Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

loving

The red flag I really should have heeded was the way he behaved with his own family. He showed very little respect for his mother and - I dunno - hard to put my finger on it but I remember thinking they would be glad when he had gone home.

After the children came he treated me the same way I had seem him treat his mother.

I too was glad when he had gone.

Apparently 'they' say watch how a man treats his mother as this is how he will eventually treat his wife!! Don't know if it's true!

That maybe a good indicator susie. My ex treated his mother like a waitress, then expected me to step into her shoes.

I remember being at a family meal with them (her, her husband and her 2 sons). She never sat down! They had her running back and forth to the kitchen for pickles, beetroot, piccalilli, mustard, horseradish, butter, another fork, bread, etc. Looking back it was surreal. Every time she sat down, they asked for something else.

Her food went cold in the end. And then they kept saying "X, sit down for God's sake". Errrrr.....stop sending her to the bloody kitchen and she might have had a chance to eat a hot meal.

Oh yes Cashmere, the 'keeping in touch' thing
My first ex expected to be able to get me on the phone at his convenience. My heart used to pound when the mobile rang when I was going out with him, that's a pretty huge red flag. I eventually put a stop to the phone calls after several months of humouring him, and he used to call me in the middle of the night every few months for about 2 years after. In the end I changed my number after I heard from a mutual friend that he felt we had 'unfinished business' bleurgh.

On the subject of keeping in touch. When DH (who wouldn't bring me a glass of water if I was dying...) and I separated he was living in flat and MIL announced she was coming to me and kids for Xmas. I didn't mind but felt sorry for him and suggested he might like to come for dinner. He grudgingly said he might, was less than gracious and finally said, 'I suppose I'd better get you a present. What do you want?'. Still remember his face when I said, 'Ideally, a widow's pension'..

I had MIL for Christmas for years - even after both of us remarried and he had child with next wife. His ma was still coming to me and kids, bless her. I didn't mind, just felt sorry for his new wife, but everytime I tactfully said to her, 'I wouldn't be offended if you wanted to go to your DS and his wife,' she replied, 'oh no dear - I like coming to you'. Now Nana is 85, almost blind and very confused and we are suggesting she moves in with us as the ex doesn't want her and has no room. May I just offer huge love and hugs to my current DH who is the most loving man on earth and simply says, 'Och, hen, I dinnae mind the poor old lassie living here (he's Scottish, lol). Not many men would fancy the ex-MIL living with them!

Treatment of mothers....yes....I could never quite believe how rude my ex was to his mother (and other members of the family). I used to pick him up on it all the time and find myself apologising and making excuses for his terrible language and behaviour (WTF??). He swore at her, made personal remarks and cruel jokes at her expense, criticise any aspect of her life/home etc, messed her about re timing/arrangements, hung up the phone if she didn't do just what she asked and demanded expensive presents. hmmm...seems like a nice guy.

But...this is the same woman who advised me that 'love conquers everything', that I should punish her son and then 'put it in a box and only bring it out when I needed to use it against him' and work harder at my marriage.

Of course, she's sided with her DS now...and I'm the selfish one who can only see my perspective and has been very unfair to the poor wee lamb...

I guess lots of sons who treat their mothers badly were not successfully managed when they were young. My own brother was selfish and bullying as a child but spoiled by my mum after she was widowed and he is an awful husband, not respecting of his wife and not very respecting or considerate of his mother either - though he is charming to both on the surface and seems to think that this is all that is required of him. My ex was out of control as a young man and lost his father at probably the worst time, around teh same age I lost my dad. I think the similarities in our backgrounds brought us together and because I had been brought up in a family where there were parallels I didn't properly see what I was walking into.

But yes, my advice to any young woman would be to see how he treats his mum!

Oh my god, this is the first time I have seen this thread.

There are so many....

It started when we had been going out for 6 weeks. I was supposed to be going to his house but had a stinking cold and was feeling dreadful. I told him I wasn't well so wouldn't be going and he had a strop and hung up on me. I ended up going and he didn't speak to me the whole time.

Saying "here she is the belle of the ball, oh sorry I meant bella emburg..."

Told everyone he got me off the streets... I was working full time, living on my own in a rented house, just finished my degree. I was completely independent!

