Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

From day one telling to go on a diet and how heavy was i anyway?
Lying about his financial status , did not own the dump of a house he lived in
Wanting me to sell up and go live with him 100miles away but not to live in his grannies house but to live in the house i was to buy!!! so he could restore the dump!
Lied about his ex -saying she was always on the edge !, when he had left her with 4 kids to deal with!
Always helping out woman friends, claimng they were just that
Keeping 2 woman going as one was 100 miles apart that person was me!
If only I had listened like all woman to my gut instinct from day one but he was so flattering and i had lost someone through a heart attack !
Dont think I will ever trust a man again because of this rant over thanks for letting me get this off my chest it has been 5 months since we split and i am still angry with him , because he got away with it all!

Overly sentimental about his mother and other members of the family - at a distance. In reality couldn't stand being with them and behaved appallingly when we visited.

Would help anyone if it made him look good - would mow the neighbours lawn but I always did ours even when pregnant, would 'lend' money we didn't have to people who were never giong to pay back.

Would turn up at my place of work and be hostile to people he didn't like, including my colleagues and - once - a customer.

I have mentioned this earlier in thread but can't help noticing how common it is for them to show off in public and be so helpful and thoughtful to others, lapping up the praise and adoration but being lazy and mean spirited when at home behind closed doors!! When we were out at an occasion such as wedding or christening etc my exh would run around playing with all the kids and everyone would comment on how good he was with children but at home he never showed ANY interest in our kids, my dc would ask me why he was nice to other children but not to them

I have just waded my way through all 10 pages of this.

Thank God I am not the only one to have such an horrendous ex. I feel quite alone in RL because, as someone mentioned upthread, I wouldn't want to bore the pants off people. I also feel most wouldn't believe it was truely that bad and would think I was being dramatic.

abitwobbly on april 20th you posted we (women) seem to think we can change twatish men. That and your subsequent words are extremely honest and searing. I have looked in that mirror and I agree.

I was an extremely competent, well-travelled, highly educated woman. I thought I had good radar and self-esteem.
I met a man about whom I was told 'you did well there' ' a highly eligible bachelor'. He was highly educated, very well off, very articulate, charming, seeming to have a wide circle of long-term friends. His own business which was booming.

However, the flags were there had I had enough nonce to see. He had his mother on a pedestal whilst simultaneously telling me what she had done wrong with regard to her relationship with his father.

Any time we visited his parents, she and he disappeared for 'private chats' in another room; while I entertained his misogynistic father who delighted in telling me of the sexual attributes of his son's babysitters and teachers through the years.
His father would literally lick his lips while he recounted these stories.
My exFIL would also constantly attempt to peer down my top and comment on how attractive our 16year old babysitter was.

He had no respect for his father....though I figured out much later that he was actually very afraid of , and controlled by, his dad.
After he deserted my children and me, his mother told of how her 'D'H did this frequently but she always took him back...with her getting weaker every time.

Excessive use of degrading, abhorrent porn........check
Demanding his 'own room' in our home to view it in........check
Appalling attitudes to all women........check
Belittling others if they were in any way inferior to him (taxi-drivers, waitresses, teachers (!), patients).......check
Controlling who I saw, spoke to, met with,.......check
Cut me off from my interests........check
Lied to me about money-what was mine was his, but was his was his own..check
Sexual abuse and degradation........check
Never allowing our small children's needs to come before his.....check
Excessively charming to anyone he wants to impress, feels has more power than him......check
No personal space for me in my home; not even the shower, bathroom or wardrobe were private......check
Membership of online adult and dating websites......check

Me (I now see)...controlling and angry father......check
Passive aggressive manipulative mother who used me to 'parent' her....check
Black sheep in a dysfunctional family on who all the anger was dumped...check

He came home from a work conference (about 6months before he left) and told me that I should not be worried if I heard any stories about him and another woman in a room together at the conference. I still dont know if he was trying to stir up jealousy or if he was heading off being exposed as a liar.

My problem was that I thought this was a 'rough patch'; that I should grin and bear it til 'we got through it'. I would never have called time as I had no insight I was being abused.

Thanks for the thread....very cleansing.

Susie - check - don't get me wrong exp wasn't mean to our doc directly but my god at weddings he was in his element being all Disney dad.when we split he was v keen to have ds on activity days so he could show off to the other mums - turn them against me and isolate me I assume. They were having none of it and made it v clear only dd and I was invited.

