Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

He did the same with his next poor woman.

Reluctance to use condoms/pressure for sex/discussing children very early. Getting me pregnant quick, getting me to give up my own house quick, so when I did have feelings of unease, thought I'd better marry him.

Said I walked in an "unfeminine" way, and "people notice how a woman walks". (chipping at my confidence)

An earlier abuser, actually told me he thought of a woman with big breasts, when having sex with me. He also showed me porn, said porn use normal. (I still wonder, don't all men use porn? or not).

Called his 2 exW 'lunatics'

Told me he had only been married once

Picked up one of his children (from his exW, not me) and full on shouted at her in a rage - snidely called me a 'parenting expert' when I called him on it

Hated his mother and sister

Would never allow me to meet his mother or sister

Told me that 'abuse can be perpetrated by the woman as well' - yeah right, when you are 6'4" and a misogynist???

Said that one his neighbours had called the police because his exW was abusing him

Said that I had 'problems' and that he was only trying to point them out to me

As the relationship continued, the abuse on his children (with the above exW) lessened, but it increased on me, effectively I was their buffer

One evening over dinner, he managed to say 9 negative things about me in a row, until I threw him out of my flat

I know there are loads more..... mysogynistic twat

Oh, detached, that sounds awful . My DH of 10 yrs does not use porn, btw. Not all men do.

Ex refused to use condoms and flushed my pill down the loo. That was the MASSIVE red flag waving in my face. I wish I had left then. Not long after that he really did start to hurt me. That is a whole other thread, though...

Oh, just to add - ex was 6'6 and weighed 18 stone. He was violent and abusive, yet regularly called me a psycho and said a few times after 'arguments' (him ranting and pushing me about while I cried) that he didn't feel safe sleeping next to me. WTAF?

First ever red flag (ignored!): the most dysfunctional but functioning family in the world. Sibling fights oftern meant broken bones. Regular punch ups. Verbal abuse from everyone (adults to children, children to children and adults)

Told me not "get ideas above my station" every time I wanted to acheive something

Sulking for hours when I would not have sex at 3am/when family due

Told me I had no taste and needing educating everything I bought something for the house

Hated each and every friend on sight (and principle)

Took 2 days to visit me when I was rushed to hospital with head injuries, because it was inconvenient to him

Talked about other women and how he would never be able to get a woman as attractive as X, Y or the other

Refusing to spend time with my friends and not allowing me to spend any time with him and his

Told me my main hobby was useless and I would only use it to meet men

Told me he wasn't sure he would have children with me because there were too much illness in me

*needed educating

I think the biggest red flag for me must have been the time his female friend said to both of us "I just dont understand why you're together. Spotted, you're way too good for him."

The man used to live in absolute filth. No bed sheets or duvet cover on his bed. Yellow pillows that stunk to high heaven. I was never allowed to open the curtains when I visited as he was paranoid that people were watching him. Plus many more disgusting habits.

Bleurgh. Why oh why didn't I listen?

and the PORN. All the time. I don't think it bothered me...but maybe it should

Oh and would always insist he was more intelligent than me. He would laugh and pat me on the head in a patronising way.

The year I left him he failed the fist year of his degree and resits. I got a first class degree with honours. (My new dp is lovely and praises me for being more intelligent than him. It's not true but nice to have the compliment!)

This was only a fling, because luckily I did have the benefit of the collective wisdom of MN and once I had managed to pull my head out of my arse infatuation, I ran for the hills.
Going on about how honest he was. If someone talks about how utterly honest they are constantly, it probably means they lie a lot.
His soon to be ex wife was a 'cheating bitch'.
Telling me proudly that he often walked into the HR department at his work and would loudly ask the all female team 'anyone up for a shag?'.
Telling me proudly that he'd 'never hit his children'.
Telling me that he had split up with his last casual fling because she wanted to take things further, whilst telling me that he could only enjoy sex when he had feelings for the other person.
I hate to think what his ex-wife went through but at least she got away, after about seventeen years with him.
I really wish that I could have tattooed 'misogynist' on his forehead as a warning to all others.

Lies, mainly to make himself look good/get out of trouble.
Lots of petty crime/dishonesty/antisocial behaviour: lying on CV, double parking, stealing from work
Appalled by female sexuality (I was never allowed to initiate sex, pregnant women made him uncomfortable because they had obviously had sex.
Undermined me by criticizing my appearance and if I got upset, not apologizing but saying he alone appreciated it. (e.g. 'you've got bad skin but it's ok because I think it's cute')
Road rage
Drunk driving
Racist,sexist,fattist
No real friends
Batshit crazy family

wow their really are some twisted men out there

my ex gave me an std and tried to convince me i gave it to him (even though i never cheated)

plus most of the above. its funny how ive moved on and hes still sitting in the same room i left him in leading his sad lonely life.