Had a major strop because I had been called out all night and I said that I wouldn't be able to go to his dads birthday party as I had not had a wink of sleep. I had worked all day, been out all night and had to work the next day. The twat thought iwbu because I wanted to go to bed! I ended up going of course!

Every time he made a hot drink he would sneek up behind me and burn my neck with the hot spoon.

He used to like mountain walking, I hated it. He insisted I go with him every time as I would be no fun for him on his own. Didn't matter that it was no fun for me at all as long as his enjoyment came first. I will NEVER walk up another mountain!

He would regularly corner me in the kitchen flicking me will the tea towel, it really hurts, and he knew it.

Making me late for my cousins wedding on purpose because he didn't want to go.

His answer to every criticism I made was "well if you don't like it run away".... I did.

He would tell me on a regular basis that I had let myself go.

If I wore make up he would say "who have you come as? Coco the clown"

He would tell me daily " who would want you, look at the state of you..."

Every time a lifted my arms up he would grab underneath, saying "look at these bingo wings!"

He would say I was a rubbish nurse and one day I would get struck off...

He insisted that I played in a darts match because the team was short, I really can't play and couldn't hit the board. He thought it was funny that I was stood there crying with embarrassment in front of everyone.

Being a absolute twat if I ever has a drink and he couldn't.

I had a little fling with his friend, that strangely gave me the courage to get my arse into gear and leave. I have never, ever looked back, it was the best move I ever made. I am eternally grateful to his friend for opening my eyes and showing me what an absolute twat he was.

It has been quite therapeutic to write it all down and read it back. I am well rid of the bastard!

Sowornout you and your lovely new DH are angels.

lol..ErikNorseman - DH might be, I'm definitely not. Far too impatient and sharp tongued at times! But I'm very fond of Nana who was very good to me when DCs were little. She has the irritating habit of thinking her DS is wonderful (despite his treatment of her - she spoilt him rotten as a kid) but she was a terrific MIL. She never once criticised or interfered and when he left and I had 3 DCs under 7 I got 2 bar jobs to keep us. She came at 6.30pm every night to babysit so I could work, despite me sometimes coming in at 3.00am on Fri/Sat. I couldn't have managed without her and she dreads going in a care home. I will take care of her now that she needs help. She's a very kind little old lady.

Ok, I am going to complicate things now re the 'how he treats his mother' aspect. Mine appeared to love his mother, and treat her well. He also hated her, because she was a controlling witch, but this was not apparent for quite a long time. He has carried this love/hate relationship with women into his adult life, and at nearly 50 shows no signs of addressing it. So, you need to watch very carefully, and over time...

Soworn yes, your hubby sounds lovely, karma and all that!

shaky what you had to endure is scary. I was shocked when I first saw my ex with his mother and sister. He was grumpy, sulky and rude to them. Of course, as soon as I moved in with him, he was like that with me.

There was an edge to him that made people feel uncomfortable. He was especially like this with my family, who are the loveliest, kindest people you could ever meet.

He talked to the next door neighbour more nicely than he talked to me.

He would say something horrible with a false grin on his face then claim he was joking if I got offended.

When I first met his extended family at a wedding, he told them all I was an escort. Even his uncle pulled him up on it.

He liked to claim to other people that I was hopeless at everything e.g. cooking, cleaning, practical things. He did it so much people used to seem embarrassed.

He would never help me, even if he could see I was struggling with something e.g. carrying heavy shopping, a suitcase.

He would deliberately stand in a doorway looming and not move if I was walking through, just to be awkward. (another poster said that and it reminded me how intimidating it is.)

Believe it or not my ex is actually a NURSE too!

Everyone thinks he is marvellous, funny and kind.

That is the face he wears in work, that is the face I saw when we used to work on the same ward. We never worked together when we were a couple thank god!

He lived 100 miles away from his family, he only showed them his marvellous face too.

He saved his marvellous face for work and was a completely different person at home.

Omg I've just remembered another incident that I haven't thought of for years.
We were in bed and arguing, (playfully) about who should turn the light off.
He started pushing me out of bed, so I braced my arms against the wall opposite. Because he couldn't push me further he grabbed my arms away from the wall knowing that I would fall and land on my face. I had a huge cut on the bridge of my nose from where I landed on my nose, fucking knobhead! Everyone in work was asking what I had done to my nose, I didn't tell them because I knew how bad it would sound.....

