Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

And he used to storm off on nights out too but I don't think he ever left me to walk home alone- instead, he left it just long enough so that I'd be upset and unsure about how to get home and then would reappear as if to rescue me once
I was vulnerable enough.

Water my friend's husband does the fake fit thing too!

There must be a sadistic streak that prompts the out of the car bullshit.

Maybe we have the same ex!

water - 'fraid so. Found it so cathartic to admit all that stuff, even just on here, as for years I've just buried it all. I was shocked by my own list! But he doesn't do quite such outrageous things any more... it's all much more hard to see.

Glad he's not quite so outrageous these days. But you don't sound very happy, nonetheless :(

arthur Maybe! I can only hope you aren't the one he showed me pornographic photos of

'Much more hard to see'...that sounds worrying. I hope you're ok.

Charlotte - any chance of you leaving him? Pretty please!

I used to have the storming off on nights out too, and on days out sometimes. Usually if it was a celebration of some kind - like my birthday or our anniversary - he'd engineer some kind of argument then blow up over it, storm off leaving me floundering around wondering what on earth had gone wrong, then later phone me constantly on my mobile ranting and talking round in circles. The next day or later he'd refer to 'our argument' and I honestly did convince myself on many occasions that I was equally involved in the argument.

I gave up trying to find out where he'd gone and placate him - one time he left me in the middle of town in the daytime so I turned my phone off and went to the pictures. He was furious

Thank God I don't have to deal with this crap any more. Life is just so peaceful without him.

Well, since you asked so nicely, ChooChoo... :o

I'm trying to figure out what to do. Quite honestly, the prospect of splitting up terrifies me, partly because I don't think my family and friends would understand, partly because life would be so difficult dealing with him about our 4 young dcs. I might decide it's easier to stay and just try to let the negativity wash over me. But then, while I'm not in danger physically, pyschologically I'm still not clear what the effect on me is. It's not good either way!

I have just rather belatedly come across this thread. My Twunt left suddenly on 1st August, since discovered he's been having an affair and OW is 7+ months pregnant. I had no idea. I am 16 weeks pregnant and he is not interested in me or the baby. We've been together 10 years, married for 4.

• The storming off is a big red sign for me. Often on days out or when I was least expecting it. Storming off with a threat. I was usually baffled as to the extremity of his reaction. The more I ignored the drama, the more distant he got. Almost 'WHY aren't you pandering to moods?' I made a mental decision last year to stop being affected by his constant drama, and this is when his affair started. I think these two are linked.

• Would openly show disapproval or anger towards me in public (even in front of my parents). Had no idea what was appropriate and what should be behind closed doors. Wouldn't think anything of making a scene in a public place.

• Never took responsibility for his own actions or moods.

• No real empathy for anyone else. I always knew this deep down.

• Very charming on the outside, especially in situations where he had to impress (at work, social events, being served by an attractive shop assistant). The other side of him was very different - moody, distant, a bit depressed. Only I saw this.

• Very hot and cold. I was either flavour of the week or the root of all his woes. I had no idea usually why I was one or the other. It was either hearts and flowers or he wouldn't speak to me for hours/days.

• Insecure. And not able to accept it or admit it.

• Not many friends. And this was always my fault for some reason, even though I have some good friends.

• Didn't really open up or speak to his family.

I could go on,...... I suspect I'm only repeating what has been said before.

Making out I was, not quite ugly, but giving subtle drip-drip messages over the years that I was not one of the Pretty Women, whilst contradicting that at times, so you thought you might have semi-imagined it, or he was just wording it badly, giving that he was a bit of a Social Klutz.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

Oops not sure what I did there!!

ParsleyTheLioness - I've been there. First boyfriend was exactly like this, down to the Social Klutz thing. He actually gave me marks out of 10 for looks and bedtime performance. To think I stayed with him for nearly 2 years...

