Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

One X got angry because I started reading feminist literature. He said it would put me off sex and I'd stop shaving my legs.

He also ended up in tears when I took an interest in new age mysticism as he thought that I would stop wanting sex.

I could provide an endless list from various X's tbh.

I am horrified at how often sex is used within the relationship for power purposes. With abusive men, it seems either they are accusing their partners of being 'frigid' or if they enjoy sex, they are often 'slags', and their previous sexual history is subject to endless scrutiny.

Road rage, Yelled at woman in car for giving him a dirty look. When I told him it was abusive and could scare her he said "If I wanted to be abusive I'd have called her a cunt".

Ignored me asking him to slow down when driving. Told him I was scared but apparently I couldn't be scared, I just needed to get used to his driving then I would trust him.

Ranting Daily Mail style about Muslims in most phone conversations. I have close Muslim friends, still friends with a Muslim ex and he knew this.

Phoning daily regardless of me saying I'm busy, always at least one session of 55 minutes as he was aware enough of his limit for the 'free hour'.

All this in the first (and only) few weeks. I stopped it when he started to tell me exactly where I was going wrong in life in the style of 'the trouble with you ....'

Helen - gah that really is exp!

Crack exp?

Add my list also (I had 2, but#2 much worse)
Twat1 : gave up job soon after dd1 was born, to "help with my career", but mostly because he wanted to.
Truthfully, he was AWESOME at cleaning and tidying- pity though he did not give DD much attention. And things like, if he'd shined the kitchen sink, no-one was allowed to use sink all day, as would make water stains (wtaf???? It's a sink!!!) Could get very irate over that one
Name calling
Always subtly hinting I wasn't earning enough money
Physically panhandling me, pushing/shoving, swearing
Said things like "I like you're intelligence, I did not marry you for your looks ( implying I was ugly...)
"Don't know why you don't want sex, you should be grateful I still want you"
Rude to my parents
Overly fond of alcohol
Often walked off without me, leaving me to run after him or make own way to where we where going, usually with 2 small kids.
Etc
Parents divorced, father mainly absent ( worked on fishing trawler). Mother remarried, both alcoholic. Committed suicide after drunken violent altercation with husband (hers, not ExH), children in same room.

Twat2 : permanent self pity party
crying, whining
because he had a cr*p childhood (undoubtedly did), he could never do anything, and the world owed him a living ( I.e. me)
spoiled every event ever, incl dd2s 7th bday party ( he tried with 8th, but we just left him standing)

once put his fist through car windscreen in attempt to stop me driving off
obsessed with labels, always had to have the best

ran up huge debt I'm still paying off ( he has not paid a penny, too ill don't you know)
name calling, all the time
projecting - calling me lazy, bad mother, abusive, mad, fat, ugly, "past it"/old
premature ejaculator lasting about 30 secs if that

wanted to live off my money, but at the same time had massive problems with it, saying I was unfeminine, "manbitch" was one of his favourites. Said I should give up work and we move road different part of country and live off benefits +garden veg (????)

throttling me while I was holding DS (his),the older 2 were watching, until I told the kids to call police

broke countless things, incl home phone, various mobiles, tumble drier, door of airing cupboard and kitchen units, various bins, glasses, crockery, etc etc.

mind games/gas lighting, a lot- I thought I was going crazy!!

verbally abusive to DDs, dd1 in particular
physically/ verbally/emotionally abusive to DS (not yet 2 at the time- and I did not know
started with grabbing etc to the point of leaving bruises on arms, moved on to hitting me- then turned round and said it wasn't that hard, and I bruise easily!

never said sorry, ever (neither of them did!)
never took responsibility for anything, everything had to be someone else's fault, preferably me, then dd1, then the rest of the world
refused any sex if I tried to initiate, and made me out to be some sort of sex-mad lymphomaniac
having sex on me in the middle of the night when asleep (me, not him), like 2 or 3 am- felt like he was going to the toilet on me
I will prob remember more...

(Nymphomaniac, of course-*@#$ Autocorrect!)

Older they sound foul!
Yy to the subtlety hinting. Exp seemed to have a project on the go about my job. He made me feel I had no choice but to go back to work (powerless/couldn't make financial decisions/I was lazy and leeching) then tried to obstruct it by trying to sabotage the interview/make me as stressed as possible. When I got the job he realised it made me independent and he was left out (worked in a different town plus not the kind of job where you have socials with partners - so he wasn't able to see workplace or meet colleagues etc - he was soooo annoyed he he he) plus I had a life away from him with nice intelligent colleagues who were rational and supportive. As soon as I started he tried to get me to quit even promising me lavish gifts. I told him straight that I wasn't quoting whilst out marriage was so unstable because it would leave me on benefits if we split -his agenda ultimately. Didn't quit, left him, thankful every day for job security

And the bl**dy HASSLE if I wanted/ needed to go out, omg.
Just as well I had no friends left after twat1.
The permanent accusations of affairs. Even if I met a girl friend, he would accuse me of a lesbian affair, and if her husband was there, of a threesome. Would go on, and on, and on...
Once gave me a bill for child minding DDs, and demanded I pay him, as not his, conveniently forgetting he was not contributing to bills/ food/ mortgage etc
Yes also to "what was mine was his, what was his was his own"- very much so.
He inherited quite a lot of money. He paid off all his debts, none of mine- then for years told me I should be grateful, as he'd paid off all the debt. No you didn't!!! Wouldn't believe me even when shown bank statements.
I suppose I should be grateful, otherwise I'd have even more debt to pay that never would have been there otherwise (have never been in debt before, apart from car I needed for work was entirely due to him not being able to live within budget.