Yy also to the no personal space. I need to bang on about this (again don't want to burden rl folk). Exp adamantly refused to believe this was a problem and it caused huge problems but threads like this/mn keep me focused that privacy is an adult right full
Stop.
Exp could not bear me to spend time alone in the bathroom/toilet. It was always the same. Every time I wanted to hair remove or put some moisturiser in he would make excuses to come in, make sexual
Advances and then use it as an excuse to screech at me. Every single day. When he was pretending to sort things out with me toward the end I really hammered this home that this wasn't on and I thought he for it but it just resulted in him deflecting it back at me 'ffs I have to wash my hands I just changed dd' - there are 2 bathrooms in our house. Obviously this applies to me getting dressed/changed every single day too I am quite prickly about this now and Paranoid. U snapped at my 2 year old when she came into the bathroom to chatter to me about something or other and in the past I would answer the door to my family in pyjamas and get dressed when I was ready but I just can't now - I actually don't trust my own mother to allow me to get dressed in private

crackcrack Mine was similar with not respecting my personal space. On more than one occasion, he wanted to camp any me to the toilet and change my tampon for me. Although I can't actually remember (blocked it out), I think
I probably did let him. :(

Also, while I was with him, I had to have a minor procedure on an abscess (in my bum crack of all places) which then needed to be dressed daily. Most normal people would go to the surgery to have this done or have the nurse visit them at home, but somehow I (and the practice nurse) managed to be persuaded by Mr-Charming (who had wanted to be a Dr but not managed to get the grades) to allow him to do the dressings for me at home. I felt pretty uncomfortable about that.

Urge. Another sinister thing I've just remembered is that when we moved in together (I was 18), his mother came to make up our double bed for us as he and she both insisted this was a tradition of some sort.

'Accompany me to the toilet' not 'camp', although ironically he was really quite camp.

Had the ability to suss out very quickly what made people tick and presented that version of himself to them. Everyone thought he was wonderful.

very full on early in the relationship, professing undying love after only 3 weeks and pestering for us to get married. If I wasn't with him would bombard me with phone calls, flowers etc. I was vulnerable at the time after ending a previous long term relationship. He has since continued with this tactic and is now on wife number 5.

Changed overnight as soon as we got married.

constant put downs regarding appearance, especially when pg and just after the birth.

If criticised would become very angry and hostile and sulk for days.

tried to cut me off from friends and family by making out they were a problem.

If I had been invited to a night out would cause an argument before and after, question me about where I went and who I talked to, even had his friends reporting back to him and if my version didn't match there's would cause a row, His agenda was to make me not want to go out as it was too much hassle, because he knew he couldn't just tell me not to go.

Inability to control his drinking at social occasions,he would get very drunk then become moody and aggressive. I would feel I was walking on egg shells.

Was never physically violent , but did raise his fist a few times as if he was going to hit me. I told him to go ahead, but if he did, never to fall asleep in the house ever again.

Extravagant with money leaving me to try and pay the mounting bills, while he was buying rounds of drinks for all his 'mates' so he looked like the big man.

obsession with material goods and showing off expensive purchases.It was all about 'face' with him.

took no part in sharing housework or looking after the kids, the day I threw him out was the day he referred to my children as little bitch and little bastard. I was big enough and arsey enough to stand up to his verbal abuse. There was no way I was allowing it to affect my kids.

Apologies if i have posted this on this thread already.
Its a post of mine from another site.

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dark lady
31-08-2010, 5:39 PM

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Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