Ah yes, wol and the variation on that is the men, and other people have reported this, who have said I think you are beautiful buy no-one else does, so you somehow feel you should be grateful until you grow a pair of tits...

Ok, deep breath...

Ex no. 1:

Smashed my housemate's bedroom window in a drunken fit.

Fired for smashing every computer in the office.

Used my house without my permission to hide 1000 ecstasy tablets.

Disappeared on a drug binge for 3 days then returned begging me to lend him £700 as he'd bought drugs "on the tick" and dealer was going to break his legs.

Heavy breathing calls in the middle of the night from rival drug dealers he had pissed off.

Read my diary then trashed my room when he didn't like what I'd written about my feelings for someone else (years prior to that relationship)

Disappeared for 3 weeks with no contact, slept with another woman, then randomly turned up again, no explanation.

Punched me in the face and broke my front tooth. (In fact got violent and abusive pretty much every time he drank)

Told me on our anniversary that he wanted to kill my Dad and "chop his legs off".

Broke his own Dad's ribs on Christmas day.

Told me on the final day of my university exams that he could "quite easily kill me"

Got paralytic in the pub while I was sitting another exam (he failed uni, so had a massive problem with me succeeding) badmouthing me to everyone there that knew me

Went mental in supermarket one day because I wouldn't buy him sweets (yeah, seriously!) trashed several aisles of food.

Fucked off to Mexico without telling me (good riddance!)

Years later lied to new girlfriend that I was a fantasist who'd made up that he hit me (next time I saw her she'd left him because he'd hit her too)

Ex no. 2

Smashed glass panel in my front door in a rage because I'd accidentally clipped wing mirror on his car.

Arrested for GBH after he glassed a man in a bar.

Arrested for causing a fray in another bar, then wanking himself as police tried to restrain him in the cell.

Wanking into petri dishes and storing them in the fridge.

(He had mental health problems, so I find it hard to be bitter towards him. He took his own life by hanging himself)

Ex no. 3

Had never moved out of his mum's house, aged 30.

Completely domestically useless - lived on takeaway curry, had no clue how to cook. Had a massive strop for days because I didn't appreciate the one time he "made" me breakfast in bed - it was a kit kat with walkers crisps arranged around it on a serviette!

So vain he took twice as long to get ready as me. Had sulked and didn't speak to me for ages because he reckoned I'd broken his hair straighteners (even though I hadn't)

Superiority complex - never listened to anything anyone else said, meaning every time he met my friends he asked them the same bloody questions! That REALLY started to grate after a while.

Thought he was shit hot in bed when really he was incredibly selfish and only cared about what looked good (porn addict) not what felt good for me.

Allowed me to pay for us to go on holiday for my birthday, claiming he was too skint to buy me a present then the following week I found a receipt for £900 he's spent on a mountain bike.

Sanctimonious twat never stopped banging on about how much "integrity" he had.

Couldn't handle his drink, so always pissed the bed after a night out.

Bought my mum bath salts for Christmas (when he'd been to the house numerous times and knew she didn't have a bath) then called her ungrateful
when she jokingly pointed this out.

Freaked out, curled up in a ball on the floor shaking and having a panic attack because he "couldn't cope" with a three mile walk with my family!!

Ex no. 4

Fired for assaulting a pupil in school where he was a teacher.

Fired for gross misconduct for aggressive behaviour towards senior colleague.

Fell out with virtually everyone he ever worked with / had ever been friends with.

Turned my so-called best friend against me (it was three years before we spoke again)

Couldn't go a single day without starting an argument and creating a drama about nothing.

Sponged off me for years, repeatedly tried to get me to sell my house so we could have some spare cash for him to indulge his pipe dream of being an artist.

Every time the supply teaching agencies rang offering him a day's work he would turn it down because it was "too stressful" despite the fact I worked long hours in a job I hated to keep our heads above water.

Constantly laid a guilt trip on me that he moved cities to be with me and he couldn't find work / make friends - this of course was my fault despite the fact I actively encouraged him to do both.

