Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Yes exactly that mags.

Met up with an ex today just to catch up about recent split. A nice ex who still respects me and cares for my well ring with no ulterior motive. He was understanding and appropriately concerned about me. His normal psychologically healthy behaviour made me feel about a million times more mangled in the head and confused about my tolerance if exp. sigh. I have become that person who tries to be strong and then crumbles because someone is nice to them. I think that might be a defining moment in admitting it was acute EA

Mine only asked if I was feeling better after being ill/giving birth to find out if I was up to serving his needs, like giving him a BJ, not because he cared how I was feeling. Mostly if I was ill I still had to serve his needs.

The "phycho ex" does seem to be a common trait in 90% of the cases -taking no responsibility for any relatioship breakdown, it is always the other person.

I do sometimes wonder what the ex is telling other people about me now. We broke up several years ago, but I bet I have morphed into a spectacular psycho in his tales of woe. :o

More and more keep coming back to me whilst reading this thread

• He used to come shopping with me because he knew what looked best on me
• I had to go to his hairdresser, and he tell them what what I "wanted" done when booking
• I bought a bikini to be met with the comment "that would look so much better if your stomach was flatter"
• Made me join a gym because I was putting on weight (I was a size 6-8 at that point)
• When cleaning the house, the furniture hd to be put back EXACTLY into the grooves in the carpet - he would come home from work and crawl about the floor to check
• I wasn't allowed to speak to our old neighbour because her husband attempted suicide - it was clearly something she had done so would be a bad influence
• My 18th birthday was spent at home because we HAD to go to his parents for Sunday dinner the next day - every Sunday was spent at their house. My "treat" was a takeaway pizza

I have never really thought of it as EA before tho....just as he wasn't for me and was a bit of a knobber. Reading through here it's very cleaar he was following the same sad script as the rest of them

My ex (from many years ago) went out 'to get the shopping' and I stayed in because I was under the weather. While he was out a woman phoned and I answered, only to be told that she worked in a 'massage parlour' and that she had just given him sexual services only for him to run off without paying. Such was his hurry, that he had dropped his diary, hence her knowing his phone number and calling it. I was understandably shocked and had no idea what to think. On his return I asked him wtf was going on!

'Apparently' she was a jealous crazy ex out to cause trouble, and I was a jealous crazy bitch to have doubted him, and I was also in the wrong to have answered his phone and listened to her, oh and I was clearly paranoid, and also dishonest to 'pretend' to be ill and to take advantage and let him do the shopping whilst lounging on his sofa.

Unfortunately, I was very young and gullible. I believed him and ended up apologising, after being threatened and raged at. If I'd walked out at that point I could have saved myself from two years of psychological, sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

But I lived, and eventually learned!

Me too@Bumble. I have been a bit thrown by this thread this afternoon, actually.

I thought my boyfriend was a bit 'different' because he was:
a) not British and came from a completely different culture
b) had had a seriously rough upbringing
c) was just over protective because eh loved me so much and had never had anyone love him as much as I did (he fed this bullshit to me)

But no. He was just scumbag.

I feel like this thread should be put on paper and sent out to every teenaged girl in the country.

Having said that, I knew a lot of knobhead's behaviour wasn't normal, but I was 21, straight out of uni and he was ten years older and 'a man of the world'. I thought that maybe I'd become too far removed from my roots and hung about with students too long. Or 'styoooodents', said with a sneer.

When I met both my exh and my exb (who both turned out to be unhinged) I had vague feelings of unease about them. Nothing I could put my finger on but those feeling were there all the same. Both of them were funny, sexy, on my wavelength with their sense of humour etc.

It only occurred to me afterwards that if I had listened to my gut instinct instinct neither of those relationships would have gone anywhere. It was like the superficial stuff blinded me to who they really were.

I was 19, he was 29, Astr0 - I also felt that he must be more worldly than me (although I was not naive) and must really know better than me, and he played on this, constantly telling me that I was being immature/childish/oversensitive.

