Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Aww Parsley thanks. Glad to hear you are getting there xx

Thanks Buster. Susie I am not saying don't do it, just give it a lot of thought. In my case, it didn't go well, so would have been better off not trying, iuswim...

My exdp often threatened to snap my rats neck :(
Would com

Sorry posted to soon
Would completely flip if I was ill.I once had a pneumonia infection on my lung, was preg with dc2 and could hardly breathe. He laid in bed and refused to even lift dd from her cot. I had to crawl on my knees as it was too painful to walk and apparently I was over reacting. Even when I was puking blood I was a 'pathetic cunt'.
He once squirted me with dirty water from the carpet cleaner in my face :(
Dc2 was 2 days old and the washing machine broke. He flipped ranting and raving and took dc2 from my arms as the washing machine was more important and the baby could wait for his feed.

Bad reactions to illness have featured before on this thread Armani in my case too. Part of the abusive pattern it seems.

Driving too fast, and me asking him to slow down as I'm scared and he doesn't.
Fallen out with everybody, neighbours, work colleagues, bosses, my family, his family, our DCs.
Criticizes my food shopping every time I go to the supermarket.
Shouts at our DCs.
Blames everyone else for everything except for himself.
Swears in front of the DCs
Miserable and unhappy about everything
Expects me to do everything in the house.
Only notices the mistakes I make and never praises me.
Has better dress sense than me and should buy my clothes for me.
Is stressed at everything and everybody.
And after 21 years with him have just realised he's EA thanks to MN. I'd never heard of it 3 weeks ago.

Bumping this because of another thread. How are things now Rennie?

He's being OK at the moment thanks Parsley. But I know that it's because my DC1 is about to go back to Uni and he can't wait.
The 2 of us went away together a couple of weekends ago to a friends party and he couldn't have been nicer to me. Totally attentive and charming. I've come to the conclusion he's jealous of my relationship with the DC's and can't wait for the 2 of us to be on our own again. Trouble is, that's not how I feel not surprisingly.

Have you got a back-up plan Rennie?

I totally agree with 'listen to the little voice'.

I'd also say, if you know someone in a bad relationship, say something. My family and friends all spotted the red flags but only one person had the courage to tell me so and to keep telling me. I love her for that and still feel cross my parents told me afterwards ... during the relationship whenever I asked what they thought of him they said he was lovely, so I thought I must be the one getting it wrong!

Red flags:

• Money. He'd constantly 'forget' to have money/credit card. So I had to pay. And there was no discussion about money he'd failed to get - he'd agree to pay the electric bill then say calmly 'well, there's no money for the electric so I got the reminder letter this morning, you'll have to pay it'. He still owes me a few thousand which I will never see again.

• Family. He never treated me like a proper partner with his family, and made out this was because they couldn't warm to me, and didn't like me. I'm not sure this was actually true, I think he just wanted me not to feel like part of his family.

• Attitude to my time. He constantly messed me around. Like planning to spend Christmas at ours, then after I bought food, saying he was driving home and going to his mum's. Or saying he'd come to my parents' house for a meal and simply not turning up. Always with the excuse 'something came up' - because he always knew his time was more important than mine.

• Cutting me off from mutual friends. We always socialized with his friends. I really missed mine. One time we'd driven for three hours to meet some mutual friends - we'd both taken separate cars as we had to do other things. He said he'd text the time and place we'd all meet up, then I heard nothing. I was sitting at my parents house waiting to hear, no replies on mobiles, until hours later one of my mates rang to ask if I was sure I couldn't make it, as my ex had gone to meet them and lied that I couldn't come.

This sort of thing happened a lot. He always claimed it was just him forgetting, or he genuinely thought I couldn't come.

• Attitude to his ex. He had a 'psycho ex'. They all do. It is the biggest red flag in the book.

My best friend just emailed me about how her new-ish bf is keen that they get a new bed when they move into together as, while she has a perfectly decent one, she's had other blokes in it. I just replied 'red flag'.

This is depressing/enlightening/astonishing in equal measure. I see a little bit of all four of my LTRs in this thread. Isn't anyone just normal (of course they are) or is it just me (of course it's not)

And I fear it won't end there tzella. Next there will be other 'problems' over her daring to have other relationships before him, I think. I hope I'm wrong.

• if anyone said that the kids looked like me or my sister he'd say 'I can't see it, I can't see any resemblance at all. They don't look like LF/LF's sister, they look exactly like I looked when I was that age'

• cut my finger quite badly in a blender. Ran upstairs, nearly fainting and blood pouring out. He's in bed resting. I'm nearly crying. He takes a look and says 'ugh...don't show me that, it makes me feel sick, I need to lie down'

• asked his Mum to babysit. If she said she was busy or couldn't do it for some reason he'd throw a strop and then say 'I take it you don't want to see the kids again then?'

• frequent telephone calls to his family that resulted in him swearing and then hanging up. Then his Mum would almost always phone back having given in to whatever his demand request was.

Yes, Parsley. She's got me watching her extremely closely now.

You sound like a good friend.

Oh yes

LRD I could have written your EXACT post!

It's amazing how often I look at the stuff posted, and remember a 'flag' I had forgotten. Isolating people by saying other people don't like them seems to be fairly common. I had that a couple of times, and because I thought it was me, and not him being an abusive arse, it just isolated me and made things difficult. Also the money thing. I seemed to have my hand in my pocket an awful lot, and he has got his new woman doing the same.