Isn't it such a revelation when you start being able to spot them early on? I recently went out with a guy for a few months - it was all going pretty well (although antennae were twitching slightly over the many stories about his crazy ex), then we had a conversation in which for the first time I didn't stroke his brow and say 'there there dear' over said crazy ex but suggested that he take her to court over her (supposed) refusal to let him see his daughter. He went into a massive huff and blanked me for two days (ignoring phone calls, not replying to texts etc). On the second day I told him to fuck right off. Silent treatment = hyuuge red flag. Sympathise with said crazy ex now...

I think this is the first time I have openly admitted to the extent of this man's fuckwittage due to embarrassment.

1. Initially quite evasive about when we could meet up. Never committed to anything until the last minute. Initially said it was due to his complicated living arrangements, but didn't want to bore me with the details! truth - he was back living with his parents at 32 due to massive gambling debts. His girlfriend was often there too. 2)Lengthy texts and emails sent continually but didn't speak on the phone. Due to gf being there. 3)Disappeared one day (no radio contact) eventually reappearing the next day to advise that ex gf of 6 yrs had contacted him and wanted to get back together. He was confused. I told him to try and fix things with her and I hope it worked out. He said 'I can't believe you are being so reasonable. If you said that to me I would stab you in the heart'. WTAF?? Truth - his gf (of 1 yr) had found the texts and gone ballistic. 4)However, I was devastated. He then called me to say he couldn't live without me but he couldn't see me until he had sorted the mess out. He had told ex he wanted me and she was 'unstable'. Truth - ex had him on tight leash.
2. After 3 weeks we met up. Had a night out and went back to his. He was now lodging with a mate. When we got back he had a panic outside the house and said he saw the car of his exgf. I walked off and told him to sort it. 20 mins later he called me - it was 1am and I was in the middle of nowhere. He had 'got rid of her' and ran to come and get me. As he caught up with me he swept me into his arms, kissed me and told me his ex was over the road 'following us'. There was a 20 something woman walking the other side of the road. He said 'kiss me until she gets the message and leaves'. I noted that he tasted of toothpaste, which was odd given the circumstances. Truth - he made the whole thing up because he had promised to phone other gf. The other woman was just a random person!!!
3. he admitted to once being a football hooligan. I found out when I finally friend requested him on FB. He accepted and then deleted me but other gf had seen it and (luckily) contacted me! There is so much more but I can't muster the energy to type it all. Suffice to say I am embarrassed that I actually tolerated his nonsense as long as I did!

Told me he loved me within a couple of weeks.

His exes were all crazy and those who had kids were always bad mothers for one reason or another.

Used to just wallow in self pity constantly and expected me to be his emotional punchbag.

Walking in town one day he suddenly saw his ex and ran up an alleyway to crouch behind a bin mouthing 'has she gone yet?'. (Turned out he owed her money for rent after he just left her one day high and dry).

Oh - he also thought that he was a viking??

I just feel a huge sense of relief.

All exes were depressed/mental/emotionally fucked up (now I think he might have been the one who made them that way )

When we met I was super-skinny, as I'd just been through a major illness. I jokingly warned him that I wouldn't stay this thin as the only way to do that would be to live on fat-free yogurt and dry toast, to which he responded "So why don't you do that?" He wasn't joking.

Needed full-on commitment from me right away. Very drama-rama about everything really; "Why do women always need to see me as Jesus or the Devil?" No, you're just a tosser.

Very negative about other people and thought it was clever to be cynical about everything and everyone. I was much younger than him and really, I left when I got older and realised that those attitudes belong in your teens, maybe your twenties, but by the time you're in your thirties/forties, you should stop sitting on the sidelines slagging everything off and thinking it makes you clever.

Announced at a dinner party that "I'm very manipulative." He was dead proud. Unfortunately we'd already been married a couple of years by this point.

He took the Psychopath test and was dead pleased that it turns out he is one! He thought it made him very interesting indeed. Luckily we were already mid-divorce by this point.

Oh, and he was REALLY anally retentive about splitting everything 50/50. I don't expect men to pay my way, in fact I was the sole breadwinner in my current relationship for a few years, but to get hung up on 'I paid for this, so you pay for that' is an early indicator of meanness.

Oh, and pretending he wanted to go over our finances, but only wanting to talk about it at 11.30pm, just after I'd put my book down and turned off the bedside light to go to sleep, then having a go at me about how I never wanted to discuss our finances.

And always ready to go out for stuff he liked to do, but insisted that if I wanted us to go out anywhere on a Saturday night, he needed four weeks warning (we had no kids, so no babysitters needed or anything like that, and he didn't work weekends) and then when the night came, he would always pretend to be ill.