Strange attitude to money generally-he seemed to think if his need was bad enough, some would just turn up/ magically appear. Didn't- strange that!!

Oh, and, also like previous poster said, my job was "not real work, just sat on my arsenal chatting all day" . Sure

For a long Tim

Sorry, accidentally posted!
For a long time I got the abuse mixed up with his MH issues. Then I worked out there are plenty of such sufferers around that are not abusing their partners. If he became well, he would then be a well twat. Lightbulb moment!

One Ex:
Not letting me meet any of his workmates: uninviting me to work dos.

Making constant little 'jokes' everyday about: my lack of glamour, working class background (I would reply ' a working class hero is something to be'), dry skin in winter, consumption of water, the colour of the soles of my feet, how sweaty i got once on the underground in summer, the way I walk, the way I talk, my hair getting blown in the wind, my family, my divorce, my friends, my lack of bike-riding prowess, my lack of interest in sports. Small things that ground me down, and wore out my confidence piecemeal.

Not even congratulating me when I got my MA.

Never being able to have just one drink.

The Other:
Kicking off for no reason: never hitting me, just throwing things across the room and breaking things in the house to intimidate me.

Making really good female friends who I would not be invited to hang out with.

Oh yes and with 'the other' - being jealous of my family, friends (accusing me of lesbian affairs with my friends), any men at work (asking me if there were men, and how many and who if I started a new job)

Yep my friends were either lesbians, tarts or spongers according to my exH!

And on the other hand, their friends are wonderful...

What friends? Neither of mine had any, really...

Exp friends were vile. Nasty, misogynist stereotypes. To them, women were either gold diggers or whores (if they left the ignorant prats). They all took pleasure in wrecking one another's relationships. None of them were real friends to each other. They turned a blind eye to atrocious behaviour. Recently one if them attacked his dp in front of their children. She had visible injuries. Not a single one of them challenged him about it. They just don't care.
When exp cheated on me several of his friends congratulated him.

Exp cannot leave my friends alone and is still making a nuisance of himself with them. They speculate its because he doesn't have that kind of friend if his own and in his weird socially awkward way he's trying to ask for help. They tell him to fuxk off anyway though

Also. When I mentioned that I was not against a bit of plastic surgery at some point in the future (don't quite need it yet) suggested I had it done now! Further knocking my self-esteem, and also a way of depleting my cash resources. Had begun to suggest, subtly, that I was not particularly attractive...

Even now, when I have to ring about dd, from the same mobile I've had for years, he pretends not to know who I am, despite a 20yr marriage and the fact that we are not quite divorced...

Would not ever look me in the eye during sex, even though we were together for YEARS.

Right. Have been thinking about this for months all evening and am ready to share mine. Have been questioning today whether it's really EA, but reading through some of this thread has reminded me of so much crap from early days!

• He redecorated my flat (new duvet to replace the new one I'd bought cos mine was no good as far as he was concerned, new throw, cushions and all to match the curtains which belonged to the landlord) and expected me to be grateful.
• He brought me champagne, strawberries and flowers once and it just didn't feel right. I felt uncomfortable, but he made me feel I should be grateful and find it sexy. So I was embarrassed that I wasn't, and didn't.
• When I returned from a trip, he said after 3 sentences, "I'm not one of those people who likes to listen to all the details. It's a bit boring, really. I don't mind you telling someone else." How generous.
• Asking a teenage female friend of ours if she'd consider snogging him (I was in the next room at the time). She laughingly said no, of course not; he said, "Why not? It's only kissing." This after I had been told that I didn't do it right.
• Telling same teenage friend on another occasion about one or two things he liked sexually. Then reporting the conversation to me.
• My breasts are too small. My nose is too big. My breath smelled (actually it did and I was glad to know, although humiliated in the being told. Discovered floss soon after... he has the halitosis problem these days - v dubious hygiene habits, eew).
• He told his friend while I was there about really hot "goodbye sex" with his previous gf. Thought I should be fine with that.
• He invited friends to come and see us on our honeymoon. They didn't take him seriously, but he seemed serious enough.
• Persuading me to buy a house with him within a year of starting dating. We "knew we were going to stay together" after all...
• Lightbulb moment!! He has not shown much interest in any of my friends except for... my ex! Who fortunately is much much lovelier than NSDH and it's nice to still see him occasionally.
• "Do you know you do a weird sort of thing with your mouth when you're talking to people and feeling a bit nervous?" Gee, thanks. Sure that won't happen again now I'm feeling so relaxed about it...

That's all stuff from 10+ years ago. He likes to admit he was horrible to me in the past to show how much better he is now. Erm, the jury's still out on that one...

Would pick a fight for no reason and called me an emotional blackmailer when I cried.

Would storm off and leave me on nights out, and I'd have to make my own way home.

Ordered me out of his car on more than one occasion, only to shortly afterwards find me walking and order me back in.

Drank every night

Had temper tantrums- not unlike a toddler

I wasted three years on him.

Are you still together Charlotte? :(

arthur We also had the out of the car and back in again nonsense. So many times.

Just remembered something else. Once, during an argument, my ex 'collapsed' dramatically on the floor and pretended to have a fit of some sort (he was not epileptic). I told him I was going to call an ambulance and he miraculously recovered all of a sudden.

Also used to make suicide threats if I wanted out of the relationship.