Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

God this thread is scary. I'll add.

Being taken into Boots regularly, to be weighed on those public scales things. I was fat, even though I am 3" taller than DD1 is now, and was 1/2 a stone lighter than she is, and he thinks she is too thin. Go figure.

Hated animals.

Was demeaning towards those he considered 'lesser'.

Was rude about anyone with any form of disability.

Had no friends. Still doesn't, considers everyone to be beneath him and not worthy of him. Hah.

Disliked my family, who I am very close to. Tried many times to drive a wedge between us.

Gaslighting, I have a terrible memory and he used to tie me up in knots with it.

Lying. I am now completely intolerant of any form of lying, with the possible exception of polite white lies. I would never, ever date anyone who lied.

Oh, forgot - drunk - well over the limit - driving!!

Going back to his 'batchelor pad' with him to find a washing basket of ironed clothes on the doorstep. Done by his Mum. She 'liked doing it'. He was almost 30.

Another one nodding along here! So much of this is my ex to a tee:

Telling me he wanted us to have babies within a couple of weeks.
All his exes were bitches/boring/psychos. I was different
Breaking down sobbing telling me he was infertile (so I didn't bother taking the pill - yes, slap me)
Getting me pregnant a month later (not infertile after all! Surprise!)
Getting appallingly pissed and screaming down the phone at me when I didn't want to get the bus and join him at some comedy club at 11pm (I was pregnant, he'd been on a bender since leaving work).
Pissing the bed. Regularly.
Punching walls.
Locking himself in the cellar for days after some perceived wrongdoing on my part.
Unable to hold down a job/a flat. He's nearly 40 now, still unemployed (sorry, self employed - ha!), still dossing on his mum's sofa.
The whole world is against him. Nothing is ever his fault/responsibility.

I've noticed he has a bit of a pattern of homing in on quite together/capable single mums and reeling them in to mother him as well. The gf before me was one, I was one (till he broke me down but after a fuckload of counselling I'm back to myself again) and now he's got his claws into another who seems very nice and is obviously being completely suckered. I'd like to warn her but there's no way she'd believe me (I'm sure I'm a boring psycho bitch in his tales of woe to her too)...

I was lucky and I did discover mumsnet after a few years of this. Everyone here saw right through him and gave me the walke-up call I needed and the strength to throw him out and more importantly not let him back in. I'm more grateful than I can say.

Scary thread.

Mine used to have a thing for Goth type women, and whenever we were out and saw a woman with bright pink hair/goth style clothes would point her out to me and keep asking why I didn't make myself look sexier.

Told me my genitals were "weird" and marvelled that none of my other partners had told me this before. That one fucked me up for a while :(

Resented the fact I got a decent degree while he failed his. My subject was apparently a "piece of piss."

Never had proper friends, but clung onto a group of thuggish, racist, scummy layabouts he knew from college. We went out with them one night against my wishes and had to stay at one of their flats in a shit area of Newcastle. I woke up in the morning to find him no longer on floor next to me, but he had climbed into bed with this girl who lived there. "Nothing happened."

Nagged for anal sex in a horrible wheedly way for AGES. I eventually said a really firm no.....then during sex he tried to put it in there anyway. It fucking HURT.

Cheated on me many times. I first found out when I actively snooped his email. Not right, I know, but I knew something was wrong. Found an email conversation between him and his brother whooping about the fact I hadn't found out. And I stayed with him for 6 more months, becoming the most jealous and clingy person ever until he dumped me.

Sigh. Never, Ever again.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep and parsley , i posted when i was half asleep.
i know it sounds weird too much info warning but basically i didn't think that he had finished and kept thinking.. 'why does he stop when it gets good...' i feel really embarrassed writing this. anyway after we had been seeing each other a few weeks, after doing the deed i turned and said to him..'you didn't...did you?' and he was like 'err yeah i always do' and i said 'WTF!!! I'm not on the pill or anything!!' so i went and got the morning after pill. luckily no pregnancy then but after we had been together for a bit longer and we had 'fallen' for each other we got sloppy being careful again and he told me that he wouldnt mind if i got pregnant and we even discussed kids together (this is so stupid thinking back) but anyway, i was love struck and he knew i've always loved the idea of being a mum. within no time i found out i was pregnant. i later found out he had lied to me about various things during the pregnancy and told me after DD was born that he resented having a baby with me because he has had to put his life on hold.

not sure if abuse or stupidity on both our parts? (excuse the pun!!)

"Despite that, I didn't leave him for another seven years. I think you should act faster."

You're probably right garlic. :(

In addition to the 'when his friends tell you who he is, listen' I'd like to add 'when his family tell you who he is, listen'. On our wedding day FIL (who is a pathetic manipulative arse of a human being who worships his son yet treats him like shit at the same time), turned to me and said 'I always thought he'd marry a meek little woman'. To this day I don't if he meant that AM meek or that I'm NOT. Don't know but I was very at the time.

hellsbells76 pissing the bed!! never come across anyone else saying this but this was my ex tooo!!!

