Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

[fergoose]

Mine told me he loved me before we even got together, moved in with me immediately at other end of the country,wanted me pregnant straight away and when baby born wouldn't let me near her to feed her as I was a crap mother

[CaoNiMa]

Reading these horror stories is incredibly depressing, not just for the wonderful, clever women who have been affected by idiotic men, but for the fact that such men exist in their myriads.

It makes me fearful of having sons lest I inadvertently bring up a monster like these bell-ends.

[susiedaisy]

Great thread I can really relate to some of it. Red flags I should of taken note if were,

Road rage.
No real friends but plenty of drinking buddies.
Not close to his family, but would do anything for virtual strangers on the street.
Temper tantrums that were apparently my fault.
Frequent arguments with people in shops etc that were always that other persons fault for being 'a knob'.
Dislike of me trying new hairstyles, clothes etc, keeping on about it until I stopped wearing it.
Being awkward and not coming home so I couldn't go out on the odd occasion.
Disliking virtually all of my friends.

I could go on and on!

[susiedaisy]

I meant to say on the odd occasion that I wanted to go out as he made it so bloody difficult for me that over the years I just didn't bother as it wasn't worth putting up with the sulking from him!

[marshmallowpies]

MyDog I really think you've been dating my ex! The need to win every argument, no matter how trivial, and being loud & funny (& often tactless/inappropriate) in front of others is definitely him.

Can remember the feeling on nights out with friends where he'd been charming, funny, light-hearted etc in front of others, but as soon as they were gone the mask dropped & I was left with this silent sulking persona.

Also: the OCD thing. I put things back in the cupboard the wrong way and he didn't like the way I did the washing up, not to his prescribed method.

[PurplePidjin]

Triggering an argument then not answering the phone/door because he's not ready to discuss it.

Inviting you round, then spending the time playing computer games - on his own. Coming to bed at 4am, then complaining you're asleep despite knowing you need to be at school by 8.30 the next morning.

Driving to work past your school every day yet never stopping to give you a lift home (3mile walk)

This is when I was at 6th form btw

[ebmummy]

We weren't living together (thank God) but be basically he:

Told me he loved me after 3 days, and got pissed when I laughed in his face as to how ANYONE can claim love after 72 hours.

Asked me 'why' my breasts were small.

Said if I cut my hair, he'd dump me.

Eyed up other women in front of me, then said I was paranoid and insecure.

Slept with another women when I was on holiday.

Claimed it was his sisters when I found underwear in his bedroom (wtf?)

Used to make me call him when I got home to prove I wasn't with another man.

Couldn't call him on his mobile during Sat night as he claimed he was 'working'. Then shouted abuse if I had the cheek to call him. Later found out he with his other gf...

Wouldn't let me wear make-up. Any. Even concealer for my spots.

Almost hit me when I left my coat at his, then went back for it cos I'd disturbed him on phone to his other gf.

Together on and off for a year (was 20, and bloody stupid so went back after 4 months of KNOWING he was a wanker for second helpings). Finally told him to go screw himself after he threw a cup of coffee at the wall. Bumped into him a few months ago, and thought wtf did I ever see in him?! DH a million billion times the man he will ever be...

[BertieBotts]

Sulked/acted really upset and rejected if I didn't feel like sex (once we'd started having it).

Asking me after 24 hours (Yes, really!) if this was a serious relationship, because if I was going to get bored after 2 months he didn't want to know. When I said that was ridiculous and I didn't know yet, pressed me for an answer or it "wasn't worth it".

Anecdotes about how he "put his mate in hospital" after the mate slept with his girlfriend. ALL his exes had cheated on him, of course.

[babyhammock]

YY, unfortunately women who they perceive to be strong and capable are often that way through a lethal combination of perfectionism and hidden insecurities this is so true :(

So glad this thread got started..

