Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Just picked up on the present tense in your post too sleepless - you can do it, you can get out, hopefully all of us here with our (sadly) acquired experience can help you.

Parsley - yes that's reminded me, getting really arsey whenever I was even slightly unwell. Culminating in one famous night when I suddenly felt sick and dizzy, walking up and down trying to breathe deeply etc and remember the fucker laughing at me hysterically. I was terrified, thought I was having a heart attack or something

And the laughing at other people hurting themselves, that always did give me a pang of 'you wanker' - I mean, you see a creature falling off of something straight on to their head (for example) and your first instinct is to find it funny?

It was always especially funny to him to see women hurt themselves/make themselves look 'stupid' (in his eyes)

"Constant assumption that the world owes him a favour"

yy, more nodding.

Last ex used to behave as if he was a lord/royal but was switched at birth and forced to live a 'paupers' life.

Waiting for the knock on the door by the royal buglers to inform him the terrible mistake had finally been discovered and whisk him away to the life of which he was truly deserving

These traits need to be more publicised. I tried askign friends for advice, one would always try and see things from his point of view and make allowances and the other just said "yeah he's just a typical guy"

I think the 'honeymoon period' was red flag free, after that they popped up regularly.
The first post on this thread jogged my memory, I had forgotten about the times he reached across me while I was driving

Oh my Gosh.....The driving "things" .....

Always the CD or radio station he wanted,
At the volume he wanted
Temperature control set the way he liked it..... Cold.... didn't matter if me and the kids froze,
Windows open or closed again only on his say so could this action be performed,
No eating or drinking...but OK for him,
My car so asked him not to smoke....Ha that's a joke, didn't even lie, just lit up in front of me!
Turning the indicators on and off when I WAS DRIVING, I obviously couldn't judge the right time to turn on/off..I am only a women after all,
Constantly telling me what gear to use...see above!
Oh and as he was always drunk I did all the driving and telling me at the last minute we need to pick up his Mum, child etc they are expecting us.

God what was I thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when I was driving my ex would behave as if I was blind, I mean he would give instructions as if I was unable to see and had to be guided by him

mind you I sometimes do a bit of backseat driving myself ..infact I am probably as controlling as he was, the relationship was one big power struggle, a 10 year wrestling match

Being as nice as pie to peoples faces then turning and ranting about them as soon as we have walked away. When we went out in groups or to peoples houses he would drink (as he always reneged on his turn to drive and would have more to drink, getting stroppy, so in the end I always drove) and wouldn't leave until the early hours... of course everyone thought I was the party pooper and he was the life and soul.

Of course the moment we left he would start ranting what boring wankers they all where and why did I have to inflict such people on him, why couldn't I of dragged him away sooner, it was all my fault etc. Inevetiably I would bump into people who would say what a lovely friendly chap he was. After one dinner party he hissed as we walked home "dont you ever leave me with those people again"

I remember my ex telling me off for using my hands when I spoke. Apparently I was embarrassing myself

Insisted the degree I was doing was "About as much use as a roll of toilet paper". His, of course was far more important despite him failing his final year while I went on to do an MA with distinction

Insisting he accompany me everywhere. This included deciding to take up the same sport, play in the same team, and monopolise my friends.

Constant belittling of my family

It was about the time I discovered him putting pinprick holes in my diaphram that I took the car that apparently was his because he paid for some of it and pissed off out of his life forever.

mmm the car stuff. I wasn't allowed to touch 'his' radio because I wasn't driving. And objecting to techno played at the loudest volume (while I was pg) was apparently evidence of my failure to appreciate him as a person or allow him the space to enjoy his interests.

Wanker.

Reading this with great interest and seeing a lot of my husband here. Whether or not I'll stay with him is still up in the air at the moment.

One example from me that was a massive red flag last summer - after returning to work with DD at 5 months old I ended up pushing myself too hard and having 'suspected' DVT. My leg swelled up like a balloon. Before it was diagnosed I was sore but coping for a few days then one evening as I went to go to bed the pain suddenly hit me, I was in agony and crying my eyes out. We had no pain relief and I had to beg him to go over the road and ask our friends for some - he argued with me for ages as I 'should have asked him to get some earlier', 'it wasn't hurting you earlier so why is it now' and 'I can't go and ask them, its too late at night'. He did eventually go and get me some.
And the next morning he was really angry with me as my leg was so bad I could barely move - I begged him to take the day off work as there was no way I could a) walk to work myself and b) drive DD to nursery.
It was a really shitty few days.

YY to the driving stuff and I had totally forgotten about this. On the occasions I was allowed to drive my car, he would fiddle constantly with all the controls before I could do anything, like signalling, as he knew 'I wouldn't do it'. I also drove too slow at the speed limit and would get a lecture whenever we arrived anywhere as it took too long

Whipping I saw your thread about how you differentiate what was EA as opposed to not getting on... and sometimes after the fact it isnt always obvious. I know it has taken me reading others threads on MN for the penny to drop, all those instances I knew didnt feel right but must me (as I am the bad person)... well it was him being a shit

Gaslighting.

'Jokily' pushing me or blocking my way.

Getting seriously arsey if I didn't feel like sex.

Hmmm.