Yes to drunk drivig.Ex used to drink a bottle of brandy and take shotloads of cocaine and then drive about at breakneck speed in his flash motor. I threatened to call the police a few times towards the end of the relationshp, but he always guilted me out of it - 'I will be deported' was his favourite one.

Then dont drink/take drugs and drive you twat.

Doh, meant to say 'I don't know if he meant that I AM meek or that I'm not'.

and Nini - always nice to get a head-fuck on your wedding day. From your new FIL.

I would say to any woman in a relationship with any of these forms of abuse present:

Find whatever strength you have, gather it up and get the hell out. You are wasting your life. Living a half life. You deserve better.

Lol garlic yes it was, and the ILs were all generally shitty to me both before and during our wedding, that's just the tip of the iceberg!

He always criticised what I listened to on the radio, and if I watched tv together with the children.

Always 'bored'.

Driving: When on the motorway, if I nodded off, he would drive faster and break hard, real close behind a car (despite the children being there too!).

Talking to me when I was actually busy, or reading without checking beforehand if I had a moment to spare.

Always going on about other (younger) women being gorgeous.

I should have left him after the first affair.

Always gave the impression to others that he knew 'where the towels were kept'. Very charming and intelligent man, who once whispered into my ear, 'Fuck you', when we had family around and I was really enjoying the day.

Extremely mean with money, everyone's out to rip-him-off (man no. 1)

Averagely OK with money but sort of suspiscious i.e. promises but no delivery (man no. 2)

When people are kind with money, I've decided, its a good sign.

To be fair to exBF I think he is an honest person, it wasn't his usual behaviour to lie to me or mislead me, but can certainly recall occasions where he had conceded a point to me in the heat of an argument (very rare, but it did happen) and later denied it: 'I never said that! I never agreed with you!' and I wished I'd had a dictaphone so I could play back what he'd actually said to me...

Can definitely remember I never got to listen to any music I liked in the car....I put a CD on once of one of my favourite bands, got about 2 songs in when he decided guitar music 'distracted' him from driving so we had to go back to his dance choons. I spent years liking the music he liked, going to see films he liked, etc because the things I liked were beneath him. Always lots of arguments about my map reading and getting lost, taking wrong turnings etc. Car journeys were always fraught with stress and bother.

He also likes animals, probably more than he does most people, and is good with other people's children - just didn't want any of his own.

I had a long conversation with him about all these things a few months ago (first time we'd spoken properly in years) as he is in the early stages of a new relationship and is seeing the same patterns of behaviour emerge. He actually did want to listen to me explain all the things about our relationship that used to upset me, which suggests he does acknowledge some of these character traits in himself and wants to try and improve things. His memories of our relationship were completely different to mine, though, and I didn't go as far as accusing him of being emotionally abusive...but I came pretty close. I felt at least if I couldn't be honest with him, who else could?

Possibly an unpopular view, but Takes Drugs is a major red flag for me. They will always choose the drugs over you

Sounds creepy and nasty@oilfilledlamp

Money was a weapon. He would splash hundreds , even thousands of pounds, on me when he was in a good mood and wanted to 'show me off' - new clothes, beauty treatments, champagne & expensive restaurants etc - but if I pissed him off, he would refuse to contribute towards basics like food shopping and wouldnt put his salary into our joint account that month (pisse dit up the wall instead).

He bought me a diamond ring that cost ££££ but ripped it off my finger during an argument and I never saw it again.

Purple, so true.

I didn't know ex had a drug problem until well into our relationship. He was a 'social' cocaine user at first, but became a big user/addict. He was already a aggressive man, but the coke made him even worse. He took steroids, too I think. Never admitted to it, but looking back, he was abnormally pumped up.

every time we discussed something/argued current ex would say I was gaslighting him because he refused to accept I was capable of remembering something he had said. Therefore I was lying, he had never said it, and I was 'impossible' and 'not normal' to talk to - so there was no point (in his opinion) to having any kind of discussion about anything.

Yes to being pissed off at me for not being excessively grateful for his presence in my life (apparently he became a 'buffer for my life' when I had DS and have 'never appreciated how hard this was for him' what the fuck he thinks he was protecting me from I have no idea. Not to mention I didn't ask/want or need someone to protect control my life at that point )

Applies to alcohol too. DD and I were always second (third, fourth) best to the pub.

Arriving 3 hours late and getting angry if I dared complain. Repeatedly.
Never asking a question about me. He always talked about himself.
Never getting me a single gift.
Taking my virginity by raping me, and then telling me I was so fat and ugly I should be grateful someone wanted me at all.
Making me brush my teeth before he kissed me.
All the failures in his life were other people's fault.

Mine used to say the most evil things in a spitting fury to me - then afterwards I would be heartbroken, he would say he didn't mean it as he was angry - and each time I would forgive and try to forget.

he dropped out of uni because he was 'too clever for the course'

HA

just lost a (too) long post, so going to do a bit at a time.

Declaring love, wanting me to move in, (therefore giving up my house/independence/ means of escape) asking me to marry him, innaproppriately early. (I thought, great, he wants to commit)