Exp has done some v v v minimal medical training in the army. I mean a couple of weeks tops just to do stitching and first aid type stuff. Apparently this made him more qualified than my best mum friend who is an a and e nurse with a decade of experience. He thought he could diagnose anything and everything and had serious issues about me seeing a doc for anything and worse, seeking medical advice for dd. this escalated as she got older though luckily she has still never really been ill. She had a skin virus for a while which I managed out of desperation to roughly diagnose from mn and the rest of the Internet and I insisted we took her to the gp. Exp had been attempting to treat it with cream
He had in his possession (I have just binned a big box of random meds etc - nothing unprescribed for the dc again ever!). I told the gp in front of him and she immediately told him
That cream wasn't even what he was claiming it was - type of medicine. Instead of being embarrassed he had been caught out being negligent he just stropped about it (of course he did) until we split. Poor dd he could have made her much worse but felt no guilt whatsoever. When he was away and now, I feel like I have plenty of common sense and conviction as a parent - and as a competent adult mores the point but one of his methods of control was to try and eradicate this as much as he could - to foster dependence and subservience - makes total sense now of course. It's such a relief to not have to involve him in decisions abou dd's health any more. I have my friend x who always reassures me that getting her looked at by the gp is the best thing to do (of course it bloody is but I still feel like I need back up in this!) and thankfully his contact sessions are not really long enough for her to come to much harm but I still panic like mad that he wouldn't call 999 if she hit her head of has a v high temp or whatever.... I dread to think what he would be like with a child with ongoing health needs as I have read accounts on here of nrps ignoring medical advice and appointments etc.
Of course this extended to me when I was pg too. This pg has been much less scary because he isn't here. I took early mat leave due to exhaustion/stress but I have felt much better for being at home and resting on dd nursery days. This would have been a nightmare with exp. I would be even more exhausted and stressed at home with him as he would have been in his element sleep torturing me picking fights and making sexual
Advances to justify arguments and on and on blah blah. Coming home to an empty house and sleeping for a couple of hours followed by chucking some washing on and having a tidy (in total silence) gels like an amazing luxury now!

This feels a slightly 'odd' one, and I'm not sure how well I can articulate it, or if anyone else will identify...

When I met STBXH I was in a very vulnerable state. Not quite divorced from previous abusive XH, and had met a few complete idiots during the gap between separation, and meeting him. In comparison he was v charming, rang when he said he would (v important this:have met many men who used this as yet another means of control) APPEARED to play no mind games, and was quite handsome. I appeared to be punching above my weight on this one. He continued to get more and more abusive as the years went on. As if, he had got away with the next level of abuse, so he could safely move on to the next one. He has now got a woman who in many ways was in the position I was when we met. Possibly vulnerable from a recent divorce, and heavier than me (despite my weight being used as something to attack my plummeting self-esteem). Also, and this is v important, in a better financial position than him (as I was). I have never particularly 'gone' for handsome men, in this case, and also with previous XH it was just part of the package. But IME if it feels like I am punching above my weight, and it feels too good to be true, it probably is...

It is interesting how people mention meeting such a person when having difficult personal times themselves. My experience suggests that such men do look for a woman in a vulnerable situation (they are very astute on this), and try to exploit it for as long as they can... A woman in a strong position (emotionally, financially, physically) would be less likely to tolerate some of the insane and abusive antics that show up.

Yes jane ability to home in your achilles heel is very well-developed. I need to work on not sending out vibes I think.

Parsley, I think that's what happened to me with my last ex - he wasn't as abusive as my XH, so I thought I was 'punching above my weight'. I had no idea he was so utterly selfish and abusive.

There is a list somewhere on the board by a wise MNer and it makes the point that because someone is not AS abusive as a previous twunt, doesn't mean they are not abusive. I fell into this trap, so it really resonated with me.

I was chatting to my hairdresser the other week and briefly explained about my abusive exH and she said "oh I've been so lucky with Tom he's never raised a hand to me" and I thought lucky!! But I have come across this several times (usually older ladies) that consider themselves lucky that their man isn't physically violent, but to me that should be a given really! It does make you wonder how common it is!

V sad that women are expected to be happy with so little. IME men just aren't.

Only ever saying he "liked" me. Never that he loved me.

Inviting me over to his house and with this friends and not once talking to me. He barely even looked in my direction the whole evening. He was happy to have sex with me though . I was so desperate for it to work that I went along with it. When I look back at that now I want to slap myself in the face and shout "what the hell are you doing??!!"

Stop giving yourself a hard time beaver we've all been there, got the t shirt. I have several t shirts...

beaver I had one like that. Still owes me money, the fucker.

MelodyParadise EVERYTHING you said. Everything! That's all about that!

Mine had a terrible attitude towards women, all his proper exes were "nutters" his recent one was cheating on him and he followed her to a restraunt once to "make sure", another one claimed he hit her etc etc. One of them would neve accept his FR on FB, that on it's own should of sent alarm bells ringing, most people can be civil but none of his would talk to him.