Wow, just read the whole thread. Red flags for me (that I didn't bloody see at the time):

• not wanting me to meet his family

• wanting us to buy a house miles away from my family - trying to isolate me

• he raped me on a regular basis but called it spontaneous sex (I didn't even get to 6 weeks post-hysterectomy and child birth before he 'climbed on board'. I was sobbing throughout)

• going out for hours and hours drinking, turning his phone off. When he eventually came home and I asked him why he did it, he said "because I am a cunt"

• pushing/hitting/slapping because I had annoyed him

• he was late for every single fucking date, event, etc but the last to leave

• he spent HOURS on the toilet. He would ask me to cook a meal, go to the toilet and let it go cold because he was reading porno mags

• hatred of his father. Very bitter and nasty.

• having to serve him tea on a tray every night and I would lay out the correct condiments. He ALWAYS asked me for something else.

• on every date we had at my parents house, he wouldn't take his coat off?! WTF?

After ignoring the red flags, I married him then he:

• tells me he had married beneath himself because I had lived on a council estate

• ran up an £800 phone bill on sex chat lines.

Now he is harassing me for access to the children - even though he has been hauled away by the Police and been in the Mental Health Unit more times than I care to mention.

Heed the red flags and RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND!

cashmere - oh, I hope not! But it's so common, isn't it, it's clear that abusive people fit a very precise pattern.

I just hope that having all of this said in one place will help people who read it to see that.

he NEVER lost his temper. he's never shouted, lost it, become angry. That seemed like a good thing at the time but I now know that its terrifying as it means I dont know how far he would go. i believe he is capable of murder if Im quite honest.

Dragging me out of hospital hours after giving birth as "you dont like hospitals" (I have no issue with hospitals)
Starving me when trying to establish BF. Ignorning jaundiced newborn who i was up with all night. his attitude? "if she doesnt make it we can just have another one"
Expecting me to do everything in the house because he worked 12 hours a week.

Asking me to do something in the flat, leaving it days (knowing id forget with newborn to deal with). Suddenly erupt in overly calm "dad" chat: "I asked you to tidy the living room on wed. You have been utterly selfish and lazy and have not done it despite my explaining to you that I do not like mess. You will tidy it NOw" he would then throw everything that wasnt screwed down into a huge pile, always in the hall making sure he'd put newborn the other side and left her crying. he would then stand over me and make me pick through the mixture of toys, clean clothes, food rubbish, dirty nappies, ornaments etc with DD screaming in the background

Constantly putting me down and being offended that he was just being honest and I was belittling his feelings. He thought I should be understanding and there for him while he struggled with the awful fact that he was repulsed by me weight gain post baby.

Smiling as he sexually abused me and getting annoyed that Id got "so uptight" and he couldnt "mess around" with me anymore.
having pet names for acts of sexual abuse and laughing about them with me.

Telling me Im stupid because I cant understand how we can afford for him to keep spending like mad. using this as an excuse to pay all the bills, drain my account to contribute to said bills without telling me what they were or how much. having access to my online banking, having "his money" and giving me an "allowance" to cover food shops.

Having a go at me for embarrassing him in public
Referring to middle and lower classes as scum
Lauging at disabled people for being "spastic" and giggling that they should be "shot at birth"
being racist
Believing himself to be able to "perceive reality more clearly that most people"
Having no empathy

Ignoring me when ill, in pain, having life threatening allergic reaction and yet when hiding pain or being "strong" he would be overly sympathetic
Lying in bed being "depressed" when I asserted myself
Tripping me up in arguments. Often rambled out sentences that when recorded and listened back to made no sense at all so that I got confused and then attacking with calling me stupid. then when I started to cry he would call me pathetic. When I started to have a panic attack or would be sobbing on the floor he would lean over me and say "look at you, your worthless, how could I ever respect you now"

Using this reaction ^^ as evidence that I was mentally unstable. Telling me that I couldnt cope with the real world and thats why I needed him. that is SS found out I had these episodes they'd take DD
Saying that i had "got pregnant" as if he had no hand in it
Buying clothes for me

Humiliating me in public - Walked me into Ann Summers, demanded I go and find something "to make you seem sexy" loud enough for everyone in there to hear. i was in tears and had to beg him to let me leave the shop. i couldnt just walk out as he blocked the doorway with the pram.

Theres more but I think that'll do for now!!

If all of this thread were published in some way in a book, well it could change the world, almost. (I suppose it never could though because no publishing permission). Still it reminds me of that quote.

?What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open.? Muriel Rukeyser

Good god twinkle I'm mostly v shocked but I still see shades of exp in your post

I fondly remember my ex as the man who literally 'wouldn't bring me a glass of water if I was dying'. I was lying upstairs in bed, running massive fever and begging for water whilst he was on his playstation refusing to bring me any......when my mother came round and immediately phoned for an ambulance it turned out I had double pneumonia and meningitis (at the same time!). I then spent 3 weeks in intensive care with doctors apparently telling my parents there was a roughly 70% chance I would not pull through. He did not come to see me because 'you were in a coma so there was no point - you wouldn't have know I was there'! Amazing, huh? This was my HUSBAND of 10 years!

OMG - reading through some of these experiences WTF were we thinking girls??? Were we so beaten down or so damn stupid that we didn't chuck them straight out the door after the first time? Were we just brought up to think that you have to be nice, and you have to make people like you and if they treat you like shit then that is because of some failure in you? Please God don't let our daughters do the same.