I feel the same@Becky. Do you know how I met my DH? He grabbed my arm in a bar and said 'You aren't going anywhere, you're coming to talk to me'. Actually grabbed my arm, quite hard, enough to feel sore for a while afterwards although not bruised. That was a red flag, wasnt it? Nice, normal guys can engage women in conversations without grabbing them and then blocking them into a corner. He also (quite aggressively, looking back) hassled me to lose my friends' so he could 'have me all to himself'

Stupidly, I chased at the beginning; thinking he must be more exciting than my existing, student boyfriend. I also believed all the the shite about teh band 'just being about to make it'. Because of the chasing, I felt on teh backfoot to begin with and that he didn't really want to be with me, so I'd have to try harder. I behaved very out of characer from teh beginning.

I used to get the immature thing a lot. He also became quite vitriolic about one of my friends who was a little older than me and had a strong personailty; to the point where I cooled that friendship. Presumably this was because she would see through him.

All of my friends stopped coming round because he woukd get very drunk and abuse them in way he thought was witty and humorous. Towards the end, the best I could hope for about the drinking was that he'd drink enough quickly to pass out. SAdly, he could drink, and drink, and drink.

I would like to add that, whilst not a pleasant two years, it's made me a much stronger person and in a strange way, better in a relationship.

It also means I'll know exactly what to look for in any of dd's potential bfs in the distant future.

Mags - you're right it's a massive red flag. Unfortunately as well as having all of the emotional maturity of a stick of broccoli they also have charm and charisma by the bucket load. I was reading somewhere, can't remember where, that the 'butterflies' feeling you get with some men is actually your fight or flight instinct kicking in and sometimes this gets mistaken for attraction.

And of course most of the time, before he decides to get out the big guns and decimates you, he is almost the perfect man, with only the very occasional slip up. Sex is amazing, he is amazing and you have told the world and his mother what a great guy he is. It's almost embarrassing to admit what a wanker he is after you have built him up so much.

@ MagsAloof

When I finally decided to leave, I was honestly shocked by my sister saying that I should pack a bag and leave it with my neighbour, the "bad influence", so I could get out quickly and call her to come and pick me up. I remember thinking that she was totally over-reacting, he wasn't a bad person, I was the evil one for wanting to spilt up etc etc but I can see now why she said it. She could clearly see him for the twunt that he was and how easily it could spill over into physical abuse

Every single one of my family said afterwards that they didn't like him but didn't feel they could say anything to me because, being young and stupid, I wouldn't have listened.

Same here, Bumblefeck. Mum said she was worried that if she'd said anything, I'd've been with him longer. She did say that had marriage ever come up, she'd've had to say something. That still makes me choke a bit, cos my mum never, ever interfered in our lives, so she must've been terrified.

Ps. The sex was shit, so why did I stay? I'd've been having flings by the bucketload had it been an earlier boyfriend, but I was always scared he'd find out.

Various incidents from three ex's (I've learnt my lesson now, I hope!)

Taking me to pubs/restaurants far away from where we lived, as it was 'romantic'. Turns out, he was engaged so obviously didn't want to be spotted by anyone he knew.

I'd go out with friends. Come home later than I'd said. Him - "You've been seeing a man! Haven't you!!" Then launch into a diatribe about how women were always fucking him over. This happened a lot.

Belittling the fact that I like books and poetry. Apparently I was stuck up and thought I was better than other people

If I cried, he screamed at me to stop. Said I was manipulating him and, "the last bitch did that as well".

Once took hold of my own hand and slapped my face with it.

Incessantly talked to me all through the night and wouldn't let me sleep.

Would leave up to a dozen drunken, abusive messages on my phone through the night, calling me a fucking cunt and similar. That was nice to wake up to :(

Told me my arms were hairier than his :(

Couldn't deal with me being ill. Once hung up on me when I needed help :(

All three told me they loved me within days. There's a lot of recurring behaviour on this thread, isn't there?