Ooh, another one!

He only repeatedly had text sex/phone sex/porn obsession because ttc for 4 years, 2 potential mc scares, my hospitalisation for horrendous hg that lasted 6 months, 3 admitions for reduced movement, traumatic birth and re-admition 3 days later for post dural puncture was "really hard for him"!

Apparently I have no idea how difficult it was. He was only unfaithful because he couldn't cope. It was a reaction to the stress

It was ok for me because i'm the strong one. Keeping positive was easy for me.

Also the fact that despite borderline pts and pnd, and regardless of the post dural puncture, massive episiotomy/stitches and anaemea I did all the night feeds, kept the house immaculate and did all the cooking because i'm better at it.

And, me making sure I looked nice every day, doing my hair & make up, wearing nice clothes, never complaining etc meant he thought it was normal to be pestering me to let him go down on me after 4 weeks

I will always be angry that I didn't spend those first precious weeks slobbing in my pyjamas cuddling ds all day. Thankfully he was a very contented baby and was never demanding but I can never get that time back.

I was obsessed with doing everything perfectly. Couldn't let just one thing slip.

Turns out it was a waste of energy because I caught him sexting again when ds was 4 months old.

It was then, dear reader, I left the bastard!

Definitely agree the Lundy book should be issued to all teenagers. Maybe they should teach it in schools. Lesson 1 - Monday - don't be a gulible twat!

Even though its not something I hear very often nowadays, but if the phrase I'm not blowing my own trumpet but....ever comes up I cringe.
It was one of his favourite sayings usually followed by a tale of his wonderfullness/how he isn't appreciated enough/had the recognition he thinke he deserves

Warning signs I should have heeded:

Saying "you will never meet anyone as good as me".

Looking in the mirror, grinning and saying to himself "you are having a good looking day". And telling me that he had always dressed well and "had an eye for colour"

Calling his ex a "psycho bitch from hell" and me believing him. I can see now that he used the same mind tricks on her. She did sound vulnerable with family issues, but I can see now that he belittled her, ground her down and ruined her self confidence until she probably did suffer depression and a break down. Then he got scared when she got mentally ill and binned her, triumphantly confident that she was broken into bits by their relationship ending.

He kept all (and there were A LOT) his love letters from his ex. And not just in a box in the attic - they were everywhere; between the pages of books, hidden in a pen box, inside CD cases, in suitcases, etc etc. I can't work out if they used to hide love notes for each other to find and he left them there or if he put them there for him/me to stumble across. Prob both. I'm sure he used to enjoy coming across the notes himself - they were incredibly passionate and romantic (they met doing English Lit) and it delighted him and stroked his monstrous ego that someone loved him so much and he cast them aside. He also delighted in my finding them and teasing me for being "jealous" and "insecure" - then refused to gather them up or put them away in a box because they were "part of his life that he can't change" and I shouldn't be so nosy!!

"Banned me" from buying a pair of knee high boots because they would make me look like a "slut". I didnt realise he was quite serious, so laughed and bought them anyway - i wanted to wear them with opaque tights and a knee length wool skirt, so hardly slutty! He then threw a monstrous temper tantrum, including holding my wrists and bawling in my face said we were finished because I "refused to accept his opinion". If only I had accepted that we were finished!!

I had kidney stones which were quite debilitating, but didn't stop me trying to live my life and go to work - he loved to play the ministering angel and kept telling me not to do things because I wasn't up to it, was too frail, too delicate and that I needed his support. I see now that he liked that i was ill and tried to make me dependent on him. in hindsight, he was reading too much Bronte, ha ha!

Told me that he loved me because I was a size 8 and that I'd better not put on any weight, because he could never be attracted to someone big. Due to illness (see above) I weighed about 7 1/2 stone, but he encouraged me to cut out cheese and not snack between meals.

Being incredibly jealous of my job and repeatedly saying that he was just as talented and intelligent, if not more so, than me and he couldn't understand how i got that job and that he should have got it. This is notwithstanding that he got poor A Levels and got into university on clearing and failed several interviews for similar jobs.

Throwing an almighty temper tantrum in the pub in front of everyone, because a (mutual) male friend bought me a rose from one of those table rose sellers. This was not withstanding that the friend bought them for all the women in our group, that he was gay and we had all urged him to as a laugh because he was so flamboyant. According to ex, only he had the right to buy me flowers and I should have thrown it in the bin if I loved him.

I'm sure there are more....!

My red flags are listed in the post by dark lady (my username on mse) just scroll down the page and its the long post by dark lady.forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving&page=5

His attempts at making me jealous.

His marriage proposal off the cuff the day after a big fight.

I should have gone with my instincts and say no, instead of a longish engagement.