Treated women like shit in general, loved to tell me how when he was single he got sex "on tap" tuns out they were all the local slags but would brag about how one "larger" lady would come over late at night when he was pissed and on cocaine and how he'd fuck her in the arse to. Classy. All this clearly said to make me jealous, insecure.

In the beginning showed me his ex who was heavily tattooed and pierced and went on about how fit she was including any celebs who were heavily tattooed. He went on and on to the degree i never thought i'd be good enough and i got a full sleeve and many other tattoos. it truly did become an addiction but do i think i'd have been this way if i hadn't met him? probably not.

if he went out of an evening and i was in bed he'd flip and say i did it to cause a row, i couldn't possibly just be tired. all this was because he knew he wouldn't get sex. sometimes he'd just keep prodding me with his cock till i woke up, sometimes he would touch me and i wouldn't move and i'd feel him wanking and touching me in the night.

He was allowed his opinion but i wasn't, if i had a say i was wrong or trying to cause a row.

All the times he got violent it was my fault because i wound him up and wouldn't leave him alone. Never took responsbility for his own actions.

All his problems were real, mine were always exaggerated. I have epilepsy and the seizues are triggered by lack of sleep and tiredness. If i would say sorry and try and end a row to go to sleep he'd say i was milking it and making it up and cause more stress for me (whethe it be breaking sentimental things or hitting me)

always told me i annoyed him more than any of his exes ever did.

had slept with various larger women in the past and bragged about if i ever got fat he'd leave me. i dared say a couple of times perhaps he had a fetish for larger ladies as loads of people he'd slept with had been fat and he said i was a nasty c*nt and threw me across a room by my bra straps. the sad thing is i don't even have a problem with it, a friend of mine likes larger ladies and i've always been respectful that people have different tastes. it doesn't phase me in the slightest, it's just not for me.

in total he broke 3 tvs, the second tv he broke was a flat screen and decided a CRT was a suitable replacement. i had to get a catalogue one as it was so awful it kept switching itself off.

Broke 2 laptops when i'd been having innocent conversations with people that he thought were about him.

broke a back window storming out, threw plates, broke ALL my glasses throwing them against tiles which shattered, broke 2 of my phones, when i called my mum to chat when he was in a rage he threw my phone on the floor and stamped on it then blamed it on me for calling my mum. compared me smoking to him doing cocaine. i said if he stopped coke i'd stop smoking. needless to say the stress of being with him made me want fags more than ever so he did coke again because "i was smoking" cos smoking and cocaine are similar yah.

various attacks broken nose, had a concussion and was violently sick the next day, he never even looked after me.

i always expected "too much" on mothers day he went out and left me alone with my son and i text him saying i expected a day of relaxtion instead i was doing all my usual stuff, this was controlling him though obviously and he stayed out all night. had a crap mothers day.

he had a real problem with sitting still. i like the outdoors to but i can also comfortable sit and do nothing but it was like he had ADHD, he'd sit and fidget, whirring in his own thoughts then have to do something like relentllessy tidy his garage, work on cars, play with toys etc etc. weird.

hated men talking to me, they all wanted to shag me. i eventually stopped talking to men or if i did i'd delete the convo, even though i know i'd said nothing wrong i knew he'd find a way to read it and pick something out of it that was nothing. when i found messages to his ex he was offering to pick her up at 1am, flirting, calling her gorgeous and when i asked what it was about i was out of order for reading it and he hit me.

so much more that i can't even remember!

He also used to hit walls in frustration, to the point he made holes. at one point my bedroom had holes everywhere, literally, EVERY wall. He broke wardrobe doors off and wouldn't fix them for months either.