Hit me when he was drunk, then claimed I was lying because he had no recollection of it and I must have got the bruises from "falling over".

Had me believe for years that he didn't want to sleep with me because I was a horrible person when really he had joined a gay dating site and was seeing other men behind my back.

Blaming me for "turning" him, then I found evidence he'd been on gay site long before we'd even met.

Accused me of non existent affairs, phoning up a platonic male friend and going ballistic at him down the phone on the same day I'd found out that my nana died.

Proposed to me three times, in three years, but never bought me a ring.

Once told me over 20 times in a 2 week period that he wanted to break up with me, then changed his mind and wanted to get back together again.

Constantly told me that no one else would ever be able to put up wit e

Couldn't articulate himself without swearing - once during a 5 minute car journey I counted that he said the F word more than 70 times.

Abandoned me when I was pregnant.

Buggered off to another city owing my dad over 6k - no attempt to pay it back.

Now he is back in his home city, which he claimed was paved with gold compared to the "shit-hole" where I live. In the 18 months he's been there he has failed to find any employment or opportunities and is living with his Aunty who only has a spare room because her own son is in jail.

............................................................................................................

When I write this all down it is incredibly cathartic, but also truly horrifying - I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I'm now with a man who is kind, sweet, considerate, respectful, listens to me and adores me - it's been a real eye opener! He says to me my problem was that I was too bloody nice for my own good - I had an endless capacity to forgive and see the best in people because to me that was what love was - unconditional. I now know that love is NOT unconditional (except perhaps for your children). Love is there to be shared with those who treat you with respect. I've also learned how to say no, without feeling like a heartless cow. Life is a hell of a lot happier (and simpler) these days!

Good grief Ansk. Glad things are better now.

Thought I would add the biggest one of all.
Thinking it will all be alright when ... (add anything you like here- job, house ... ) :(
It is either alright, or it isn't.
There is no 'when'

Charm slowly fading out - no longer holding open doors, offering books, polite smiles. More eye rolling more subtle digs. Friends liking initially and then avoiding talking about him at all after he insults them (despite me apologising on his behalf and assuming he didn't mean any of it). Subtle hints from him that he had a dark side and 'things just happen to me'. Moving on to complete lack of ability to believe anything in his life that went wrong was in any way his fault. Risk taking, needing thrills including alcohol. Not having any friends or introducing me to anyone despite being in the country for over a year before we met (that was a MASSIVE problem for me). Listen to the stories of their past and if they seem extreme and dangerous it shows you the kind of man he is deep down. God there were so many, but when you get pg you gloss over them and hope it is some kind of mid-life crisis. You don't want to believe this is just the way he is and has always been.

Oh I forgot, there's more:

Ex no. 4:

Smashed down bathroom door because he thought I was "up to something" (yes, changing tampon!) didn't fix door for over 2 years.

Went mental at my 67 year old dad, who had offered to drive him to pick up a new car from a different city (after my dad had been working 50 miles in the opposite direction all day) because my dad dared to sigh (through sheer exhaustion) just at the moment ex mentioned his parents (ex convinced my dad was being disrespectful to the in-laws!)

Went through all my emails and bank statements to prove I was "hiding something". No apology when he realised I wasn't.

Treated me like his PA, constant emails throughout the day: print this / edit that / put this in my diary despite the fact I had a full time job and he was arsing about at home doing his "art".

Told anyone who would listen that he paid a fortune to live in my house and that I was obsessed with money - he paid on average £300pcm for EVERYTHING including food and he would eat me out of house and home. I paid at least 700pcm towards living expenses and did all the housework.

Gave him a room in my house to decorate and use as he liked (despite only having 2 bedroom house) he used it as a dumping ground, never went in there expect to open the door and throw crap in, then went nuts after four years when I decorated it and made it into a usable room because he had "no space".

I'll probably think of more...