[thebighouse]

• laughing at animals/people hurting themselves;
  
• blanking me for days when he was unhappy and saying he 'just needed time';
  
• getting angry. Just WHY? It's not necessary.
  
• getting angry with me when I was ill;
  
• not speaking to his family/mother;
  
• getting angry during sex;
  
• making me dress up for sex. It's just objectification;
  
• porn. porn. porn.
  
• angry in the car;
  
• getting drunk and arguing with friends until I was embarassed;
  
• treating waiting staff like crap.

[chocoraisin]

sigh I'll add mine to the collection then... this was the ex before my current ex:

Having a screaming argument with his exfiance on the phone in front of me within the first month of us dating.
Telling me they broke up because she had a breakdown and was 'mental'
Blaming his temper on his dad's DV towards him as a child (requiring me to comfort him when he was angry and behaving scarily towards me)
Paying for me to have my haircut somewhere he approved of and instructing the hairdresser what to do, without my consent
Telling me I looked 'like a dyke' when I bought new clothes, and that I was clearly too 'stupid to shop' so should take him with me so he could approve all purchases
Telling his friends we had broken up, but not telling me!
Moving in within 3months 'while he got himself sorted' and cocklodging for the next 2 years
Refusing to move out when asked
Taking the pin number to my credit card and withdrawing cash whenever he felt like it
Taking cocaine every weekend (I was very young, and very stupid. I thought this was 'normal' for someone in his industry)
Refusing to allow me to come out with him when he went clubbing because I was distracting
Telling me my friends didn't really like me, and I shouldn't bother with them

etc ad infinitum. Yep, classic EA/FA and potential for DV. So glad I got out!! Should it be a rule that teenage girls get given the Lundy book on their 18th bday? That relationship began when I was 22. Horrible.


Current ex: More subtle, but still -
Blaming his withdrawal from anything affectionate/physical in our relationship on depression (therefore I was a bitch for not understanding, being patient etc)
Adopting my friends/interests/ hobbies early on then criticising me for not showing an interest in him as a person
Controlling all finances, and creating a permanent state of anxiety at home that we were always very poor - then going out and buying x-box/42inch TV etc whenever he felt like it (despite me being the main wage earner)
Inviting his friends to use the house as a drop in centre irrespective of him being here - they didn't even knock, let themselves in the back door - while I was home on mat leave (scary as hell!)
Telling me I didn't allow him to have a life, despite playing football 2-3 times a week and going to the gym 2-3 times a week, while I did all childcare.
Refusing to allow me to pay for a babysitter so that I could go out while he exercised (financial control again, isolating me)


:(

[thebighouse]

• disliking any men that were more successul than him;
  
• having to win EVERY argument, not letting any argument go, whether with me or with friends/relatives.

[chocoraisin]

oh - telling me that I wasn't normal for wanting sex, and that being miserable about not being touched (ever) was putting him under impossible stress. Then waking up to find him fondling me while I was asleep/attempting to have sex with me under those circumstances. EEEEEEW

[SarryB]

Expecting me to cheat just because he had done it in previous relationships.

Getting scarily angry at the smallest thing.

Sitting on his arse all day smoking pot. And getting really angry when he ran out.

[Maccapaccawacca]

I was once sat on the sofa with a long-standing BF when he was absent-mindedly stroking my hair and saying "I wish you were a bit more gullible"

[NicknameTaken]

Mine kept the mask on very well till I was pregnant by him. The most obvious slip was when I was making the bed and he went into a rage because I put the clean sheets on the floor. I very nearly finished it there and then. It was just a little doubt - yes, it probably wasn't very hygienic. Why did I not see that I could have dragged the sheets through a pigsty and it still didn't entitle him to rage at me like that?

[sleeplessindenial]

Doing me favours and going mad when I'm not excited and grateful. Ditto cooking dinner without asking me if I like/want it and making me feel really bad if i don't like it/am not hungry etc

Checking my phone/Internet history and asking why I have called my mother/sister/friend and making me explain myself

Before we lived together he would pop round 3 or 4 times a day to see how I was aka check up on me. Quiz me about where I'd been or who had been round.