I can't believe that I wasted 6 years of my life with that arsehole!

shaky snap!
I know I have a work persona and most of us act differently out of work but.... It's the classic Jekyl and Hyde!
I remember thinking that when that nurse was murdered in a hospital car park a couple years ago by her paramedic ex. She met him through work and you just don't expect it.

Looking back several times my ex said that if something happened to me he'd get the blame (due to ethnicity). Why would you even feel the need to say that.

Yes runamile, them saying something vile, then claiming it was 'only a joke' is a classic, as is dismissing your hurt with 'You're just oversensitive'.. Both dismiss your feelings and make you suppress them.

Ignoring things you say, because 'it wasn't a question' ( therefore not warranting any response).. Not making any firm commitments to doing things then turning up at the last minute expecting you to be ready, all experienced here.

My ex once stopped talking to me for 3 weeks, because i didn't reply to a text for 20 minutes, as i was in the bath. From then on in i used to carry my mobile at all times.

Driving too fast as others have said, and doing handbrake stops while approaching, ending up 2 feet away from me when i was by the side of the road - to scare me.

Laughing when his 2 older sons made barking noises out of the car window, at women they didn't think were particularly attractive, and making derogatory comments about larger ladies (he himself was very very overweight)

5 and a half years of crap basically.. but i've got out once and for all now, not missing any part of him for the first time ever - just huge relief.

Think on average it takes something like 5 attempts to get out for good in an EA relationship.

Oooh, lots of bells ringing here too!

Driving recklessly and too fast - yes, especially if he was pissed off with me.
Making 'jokes' that were cruel or embarrassing to me.
Loads more stuff here that I recognise.

I had a giant red flag when I'd been with him just over a year and will never understand why I didn't act on it. We went to a nightclub for my 18th birthday (with his friends, not mine, obvs). As I was standing there with my drink, a complete stranger paused as she walked past me, leaned into me and said 'Be careful; he hits women' and walked on towards the bar. I approached her a few minutes later and asked her if I'd heard her right. She said 'He was with one of my best friends for years and used to hit her'. When I later asked him about it, he told me 'she hit me first'.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Mmn. Other odd bits. Running joke about me needing to be helped out of a chair occasionally, then would grip my wrists in a way which would hurt. Would point this out, but assumed he was just unaware of his own strength. Reading about shakey's experience makes me think they are both ways of being violent as assaulting you, but ambiguously. Although he had been overtly dv in the past also.

Exactly parsley, he knew exactly what he was doing but never crossed the line into overt dv.

Another thing he used to do is, when getting off the sofa he would grab my knee really hard and put his full weight on me as he got up, it really hurt and he knew it.

Whenever I asked him to stop these sly, little ways of hurting me he would always say "well if you don't like it run away but nobody else would want you"

Twat

Mine also suffered from a kind of 'suppressed rage'. Once he was in one of these as we went through a toll booth in France. No idea what caused it. I just remember being frightened, and the woman in the booth looking frightened and a bit bewildered. He said it was because he thought the barrier was going to drop on the car if we didn't hurry up, but it very much seemed to be directed at ME. He denied this, of course.

omg this thread should be stickied FOR EVER. i'm so lucky never to have met any of these people. (actually that's not true, i have met them, but never gone out with them).

Toll booths was always stressful for my exH I've never figured out why, but he used to get snappy and stressy, shouting if I didn't have the money ready about half a mile before the booth and then would skid off under the barrier everytime!! So weird how alike these people are

I agree - exes were all psychos/stalkers. Or else brilliant women who'd worked themselves up from nothing - implication from that was that I was a waste of space.

Obsessed about money and manically mean with it.

Always trying to get something over on people (including me).

Weird, dosser friends.

Early on, when I once looked into his eyes, I recoiled physically. Not sure why, as if I saw someone 30 years older, all that lying and maleovalnce is ageing very close up.

The usual Jeckyll and Hyde.

I could go on ... and on ...

However, I consider the above person to have a personality disorder (NPD). I also think there are more "normal" men who can also be very destruructive in other ways.

Never eating together- he avoided food as it stopped the dihydrocodiene he was addicted to from working. I had not clue about his addiction till much later on.

Jewellery disappearing and being pawned

Name calling of other people who we hardly knew, especially men.