Idealising and putting me on a pedestal to a ridiculous and uncomfortable making excess.
Being shy. To a wierd, pathological extent. He could go through a whole evening in company without saying a word.
Avoids people.
Has no friends.
Always going to the same place, without fail. We NEVER did anything different.
My friends didn't like him.
Telling me he loved me within days.
Sulking and withdrawing. For days.
Not noticing/picking up/responding to sexual cues. Even when I told him what I liked.
For 20 years: he liked being stroked/massaged etc. Not once has it ever occurred that I do too.
I was always the instigator of touch/affection/hugs.
'The reason [I resisted you/refused to listen/denied] was because you didn't tell me in the right way/was too rude/aggressive'
Demeaned, but in such a subtle way I didn't notice.
Road rage, aggressive driving.
Made it hard for us to socialise, like in some subtle way I couldn't rely on him, he didn't back me up in my efforts so I lost confidence.
Doesn't do things with other males (pub squash biking whatever), and I now see their attempts to be friendly.
When the children were born, I ceased to exist other than 'mother' and 'housewife'.

So subliminal that I didn't see it.

'Get seriously arsey if I didn't feel like sex'

Oh yeh I know that one!

Oh, yes, driving! Mine built a vintage sports car. Didn't bolt the passenger seat to the floor until we split; I had to grab hold of the body on corners. (WHY did I meekly take my life in my hands - literally - every time we went out in the damn thing?)

Leverette, nearly all HIS friends asked how he'd managed to land me. I thought they were being sweet [facepalm] Even their comments in our wedding book say "Garlic, you could have done much better"! Funnily enough, none of my friends thought I was punching above my weight.

We should add to "When he tells you who he is, listen" ... And when his friends tell you who he is, listen!

Driving rings a bell here, too. My ex had a very flash, expensive sports car which he loved to an extreme extent. He also had bad road rage. He battered a guy once for cutting him. Literally knocked him out in the middle of Peckham and then we drive off. I don't know why I didnt report it to the police. Fear, I guess.

I remember watching a famine on the news and saying 'Gosh we are so lucky' and him saying: "No we aren't! We could be rich and not have to work ever again! Those people are lucky!"

= inflated sense of entitlement

Driving, oh god, there's a whole chapter of it's own.

I remember the revelation that long ish drives could be spent pleasantly chatting back and forth between driver and passenger when a friend drove me to pick up my car last summer.

So conditioned was I to sitting there silently, passing the juice and snacks at ordered intervals like a good little woman. Any attempts at conversation from me were met by the radio being turned up until he couldn't hear me anymore.

"Didn't bolt the passenger seat to the floor until we split; I had to grab hold of the body on corners" - that is shocking garlic, thank god nothing ever happened to you! Goes to show how deliberate the choices of these 'men' are (seeing as he bolted the thing down once you'd split)

Oh that has made my blood run cold@thebighouse.

Ex was just like that.

NiniLegs, when I had a serious allergic reaction I was literally hanging on to life for a couple of days. The GP was visiting four times a day. Twat1, meanwhile, moaned about his lack of packed lunches & cooked dinners so the doctor gave him a massive bollocking. I heard his incredulity that any human being could care more about his own convenience than his partner's life.

Despite that, I didn't leave him for another seven years. I think you should act faster.

Yes to hating me being ill. I had three visits to hospital while with ex, and he didn't visit me once. I had to get a cab home every time, and then I got one night in bed before he was up and moaning about me being lazy and the place being a tip.

I was with him for 4 years. No children (thank God). I was young, which makes it easier now for me to excuse myself for staying with him. But I am still angry that I allowed myself to be mugged off like that for so long by someone who was basically a bully.

I can relate to so many of these posts. Interesting how a lot of these 'men' profess their undying love almost straight away, move in quickly etc - my ex was exactly the same.
Other red flags were:
Lying constantly
Taking an instant dislike to my friends and family
Snidey comments/shitty remarks (I.e 'you look nice, your spots are starting to clear up' )
Putting me down in front of his friends and acting as if he was too good for me
Constant interrogation about my ex-partners and wanting to know that he was better looking than all of them
Saying something and then denying all knowledge of it a few minutes later (that was a real head fuck)
Getting moody if I wanted to go out with friends or work colleagues (eventually got to the point where I lost all my friends and turned into a recluse)
Turning up unannounced (very creepy)
Convinced I was cheating on him
Used to go into detail about one nightstands he had had before me
Said my boobs were 'small but they would do'
Hated the fact I had a better paid job than him and told me that my boss hated me
Told me that I was 'disgusting' and that he had gone off me a bit because he found out that my first boyfriend was mixed race (actually ashamed and embarrassed to write that down as I cannot believe I actually stayed with him after that vile comment)
Had a gambling and coke problem, drank too much, always skint.

The list goes on. He ended up being physically and sexually abusive as well and I finally left him a year ago. The thought of him makes me feel physically sick. Wish I'd heeded those red flags and dumped his sorry arse right at the beginning!

My ex didnt profess his love straight away, but he did say on our second date that he wanted us to be 'exclusive' and wanted me to stop going out to clubs all the time and to 'calm down'. Why the hell I didn't tell him to 'fuck off' there and then I'll never know.

The 'settling down' translated to me sitting in every nigh, waiting for him to come home from boozing, drug taking and probably shagging around.

1. Strong interest in porn, and some of it Urgh ...
2. Previous girlfriend stalking him (this means he was a jerk and enjoyed the attention)
3. Boasting about previous g/fs.
4. Having affairs whilst married.

These are 2 men I glued together! Didn't go out with either of them for more than 6 months, but still really icky.

There's loads.

MN Relationships should produce a book based on this thread alone.