He'd show me up in public, fi we had a row he'd STORM off leaving me and my pushchair embarassed behind. I'd nearly be in tears as i moved miles away to be with him and didn't really know the area to well so would be terrified (and he knew it) of not being able to get home so i'd have to beg for him to let me in the car.

he also used to twist things, he liked to make out i was the controlling one (LOL!!!) and put words into my mouth etc. make out i was the one with issues. i once dared make a point it was HIM with a string of failed relationships and i'd only ever had one previous failed relationship that had lasted six years and none fo the reasons we split were to do with me. Was the fact my ex was a lazy bastard who hadn't had a job fo 3 years. he would then again twist that say i was "bringing up the past" to annoy him even though he reguarly liked to mention i was married before him and mention my PND i had frequently.

if he said sorry i'd have to forgive him instantly and move on. if i said sorry it was never good enough, he'd storm off even if it was 7pm turn the lights off and not talk to me all night. sometimes this dragged on till whenever he saw fit (usually when he knew he'd want sex that night)

would drive me to rage, absoloute boiling point by breaking things, insulting me, twisting things, being in a mad mood over nothing then when i'dfinally be on edge and breaking point and try talk about it (he would literally leave me shaking with rage) i'd have to forget it instantly or i'd get hit or things broken.

me again, weirdly, i think i was the only woman he'd ever loved, he wasn't abusive with his exes but warning bells were ringing at his treatment of them i.e they were like trophies, he'd talk about them and mention how he'd be shagging away within a week of splitting, once even tellingme how he split with his ex for a week, shagged someone else and she took him back. His mum once tellingly said with all his previous gfs he'd never once called to say how they were, what they'd done together but he always always talked about me. I guess i found this flattering and i think he knew it. i knew i was the only woman he'd managed to love and this brought out his controlling side.

his relationship with his mum was ok but she moved miles away from him, she'dtold me he'd destroyed her house on several occasions as a teenager due to his tantrums and he was thrown out at 18. he laid a lot of blame on his mum being an alchoholic. he was allowed to run wild as a child. he never really had displine and pretty much had free reign of his house.

deep down he was insecure and used attention from women as a boost, boasted on our second date about how he shagged his exes two best mates after they split for revenge. why i didnt run for the hills i'll never know.

reckless behaviour. drove fast, obsessed with fast old cars, hung round boy racers car parks, sea fronts etc. weird for a grown man. wouldnt ever wear a condom as he couldnt keep it up, caught an STD and admitted it was one of 6 girls who he didnt know the names of.

Liar. Lied about his past to belittle me make me feel bad, told me a girl he'd slept with was alt withtattoos and very attractive (me at the time 8 months post natal, no tattoos, pretty plain) when i bumped into her round town tuns out she was several stone over weight, no tattoos and not attractive. he spun some story about how he said it to feel better and was a div. actually felt sorry for him and thought he might have been a step to admitting his issues. he didnt. also lied about the number of people he'd been with, told me it was 40 odd, transpired he was counting lots of non sex acts, was actually round 30.

aggressive with everyone to the point it scared people. i made friends with a gil he knew when he was going out with his ex, she told me they argued wild but he didnt "care" about her and would often leave her crying/in a state. he had fell out with everyone, best friends, mum, step dad, sister, uncle and caused rows between two of my friends who i then lost contact with.

would make out i'd be a pain on purpose, example wed been shopping and on the way home he stopped tocollect something, i'd been in the car 30 mins when my son started asking for a wee, i distracted him as long as possible singing songs etc but he really needed to go. he was still chatting away so i didnt want to shout out the car so sent him a text saying my sonneeded a wee. several days later he used it in a row pointing out the man said how stupid i was texting him to ask and that "why wouldnt i distract my son for him" which i told him i had done, told me i was pathetic and why did i have to go everywhere with him?! I DONT we were on our way home from somewhere. freak.

when we first got together he told me how much he loved blow jobs over sex as his ex always gave him blow jobs and not sex WTF!!! like to point out he told me this straight after sex...

he was very selfish in bed when i first met him, i felt like a piece of meat, he would just fuck me till HE came and never bother to finish me off. he overheard a convo with my friend where i said he didnt bother to finish me and he even accused me of that convo on purpose (he was outside (!!) listening at awindow ffs!!!) told me i made him feel like shit etc and made me feel awful for even talking about it privately ffs.

after rows even if i put a FB status that wasnt aimed at him something like oh im so fed up, generic stuff he'd have to reply stating the how row and how pathetic i was so i'd have to delete the status.

good god there is so many :o/

Interesting. At first glance, one would think that saying exes were attractive etc was a good thing. Sometimes however, and I have also had that experience, it is used as a stick to beat you with. Maybe we have to be wary of extremes at either end, and be looking for them to have something in the middle.

Said he thinks that new laws to build houses with disabled access are taking PC too far.

Often referred to me as a great shag - and more than once implied that i'd made a living that way?..