Make my friends feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome that they stop coming also moaning, swearing and sighing everytine I got a call or text so i stopped replying to people.

Road rage, racist insults and critising people's appearance as they walked past when he is driving. Also aggressive driving.

Every ex girlfriend is a psycho bitch and cheat

Aggressive in public to people he thinks are looking at him funny

Super critical of me, calls me lazy, a slob, fat arse etx

Hugely jealous, possessive and controlling. If I am out the house I can expect up to 20 calls to find out where I am and who with. Spends hours questioning me and trying to trip me up even though I am telling the truth

Shows off about people he has beaten up


Has sex with me when I'm asleep, freezes and pretends to be sleeping if I wake up and denies it in the morning even though I know it's happened.

Lies about everything all the time.

Told me from the off that he didn't like children but insisted on meeting mine, expects tidyness, quiet and is very quick to raise his voice with them. Fond of saying "I'm glad your not my kids" etc to them

That's just off the top of my head I'm sure there will be more if I think about it

[LiviaAugusta]

Don't normally post here but what you're all describing is similar to the bf I had all through university- I've spent years getting over the stuff he put me through but never thought to categorise it as EA until now. Never physically violent but

• told me he loved me after a week
• successfully alienated me from other people on my course by refusing to get to know any of my friends as they 'looked down on him' for doing a 'lesser' degree
• tried to get me to change degree to do the same as him and never forgave me when I refused.
• never visited my flat and made me sleep on the floor at his as he 'needed his space'
• charm personified to others (my mum loved him) but evil to me and anyone he lived with
• hated me going out with friends and ignored me for days I I didn't answer his calls or ring him exactly when I'd promised I would.
• told me he hated the person I became when I was drunk (I never do anything bad, just get a bit loud), I didn't drink for two years, still can't drink much and feel mortified if I think I've drunk too much and lost control in any way.
• told me that I became 'common' when I'd been home to visit friends and family and that he had to work hard to get me back to being someone he wasn't embarrassed to be with after a home visit
• convinced me it was my fault when he ran off with someone else, then when we met up to exchange items after we split spent ages telling me how much better she was than me (especially in bed, a bit rich considering he'd refused me for the last two years of our relationship)

In my defence I was a teenager, new to university and hundreds of miles from my parents and sources of support. We lasted four years until he moved on to someone more malleable than me.

[NicknameTaken]

Just one variation - my ex's previous girlfriends were all (according to him) gorgeous, sexy, well-dressed and constantly showering him with presents and money. So of course I tried so hard to live up to this standard and of course I could never reach it. Apparently, the way I offered sex wasn't sexy enough. Rather than ask cheerfully if he was up for it, I was meant to writhe around and plant the idea in his head, so that he could initiate.

[tallwivglasses]

God, I wish we could round them all up and stick them on an island or something.

Sleepless, please don't tell me you're still with this man

[sleeplessindenial]

Yes

But I am working on not being he has just started an alcohol programme and asked the doctor for counselling but to little to late

[ParsleyTheLioness]

bighouse oh yes, getting angry when you're ill. I remember him shouting once, "I hope you get WORSE"!. He's 50 soon, not 3....
Tall wiv, island not far enough away, moon trip anyone?

[tallwivglasses]

How about Mars? It's where they're from ain't it?

Sleepless - give it a time limit x

[susiedaisy]

Oh gosh yes getting angry when I was ill or if the dc were ill and he might have to help out or alter his plans a bit!

[marshmallowpies]

Being unnecessarily rude to waiting/shop staff, etc is another one I recognise.

Constant assumption that the world owes him a favour & if things aren't arranged entirely to his convenience he has the right to jump down people's throats about it, even when they are young, poorly paid shop staff!