Arthritic so true. I always thought it was just him having an off day or because he doesn't like where I live, or because he was hungover or because he couldn't stand the Winter...so many excuses he had for being a bully!

Anskabel, just wish you were making those guys up!

Was ridiculously self-effacing to begin with eg said 'I've been a bloody fool' when we disagreed about something v. minor.

OTT presents (all about what he liked though)

Planned stuff he wanted to do and acted as though I did.

Asked me to marry him 6 weeks in. Got v. sulky when I laughed and said it was far too soon, kept on til I said yes

Always reasons why he couldn't help me out but I always had to help him.

Creepy round my family and friends.

Always asking if he was 'a lovely man' wtf! He got to know my genuine answer eventually! Tried hard to keep up the 'lovely man' image outside the home, not sure anyone every one was convinced.

Insisted 'we' go to have a bra fitted! Discussed said bra with assistant as though I wasn't there (she and I exchanged glances - bit still I didn't dump him

Used occasions I was ill to be nasty, neglectful or get angry. Ditto special occasions. Particularly Xmas.

Nothing too trivial to get irrationally angry about.

House in his name. Phone bills checked online every day. Always complained about money but he could spend anything he wanted but I couldn't even food shop without constant criticism and bill analysis. No heating on in winter.

Everything in his life was so much more important than anything in mine.

His ex was a mad, drunk who he had total disdain and contempt for. Made jokes at others expense, enjoyed embarrassing them, making them uncomfortable.

Never apologised. Ever.

Would never listen or respond to a complaint because I said it wrong - too aggressive, confused, disrespectful, unkind, angry, resentful, abusive! Always got the feeling that I could be anyone really, that he didn't know me at all despite being married for almost a decade.

Very immature and unrealistic about relationships. If it wasn't perfect he didn't want to know, wasn't interested in talking and compromising, but 'perfect' constantly changed and was never attained in any case.

Stonewalling par excellence - could keep it up for months - in fact years!

Gaslighting ditto - really good at getting me to feel so confused I thought I was going mad.

Would be angry and sulky if I didn't want sex - even if it was because I was ill. Told me he wanted sex with his wife every night and got really 'offended' when I said that was selfish and failed to take into account that your partner might not want to or might be ill, until I agreed it was a 'beautiful idea'.

Angry behaviour escalated to throwing things, shouting in my face, physically intimidating. Sure it would have escalated to violence if I'd stayed.

No friends, just work colleagues. His best man tried to warn me off few weeks before wedding. Bad relationships with all his family. Contemptuous of his mother and belittling and patronising to her. Nasty about her behind her back. Never tried to help her in any way. Resented her not helping him. Very critical of one son (scapegoat) irrationally guilty/devoted to other. And you guessed it, played them off against each other.

A decade, bringupthebabies?

I just hope there are women in the early stages of bad relationships reading these stories and packing their bags, but who knows? People can be very blinkered.

I was watching some of Alfie last night, and thinking his pregnant, downtrodden girlfriend could have done with mumsnet!

Storming off for no good reason is a big one for me. I still have the texts he sent me, from before we were living together accusing me of sleeping with someone else after he stormed off when I asked him if he had had anything to eat (he was a bit tipsy at his leaving to from work). Hind fucking sight...

Just remembered some more...

Ex no. 1: Took me to a party where everyone was smoking heroin. When I refused to join in and said it was for losers, he laughed in my face and let me walk home on my own at 5am.

Ex no. 2: Obsessed with getting me to have a threesome...with his BROTHER.

Ex no. 3: Whenever I was upset (including bereavement) I was selfish for bringing him down. If he was upset then of course it was my fault.

Ex no. 4: Drank drive, once trying to drive off while I was leaning against the bonnet.

Happy days...

Just want to add my own from my teens. Might help, and will feel good to get it out!