I feel so sad and angry that I put up with this crap. Feels good to write it down though.

My mum was the one who finally made me see sense (after 4 years of this shit, which had spilled over into physical and sexual abuse, and made ma shadow of my former self). She basically imprisoned me in her house for a night and talked to me for hours. Told me I was breakig her heart having to watch me falling apart and that I was a better, stronger person than this. The next day she came with me while he was at work, we took my stuff, loaded it in to her car, and left. He arrived back as we pulling away and actually had the cheek to smile and wave at my mum. I dont think he realised she was escorting me away from the flat forever. He probably thought she had come to take me out for a bit, and that he could play 'Mr Nice' to her face, and then harangue me about going out without his permission later.

Phew. bad memories.

Astr0naut - I think that why we stay is complicated. For me it was partly that I wanted to get back to the great relationship I thought that we had in the beginning. I thought that if I told him how much he was upsetting me he would see the light and go back to how he used to be.

What I didn't realise either time it happened was that the initial honeymoon period was a ploy to reel me in. It wasn't real. The abusive relationship was the real one. I just couldn't get my head around it. Why would anyone want to hurt the person they say they love? It didn't make sense.

I realised that during the early stages, when you want to tell each other stories about your life and your vulnerabilities, they were actually studying me to find my weak spots. And then using them against me to hurt me.

No-one wants to feel like they meant nothing. But that is how they make you feel in the end. And to them you are nothing. They just move on to their next victim and pretend you were a nutter so they can reel someone else in with their sob stories about horrible women.

I stayed for myriad stupid reasons.

I thought he loved me and that was why he was so 'protective'
I thought I could change him.
he treated me like a Queen - in the beginning
We had a lot of fun - in the beginning
The sex was amazing - in the beginning.
I thought I could get things back to how they were.

Things got worse and worse, and yet I stayed for probably a good 2.5 years whie things were really bad. Really, really terrible.

Yes, learning what your Achilles Heel is/are, then using them....

A mummy who he still kissed on the lips when saying goodbye. Aged thirty-five.

I stayed because I was madly in love, or obsessed would be a better word. And it was so amazing in the beginning, if I only tried a little harder and would not make all those mistakes that upset him, surely we could go back to that..

Weird telephone behaviour?

NOT calling when he said he would.
Being very loving charming on one call, then refusing to take the next one, and being elusive/unavailable and not answering for days. Then being nice again...
Becoming very angry (over the top angry) if you called at an inconvenient time, which you couldn't possibly have known about (that it wasn't a convenient time to call I mean). He sent me abusive emails if I called him at the "wrong time". I said why not just turn your phone off like normal people if you don't want to be disturbed at a particular time?
Sometimes he would pick up the phone in order to slam it down several times, just in case you didn't get the message that he didn't want to talk.
At times he would pick up, then pretend he couldn't hear you, ie "Hello? Hello? HELLO?" etc until you hung up in frustration.

This was apparently the fault of his "psycho ex" who had a "personality disorder" and her never-explained phone behaviour caused him to have a pathological fear of the telephone....

I had never encountered this sort of behaviour before and found it emotional torture/a total headfuck. When we were together he was lovely, when we were apart he was absolutely horrible.

Mine would be distant and cold and monosylabic on the phone, but as soon as I saw him in person, he would maul and molest me, and be just totally, inappropriately physical. Ick.

Getting angry when I shed tears in public as i embarrassed him.

Telling me it was my fault BIL had heart attack as I hated him (nope, I thought he was a good man).

Being vile to me in public by using another languagewhilst smiling at everyone else.

Using my private diary against me.

Using my inner most fears to taunt me

I suppose we should be sorry for them, they are so weird/fucked up. Or maybe calculatedly abusive...It was definitely an experience I wish I had avoided...

Ick yes, my ex, after a day of being vile, hence me being quiet and distant, decided he needed reassurance. The best way to do this he decided would be to come over and snog me and grope one breast while our son was feeding on the other breast. Bleurgh!!!