, it's unnatural to want to spend time quietly just by yourself and he never needed any.

Funny then how much time he spent being mentally absent through weed and playstation when it suited him though.

"I wish my ex had had some family or friends to warn me off him" - in my case I wish his friend and a mutual friend of mine at the time hadn't done such a bleddy sales job on just how great he was and pushing us together.

Of course I didn't have to go out with the guy but I still clearly remember my friend telling me how lovely he was, the same age as me, how he's never travelled because he didn't have anyone to encourage him, how his weed use had spiralled upwards of late and a 'good' woman would help him get a grip on that....blah blah blah.

Instead of thinking, eff me, no way am I going there all I heard was 'I can help him, I can fix him' Awwwww, poor soul

The "psycho ex" thing is a classic and a giveaway.
Also lying, and usually lying about nothing, or telling strange stories for no reason at all - things like claiming to be related to famous people, or having had a string of improbable and exciting jobs disproportionate to their age, experience and current line of work.

I've only ever had one boyfriend go really weird on me, and the thing that set my sensors going was his obsession with surprises. I would never be allowed to plan dates or nights out with him, it would always have to be a surprise, and if I insisted, I was being a spoilsport and unromantic. We almost split up when he insisted on taking me abroad for a weekend, and wouldn't tell me where we were going. He kept blethering on about "whisking me away" when he knew I hated surprises. It was his way of being controlling and getting away with it. He would also deliberately give me presents he knew I didn't want, like fancy underwear or cuddly toys.

The controlling did become overt - getting jealous of my friends, my relatives and even my pets - and I got rid then. The next boyfriend ignored me most of the time, which was bliss compared to surprises and sulking.

I can assure you mine really was...

"He would also deliberately give me presents he knew I didn't want, like fancy underwear or cuddly toys"

Ooh, I was going to put that as well - especially bad on gift giving occasions.

He knew full well what I really wanted because I'd given him plenty of specific ideas but alway got the opposite.

An example being the Sherlock Holmes boxset of the BBC series - 4 years after I stopped watching that and had in fact virtually begged for the Bones boxset.

And the 'expensive' jewellery (very occasionally) - I personally don't give a rats behind what something cost but if someone is going on and on and on about how much you'll love the item and how he had to hunt for it everywhere and just how much it cost only to then be staring at an Elizabeth Duke special is crap.

I couldn't date someone again who was so inconsiderate of my needs. Exp couldn't let me study at home ie shut up and turn the telly down etc he just couldn't. Now I am a bit wiser I realise he was thrilled by this need for quiet and took full advantage of my vulnerability in that way :-(

Definitely yes to the bloody surprises

I had a surprise birthday party every fricking year!

He also liked to fix things as a surprise as well. Him and his bloody father would do it all the bloody time.

I can't count how many times he'd come back from his patent's and say "my dad's washed your car for you", yes because little ol' me could never manage it by my little self!

I could never mention a fault with it for fear it would be "fixed for me" as soon as I let the poor car out of my sight.

My absolute favourite was when stbx-fil was talking to me about it in words of one syllable. He actually said, and I quote "it's a 1.9 you know!".

I did know.

Thats it@Whipping.

Ex didn't actually care about me, looking back.

He didn't care if I was tired, ill, sad, upset, stressed, busy. He only looked at me in relation to how i could fulfill his needs.

I always got shouted at for crying because women only cry to get their own way right?

Oh God, yes. I cried to 'make him feel bad' and 'manipulate him'. Tosser.