A few very early red flags - I was just 15, he was 18, early declarations of love, extreme over-reaction to me not responding the 'right way'. Ie, he was trying to impress me with some sciencey speak, and I corrected him - he shouted, insulted me, and then even cried, until I backtracked and said I was probably wrong. (I wasn't)

He would always say he was so intelligent and I wasn't. He made me feel so thick, when I really, really wasn't.

He mocked my hobby relentlessly, until in the end I gave it up.

He installed a keytracker type spyware thing on his younger step-sister's pc. I am so so outraged on her behalf now.

He bullied me into eating ridiculous amounts of chocolate. Sounds so stupid now, but he really laid on the threats. I truely felt I had no choice.

There was an incident with his father once. It was awful. His step-sister came running up to his room screaming for help, saying his dad was beating up her mum. She was so so distraght. He (boyfriend) just sat there, on his stupid computer, and told her to mind her own business. She was sobbing and was terrified her mum would be killed. I went downstairs with her and saw her 10 year old brother hitting the dad, who was hitting the mum. They stopped when they saw me and the dad stormed off. Those poor poor children. I was shaking when I went back upstairs to boyfriend's room. He had a big grin on his face and told me he'd just won some computer game. Like nothing had happened.

There was a horrible embarrassing sexual incident where he was pretending something I was doing to him was arousing, (it was a weird thing!) And then he started laughing and it was all 'just a joke'. But I was really humiliated!

He made a website called something like lardyDell28.com. To imply I was fat. It wasn't even secret. He was really proud of it and showed everyone! It had photos of me, and of very overweight women with my face imposed on top.

I got pregnant aged 16. It was 'my problem". He accepted no responsibility. Wouldn't come with me to arrange abortion. The people there would 'judge him unfairly'. I felt very uneasy about having an abortion, but equally uneasy about having his child. In the end I miscarried. Started bleeding about 20 minutes before my GCSE maths exam. He hung up on me when I phoned him crying, not knowing what to do. Should I do exam? Go to hospital? I sat the fucking exam. Got a B. Then I WALKED the 4 miles to the hospital because I had no money for a bus or taxi and he wouldn't give me any. Anyway, there were complcations and I ended up with surgery and a 10 day hospital stay. He didn't visit once. Then on the day after I was discharged, and under strict instruction not to lift anything heavy, he made me carry a large speaker up the stairs.

He videoed us having sex without my knowledge. When I was 15.

He cheated on me a few times.

Physical violence was beginning to appear. Pushes, prods. Flicks. Fucking flicks!! All the time. And they really hurt.

And then, we split up. He actually left me. I cannot believe the escape I had. I would never have dared leave him. So they are my 'red flags'. Writing it down makes it so clear how things escalated. Now for the horrifying behaviour the flags led to...

A few weeks after dumping me he broke into my house, trashed my room, and stole back gifts he had given me.

A few months later we were at the same party. He sexually assaulted me, very violently. He trapped me in the room afterwards and then started talking about how terrible he felt. Not for me, for his new girlfriend. I had made him 'cheat on her' apparently. He took out a knife and began running it over his wrist, saying he would kill himself. I was trying to comfort him, ffs! After what he had just done to me! Then he stopped, laughed, and said "why would I kill myself? It's your fault'. And then he came at me with the knife. I escaped with minor injuries luckily, but was absolutely terrified.

I just can't believe I went through all that aged 15/16. The relationship lasted just over 18 months. I am so so so thankful I miscarried the baby. To be tied to him for life would have been just awful. And I am so thankful he dumped me! Kindest thing he ever did. After the assault I moved to a new city. Literally the next week. I lost pretty much all my friends. I had to start everything again. School, jobs, house. (I was already not living with my parents). Even silly things like a new email, new phone number. I even took my mum's maiden name as my surname. I was terrified he would find me.

Over 10 years later, I'm married, nice husband, nice house, nice kids (one dead kid though - it seems not all my bad karma was spent back then), I don't even think about that horrible boyfriend often. But my God, the thought of what could have been will haunt me for a long time.

I am so thankful he only took 18 months of my life.